What's my next move? I'm confused.

March 10, 2009 9:57 PM

What move should I make on this guy, if any?

Hey everyone,

So I'm in a situation right now and could use some advice :) This is a somewhat lengthy story but please bear with me ...

One of my friends (I'll call him "Lance" even though that's not his real name) has a friend (I'll call him "David") who is very cute. I had seen David out and about before and asked some of my friends who he is and they all said "Oh, that's David, and yeah he is very attractive but he's a whore. Not your type. He's probably hooked up with more people than you and we know you're not really into that." I met him for the first time at a house party at the end of January very briefly. I added him on Facebook and he e-mailed me saying it was nice to meet me. We exchanged some platonic messages about what we do in the city for a living. Then two weeks ago, Lance mentioned that David and him would be out at a certain gay club and that I should join them. I had other friends going out there too so I decided to show up.

David, my friend, and I chatted for a little while. I was already somewhat drunk at this point and so were they. David said, "By the way, I saw your Facebook profile. Your brother is really cute." I felt awkward so I laughingly said "Oh, he's 22 and straight and has a girlfriend. Haha." Then I said I was going to the bar to get another drink (which meant having to push past a large mass of people on the dance floor). David said, "I'll come with you." He then wrapped his fingers in mine as I ended up leading him to the bar. By the time I got to there I gathered that he might be interested so I asked if he was single (I had met his ex at the house party in January but wasn't sure if they had unresolved issues). He said yes, then paused and explained that he comes with a lot of baggage because he was with his ex for three years (from age 20 to 23) and things got messy. They're friends now. Then we made out for twenty minutes.

I said, "To be honest, I don't really get around to doing this (i.e. making out) too often." He said, "To be honest I do." I asked him out to coffee and he agreed. Then he backed out saying he enjoyed making out with me but was just looking to make friends. When he said that I was on my way out of the club anyway so I just said "Okay. Later." As I cabbed my way home, he texted me saying "Text me when you get home, okay?" and then again "Yo please do not bar yourself from getting to know me and becoming my friend." I responded saying something like don't worry about it I'm totally cool going forward as friends. He said ,"Great. I'm excited to get to know you." The next day I figured he wasn't really into me and I didn't think about him much.

Then, two weeks later (this past Thursday), David IM'ed me saying he was planning to go to a party on Friday and then another one on Saturday and said he'd let me know the details. I ran into David and Lance at Friday's club party, sure enough, but I told myself that I'd just be cool and friendly instead of flirtatious with David because he doesn't seem to be looking to date (whereas I am) and may not even be interested in me anyway. We made small talk for a little while, but eventually there came a point at which he approached me and started dancing with me. He seemed somewhat drunk at that point and I didn't resist because I feel attracted to him and was pretty drunk myself. After dancing and chatting for a while we went to the bar to get more drinks. He kept kissing my cheeks ...

He stepped away for a bit to say hello to a friend and then came back to dance and make out with me. He said, "I think you're so amazing." Then he walked over to the bar and sat down on a plant. I figured he was just resting for a bit but when I asked him if he was okay he just shook his head. It was clear that the hard liquor had hit him so I asked the bartender for some water, texted Lance to come by the bar because David was in bad shape, and tried to convince the security guard that I'd be able to sober him up (so we wouldn't get kicked out of the club). He took a few sips of water but was still sitting on the plant. I called Lance. No answer. The security guard told us to step outside to sober David up. I took David down the stairs and outside; I was drunk myself but managed to get us outside. Once there, he said, "You're too nice." I said, "David, you're in bad shape. Tell me what you want to do. Did you come here by subway or cab. How do you want to get home? What do you want to do?" He said, "Sit with me." He then sat down on the sidewalk leaning against a building and pulled me by my hands to kiss him. I said, "Listen, maybe we should get your coat from inside." He agreed. Lance finally showed up at coat check with some guy he'd been dancing with. The four of us went to a diner. David lay his head in his arms on the table. I managed to feed him a few bites of a waffle. He woke up at one point and said to Lance, "I want to go wherever he goes." Lance said, "David, he's not as drunk as you and you need to come home with me so I can take care of you. You're in really bad shape. I've never seen you this bad before." When we left the diner David pulled me in to kiss me again. Lance pulled him away and managed to get him into a cab. David blew me kisses in the air as he stumbled into the taxi.

The next day David called me to apologize. He said he felt really embarrassed. I said, "Don't worry about it. We've all been there. And Lance and I took care of you." He said, "No, you took care of me. I owe you a night of being taken care of. What are you up to tonight? I'm still going out to a friend's birthday party and my ex is going out to celebrate because he finished an exam yesterday." I had dinner plans that night but was free afterwards so I went with Lance and David AGAIN! This time we were fairly sober and I noticed that David was actually a nice, fun guy to chill with. I had to leave earlier than them. David texted me a while later, "Got home okay?" Since then we've exchanged a few e-mails about random things: he asked me if I owned a copy of a book he was looking for but couldn't find and complimented me on a song of mine which I had e-mailed as an attachment to Lance and him. He said "Wow you're very talented and I really like the lyrics you wrote. You remind me of one of my favorite a cappella groups ..."

My issue is this: I'm tempted to think that he's physically attracted to me because he's tried to hook up with me on the dance floor twice in the past two weeks. But I'm not certain of that. And, even if he is, I don't know if he sees me as anything more than a "boytoy" to fool around with on the dance floor when he's plastered. Also based on his earliest comments and his age (he's 23 whereas I'm 26), I don't even know if he's looking to date (either casually or seriously); I'd really prefer to go on dates with someone than experiment sexually, drunkenly, and randomly. That's not really how I roll. I do still feel attracted to him and want to go on a date with him, but I'm not even sure if I should ask. Was the whole thing so obviously one-dimensional that it wouldn't even be worth asking him out? Or should I text him later this week to see if he wants to get lunch? I have a bad habit of overthinking in these situations so let me know what you think. And I'm so sorry to make this so damn long!

posted by cscott to human relations (18 comments total)

You couldn't overthink this more if you put a plate of beans inside a Genuine Edison Electromechanical Overthinkatron. He wants to fuck you. As for dating - you could have called him six times and had that conversation seven times while you typed up this question.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 10:08 PM on March 10, 2009 [23 favorites]

I think your instincts are correct- it doesn't sound like David is looking for anything more than someone to make out with on the dance floor when he's drunk. That's what he told you and his actions back up those words. You could ask him out on a date, but what for? What do you see happening with him that hasn't already happened? You playing the hero regularly like you did that night he was drunk and saving this guy from himself? That scene is only romantic in movies. If I were you, I'd drop your side of things with David. Be his friend, see him at the club when you already happen to be there, make out with him if you want to, but don't expect things to ever go any further than that.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:09 PM on March 10, 2009 [3 favorites]

It's not easy for me to avoid being attracted to such a guy. I would expect at best a cotton-candy night followed by a morning on which you feel stupid - but he might be a good lover and I might be all wrong. If it's an act it might be cover for an intensely intimacy-craving person.

If you are at all attracted to him then ask him out. GOK there are loads of people who would be less fun. Set the expectations-meter on 'nil'.
posted by jet_silver at 10:11 PM on March 10, 2009

Dude doesn't want to commit to anything. Your friends have told you that. He has told you that. You can see it for yourself. QED.

I say be flattered that he wants to make out with you over all the other guys in the bar. But also keep your eye out for someone more your type.
posted by sbutler at 10:20 PM on March 10, 2009

What he wants and what you want are not the same thing. Both your friends and himself have made it clear to you that he's a guy to fool around with, not to date or go steady with. If you want to satisfy your sexual curiosity, go ahead, he'd be totally into that, but don't fool yourself and start expecting more. That would only end in tears (yours, not his).
posted by matildaben at 10:21 PM on March 10, 2009

Suppose you screw him and he continues to act this way (likely)... what then? You are asking to get hurt if you continue spending time with this guy. I think your friends are correct about him. Run away!
posted by konig at 10:47 PM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

He's a play toy, nothing more.

Well, maybe. It's entirely possible that the only way he knows how to relate to guys at the moment is purely sexual, he may be interested in more. The likelihood is low, but it's there.

Go shag him.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 11:18 PM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

Game over in the first graf: he is very attractive but he's a whore.
posted by ambient2 at 11:42 PM on March 10, 2009 [3 favorites]

Bone him. But, don't expect too much besides a good time. These guys are cute, fun, and loveable...but man-whores rarely reform until they have to. Have a good time, enjoy him, but don't expect too much. You will always regret not bagging this guy...seriously...go for it.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 11:55 PM on March 10, 2009

If you want to date, do it with somebody else.

If you want a friend who you can booty call, it's probably this guy.
posted by gryftir at 1:51 AM on March 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

One of the smartest pieces of relationship advice I've ever read was here on AskMe. It was, "believe what people say about themselves".

He said he wants to be friends. I get that he's a hottie, and probably great on the dance floor, and says sweet things sometimes. None of that changes what he told you about himself.

As he says, if you are looking for a relationship, he's not your guy. But if you are looking for a little no-strings-attached sex, well, again, he's said he gets around to doing that a lot.

Whichever you choose, be safe with your heart and your health.
posted by Houstonian at 5:00 AM on March 11, 2009 [2 favorites]

Not to psychoanalyze it too much, but there are guys who don't know how to make friends (with except other guys) except to flirt or fuck.
posted by polexa at 5:08 AM on March 11, 2009

oops that should read
(with other guys)
posted by polexa at 5:09 AM on March 11, 2009

He's a friendly guy, and he's a horny drunk.

He's already told you that he just got out of a big relationship and he's just looking to make friends. He's not up for more than random play right now. You're only over-thinking it because you'd prefer a different answer.
posted by heatherann at 6:35 AM on March 11, 2009 [2 favorites]

yeah, believe what David says about himself and what he wants, and know that all the drunken dance floor make-out in the world won't negate it.

I understand the attraction though, so if you can handle it, make the move. Just know that that's all it will be.
posted by agentwills at 6:59 AM on March 11, 2009

What's your next move? Depends on what you want out of the situation.

I'll give the guy the presence of mind to know that he is just capable of friendly fucks and that's it; and yes, it looks like he would like that with you. The reason he may be stopping short of that is because you seem like you're looking for more of a dating/relationship kind of thing, and he knows he can't do that.

So -- if you want to just have some fun sex once or twice and that's it, go for it. If you want more than that, just keep politely but firmly refusing and staying a friend and that's it.

He did warn you that he just got out of something big, so he knows he's just in the "sowing wild oats" phase right now where he is having a lot of casual flings and nothing more.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:15 AM on March 11, 2009

My issue is this: I'm tempted to think that he's physically attracted to me because he's tried to hook up with me on the dance floor twice in the past two weeks. But I'm not certain of that.

20 minute makeout sessions, repeated, do mean they are physically attracted to you.

Does that mean he wants what you want? No. If you want a steady bf, then I'd look elsewhere given his self-reporting.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:59 AM on March 11, 2009

Great advice as usual ... thanks! I'll go forward as friends and hang out with him in just that capacity. If by some miracle he realizes he's not as opposed to dating as he says and thinks he is, then I'll let him make that move and say something about it. As for boning him, I'm tempted, but sex doesn't feel right to me unless I feel like I know the person. So ... friends it is. Thanks again!
posted by cscott at 8:26 AM on March 11, 2009