I still feel like the sad kid no one will ever like.
March 14, 2009 3:41 PM Subscribe
Why am I suddenly unable to stop obsessing about the childhood bullying that happened to me?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (19 answers total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
I am an adult woman who experienced serious bullying from my earliest memories all the way until I graduated high school. That one kid everyone felt free to make fun of because they were so weird/had no friends to defend them/just didn't fit? That was always me.
I thought I was over it. I even convinced myself it was an advantage. I always seek out the most ill at ease person in any social situation, am friendly but not overbearing and I empathize with a lot of different perspectives. Those are all good things.
Yet lately very specific memories are catching me off guard and even though I do my best not to dwell they tumble around my head anyway. It's like it was yesterday. There's no particular reason I can see why it's cropping up again but it's frequent and each time makes me feel like I've been punched in my gut. It didn't matter what school or what group, I was always at the bottom (with all the teasing, cruel pranks and occasional physical violence that suggests) and I keep wondering why. A deep part of me feels as if those kids were rejecting me from the herd for a good reason. Aside from my partner I don't have any close friends. I basically don't have a social life. It gets harder and harder for me just to talk to people. I feel marked somehow. I know this is irrational but that doesn't stop me from thinking it.
I am on antidepressants and have done therapy but I don't think the answers are there. I don't know where they are. If you've had the same feelings and recovered from them please tell me how. If you would rather not write here you can send something to email@example.com. I don't want to feel like this anymore.