Who's calling, please?
March 4, 2009 2:17 PM   Subscribe

"Hi, is this [your name here]?" Is this really considered acceptable nowadays?

I thought this was rude 5 years ago when I was in a rural area, but now back in the city getting a job callback from a high profile agency, it starts with this question about my identity, on a first name basis, yet! I thought proper etiquette, business and otherwise, was for callers to identify themselves, or at least ask for who they wish to speak to, not start an inquisition without identifying themselves. What's really the norm nowadays? I can't understand why people would try to start their first call to me at my home with the fake familiarity that telemarketers do. What am I missing here? I feel quite put off when people do this.
posted by Listener to Society & Culture (40 answers total)

This post was deleted for the following reason: This is pushing pretty far into the "I dislike this thing, let's talk about how I dislike this thing" genre of chatfilter. -- cortex

 
Personally I think it's rude - I always answer it with, "Who's calling please?"
posted by different at 2:19 PM on March 4, 2009


Callers should identify themselves. This drives me batshit crazy. When someone calls me on the telephone I always ask "who is calling, please." And there's always this long pause, like they are offended I'd ask. Insane.
posted by Maisie Jay at 2:20 PM on March 4, 2009 [2 favorites]


I should add - the reason I think it's rude is because when you telephone someone, you're more or less interrupting them just by calling. It's polite, in my opinion, to acknowledge this by at least letting them know WHO it is that is doing the interrupting!
posted by different at 2:22 PM on March 4, 2009


I agree with you that this maneuver is impolite, but it happens all the time. It happens, I think, because the world's a big, diverse place in which not everyone shares the same standards. I doubt the people doing this are intending any rudeness or deliberately spurning your preferred method; it works for them so they keep doing it.
posted by chudmonkey at 2:22 PM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]


Although I don't do personally do this, I have never considered this rude.
posted by 0xFCAF at 2:22 PM on March 4, 2009 [4 favorites]


Wow, really? I never thought much about it, and begin calls in this manner all the time. Granted, I am not a telemarketer and have never worked in a cold-calling position.
posted by yomimono at 2:23 PM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]


In my experience, it is common, though not universal.

You may be perturbed by it, but when in Rome, do as the Romans do, otherwise the Romans won't be interested in talking to you.

Just chalk it up to cultural differences and move on.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:23 PM on March 4, 2009


"No, this is an answering machine. Leave a message after the click."
posted by jeffamaphone at 2:24 PM on March 4, 2009


Best answer: I think this has become more standard due to the fact that many individuals use cell phones as their only phone lines. So one assumes that if you are calling someone, it will be that person who answers, as few people share cell phones with others. I know that if someone calls me on my cell (my only phone line) and says "Hello, may I speak with Greta Simone?" I'm weirded out a bit because my reaction is "well who do you think you're talking to now, silly".
posted by greta simone at 2:24 PM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]


Huh. Never occurred to me that that was rude. I mean, I don't do it, as I don't call people I don't know, but when I get those calls. I can see your point now that I think about it, but I guess I just assumed they wouldn't want to go through the introduction to your 10 year old daughter or whatever, and if they don't know you, how do they know who lives at your number... Basically, doesn't seem like that big a deal.
posted by mdn at 2:25 PM on March 4, 2009


I like to answer those kinds of calls with, "You're calling me; you mean you don't know?" Or if I'm feeling less snarky, I just cut in with, "Who's calling, please?" It's definitely rude not to identify oneself when calling. It leaves the callee sort of defenseless.
posted by Wylie Kyoto at 2:26 PM on March 4, 2009


Response by poster: > but when in Rome, do as the Romans do, otherwise the Romans won't be interested in talking to you.

That's not helpful. Screw the Romans. This is my city. I'm not asking for advice about changing my behaviour. I'll keep asking who's calling.

If others don't think it's worth bothering about, maybe don't answer. I'm trying to understand why on earth people do this horrible intrusive offensive thing.
posted by Listener at 2:28 PM on March 4, 2009


I do it all the time. I got a phone number in an email & when I called back the first thing I said was "Hi, is this so & so?" and when he answered in the affirmative, I followed up with "This is so & so, the such & such" (where he'd know who I was from our emails).

I suppose the more polite thing to do would be to introduce myself first, but it's a bit odd for me to introduce myself to someone who may-or-may-not be the person I'm looking for. Sort of like those people who answer "Hello, My Name speaking" which is understandable, but just awkward and unnatural.
posted by Muffy at 2:28 PM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]


Best answer: I've never really thought about it, people do this all the time when they call me and I'm sure I do it when I call people. I hate the phone and avoid it at all costs so I tend to just take the most direct route so I don't waste people's time.
posted by bradbane at 2:28 PM on March 4, 2009


Oh, and I wouldn't be at all insulted if the person on the other line asked who I was before they confirmed their identity.

It's really only an issue, in my opinion, if you're expecting the person on the other line to exploit the knowledge of who they're calling, but in a friendly world you could give out your name with nary a second thought.
posted by Muffy at 2:31 PM on March 4, 2009


I should point out stuff like this is why I hate the phone, you are calling and interrupting someone and then everyone has their own little pet peeves about what is acceptable or polite and what isn't. You really think this is a "horrible intrusive offense" thing to do?

Why can't everything be done over email, jeez.
posted by bradbane at 2:32 PM on March 4, 2009


Response by poster: > I suppose the more polite thing to do would be to introduce myself first, but it's a bit odd for me to introduce myself to someone who may-or-may-not be the person I'm looking for. Sort of like those people who answer "Hello, My Name speaking" which is understandable, but just awkward and unnatural.

I agree, but in a business context, if you are trying to get through to someone important, saying your name could be meaningful if you know that person wants to hear from you. Just as I would have been very well informed to know it was the high profile agency calling me. In a more casual situation, the natural thing seems to me to ask, "May I speak to so and so" and then the 12 year old will put mummy on the line or whatever. Direct route to who you want to talk to.
posted by Listener at 2:32 PM on March 4, 2009


This is becoming fairly common, and it is terribly rude. Major companies are even doing this.

They're calling me but either
a) expect me to psychically recognize who they are or expect me to just
b) be gullible enough to do business or give out personal information (including confirmation of my identity) to a total stranger.

I've also had people leave me messages where they never once identified themselves. I eventually amended my outgoing greeting with "no unidentified calls will be returned" because it got that bad.

Every time someone does this, before confirming anything, I always ask "Who is this? or "Who are you?"" Sometimes it seems to put them on the spot, but if they're calling me legitimately, it all works out.
posted by cmgonzalez at 2:35 PM on March 4, 2009


Response by poster: >You really think this is a "horrible intrusive offense" thing to do?

People often have a fake overly friendly voice when they do it.

>Why can't everything be done over email, jeez.

Indeed, but the agency chose to call me. I think I'll go back to not answering the damn thing and let the machine get it. I hate phone calls more than the next guy, which is why I like a smooth start.
posted by Listener at 2:36 PM on March 4, 2009


In my working life, I answer the phone in a way that includes giving my name. In my personal life, I don't even pick up unless I recognize the name on the Caller ID. I guess I've never had this problem.
posted by box at 2:36 PM on March 4, 2009


I do it all the time, but it's because I don't know that the person answering the phone is the person I'm trying to call. If that's the case, then starting off the call with "hi, this is soandso" is probably not helpful unless that person happens to know me as well. Guess it depends on the type of calls you make. If it's a cellphone, there's a good chance the person answering is the person I'm trying to call, so in that case, yes, I'll say "hi, it's soandso, is it a good time to call".
posted by hungrysquirrels at 2:37 PM on March 4, 2009


What's the deal with "Hi, is this [your name here]?" Man, "Hi, is this [your name here]?" sucks, amirite?
posted by dersins at 2:37 PM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]


Best answer: In a more casual situation, the natural thing seems to me to ask, "May I speak to so and so"

People do this to me too and I still ask them to introduce themselves first. They're calling me; I shouldn't have to ask who they are. The more polite option, would be along the lines of

"Hi my name is cmgonzalez (from, re:, about, etc), and I'm calling for ________. Is he/she available?"
posted by cmgonzalez at 2:37 PM on March 4, 2009


As a counterpoint, I have a phone number very similar to someone's executive assistant, meaning I frequently get calls that go "This is Mr. Very Important Business Man, why isn't Mr. So-and-So answering his direct line?" I find that much more impolite (not to mention confusing for both of us) than "Is this Mr. So-and-So's office?" Maybe it's a matter of tone and phrasing rather than the actual message.
posted by Meg_Murry at 2:38 PM on March 4, 2009


Response by poster: > I don't know that the person answering the phone is the person I'm trying to call.

Right, so you ask if that person is there. Then they say, "Speaking." Very quick.

Asking who they are puts them on the spot. That's why telemarketers and skip chasers (I had the former phone number of someone who was being chased for money) use it specifically to put people on the spot. Which is why other people should avoid it, in my opinion.
posted by Listener at 2:40 PM on March 4, 2009


I think the form is now a casual version of "Hi, may I speak with _______?". However "Hi, is this ___________?" comes across as more blunt and possibly more 'rude'. While the former version asks permission to have a conversation, the latter comes across as assuming a conversation will take place.

I also think the impression of rudeness is tied to the use of "may" I was taught that may is more polite and remember being corrected as a child eg. "Can I have that?" / "You mean may I have that". However, the use of 'may' in conversation (and therefore the distinction) seems to be going out of fashion and/ or perhaps sounds overly formal - especially to someone who wants to strike a 'friendly' conversational tone right off the bat.
posted by kitkatcathy at 2:41 PM on March 4, 2009


Yes, this is considered acceptable, because people accept it. There is no "norm." People make and receive phone calls all over the world, and when interacting with people who may not have been raised the same way you were, it's best not to assume ill intent.

(People are soooo rude, AMIRITE?)
posted by decathecting at 2:41 PM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: > "This is Mr. Very Important Business Man, why isn't Mr. So-and-So answering his direct line?" I find that much more impolite (not to mention confusing for both of us) than "Is this Mr. So-and-So's office?"

Oh, yeah, "Why isn't he answering his calls" is horrible.

"Is this his office" is good for places of business.
posted by Listener at 2:43 PM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]


I'm trying to understand why on earth people do this horrible intrusive offensive thing

Because I've called you on your cellphone, you have my number programmed into your phone but haven't answered as though you know who's calling, and I'm phoning you in relation to a work query (which may include personal information you might want to keep confidential). It's not rude, intrusive or offensive - answer the phone saying your name in future ("Hi! Listener speaking") and your problem is solved.
posted by goo at 2:45 PM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]


Best answer: I only say "Hi, is this ____?" when I get someone I'm not expecting. As in, I call Jacob's cell phone, which he has previously answered 100% of the time, and instead I get Ron. As I'm typing this, I realize what I should say is "Is Jacob there?" or "May I please speak with Jacob?", but in the heat of the moment I think, "is this Jacob" is the fastest substitute my brain has for "Hey, Jacob, it's dpx.mfx....."

I think that in the situation where it's a professional not personal phone call, "Hi, is this ____" is strange and awkward.
posted by dpx.mfx at 2:47 PM on March 4, 2009


As dersins implies, this question is a bit RantFilter... amirite? But to give you an answer, one reason callers may do this is because they don't know who has answered the phone if you don't identify yourself first. If they're phoning you at work, it could be a colleague; if they're phoning you at home, it could be a family member. If you confirm that it is you, they then say who they are. So while you perceive it as rude it is not necessarily meant with any lack of politeness.
posted by greycap at 2:48 PM on March 4, 2009 [2 favorites]


on a first name basis, yet!

Hmmm... this is what makes me think that there is a difference in perception. I actually hate being addressed by my last name, because it creates this sense of formality and distance that I consider unnecessary. When someone addresses me by my last name, it's like they're saying "I don't know who you are and I don't wish to know." This may be shaped by the fact that the people who address me by Ms. Lastname are overwhelmingly telemarketers and customer service reps at utility companies. I imagine the general shift away from using titles and last names is a part of my perception.

I say "Is this Sue?" sometimes, if I am fairly certain the number I am calling is Sue's direct line. If it's more likely to be a switchboard, I'll say "May I speak to Sue?" I will give my name if asked. Reason being, it's not necessary for me to say "Hi, my name is Metroid Baby and I've come for Sue's soul" because that's a matter between Sue and I, and it wastes the listener's time if the listener is not Sue.

On the other hand, I do get taken aback when someone I don't know calls my private non-work line and asks "Is this Metroid Baby?" I usually reply with "Can I ask who's calling?" and, if it's someone I don't want to talk to, I say "she's not available right now." Which isn't exactly nice, but there you go.

(Possibly relevant: I am in my twenties, raised in the southeastern US, currently a big-city dweller, and have about four years of experience in jobs where answering the telephone was one of the main duties.)
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:49 PM on March 4, 2009


I think it's rude in most cases, but I also think there are exceptions, particularly when privacy is important, where it's acceptable for the caller to ask first. "This is Dr. X's office calling, may I speak to Y?" is inappropriate; Y may not want his housemates/family to even know that he's seeing Dr. X. Especially if Dr. X is a specialist of some sort. A prospective employer might be another case where privacy is required, if the phone number you gave out is your work phone number, and you don't want your current employer to know that you're job-hunting.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 2:50 PM on March 4, 2009


Just to offer another counterpoint, many callers may not wish to identify themselves for reasons of confidentiality. Say for example, the job agency calls you and it isn't you that answers the phone, the person who does answer the phone will now know that you are looking for a new job, you may not have wanted that person to know.

My credit card company used to ring my parents (that was the number I gave them) when I was at university, they identified themselves and got my parents all kinds of worried when in fact I wasn't in any financial trouble, they just wanted to sell me payment protection (for which I wasn't even elligble for ...grr)
posted by missmagenta at 2:52 PM on March 4, 2009


Best answer: I think the term "business context" is very applicable here.

I believe the underlying issue is that for most people, the introduction of telephone etiquette begins at an early age. At that time (and I'm conjecturing), the telephone is mainly used on a personal level; you're calling your relatives, your best friend, your childhood crush. Or, you're receiving calls from your relatives, and most of the time your aunts and uncles first start with, "Is this so-and-so?" particularly in the case of multi-child households.

Anecdotal, I experienced this growing up (I have siblings). Every call to the household from someone who knew the family would start with finding out who I was, then proceed to ask for the right recipient. I sometimes do that when I call my relatives, even if I recognize the voice on the other end, "Hi, is this [uncle]? This is [me]."

I think I do this because when I was younger, I had a terrible time recognizing voices over the phone, and even though I'm calling my aunt because my mom told me to, out of embarrassment I ask, "Is this [aunt]?" Chalk it up to a lack of confidence growing up, I suppose.

Also, looking back, I think the fact that eventually, the men in my household all started to sound the same. I remember actually "taking a message" for my brother because his friend called and proceeded to tell me what time they were coming by to pick him up. I didn't get a chance to correct the guy and felt bad that he'd have to repeat himself.

Regardless, it's just a hypothesis about why people feel the need to start with figuring out who they called. I don't think it has a place is a more formal business environment, particularly when the call is regarding the business itself, but sometimes it's hard to break old habits.
posted by CancerMan at 2:57 PM on March 4, 2009


Personally, I'm glad people do this, because my home phone apparently belonged to Ms. Popular and my cell phone to the Spanish version of Ms. Popular.

"Hi, is this [Ms. Popular]?" "No, sorry" is a lot quicker than "Hi, this is so-and-so calling about blah-blah for Ms. such-and-such, may I speak with her?" when NO, FOR THE THOUSANDTH TIME, THIS IS NOT HER NUMBER.
posted by desjardins at 2:58 PM on March 4, 2009


Best answer: Change the way you answer your phone. Instead of saying "hello?" say "Hi! Who is calling please?" or "Hi! May I ask who is calling please?"
posted by brenton at 2:59 PM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]


I don't think it's always appropriate to give alllll possible details. I sometimes receive phone calls from people who rattle off "Hello this is Cranberry Monger at Meta Filter's office on behalf of with Lawyer, Lawyer, Lawyer and Lawyer; may I please speak with Firstname Lastname?" and because they've said it so many times, it blends into one giant word.
posted by cranberrymonger at 2:59 PM on March 4, 2009


Response by poster: >As dersins implies, this question is a bit RantFilter... amirite?

No. I think the question was unclear to some people.

> If they're phoning you at work, it could be a colleague; if they're phoning you at home, it could be a family member. If you confirm that it is you, they then say who they are. So while you perceive it as rude it is not necessarily meant with any lack of politeness.

I'm talking about people I do not know, calling me at home. Not people calling a place of business, and not friends calling.
posted by Listener at 3:00 PM on March 4, 2009


In the age of Caller ID, the caller assumes that you recognize their name or number and do not need them to tell you who they are. They assume this because you have answered the phone rather than letting the call go to voicemail. If they get your voicemail, they identify themselves at that point.
posted by kindall at 3:01 PM on March 4, 2009


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