Whip me, spank me, call me names....

March 3, 2009 5:49 AM

How can a shy girl explore her new interest in BDSM in San Francisco? I know, this should be ridiculously easy....

I am a shy, 25 year old female without a lot of dating/relationship experience. Over the past few years, I have become more and more aware that I am into BDSM and am ready to start experimenting with other people. I live just outside of San Francisco, so I feel like this should be ridiculously easy to explore but I just can't seem to get started.

I am not in a relationship so it's not like I can ask my partner to spank me/tie me up/make me a slave/whatever. None of my friends are involved in the kink scene (that I know of) so I can't ask them. I'm too shy to attend a munch (me+a bunch of people that I don't know=too much anxiety). Craigslist is a maybe, but again with the shyness and the uncertainty when meeting strangers. A further complication is the fact that I identify as a lesbian, but most of my fantasies revolve around submitting to a man. I'm not used to the whole boy/girl relationship dynamic which would make me even more anxious in the actual situation. Should I go to a professional? If so, where do I find legit pro-doms/dommes in the SF/Oakland/Berkeley area? Googling is turning up lots of shady looking pros. Is there a well known pro in the area that is generally recommended as "the best?"

posted by anonymous to human relations (8 comments total)

Although I'm not very familiar with the San Fran 'scene' as it were, I can make a good recommendation of a site with a LOT of like-minded folk which is very well set up and has tons of community members in, well, tons of communities. Fetlife.com -
. They have a VERY GOOD community vibe there and people are easy to talk to.

As far as munches go - I was the same way when I went to my first one (in Tampa, FL) - however, the people were ridiculously inviting and I felt comfortable within minutes. A 'professional' might not be a bad idea for your first experience but be careful - because a lot of them are just chicks out for a quick buck, and have little to no knowledge of the actual scene, unfortunately.

If I can help you further, me-fi mail me and I'll try to steer you to the right resources. Good luck and be careful - remember, if you're not having fun, what's the point?
posted by darknemus at 6:16 AM on March 3, 2009

Find a virtual partner first - it's easier to approach someone on IM or skype than IRL, and it's a way to get to know them before committing to any sort of relationship.

You can see if your BDSM interests match up, and chatting with them in general will let you know if they're worth knowing outside the dungeon. Once you find someone you're interested in and comfortable with, you can arrange a "play date."

I would imagine there are no shortage of potential partners in your area to be found online through the usual sources (Yahoo360, myspace, "special interest" web forums, etc, etc.)

(This is how my SO found me - tho her interests are a bit more esoteric.)
posted by Slap*Happy at 6:17 AM on March 3, 2009

FetLife.
posted by arimathea at 6:21 AM on March 3, 2009

Yet another online suggestion — these days, most munches seem to have a pretty active mailing list associated with them. It's not at all uncommon for someone to join the group by (1) lurking on the mailing list, (2) participating on the mailing list, (3) showing up in person to meet all the cool new email buddies they've made.

I'll admit I'm biased against totally anonymous online kink spaces — in my experience, they tend to fill up with bullshit and assholery pretty quickly. But I'd say a chat list associated with a group that does meet in person is a better bet. First off, the other members will know and be able to vouch for each other. And second off, it'll give you a RL community to graduate to when you're ready.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:46 AM on March 3, 2009

nthing the online experience - Fetlife, IM, IRC - with a move to safe, sane, and consensual real-time experiences when you are ready. Online has its drawbacks, disadvantages and dangers, but the communities there would appear custom-built for you: they allow you to explore your thoughts and fantasies in a safe, relatively anonymous, and generally supportive atmosphere, find people nearby of like interest, and get through the icebreaker stage without engaging any face-to-face social awkwardness.

In the very rough schema of these things, I think you're at stage two-and-a-half of D/s self-acceptance and awareness (this isn't a diagnostic or formal system by any means, just something I use as an ersatz guide).

Stage 1: "I'm sick / bad for wanting what I want, and different from everyone else."
Stage 2: "Oh! Other people are like me. But they're kind of skeezy and sketchy."
Stage 3: "Okay, not all of them are sketchy." (You've typically had a couple of scenes by now. If you're lucky, and judged well, some of them are goooooood.)
Stage 4: "What I want is okay, and I've found a way to integrate it into my life , and good people who care for me and accept me for everything that I am."

The other posters are giving excellent suggestions, and there are lots of resources out there. Go forth and explore. Take pride in who you are. And feel free to contact me by anonymous mail if there's something you feel I've left out.
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 7:45 AM on March 3, 2009

I know in the UK there are a couple of 'dating' services for BDSM people - InformedConsent and CollarMe. I was talking to a friend who is that way inclined and she said that it cuts out a lot of the hassle or potential disappointment that can come with meeting a new partner who may not share your kink. I'm not at all experienced in this area but I think disclosure (shyness, inexperience, sexuality) would be a good idea, and keep your wits about you so you don't get any people who claim to be doms but don't know how to behave.
posted by mippy at 8:08 AM on March 3, 2009

If you post a Craigslist ad under "shared activities" - "BDSM newby wants to go to her first munch with someone she knows, and would like to meet ahead of it" - could easily get things moving.

The Society of Janus (can't google the site at work, it's easy to find) introductory class is safe and fun. While I am not exactly wild about SoJ as a "base" they do have excellent outreach and they know very well how to put new people at ease. They have a calendar, as does the Citadel, which could very easily have an event that you'd want to go to anyway - at which it's much easier to meet BDSM people.
posted by jet_silver at 8:56 AM on March 3, 2009

Seconding the Citadel...
posted by Arthur Dent at 4:15 PM on March 3, 2009