Mrs Hyde... cranky cranky in the middle of the night.

March 12, 2009 7:35 PM

Is there a way I can learn to control my mood when woken in the middle of the night?

My husband sometimes works until late in the evening, so by the time he gets home I'm in bed, fast asleep. He usually likes to say hi, brush my hair off my face or kiss my cheek before going to sleep himself, but apparently I am a different person when woken from sleep in the middle of the night. I have no recollection of this ever happening, but I don't doubt my husband at all when he says I awake suddenly, look at him directly with menace, and say things like "What are you doing?! Why is the light on?!", before turing over and going back to sleep. I am, he says, very angry and hostile when I say these things. He pretty much thinks it's funny, and I've assured him it's nothing personal, I just must not wake very gracefully. I know this isn't a problem or issue per se, but I would like to fix it somehow - I'm not a fan of the idea that I might secretly be a belligerant jerk. It seems the morning after he arrives home late from work, he always says to me "You were so mean last night! You said....."

I have tried thinking nice happy thoughts about the fact that he isn't in bed and will be coming home late and waking me before I go to sleep, but this doesn't work.

Any ideas? How can I change this behaviour?

If it helps, I wake up at a regular hour in the morning, leap out of bed with a smile on my face. I would decribe myself as a "morning person", who has no trouble waking at 5.30am and jumping out of bed with enthusiasm. I usually get plenty of good sleep.

Also: I'm quite the sunny, up-beat, even-tempered person on the regular.

One more thing: Please don't suggest that he simply not wake me - I would like a goodnight kiss, and to accept it graciously.

posted by lottie to Health & Fitness (18 answers total)

My boyfriend works late on weekends, so we go through this sometimes, too.

What if he doesn't turn the light on or otherwise try to wake you abruptly? Can he quietly ease himself into bed next to you, so that you can snuggle together while you're in a half-awake state?
posted by scody at 7:41 PM on March 12, 2009

I do the same thing and I've not found a solution other than to laugh about it.
posted by Espoo2 at 7:42 PM on March 12, 2009

Wow. My fiance is just like that. Usually I do what scody suggested and am just very very gentle. If I go to bed late, I'll always kiss her goodnight, but I make it a point to make as little noise and as few sudden movements as possible.

IANAD, but I'll bet it has something to with where you are in your sleep cycle when you are awaken.
posted by JuiceBoxHero at 7:45 PM on March 12, 2009

Can you set an alarm for yourself so that you wake up shortly before he gets home? I suppose that might mess with your sleep because you'll be more fully awake than the current routine, but it would probably be easier to be more like your regular self if you're actually awake and expecting him.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:48 PM on March 12, 2009

I think most people are cranky when there's an unscheduled wake-up, though as JuiceBox says, some kinds of sleep will be different from others.

Call me crazy, but why doesn't your husband just not wake you up? His habit of doing this is not good for you, it's not good for him, it seems like the obvious solution to your problem.
posted by AmbroseChapel at 7:55 PM on March 12, 2009 [7 favorites]

My wife did this for a while, and I discovered something interesting: when I mentioned it to her (always a little amused, like your husband) and we talked about it, it embarrassed her a whole lot; and suddenly she didn't really do it any more. I think internalizing that you're doing this and not wanting to do it any more sometimes helps.
posted by koeselitz at 8:12 PM on March 12, 2009

I don't want to try to elevate this into a general principle, but even those who love me best think of me as a difficult person, yet every long term girlfriend I've ever had has told me with wide-eyed wonder how nice I am when they wake me up in the middle of the night-- when they can wake me at all, that is; my partner tells me she has tried to wake me up three times in the last 8 months without success, even shaking me vigorously and raising her voice on one occasion.
posted by jamjam at 8:36 PM on March 12, 2009

My boyfriend does this exact thing but with added swearwords. Except for the occasional time when he's the exact opposite ("I love you honey, you're so wonderful, I love you so much honey, I'm sorry for snoring, you're so nice"). He never remembers any of it the next day and yeah, it's kind of amusing. Particularly since he's the most even tempered, non-reactive guy when he's actually awake, neither of these are like him at all.

I figure the awake guy is the real one, the one I spend my life with, and the sleeping guy is an amusing anachronism. So I either just don't wake him up or, if he's snoring, wake him up expecting the reaction.

I don't really see how you can change your reaction in this situation, it's just how some people are. Either live with it, which seems fine given it's not causing you any problems, or change the situation (by him not waking you or you waking yourself earlier or whatever).
posted by shelleycat at 8:44 PM on March 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

I think koeselitz might be onto something with internalizing it. But if that doesn't work, this really does sound like the kind of thing that the people who love you, love you all the more for.
posted by juliplease at 9:09 PM on March 12, 2009

"He usually likes to say hi, brush my hair off my face or kiss my cheek before going to sleep himself, but apparently I am a different person when woken from sleep in the middle of the night."

It doesn't sound like he is being very considerate to you. Is he still doing this even if he knows that he is likely to get a nasty response?
posted by 517 at 9:16 PM on March 12, 2009

Your husband probably loves it, especially if you've a normally sunny disposition.
posted by cranberrymonger at 9:17 PM on March 12, 2009

Ask him not to turn on the light, because that's fucking annoying to anybody and everybody. He's a big boy and there's nothing under the bed, and a person should be able to find their way around their own bedroom in the dark.
posted by turgid dahlia at 9:34 PM on March 12, 2009 [2 favorites]

Many years ago, I woke my now-husband because I had had a terrible nightmare--one of those where I was already crying before I really woke. I wanted a snuggle and to perhaps talk about it a little. His growled response? "Well, what the hell do you want me to do about it?!" He then rolled over and was asleep again. He had no memory of it in the morning, but I'll tell you, I still feel a little upset about it, though that is ridiculous. I was so vulnerable, and he was so mean!

Of course, I don't blame him, and as he gets older, he tends to be less of an asshole and more just really confused if awoken off schedule. I agree with the posters above that had I woken him more slowly and gently that he would have had a different response to me. You're lucky that your husband doesn't take it personally, and maybe you'll age out of it as time goes on.
posted by thebrokedown at 9:55 PM on March 12, 2009

How long have you two been sleeping together? My husband and I lived together for about 3 years before getting married and he'd usually leave earlier than I'd wake up. It wasn't until at least 2 years in before I started accepting his morning kisses with grace and even a hug. Otherwise, it was usually me whining and pulling away. He was rather hurt by it until he brought it up to me and I had a chance to explain. Now he just laughs and tells me what a grump I am.

Having said that, after he brought it up, I noticed that my logic would kick in any time I was abruptly awoken. In my youth, anyone who woke me before my time would get a "What the fuck do you want?!?!" screamed at them. I now tend to, at worst, get out a curt "yes?" So perhaps train yourself to have your logical self kick in? as thebrokedown said, it does get easier the older you get.
posted by arishaun at 10:56 PM on March 12, 2009

I think koeselitz is onto something with the internalization.

I used to rub my eyes in my sleep (like a little kid). But last year I had Lasik and I was terrified that I would rub my eyes in my sleep and damage the healing process. So I wore goggles for an extra few nights, and after that I let myself sleep as normal.

After a few days I noticed that I wasn't waking up with mascara lines on my fingers anymore. I seem to have stopped rubbing entirely, and the only thing I can blame it on is that my fear of hurting myself was deep enough to affect my subconscious.

Before I feel asleep those first few nights I spent a few nervous/panicked omg what if moments thinking about my eyeballs. If you feel that strongly about wanting to wake up pleasantly, I suspect you will be able to convince your subconscious to behave.
posted by nerdcore at 10:57 PM on March 12, 2009

I'm the same way; I wifey wakes me halfways in the middle of the night, I'm grumpiness reincarnated, but I don't remember anything of it in the morning. The funny thing is, I'm reserve military, and out on exercises I get up in the middle of the night with no complaints to do my watch, go out on patrol or whatever, even if I'm suffering under several nights of too little sleep.

It seems to me that if I'm going to sleep expecting to be waken, I'm all right.
posted by Harald74 at 1:39 AM on March 13, 2009

I'm confused ... if you can't remember it and it doesn't bother him, what's the problem? It's pretty common for people do all sorts of crazy things in the night without remembering. You aren't even swearing.

If you want to stop doing it, you have to stop waking up. When I have to sleep different schedules I sleep with a face mask and the light doesn't bother me.
posted by Gor-ella at 7:14 AM on March 13, 2009

If you want to change your sleep pattern to allow him to greet you after your normal sleep time, you'll probably simply have to avoid going to sleep until he gets home. When he comes home, smile as he kisses you and then go to sleep. Sounds like he couldn't care less, but at least you will have achieved what you are going for.
posted by Piscean at 12:35 AM on March 14, 2009