"Rocky burst in, and grinning a grin..."

March 10, 2009 2:07 AM

Say cheesy! There are threads discussing tips on how to smile more often, but what happens when you do? For those who aren't innately full of sunshine, have you ever made a concerted, sudden effort to smile as much as possible, and what impact has it had on those around you? Does it lift your own spirits, or wear you out? Do people think you're flirting with them and/or get creeped out? Does it start to feel kind of fake after a while, and actually make you feel kinda empty inside? Just a general query.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing to human relations (41 comments total)

Suddenly you notice that everybody else seems a lot nicer, and that makes the world seem like a kinder, gentler place.

There are some people who always smile and some people who always frown, but most of us tend to roughly mirror the facial expressions of the person we're talking to.

So if you smile more, you'll notice that suddenly, everybody you meet is smiling back at you. Weirdly, it feels entirely genuine - mostly because it is. People like being smiled at. It makes them happy.
posted by embrangled at 2:26 AM on March 10 [3 favorites]

Hey there - a few years ago I consciously tried to reset my default expression from "moderately dangerous" to "smiley". The experiment didn't last long, but I found I felt happier when I was smilier.

I don't know why this was the case. The only explanation I came up with was some sort of internal bodily negotiation going on:

Body: Hey, face! Why're you smiling? I don't feel happy.

Face: Relax, body! Why not? Can't you see the dappled play of sun on the grass? The dance of the people on their way to work? Can you hear the birdsong and cars? It's all beautiful in its own way - so kick out some of those 'dorphs, man!

Body: hmm. Well, I guess I must be happy, then... you do normally smile when I'm feeling happy... here you go. *endorphinates*
posted by laumry at 2:27 AM on March 10 [6 favorites]

Um, yeah. Everyone says, "wow you always seem so happy," and you say, "ha ha, that's my stressed-out face," and they don't know how to respond. They say, "ha, look angry for a second," and you make an angry face, and they're like "...."

I'm employed as a bartender, and I'd actually like to form real relationships with many of the customers, but yeah, 90% don't care how you really feel.

Does that get at your question?
posted by salvia at 2:33 AM on March 10

Laumry: I like the "moderately dangerous" label. We always hear about how just forcing yourself to smile is supposed to improve your mood, and that old yarn about holding a pencil between your teeth. But you bring up another point... actually keeping it up to where it becomes a natural part of your demeanor. Despite its potential benefits, it kinda sounds like the gym membership that always end up gathering dust.

Salvia: ....Sure?
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 2:37 AM on March 10

This article covers the bi-directional link between smiling and feeling happy.
posted by devnull at 2:46 AM on March 10

I think I have a great smile, but wasn't using it enough with members of the opposite sex. Now I have a silly little phrase that I find juvenile and funny, I say it to myself, and it automatically, every time, generates a nice smile and I can aim it at whomever I please.
posted by willmize at 4:22 AM on March 10 [3 favorites]

When I saw my doctor in November, she seemed really tired and maybe a little depressed, to the point that I worried that she might be getting sick or thinking about retirement (she's rather young, but very good and I feel it would be a mini-tragedy for me personally if she retired).

I saw her again on an afternoon in February, and remembered my impression from earlier. I decided to try being happy and warm toward her -- of course, usually when she sees me I feel pretty bad, but February's visit was for a physical.

She walked in the room to me saying "Hello there! How are you?" I smiled, too. I was a little startled at the change in her; when she first entered she's seemed normal, for her, but after I spoke she suddenly seemed more awake and, yes, happier herself. I've noticed a similar effect with other people in the past, but this was lovely. I've been seeing this doctor for years and never noticed how nice she looks when she smiles. More than that, she seemed glad to see me and completely alert and focused.

This may be a coincidence, but it was at this appointment that, after examining me and talking with me as usual, she leaned forward in her chair, squinted at me, and said, "How much sunlight are you getting?" She put various pieces of my medical history together, maybe with a journal article she'd recently read, and decided to have my vitamin D level checked. Her hypothesis was spot-on, and I've now been taking vitamin D supplements for several weeks and I feel so much better, my mind is so much clearer, that my life is significantly different.

Did my smiling at her cause this? Can you be sure that it didn't?
posted by amtho at 4:44 AM on March 10 [4 favorites]

I feel much better (not necessarily happier) with even the faintest grin on my face. even if it's not sincere at first. even when I have to force it, within minutes the pointless grinding hopelessness of a short meaningless existance seems more amusing and less painful. also, smiling and waving at strangers is positive to my normally dark and dreary outlook. the looks of suspition and confusion at the simple acknowlegement of a fellow traveler on this meat grinder of a planet makes me think "at least I'm not as bad off as that poor sucker". and when a stranger can smile and wave in return, there is the illusion/feeling of a brief connection that stirs the ashes of my cold dead soul. so, yes, even if you are by nature as dark as me, there are benefits to keeping a smile on your face. and it does come more easily with practice
posted by Redhush at 4:46 AM on March 10 [3 favorites]

She walked into the room to my saying "Hello there! How are you?".

Also, that sounds much more chipper than the moderate cheerfulness that I intended.
posted by amtho at 5:01 AM on March 10

The downside of consciously cultivating a smile:

I have a sad, sometimes angry-looking natural expression (I can't quite make laumry's "moderately dangerous" but that is definitely my new goal). A few years ago I started consciously to modify it, to smile more or at least relax my face. People responded as above, I felt happier, people were nicer to me. However, after a while my years-long nonsmiley habit took over and now everyone, used to me smiling, thought something HORRIBLE had happened because of the awful natural expression that I have. (Same thing happened when I ran a similiar experiment with wearing makeup all the time. When I stopped, everyone thought I was sick, because, yeah, I'm not such a prize in the looks department).

Needless to say, I am now back to my scowly, naturally sick-looking, unpleasant self, and only smile when I feel like it. But it was an interesting experiment (plus, I'm smiling now.)
posted by nax at 6:01 AM on March 10 [2 favorites]

When my face is relaxed it looks like I'm frowning. Because of this I try to make an effort to smile more or at least "smile with my eyes". I don't think smiling for no reason at all, or humoring people that get on my nerves, makes me feel empty at all. At the end of the day I feel better. I work with the same group of clients. A few of them can be very crabby. One or two of them can be insulting. The more I smile and laugh, the friendlier they are. It's a survival technique. Smiling and laughing makes everyone feel better.
posted by Fairchild at 6:11 AM on March 10

I walk around campus, smiling at everyone that makes eye contact. I'd say about 90% of people smile back. I love it when people smile at me, so I smile harder.

Did I mention that I like smiling, even when inside the frowns are running the show?
posted by schyler523 at 6:11 AM on March 10 [1 favorite]

I'm one of those people who's naturally pretty smiley. I find that a lot of people smile back at me, even random strangers (which gets weird when people at the bus smile at me and I don't realize it's because I'm sitting there with a dorky grin on my face) and people I know comment on how it makes them happy to see me. So I'd say yes, do smile more.
posted by martinX's bellbottoms at 6:20 AM on March 10 [1 favorite]

As an anecdote, my manicurist told me last week that she loves it when I am her first customer of the day because my smile makes her start her day on a happy note. If she has customer-cranky-face first, she starts her day heavier.

So, smile as a public service. We will all benefit.
posted by agentwills at 6:26 AM on March 10

About 2 weeks ago someone said something that boosted my confidence and I started approaching people a whole different way - smiling a lot more, not worrying whether they think that I'm ditzy because I felt like smiling and laughing more, and I have to say these 2 weeks have been AWESOME. I've made 2 new buddies, and met a great guy that I really clicked with immediately. Before the whole change in attitude I would've never just walked around with a smile, I was too afraid of what people would think because of me smiling at them, I didn't want them to think I was flirting, etc... but now I don't even think and just smile more and act friendlier all the time. So, smile more!
posted by KateHasQuestions at 6:26 AM on March 10 [4 favorites]

I did an experiment a couple years ago where I decided to smile as much as possible. It was kind of amazing - people respond much better to you, and it opens the door to many authentic moments of communication. It shouldn't be surprising. We're hardwired to respond to this facial expression; it works.
posted by Miko at 7:07 AM on March 10

Smiling is magic. We are programmed to respond. It makes a huge difference. Try it.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:19 AM on March 10

I'm pretty smiley and the only downside is that when I am not smiling (usually because I am about to puke) EVERYONE comments on it. The combination of rushing to get to the bathroom on time and being stopped every few seconds by someone to ask what is wrong is not a good one.
posted by saucysault at 7:33 AM on March 10

My input: I used to work in a grocery shop and, for the hell of it, put on a massive grin for every person I served. What I noticed was that, as well as most (at least 70%) people smiling back, a lot of people struck up a conversation as well. Couldn't totally say it was due to the smiling, but I'm sure it helped.
posted by jhighmore at 7:54 AM on March 10

Confession time: I have always been, internally, a rather sullen and bitter person. It just feels more natural to me to get angry or yell at people. I walk around all the time with angry, mean thoughts in my head. In high school I noticed something, people don't like the angry, mean things I have to say. In fact, they tend to react rather negatively to them. I made a concerted effort then to reinvent my outward personality. I began by observing the "if you don't have anything nice, don't say anything at all rule." This was a bold first step, but once I had it down, I moved on to stage two, being nice (shudder). started saying nice things to people and smiling even when I wanted to tell them what an obnoxious asshole they were or that they stunk or were ugly or whatever. It was hard at first, very very hard. I would crack sometimes and go off, but I would regroup and apologise and move on.

Eventually it became easier. I started to mean the things I said because I started looking for the positive things to focus on rather than dwelling in the negative. Oh, I still have some really ugly thoughts and my wife can tell you (and I think I've cracked on here a few times, my smartassed commentary on here is the tip of the iceberg compared to what goes on in my head) that I occasionally let my guard down, but I just don't feel as angry any more. I still get mad appropriately, I don't act like a doormat, but I also don't tell people to fuck off at the drop of a hat either any more.

Am I fake or stilted because I'm not saying what is on my mind all the time? No, I'm just civil. People like being around me much more like this, really.

They also like my catty commentary after a few drinks, but that is another story.
posted by Pollomacho at 8:21 AM on March 10

People used to pass me in the halls at work, and say, "Don't look so glum! It's not as bad as all that!" (Caveat: I was, in fact, miserable at the time.)

Since consciously deciding to smile at every (solo) person passing me in the halls, people (often, maybe usually) smile right back. People I never interact with, except in the hallways, remember me & beat me to the "hello" (or "hello" smile). I developed a friendship with two of the Latino cleaning people, who barely speak English.

(Caveat: I am still miserable sometimes at work. But I smile. And, when they smile back, I am momentarily not miserable.)
posted by IAmBroom at 8:37 AM on March 10 [1 favorite]

One of the real upsides to being more smiley -- and I'm thinking of myself going from a neutral/spacey facial expression to a neutral/smiley one, not like big grin time -- is that people who get in your business telling you to smile [and for me this was CHRONIC] don't do it anymore which is enough to lift my spirits. It sounds counterintuitive, but looking a little more pleasant can often make people leave you alone more in public situations but be a little more likely to approach you in social situations. I don't know why this is, or if it's a male/female thing, but it works decently well for me.

Also I smile more because I have someone in my life who makes me smile a LOT and it makes my mouth hurt after we've spent a weekend together so it can be a little exhausting but in a good way.
posted by jessamyn at 8:59 AM on March 10 [2 favorites]

That came out weird, so let me append:

I developed a friendship with two of the Latino cleaning people, who barely speak English, and I don't speak Spanish.
posted by IAmBroom at 9:01 AM on March 10

Yeah, one time I remember I was in a dour mood for some reason or another. And I decided that I was going to mask it by just smiling at people as I walked down the street and see where that would take me -- I looked'em in the eyes quickly and smiled, maybe nodded, just like I knew everyone; just like, "Hey, what's up," without the actual words; just like world was my own personal corridor. (And this was in Boston, where people aren't really that friendly.) The result was that people smiled back at me, and the rest ignored me like they woulda done anyway. I soon forgot that I was in a shit mood, and I practiced this more often, because I LIKE smiling anyway, and I like seeing other people smile.

On a more 1-to-1 basis, smiling doesn't mean flirting or creepy, unless you're smiling and beaming while people are talking about the latest plane accident, or while you're checking out their rack/package/favoritebodyparts. You'll probably find less people will join you for bitchfests and more people will say positive things, crack jokes, etc.

So I'll go for the "lift your spirits" answer. If you still feel worn out or empty inside, it's probably not because you're smiling.
posted by not_on_display at 9:35 AM on March 10

I saw this study a little back. Happinessas a contagion.
posted by scazza at 9:53 AM on March 10

I'm emotionally demonstrative by nature. One of those heart firmly on sleeve types. So I'm pretty naturally smiley and laugh fairly easily too (the slight smile lines that have shown up are unwelcome evidence of this). It does seem to affect others and make people respond to it. The only downside is sometimes people might think it's flirting.

Oddly enough, I don't even like my smile.
posted by cmgonzalez at 10:00 AM on March 10

The way you present yourself to others has a direct effect on the person perceive you to be as well as how they react to you and treat you in response. Think about that for half a second and you'll see that it's true.

Here's an obvious for instance: a man walks up to you in the street wearing a hockey mask. He's holding a knife. At this point, you're probably screwed and you know it.

A smile is far more nuanced and it generates a more subtle response, but it's effective nonetheless.

:)
posted by 2oh1 at 11:16 AM on March 10

A few years ago I tried an experiment that came out of a discussion I had with a friend about whether it was possible to love anyone if you could build up sufficient empathy. I attempted to "beam" complete love and acceptance to people... not everyone, just an occasional person. It went beyond smiling, e.g., making eyes soft as happens when you look at a kitten or a baby. I travel all the time, so I'd just pick someone out of the stream of people coming towards me and give it a whirl. People really reacted, almost all positively with just a few confused or suspicious.

The most rewarding reactions came from African American teenage boys, who would look at me sort of quickly and shyly and then give me huge smiles. My theory was that they were often subject to unwarrented, fearful appraisals from people in my demographic (50-ish white female, graying hair) and so were surprised and pleased to be regarded with a different attitude. Their smiles would make my day.
posted by carmicha at 11:30 AM on March 10 [3 favorites]

I'm sort of convinced that 90% of the people who get told to smile more are women. People are generally fine with a man who looks preoccupied or blank, but jesus, a girl can't stare off into space in peace without some stranger or co-worker cajoling her to "cheer up." I used to make an effort to smile more because I didn't like people trying to divine my mood based on a facial expression. But it's not really any of their business why I don't feel like grinning from ear to ear when I'm reflecting on my bank account or wondering if I should have gotten the salmon filet rather than the garden salad. I smile to friends, to cute babies on the subway, to people walking funny-looking dogs, but I've accepted the fact that I'm not obligated to walk down the street exuding sunshine and good will, even if other people feel the need to accost me about my unsmiling face. Seriously, you people who put a sympathetic hand on my shoulder and say, "You should really smile more, you have a great smile," you and I are not adversaries, but the smile I will flash you positively drips with forbearance.

Now when I get "hey girlie, smile more," I tell my assailant that I'm just drawn this way.
posted by zoomorphic at 11:39 AM on March 10 [2 favorites]

Re: Which comes first, the happiness or the smile.

There was a study a few years ago where they had participants either hold a tongue-depressor between their teeth (which forces the face into a smile) or not. Those with the forced smile scored as being happier.
posted by MesoFilter at 12:17 PM on March 10 [1 favorite]

Just another point on the graph, I spent much of my life with the "slightly dangerous" expression. For a number of reasons I decided to try the smile tactic and over the course of about 6 months it went from being forced and fake and weird to natural, to the point where I have a smile pretty much all the time naturally, even when I'm concentrating on something that's not happy or fun. The feedback everyone else talks about was definitely in effect. Getting a smile back from anyone at all feel good, and from someone attractive? That can make my day. My social circle has broadened, I've had a lot more interesting conversations with strangers, met more business contacts, increased the number of random acts of kindness, and got more free drinks and better service than I ever have. If I was a doctor I'd prescribe it to everyone, except it sounds impossibly lame to say that.

YMMV, I live in a dense city where smiling and open friendliness it's generally practiced.
posted by Ookseer at 1:43 PM on March 10 [1 favorite]

I have heard that this is a largely American habit, and that smiling at strangers in, for example, Europe (notably France) is Just Not Done, particularly for women.
posted by amtho at 2:44 PM on March 10

Speaking physically, an excellent book about body language (sorry, forgot the title) made the point that as they age, people who generally smile wind up with much better faces in their 'golden years' than those who don't. To illustrate the latter it had photos comparing a grumpy looking, jowly old woman with a pug-dog.
posted by Rash at 3:21 PM on March 10

I apparently have a default expression somewhere around "dour". Within the past year or so, I trained myself to smile when someone was pissing me off. It's a defense mechanism at this point: it gives me an automatic action to make (vs. grumbling and cursing), potentially disarms others, and helps mask my negative emotional state. It's quite obviously bullshit if you know me well enough to have seen me genuinely smile (since my eyes are a dead giveaway), but it seems to work well for me. ::shrug::
posted by korpios at 3:55 PM on March 10

korpios: Obama seems to do that when he's talking to an adversary (or someone is pissed off at him), he does this wide grin that quickly fades.
posted by amuseDetachment at 7:34 PM on March 10

I love this topic . . . I've always felt that happiness IS contagious, and I try to project friendliness to strangers. but my whole life i have hated my smile. so i got braces and now i've been avoiding smiling for two years because i feel silly.

. . . but I am getting them off tomorrow and I cannot wait to smile at every single person in a twenty mile radius :-D yay!
posted by lblair at 8:03 PM on March 10

When I had braces (for one year in ... 7th or 8th grade) I made a point of smiling at everyone all the time so I wouldn't be one of those people who don't smile because they are embarrassed about braces. (On preview - nothing personal lblair!)

All the things people say are true - everyone is nicer, you get more attention, people think you are better looking. Also, if someone says something to you because you are smiling, instead of answering, you can just smile bigger and save yourself the trouble of talking.

However, as it turns out, I don't really care about any of that and stopped smiling the day my braces came off and didn't do it again until my first job.

Never felt empty inside or fake, but it was a wee bit tiring to make eye contact and smile so often.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 8:13 PM on March 10

There was a study a few years ago where they had participants either hold a tongue-depressor between their teeth (which forces the face into a smile) or not. Those with the forced smile scored as being happier.

I could've sworn I'd mentioned this in my question, saying that experiments like that were so familiar now (though I heard the one with pencils).

My question was somewhat prompted because I'm convinced that just one glare from a stranger would shoot me back down to earth and have me thinking, "Ah, who am I kidding? Life sucks!" I think I come off as fairly happy-go-lucky, even confident, with acquaintances, but I definitely have the tears-of-a-clown thing going sometimes.

I love all the anecdotes here, especially since there are both long-term and short-term ones. I know I personally had my spirits temporarily lifted once while walking along my apartment grounds, and being randomly greeted with a smiley "How're you!" from a lady. I thought how odd it was that I felt so much better after that, and then wondered if it's as effective when a man does it to a woman (being a man myself, mostly).

And I've heard anecdotes about female grocery clerks helping male customers who think they're flirting because they have to smile. But I promise I won't take it the wrong way if you're one of those clerks.

Anyway, more food for thought.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 2:43 AM on March 12

I've heard that telemarketers are encouraged to smile for a 60 seconds at the beginning of their shift to improve their moods, presumably making their voices and interactions 'sweeter'.

I'm going to start everyday with a 60 second smile.
posted by madh at 5:38 PM on March 12

If you don't smile at anyone else, smile at the guy in the toll booth, and the clerk at the drive-thru window. Even I can handle that (and it does make your better).
posted by nax at 10:52 AM on March 15

ALL the guys I know that have big smiles on their face always are also always dating incredibly hot women. Always always always.
posted by krilli at 7:17 AM on October 27