How can I tell when it's alcoholism?

March 9, 2009 3:28 PM

How can I tell when it has crossed the line from heavy drinking into alcoholism?

(Apologies in advance for the long post)

I've recently begun worrying that my boyfriend is becoming an alcoholic.

In the past, he's had his nightly martini when he got home. While it was pretty much an every day thing, he usually kept it limited to just one drink. He was regularly tipsy, but not regularly drunk.

Over the past few months it's gotten worse. Every night, without fail, the first thing he does when he gets in- even before taking his jacket off- is to fix himself a drink. His drinks are always straight up booze. Either a glass of whiskey or a dry martini. When he finishes that, another follows it, and another, and another. This continues until he passes out on the couch. Over the past month, there have been perhaps one or two nights where he has actually gone to sleep in our bed, rather than falling asleep on the couch. This happens whether or not I'm home. Whenever I come home late, I find him sprawled out on the couch. Two times he's been on the floor.

On the weekends, he usually starts drinking a little after noon, and is out like a light by 4 or 5.

The worst instance was recently when he invited a friend of his over for dinner on a Friday. He got out of work early, at around three, and started drinking as soon as he got home. By the time his friend got there, he was barely coherent. He made it through dinner, but immediately afterward he snuck out of the room and went to sleep on my roommates bed. When I found him and woke him up, he came back in for a few minutes before sneaking out again to fall asleep in our bed. I woke him again, and a few minutes later he went into the bathroom to throw up, and afterward went to sleep in the bath tub. His friend eventually got embarrassed and left, with my profuse apologies.

There have been a *lot* of other lesser incidents. Throwing up, drunken shouting matches, that sort of thing. Nothing violent and no medical emergencies, just a constant state of sloppiness whenever he is home.

He is still keeping up his professional obligations. I'm sure he isn't drinking at or before work, as he is always sober (briefly) when he gets home. His life isn't visibly suffering because of his drinking, so it doesn't seem like it has quite crossed the threshhold of becoming a really serious problem. Our relationship is suffering, though, mostly because I rarely get to see him sober anymore.

As far as I know, I'm the only one who really has been majorly impacted by this. My roommates joke about how he's such a lush, but they haven't voiced any serious concerns about it to me, even when I've asked them about it. If we were to have the traditional intervention, wherein everyone takes turns explaining how his drinking has negatively impacted their lives, I think I'd do most of the talking.

I've brought it up with him very non-judgmentally several times, and it always makes him angry. He says that he isn't doing anything wrong, and that I'm just trying to make him feel bad (to "shame him" as he puts it). If I push the issue and raise specific instances where his drinking has caused problems, he gets angry and we start fighting.

So does this count as alcoholism? Am I needlessly worrying about this? My father was an alcoholic until I was 13. I'm not sure whether this means I'm ignoring something which is quite obviously a problem, out of desire to not have another alcoholic in my life, or if it means I'm imagining a problem where there isn't one.

If it isn't yet alcoholism, but is simply heading in that direction, what can I do to keep it from getting to that point?

If it is alcoholism, what should I do?

posted by reticulatedspline to health & fitness (33 comments total)

Yes, he's already crossed that line. Keeping up with one's professional responsibilities while getting drunk as soon as you get home constitutes "visible suffering" and "serious problem". As soon as your drinking starts to regularly affect someone else, you have a problem, regardless of how many people that is.

It's probably worth asking him why he drinks so much. Seriously, people usually don't go from a drink a night to full on boozing without something happening. Finding out what that is would be useful, no? And if he isn't willing to talk about it, then you have a problem entirely apart from his alcoholism. That right there should be a big red flag.

Your concerns about this should be enough for him. You're going to have to make a decision: either he gets help, you leave, or you deal with it. The first two seem like the healthiest options from where I'm sitting. But as the first one doesn't seem likely--though if you give some sort of ultimatum that might put things in perspective--you may have to decide between the second two.
posted by valkyryn at 3:34 PM on March 9 [2 favorites]

Find your local AA chapter, and go to a meeting. You will get some support, and whether you subscribe to their narrative about alcoholism in general, you will get some good tools about how to handle it.

And yes, the line appears to have been crossed, IMO. Good luck.
posted by Danf at 3:42 PM on March 9

Yes, he's already crossed that line. Keeping up with one's professional responsibilities while getting drunk as soon as you get home constitutes "visible suffering" and "serious problem". As soon as your drinking starts to regularly affect someone else, you have a problem, regardless of how many people that is.

That pretty much nails it. You may wish to start planning your exit strategy, because the only way to get him to attend AA or whatever and sober up is for you to remove yourself from the picture, and promise not to come back until he makes a commitment to sobriety.

Not to mention his drinking is just going to make things worse.
posted by KokuRyu at 3:46 PM on March 9

Al-Anon has some excellent resources.
posted by Roach at 3:46 PM on March 9

Whether your boyfriend is, or is not alcoholic, it is fair to say that alcohol is interfering with the way you want to live your life. I strongly suggest you immediately talk with Al-Anon. There are many loving, caring people there who have already been through what you are experiencing. You are not alone.
posted by netbros at 3:47 PM on March 9 [2 favorites]

How long have you been together? Maybe he's not "becoming" an alcoholic. Maybe he was on his best behavior when you first got together, but now that he's comfy in the relationship his true nature is poking through. What you are describing is not remotely normal. Also, getting angry and turning the tables on the person telling you that you drink too much is a classic way that drunks avoid the issue. This is a bad situation. I feel for you. Good luck.
posted by Crotalus at 3:49 PM on March 9

Whoa. To me, there isn't even a question of whether or not he has crossed the line -- your bf has a serious alcohol problem.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 3:50 PM on March 9 [3 favorites]

Do you actually think it hasn't crossed the line? This is about as clear a description of 'a drinking problem' as you can find.

His life isn't visibly suffering because of his drinking,

Sure it is. His girlfriend is posting on a website asking about his drinking, her friends have him pegged as "a lush," he gets angry when his girlfriend brings up the problem and tries to turn the spotlight on her by accusing her of inflicting "shame," or starts a fight. He drinks enough to get sick, he gets loud and angry. He drinks to the point of severe intoxication, loses his judgment, acts inappropriately, and (it sounds like) has blackouts. In short, his drinking is seriously affecting his relationships. Usually the time that a habit becomes a problem is when it begins to impact a person's work or relationships. He's protecting his work life, but he's been happy to sell your relationship, your time together, and the social environment the two of you live in out to his drinking. You rate a distant third.

I know you're probably too close to the whole situation to realize how much his drinking problem has affected his life and yours, but he's fairly well along, by the sound of it - daily habitual drinking during all non-working hours until he passes out is pretty advanced alcohol abuse. It just really sounds unequivocal. Also, you describe a progressive pattern - started with drinking that was under control, but has spiralled into near-constant involvement with alcohol.

There's always a problem with deciding that someone else is an alcoholic - his behavior is entirely consistent with alcoholism, but it's really for him to decide whether he has that problem or not. You might refer him to the set of questions that Alcoholics Anonymous uses to get people to think about their drinking - the questions are about behaviors that have been shown to correlate highly with problem drinking (note: only four 'yes' answers indicate a problem. Many problem drinkers have more than four). If he has a lot of these, he might have a drinking problem.

In the meantime, all you need to know is that your life is being impacted by his drinking. I can't imagine that you are feeling good about this relationship, and it sucks to have to apologize to friends about his out-of-control behavior.

I know you are just barely beginning to grapple with the idea that he might be a real Capital A Alcoholic, and that takes a shift in perspective, but as soon as you can accept the idea I recommend you hightail it to the next Al-Anon meeting you can find. Depending on where you live, it's likely you can find one occuring within the next several days or at least a week. The only requirement to attend is that someone else's drinking is affecting you - guess what, you count.

Al-Anon's focus is not on the drinker. It's on you, the impacted people. You've tried talking to the guy who drinks, and not gotten anywhere. Yes, you can talk about it more seriously, or try to catch him when he's sober and talk about it, and yes, you could try to stage an intervention - but he's not likely to change unless he wants to and has reasons to. If losing you were potentially a good enough reason to make him want to change, an intervention from you or you with others might help. But whether he decides to change or he doesn't, you can change - you're the only person who can control you and what kind of life you'd like to have. You might find a greater measure of sanity, and you'll definitely find a better set of benchmarks, by going to one of these meetings.

Just plan on listening the first time you go - people usually go around and say whatever they want about their lives, sometimes in response to a reading. You'll hear stories that remind you of yours and learn a bit about how people cope. You'll hear the serenity prayer and some people will talk about their higher power, but you don't have to - it's not a cult. The aim is to help restore you to calmness and peace.

If that doesn't sound helpful, just put it in your back pocket and save it til later. Maybe someday you'll find it helpful. But in the meantime, in direct answer to your question: only your boyfriend can say whether he's an alcoholic. He sounds like an alcoholic, behaves like an alcoholic, and drinks like an alcoholic. Sometimes people like that take refuge in a social scene where drinking is common and normal and they stand out less for that - but the thing is, eventually they stand out anyway, because they don't drink like other people. They can't drink like other people. It sounds like that might describe him. I'm sorry it got like this for you. I hope both of you can find a way to a better existence.
posted by Miko at 3:50 PM on March 9 [29 favorites]

It really, really sounds like he has crossed that line. From what you describe, if he's not at work or about to go to work, he is either drunk or about to be. He drinks alone, and when other people aren't drinking. He is able to meet his professional obligations, but those are the only obligations he is meeting. I've had many alcoholics in my family, both recovered/ing and current. Most of them have been able to go to work as normal, but clearly still had a problem.
Your roommates mentioning to you that he is a lush jokingly may be their way of feeling out whether you're noticing it or not. It's very possible that they think he has a problem, but don't want to offend you by saying it outright, or don't think it's really their business.

I'm a bit confused about your living situation-- do you officially live together and then have roommates, or does he just usually sleep at your place? If it's your place, keep booze off limits and limit how much booze he can bring over (not letting him bring any would be best, of course).
If he doesn't want to listen to you, you may have to make the choice of whether to continue to put up with his behavior. You don't necessarily have to DMTFA, but you can limit the time you spend together, or impose other restrictions that may make him think harder about whether he wants to keep denying the problem.
posted by fructose at 3:57 PM on March 9

Yes, 100% he has crossed the line and is an alcoholic. If this is not a serious relationship for you, I'd say give it ONE shot. One committed, carefully-thought-out attempt to convince him: yes, it's a problem, it's horrible and hurtful for you, and he definitely needs to get help. If he hears you and goes for help, great. If not, if he continues to resist and harm your life together-- well, frankly, if the relationship isn't serious, I'd hightail it the hell outta there.

I can say with the certainty of a stranger that his drinking problem is not your fault; and it is not normal. Please know that not all families and relationships have problems like this, and this is NOT just one of those things you're expected to compromise on like doing the dishes.

If it is a serious relationship, then steel yourself for a rocky road that may yet have a happy ending- and I hope it does. Other people have great advice for how to help him and yourself. In the meantime, I strongly suggest you avoid getting pregnant or married until you're satisfied with his sobriety. Good luck!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 4:03 PM on March 9 [1 favorite]

If you have to ask, you already know.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 4:05 PM on March 9 [3 favorites]

Halfway through your post, I thought to myself, "This person MUST have grown up with an alcoholic." Sure enough:

"My father was an alcoholic until I was 13."

Others have already given great advice, but I'll add that, no matter what happens, you should either go to some Al-anon meetings or talk with a therapist. You grew up with an alcoholic, which makes you much more likely to become either an enabler or an alcoholic yourself. You sound like a very centered, intelligent person, but your childhood set you on a path to find men like the alcoholic you're dating.
posted by coolguymichael at 4:06 PM on March 9 [5 favorites]

Oops, allow me to apologize for making a massive assumption about gender by leaping to "girlfriend." Apologies for that, it was unthinking. And probably a little projecting - I've been in those shoes. :)
posted by Miko at 4:19 PM on March 9 [2 favorites]

Yes, alcoholic. If he doesn't acknowledge that it's a problem, there's little you can do beyond leaving. I guess you could try Al-Anon for some support for yourself. Sorry to put it so starkly, but you can't change people, they can only change themselves.
posted by number9dream at 4:21 PM on March 9

He's depressed, an alcoholic, and needs therapy.
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:28 PM on March 9

I have a very close friend who has been in detox and now rehab because of his drinking. The problem was compounded as every one of his friends, myself included, were drinking buddies of his. So I'm coming from the position of someone who has a pretty liberal view of drinking, but has seen alcoholism first-hand, and I would say that yes, this is very definitely a drinking problem.

In the time that I've known my friend he started out as a heavy drinker and at some point crossed the line. It was hard to see where that line was, quite possibly he had been an alcoholic for years. Certainly he could drink more than anyone of his body mass, certainly he would carry on drinking when everyone else had stopped. Certainly there were signs but there was so many things that none of us knew, stashes that only his other half knew about and events that only some of us found out when he went to get help. It's amazing what an addict can cover up. He had experienced drinkers fooled that when we went for a drink this was his first, that when he was acting weird, well, that's just him, that he'd always had shaky hands, and we never knew about missed days and crazy behaviour because he wouldn't remember and of course wouldn't tell us anyway. I don't know what your actual situation is, but with hindsight seeing the behaviour you describe I would expect the worse I'm sorry to say. Best of luck.
posted by ob at 4:29 PM on March 9

I used to begin drinking around noon and pass out by 7PM. I definitely had a drinking problem. If he's passing out by 4-5, he's in even worse shape than I was and really needs help with the sauce.
posted by porn in the woods at 4:33 PM on March 9

I'm sorry you're going through this - I could have written this post a year or so ago, almost to the word. My partner is an alcoholic, and it took me a long time (and him an even longer time) to come around to that realization and really start to figure out what it meant for us, individually and as a couple. Which isn't something I want to write a lot about publicly, but please feel free to MeFiMail me anytime if you need someone to talk to about what you're going through.

To answer your question more directly, if you or he are asking the question, there's something problematic going on, whether it's his drinking, your reaction to it, or some combination of these and other factors. If you or he are stuck on the label "alcoholic", maybe the thing to do for now is just acknowledge that there's a problem and work out some ways to start dealing with that, without worrying too much about the label for now.
posted by Stacey at 4:34 PM on March 9 [3 favorites]

Has something happened over the last few months to trigger this drastic increase in alcohol consumption? 1 drink a night is fine (and by some people 'recommended') but to go from that to passing out every night in the space of a few months suggests theres something seriously wrong that he's just not dealing with.
posted by missmagenta at 4:45 PM on March 9

How can I tell when it's alcoholism?

When everyone on AskMeFi tells you he's an alcoholic, he's an alcoholic. You might want to get therapy and/or help even if he won't. It might be time to DTMFA if he won't straighten up.
posted by chairface at 4:52 PM on March 9

If you've described this accurately, it's definitely alcoholism. (I am a recovering alcoholic and I see myself here.) It is almost certainly depression as well - not all depressives are addicts, but all addicts are depressives. If it isn't the depression that led to the addiction, the addiction will bring on depression.

His condition if clearly making you unhappy. If you are concerned about leaving him, that if you do his drinking might accelerate, all I can say is that he isn't in a fixed state, he's on a trajectory that leads in one direction: total ruin. Leaving him might accelerate things, or it might bring on the moment of clarity that leads to recovery. You could be enabling him by staying with him. The two outcomes are ruin or recovery whatever you do; you can't know the outcome in advance. It's a horrible position to be in. But either way, it's not your responsibility.

If you want to stay with him, and want to help him, you are in for a very difficult, lonely time. The first step is to set up support for yourself, and Al-Anon is almost certainly the best source of that (or a good therapist; but groups with people who have had the same experience are so valuable for anyone living with addiction). That's your next move, and you can discuss subsequent moves with them.

Feel free to Mefimail me, but the people who can really help are people who have lived with addicts, and I've only lived that from the other point of view. ((Hug.))
posted by WPW at 5:01 PM on March 9

He has crossed the line, two details betray this. Mixing drinks before you even take off your jacket, and ending up asleep on the floor, are signs to me that he has lost control over his alcohol consumption.
posted by fire&wings at 5:29 PM on March 9

In the past, he's had his nightly martini when he got home. While it was pretty much an every day thing ...

Drinking alcohol every day (and, if not getting daily dose, cranky) = yup. Everything else is just extra.
posted by zippy at 6:27 PM on March 9 [1 favorite]

DTMFA.

He's already left you for the drink, and it's time you leave him for someone who won't.
posted by trotter at 7:15 PM on March 9 [1 favorite]

Our relationship is suffering, though, mostly because I rarely get to see him sober anymore.

Yep, that's bullshit. As someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent and spent a lot of my early 20s and 30s guessing at how normal people deal with alcohol, I feel like I can tell you straight: your partner has a problem because you have a problem with how much of your lives it is taking over.

That said, you can try to approach your partner, but you should also just ask yourself what you need and figure out how to go about getting it. Arguing with someone who says they love you about why they won't stop doing the thing that is destroying your relationship is a really shitty way to spend much time at all. Think about talking to the Al-Anon people if you lean that way, and give your partner some support, but give yourself more. Good luck, this sucks.
posted by jessamyn at 7:31 PM on March 9 [1 favorite]

I am NOT a psychiatrist, but I work for one who happens to be one of the authorities in the field and has sat on the committee that defined alcohol abuse/dependence for the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, which are the clinical guidelines for a bunch of disorders including alcohol abuse. I interview people every week about their alcohol use, and I have to say that people who have far fewer problems than your boyfriend meet our criteria for abuse and sometimes dependence.

Here are the clinical criteria:
http://www.alcoholcostcalculator.org/business/about/dsm.html
Here is a nice checklist a medical professional might use based off the detailed book version of those criteria:
http://www.projectcork.org/clinical_tools/pdf/DSM-IV_DiagnosticWorksheet.pdf

The questions we ask when we're assessing alcohol problems for research are very similar to that checklist. The most important ones:

- Has the amount you needed to get a buzz or get drunk gone up 50% from what it used to be? (sounds like the answer is yes from your description?)
- Have you had problems not fulfilling responsibilities at school, work, or with family or friends because of drinking? (sounds like yes)
- Have people close to you voiced objections or argued with you about your drinking? (sounds like yes)
- Do you drink when you don't intend to, or drink even when you set a limit for yourself?
- Do you do dangerous things like drive a car drunk or mix alcohol with medication/drugs?
- Did you want to stop drinking 3 or more times but found you couldn't?
- Do you keep drinking despite any of the above, or despite any physical/health problems related to drinking?

Sounds like he meets at least three of these, which means most psychiatrists using the DSMIV would diagnose him with alcohol abuse, and some might call him alcohol dependent if there were more detail. That probably means nothing to him, though. I'm sorry I don't know what will make him realize he has a problem, but among the people I've seen, it often takes the wake-up call of legal trouble, losing a job, dropping out of school, or worse. The best thing for you, if he refuses to seek help, is to distance yourself from him, not only to protect yourself but to find a healthier model for life and relationships, since you are at a very slightly higher risk than the general population for developing alcohol problems because of your father (just genetically speaking; obviously you've managed to avoid that through better choices, so keep that up!)
posted by slow graffiti at 7:55 PM on March 9 [1 favorite]

He is an alcoholic. I don't know how serious your relationship with him is, but if it's even a remote possibility for you, I would get out as soon as possible. It doesn't sound like he's anywhere near ready to confront this, and his anger with you may just get worse. As will his drinking problem. Chances are it will get worse and worse.

If your relationship is serious and you're committed to trying to help him through this, see if you can get him into couples therapy. It sounds like he has no idea (or is denying that) he has a problem, so it may be hard to get him to AA. Maybe if you frame it as a relationship problem between you instead of solely as his problem, he might be more receptive to getting help. You cannot help him on your own.

Be careful, of both your physical and your psychological health. Good luck.
posted by walla at 9:11 PM on March 9

Yes. That's alcoholism.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:13 PM on March 9 [1 favorite]

I stopped reading at: When he finishes that, another follows it, and another, and another.

I don't know if it's technically alcoholism or not, but it's a problem for both you and him. Tell him you're not willing to put up with it, and don't.
posted by beerbajay at 2:45 AM on March 10

I'm a drinker who tends to feel like threads on potential alcoholism around here can get puritanical. And I'm piping in to say that I agree that the behavior you describe is not a healthy relationship with alcohol whatsoever.

I certainly disagree strongly that drinking alcohol every day is some sort of sure-fire sign of alcoholism (wine with dinner, hello) especially as plenty of alcoholics don't drink every single day. But drinking steadily from the time one gets home until passed out every single day to the exclusion of all other activities and relationships is not moderate, normal daily alcohol consumption.
posted by desuetude at 8:08 AM on March 10

Reading this question literally brought a tear to my eye because at one point in the past my wife could have easily been the one asking it. Alcoholism is a bastard of a thing because of the way it tears up the lives of everyone around the afflicted. I have a friend who often says that at his house there were 6 people suffering from alcoholism and only one of them drank.

Miko has already said everything that I was coming here to say and she has done it a lot more eloquently than I could hope to. I agree with every word she has written including that your boyfriend is really the only one that can decide whether he is alcoholic or not. I will however say that when people ask me how they can tell if they have a drinking problem I suggest that if there is any (physical, mental, professional, personal, financial, social, etc etc) area of their life that would be improved if they did not drink they probably should consider that there is a problem. I'm sure if your boyfriend answered this question honestly (he probably can't so don't bother asking it) the aswer would most assuredly be "yes."

Please follow Miko's and others advice and seek out an Al-Anon meeting. I wrote a little about Al-Anon in a previous thread that might be helpful to read.

Unfortunately in terms of "what should I do" there is not much more that you can do besides taking care of yourself. The most important thing to remember when dealing with someone else's drinking is that you did not cause it, you can not control it, and you most definitely can NOT cure it. What form that self-care should take I can not tell you but I think that there is a good chance that the folks at Al-Anon could help you figure it out.
posted by Bango Skank at 1:47 PM on March 10 [2 favorites]

Please do go to an AA or AlAnon meeting. They'll be listed in the newspaper. You may or may not be able to help him resolve his problems with alcohol, but you can get support to help you cope. Good luck.
posted by theora55 at 2:36 PM on March 10

Jumping back in to say that I definitely recommend checking out an Al-Anon meeting or three, but if you decide it's not for you, that's okay. It's not the way to go for everyone, or at least the meetings available to you may not be.

I'm very glad I went, I picked up some useful literature and concepts, but in the long run it was not for me. You may find you feel the same way, and it can sometimes feel like you're way the hell out in left field when 99% of the recommendations you'll run into are "Al-Anon saved my life!" and your experience is more, "Those people were really nice and I feel less alone now, but I've given it a fair shot and this approach is really not for me." If that happens, it won't mean you're crazy or you're not trying hard enough or whatever, it will just mean that's not what's going to work for you. Something else will. Just keep looking, and take care of yourself in the meanwhile.
posted by Stacey at 4:49 PM on March 10