How do save a friendship when I may have stolen a job from a friend?

March 9, 2009 8:18 AM

After deciding not to apply for a position with a competing company (that they had sought me for), I suggested to a friend that she should apply. At the last minute I had second thoughts and applied. My friend was not chosen but I am on my second and final interview. Provided I am offered this job, how do I save this friendship?

A competing company created a position they hoped I would be interested in. I am not actively unhappy in my current job - but things could be better and this position offers a chance to add to my current skillset and move me up the corporate ladder. After speaking with the hiring manager and evaluating my current job, I decided not to apply. I told a friend about the job and she applied at my suggestion. She was interviewed and reported to me that it went very well. I have a revelation moment at my job and realized that my company is possibly having some captial issues and that despite my best efforts, was not happy there. So I applied for the job, literally at the last minute. The hiring manager called me immediately and arranged an interview. My interview went very well - he claimed I was his top candidate. The very next day, my friend got news he didn't get the job and I got news that I have a second interview.

My friend does not know any of this - she doesn't even know I had second thoughts and applied.

I figured that I only have to mention this if I get the job - I don't think I knocked my friend out of the running. And she has no clue I even applied on a whim.

Opinions???

posted by anonymous to human relations (17 comments total)

You haven't mentioned anything about the friend's position on all this. Does he care that he didn't get the job? Does he want the job? Is he currently out of work? How do you think he'll feel about you getting the job? Applying for it without telling him?

Please follow up with the mods so we know where to start.
posted by iamkimiam at 8:36 AM on March 9

er, she.
posted by iamkimiam at 8:37 AM on March 9

Since the company created the position hoping you would be interested in it it seems disingenuous to say that you don't think you knocked your friend out of the running. Of course you did. Unless you flubbed the interview in a major way the job was clearly yours to take or not.

As for your next step, I think it depends on whether your friend is out of work or is employed and casually looking. If they are indeed unemployed and looking you do kind of come across as a dick here. And I'm not saying you shouldn't have applied for the job, I'm just saying that your friend's perception of you might be, huh, well that was a dick move.

If you get the job I think you just need to be honest and say yes, I applied for the job and now I have it. Can I buy you dinner & drinks? If your friend is unemployed they might be hurt by your actions and pull away from you. If applying for the job was a more casual thing (for them) the friendship could very well be fine.
posted by kate blank at 8:42 AM on March 9 [1 favorite]

"They convinced me to apply. And, yeah, seeing as they were originally looking to hire me, I got the job. I am sorry that I misled you about my level of interest in the job--I hope that the application and interview process wasn't too much of a waste of your time."
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:46 AM on March 9

Believe it or not, I was in the EXACT SAME POSITION as you, a few months ago. (Had a job, got pursued by another job, told them i wasn't interested, referred a friend, then changed my mind and called the employer back.) I was nervous as hell about the same thing, and my plan was this: I would tell her that they had continued to pursue me and 'made me an offer i couldn't refuse', or some such thing. Shift the blame from me to the employer. Expect some chillyness, but a recovery, because "these things happen."

The big difference is that the employer chose to hire both of us, so the social problem became a non issue, but... that was my plan!

(On the other hand, six months before, a friend did the same thing to me for another job, we both inteviewed, she didn't get it, I did. She also didn't tell me she was applying. We had a very grown -up discussion about it being an issue that was big deal for both of us - in that we both deserved the opportunity to apply, and that neither of us would hold a grudge, etc. Is it possible you can still have that kind of discussion without revealing that you've applied and interviewed already?)
posted by Kololo at 8:51 AM on March 9

Your friend wasn't good enough for the position so they were eliminated from the hiring process.
Business is business.

If you are really worried about it I would say that they called you AFTER your friend was eliminated and you agreed to come interview.
posted by zephyr_words at 9:22 AM on March 9 [7 favorites]

Usually I'm a huge proponent of honesty, but in this case it might just make things easier to say that they called you after telling your friend no, and managed to talk you into applying at that point. I wouldn't go this way if this was a really super close soulmate type friend, but in most cases a little fudging on the timeline seems like your best option.

If this really is someone close enough that a white lie would eat you up with guilt, then you're going to have to be honest. Explain the revelatory new information about your existing company's capital issues, because that kind of information about (lack of) job stability is a pretty fair reason to change your mind about sticking around.
posted by vytae at 9:28 AM on March 9

If they didn't make it to second interview... Well, there's every chance she wasn't cut out for it anyway for whatever reason.

I'd take the angle of "An opportunity, even if you missed it."
posted by Rendus at 9:30 AM on March 9

If friendship is so important to you, you could always decide not to take the job.

If you take the job, honesty is the best policy. Don't create a story or a lie to explain how you ended up in the job, because friends don't lie to each other.

Let your friend know what happened (the AskMe question will do the job). Also say to your friend that you really hope to remain friends. Because it's going to seem pretty strange when you suddenly wind up in the position.

The contentious part will be whether or not your friend thinks you "stole" the job.
posted by KokuRyu at 9:35 AM on March 9

I've been in this position, and my friend and I kept each other in the loop. We just wanted each other to do well 'cuz, hey, we're friends! I got further in the process than she did, but she was never upset about it. In the end, I turned down the position because the company wasn't so great - information that ended being helpful to both of us. What helped in my case was 1) being honest with my friend so that she knew we were both in the running, and I wasn't trying to slide one past her 2) We promised to recommend each other if either of us made it.
posted by katillathehun at 10:02 AM on March 9

You can try the little-white-lie route as offered above, but I don't think it's going to fly. I don't think there's any way to come out of this without your friend looking at you sideways. She might never say anything out loud, but beileve me, that little seed of mistrust has been planted and the red flag is waving in front of her. Again, this might not end the friendship, but I don't think there's anything you can say or do to prevent it from being altered at least a little. As an outsider looking in, your story is plausible, but something about it doesn't wash with me. I thnk a more accurate description is that you probaby didn't think your friend would take your suggestion and apply and once she did, your eyes started to get a little green and you couldn't bear seeing her with that job if that's how the chips had fallen. I think this is more like what really happened. I think your friend will think so as well. Sorry you're in this conundrum.
posted by GeniPalm at 10:54 AM on March 9 [2 favorites]

I don't think I knocked my friend out of the running.

Come on, don't be disingenuous. They created the position with you in mind, you refuse then change your mind, and the very day after you interview they tell her she didn't get the job. Hopefully your friend currently has a job (interesting that you left that info out of your question). I guess you can lie to her with some "offer you couldn't refuse" BS and maybe salvage the friendship. But don't lie to yourself: you pulled a dick move.
posted by 6550 at 10:54 AM on March 9

I guess you can lie to her with some "offer you couldn't refuse" BS and maybe salvage the friendship. But don't lie to yourself: you pulled a dick move.

A dick move? How so? By taking a position that was created especially for them? It was very nice of the poster to notify their friend of the job opportunity, but I fail to see how that action makes it wrong for the poster to change their minds about the job.

Personally, OP, I would tell your friend exactly what you told us - that you originally didn't want the job, but had a wake-up call - that you feel bad that you were the reason they didn't get the job, and then take her to dinner to make up for it. A true friend may be disappointed, but they should also be happy for you.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 11:52 AM on March 9 [2 favorites]

Oh, the poster isn't wrong to change their mind about the job. I think the hard part is when the poster changed their mind, they didn't tell the friend, who they knew would be adversely affected by it. Or when the friend called to say 'aww, I didn't get the job', the poster didn't say, I am so sorry to hear that, and I have something to tell you. (spill beans here), and then remind the friend that they recommended them because they think well of them, and apologize for not saying so earlier.

I imagine the poster would want to know such information if the situation was reversed.

But hey, we don't always behave as well as we'd like, and friends, more than almost everyone, are the most likely to forgive us for it. After all, it sounds like your intentions were good - you didn't tell them because you didn't want to hurt them. But I say go with being honest. Take them to lunch, tell them what happened and why, and that their friendship means a great deal to you.
posted by anitanita at 8:38 PM on March 9

Look, the friend didn't even make it to the second interview. Regardless of whether the OP applied the friend was not the right fit for the job. Its ridiculous to tell the OP that it was a dick move or that the OP should turn down the job. In business school friends compete for the same job all the time. Its no big deal. This is not like dating the same person - business is business. The OP should just tell their friend that they decided to apply if and when they get the job.
posted by zia at 9:41 PM on March 9

It sounds like your skill set is similar. You could try getting her a job at where you're leaving. Tell her what zephyr_words suggested, I reckon, and say you're putting in a good word for her when you leave the place you're at. I'd do this only if she's currently unemployed and looking for work, though.

I don't know, I'm kind of in the "business is business" crowd. I think people are a bit silly about jobs sometimes--over-personalize them. They're pretty abundant in most industries (yes, even in the present recession), particularly if you have a degree, so this shouldn't be an issue. I think the only problem is that it appears you double-crossed her, which you didn't.

I think you have two real options. The first and likely best is what zehpyr_words suggests. The second is that you tell her the truth and show her this to prove that you valued your relationship with her and really weren't trying to play around and/or hurt her.
posted by metalheart at 8:38 AM on March 10

Business is business and also, how can you know the company's thinking - maybe they would not have hired anyone but you?

You should be straight with her about the fact that you did reopen the conversation with the company, though.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 8:23 PM on March 10