How can we help my elderly grandfather be happier?

March 11, 2009 8:58 AM

How can we help my elderly grandfather be happier?

A retired Mennonite dairy farmer, my grandpa is not one to indulge activities for their own sake. Productivity has always been his prime value. For most of his life he was happy and productive. Now, post valve-replacement and stomach ulcer surgeries, he’s barely able to walk and he’s too proud to use a walker or a wheelchair, though we’re working on this. He spends most of the day sitting in his overstuffed recliner and driving my (healthy and active) grandma nuts. I suspect he’s depressed, though he’s surprisingly alert and eager when spoken to.

My question: what sort of activities could we set him to that he wouldn’t reject out of hand as frivolous (or feminine – knitting is out)? I’m thinking of something he could do while sitting that would result in a product. His fine motor skills are not great.

P.S. I take it for granted that he may need counseling and (psychological) medication, but his tolerance for these is limited. We may have to work on that too.

posted by harnharn to human relations (19 comments total)

is there any type of skills he has that would be useful in a volunteer sort of way. Something he could do from home?
posted by HuronBob at 9:13 AM on March 11

Can he write, type, or work a digital recorder? You could get him to record family anecdotes, history and wisdom for posterity. As a lifelong dairy farmer he might have some good advice for people just starting out.
posted by Alison at 9:14 AM on March 11

I was also thinking that perhaps he could record stories. If you have the time, sitting with your grandfath while he tells these stories would probably be something he would cherish. Stressing the angle that this would be something your family could use is probably important.

I know you said his fine motor skills aren't great, but is there any chance he can whittle? Can he fix things?
posted by runningwithscissors at 9:20 AM on March 11

Go through old photos and ID the people who are in them. It's information that you'll want once he's gone, and it's a great way to start a dialogue.
posted by kimdog at 9:21 AM on March 11

Can he build things with his hands?
posted by Pants! at 9:34 AM on March 11

It would be good to know what kind of Mennonites they are, or at least what kinds of technology they are comfortable with.

For instance, he might like working with something like Google SketchUp and creating models of tools, parts and structures that others can fabricate and use, etc. Virtual handywork, in a sense. Not working with physical materials is a bonus, as the lack of fine motor control will be less prohibitive and frustrating.

Depending upon your parents' attitudes towards music, perhaps there's an instrument he might be interested in taking up?

Has he ever shown a passing interest in any hobbies? If not has his work essentially been his hobby too--is he a dairy farming enthusiast? Maybe he'd like to self-publish a short work on traditional farming in the modern world.

We deal with these kinds of issues with my Grandmother, but she's not quite as limited in her activity.
posted by snuffleupagus at 9:37 AM on March 11

I'd second the recording anecdotes or history. A family friend in her early seventies maintained she had the most boring life in the world, her children encouraged her to write about it a little. Living in the Far North of Canada, nine children homeschooled, shooting and trapping... everyone loved it and the six copies they initially published through Blurb got passed around until more were ordered.

Would recording his memoirs to add to Mennonite history in the area be of interest to him? Such a document could be incredibly valuable to a local historical society or library.
posted by variella at 9:39 AM on March 11

I think he can work with his hands provided the motions aren't too precise.

The computer option is interesting. He and my grandma are not tech literate at all. While they're not opposed to computers, they aren't comfortable spending large sums of money. We could 'test drive' one of our laptops with him, though.
posted by harnharn at 9:41 AM on March 11

I suspect he’s depressed, though he’s surprisingly alert and eager when spoken to.

Just because he's quiet, that doesn't mean he is depressed.

As for activities, have you sat down and talked with him about what he'd like to be doing to pass the time? He might want to read, but need someone to go to the library for him.
posted by Carol Anne at 9:41 AM on March 11

Learning something new, always helps boosting your confidence, which leads to you being happier. Im 21 and I love learning about the history of my family. Perhaps get him to make a family tree. SOmething you will also be able to treasure forever.
posted by angel29 at 9:41 AM on March 11

Seconding a workbench adapted to his mobility. Bonus if he could figure out something to make that taps into his expertise and experience as a dairy farmer. Are there any farms who are selling milk, cheese, etc. at farmer's markets, for which he could make something like wooden boxes to suit a particular need?

Would he be interested learning to use a computer and doing some writing? My best friend's grandmother was about the last person you'd expect to be computer-savvy, but she loved e-mail once she got the hang of how the program worked, because she could type much more easily than she could write longhand, due to arthritis. It gave her an avenue of expression that she'd not had in years and years -- I was shocked to find out how the quiet, sorta-cranky lady that I knew was so funny and warm and articulate.
posted by desuetude at 9:49 AM on March 11

I also like the idea of some kind of memoir, since he has probably seen many changes in dairy farming since he was a kid and could talk about the way things were done over the years. The mundane details of unglamorous occupations can be quite fascinating to outsiders, even if he thinks it's boring as dirt.

However (and forgive me if I'm underestimating your grandfather here), I'm concerned that elderly Mennonite farmer + impaired mobility/dexterity + computer = frustration. I'd certainly try to teach him how to use a laptop, but I'd have a fallback plan just in case. Maybe he could speak into a tape recorder and somebody else could transcribe it, or something like that.

If he's still capable of building stuff, rigging up a workbench sounds like a great idea. If there aren't any household projects he can tackle, there are programs looking for volunteers to build birdhouses, and you can probably find similar efforts in your area.

Lastly, a somewhat far-out idea: can he volunteer his expertise? There are a few programs looking for people who know their way around a dairy cow, and you might be able to find something that would work for your grandfather.

Basically, it's your grandfather's call, but if you present a bunch of ideas to him he might find some of them worth pursuing. Good luck!
posted by Quietgal at 11:42 AM on March 11

If it's a solid, concrete product you're looking for, writing is definitely a good suggestion, though it might come across as a bit frivolous. Ditto the musical instrument thing.

I would suggest learning a language (you could get him a set of Pimsleur audio tapes or something, that takes minimal technology/expertise) but I worry that the benefits you would derive out of it are less tangible to him than it would be to me. My grandfather adored it when I taught him occasional words of English, because he thought it sounded funny and because it was something we could share, but I don't know how he would have felt about delving deeper into the language.

Is he interested in what's happening in the world? Would he enjoy something like a subscription to The Economist? They're pretty dense and takes a fair amount of time go to through, but they give you a lot of food for thought. Plus, if he's then open to the concept of a computer, economist.com has some decent commentary on most of the popular articles.

Most other things I can think of that involve a tangible end product are things that have to do with programming or whatnot. I guess that's my age showing.
posted by Phire at 1:08 PM on March 11

nth-ing the suggestion to write a memoir or instructional-ish book. i have a related suggestion, though he might find it too frivolous - have you considered starting a blog for him? even though it doesn't create a physical product, it might be an easy and interactive way for him to write down his memories and stories. i love this blog, of a swedish grandmother recounting her immigrant days in the US. she's gotten quite a following and seems to be touched and happy that she's interacting with so many people from around the world - perhaps a situation like that would cheer him up too?

if you want to get him to write or record stories or a memoir, or create a detailed family tree, it might help to emphasize how much you/your family would love and cherish it - then it makes the project less "frivolous" in a sense.

if he does start a blog, please memail me the link - i would love to read it!
posted by skaye at 1:59 PM on March 11

My plan is to use feedback here as a conversation starter - like Carol Anne notes, it is important to sit down and ask what he wants to do. Thanks all for your suggestions.

A blog intrigues me - improbable, but fun to imagine. Some sort of customized workbench is an idea to run by my father, who is more mechanically savvy.
posted by harnharn at 2:17 PM on March 11

Well, this wouldn't create anything, but he might really like a Kindle for various reasons. Or even a Nintendo DS. Something that could engage his mind more, since he can't move around too much. These also don't require too much tech experience, the Kindle especially.

Would he be interested in clay, wood/carving or other hands-on artwork? That can be good fun, as well as relaxing. They're also things that he could do in a small area, so he wouldn't have to move around a lot to get tools or materials. Perhaps an incentive, to tie in with skaye's blog idea, would be to tell him you'd post his creations online (in a blog or in Flickr or something) and give him back the comments, printed if necessary. He might really like creating something, but he'd probably like it even more if he knew he'd have an audience. Like skaye, please tell me if anything like this does come about. I'd love to know!
posted by metalheart at 7:39 PM on March 11

By the way, your grandfather may really appreciate some sort of creative outlet that your grandmother could get involved in as well. I'm sure they both are dealing with some awkwardness since she is healthy, and he is not. It'd probably be good for their relationship if they had something to work on together.
posted by metalheart at 7:40 PM on March 11

If you can convince him to use a walker, one that has a seat was really popular when my grandma was assisted living. Some people would sit and scoot backwards when they got tired. It looked a bit silly and they knew it but it got them where they wanted to go and seemed kind of fun. I always thought it was neat that where ever you were, you always had a place to sit.
If he's open to using computers, you could set up one of those free message boards or a web page and titled it "Ask the Mennonite Dairy Farmer". I'm sure there are some dairy farmers out there who would be interested in what he know.
posted by stray thoughts at 2:54 AM on March 12

Whittling?
posted by Lorna at 7:08 AM on March 12