"I never would have gotten through it without the support of friends and family." Wait, what friends and family?

March 3, 2009 5:47 AM

How can I trust people again? (Lengthy, can also be characterized as "whiny".)

It's like there's this horrible clear shell around me. I see other people, I desperately want to connect with them again, I desperately want to feel a sense of connection to the world-at-large, I cannot do it. I can't believe in something bigger, I can't believe in something better than all of this no matter how hard I try...

It is three years ago and I am working with an organization that has started taking a serious toll on my mental health...I eventually quit, but it is a little too late for me not to remain affected.

I have expended huge amounts of passion and energy into my job and my life, but the people I have tried so hard to work for and the friends I have tried so hard to be there for totally are not there for me back. At this point I feel totally used. I basically feel like I've been parasitically drained and that anyone will take advantage of you given half a chance.

I try to turn to anyone and everyone I can because I think I have a support system but all of a sudden, it's as if no one gives a shit. And by no one, I mean no one. I try to reach out to family, to friends, to colleagues, to mentors, even to supervisors, to anyone in my damn community...

Basically, everyone, any group of people you can name that I think I can count on leaves me hanging. Their basic response is: "Yeah yeah whatever we've all got problems."

I have never felt myself to be defined by the people around me, but this lack of support leaves me utterly shocked. Basically I feel like the world has dropped away from under my feet at this point. Like the entire world has abandoned/left me. I mean shit, if even the people WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO LOVE YOU CAN'T BE THERE FOR YOU, what kind of shitbag must you be? (And who are you anymore if your friends and family won't acknowledge you?)

I start going crazy, because I feel like I have all this stuff going on inside my head, and if no one's helping me out with it, I must be imagining it because GODDAMNIT SUCK IT UP ALREADY.

Sucking it up is not doable. I try to hurt myself. I am dragged to a mental hospital. It has been up and down since.


Like I said, it's been three years by now. I learned to deal with some glaring issues (all that stuff in bold, for example, is the stuff that keeps circling around in my head, and I'm sure you can armchair some stuff of your own). I learned how to talk to a counselor (I trust her, yes). I learned how to take medication (Wellbutrin and Seroquel and yes, I'm fine with it -- for now). I have ended a horrible codependent 2 1/2 year relationship with someone, the kind I never would've imagined myself getting into back when I was healthier. I have gone back to school. Even though it sounds unlikely, I'm actually in a much better spot than I was those years back. I should be getting out of this right?

I have not tried to talk to anyone in my classes. I have made no friends this semester. I barely look anyone in the eye.

I don't like to be like this. It is not me. I used to be an activist for chrissake. I am shit-scared of everyone, I HATE being scared, I feel like a bitter, shrivelled-up old lady (I am 26/f), I think every human relationship I have is going to fail, I think everyone is going to leave me hanging again, I feel everyone is just going to betray me, I have walked away from anyone who has tried to befriend me ever since then, I have walked away from everybody I used to know, I just cannot bring myself to be close to people, I find any kind of reason to cut them off and out of my life, I purposely try to alienate people as hard as I can to get them out of my life and have gotten horribly good at it, I can't bring myself to trust the people who now say they're there for me, I don't answer the phone, I don't even go out anymore, I have become ridiculously paranoid and dread any kind of human interaction that's more than cursory...I hate myself because I feel shitty and low for feeling rejected, I hate everyone else with a furious passion because I feel rejected.

I can't live like this anymore. I don't want to believe people are bad...but I can't stop myself. Help. Why can't I break out of this shell?

*For the past couple of days I've been meditating on the "outer reality is a reflection of your inner reality/you hate others because you hate yourself" thing. Maybe this is true. I don't know. If it is, how can I forgive myself? What am I supposed to forgive myself of?

**If you even made it this far, seriously, thanks.

posted by anonymous to human relations (13 comments total)

Therapy... you have a lot of issues to work out. Not being flippant, but this is way too much for internet strangers to handle.
posted by mpls2 at 5:55 AM on March 3 [1 favorite has favorites]

A few offhand thoughts:

Trust takes time to build--give it awhile. If your judgment of people has been off in the past, it's not unreasonable for you to move a bit more slowly with your relationships. That can keep you from doing things like spilling your darkest secrets to the woman who turns out to be the town gossip, etc.

The firmer boundaries you have, and the more self-esteem you build, the less you will attract the kind of people who will try to rob you blind emotionally. Sick people who know you need approval will smell that on you like chum in the water. The less you need people to validate you, the more manipulation- and drama-proof you will be. Likewise, if a huge part of your identity is, "I am valuable because of all I do for people", cut it out immediately....this attracts people who think that, well, your only value is whatever you can do for them, and when you finally draw a boundary, even the most basic kind, you may find yourself lashed out against.

Stop running away from healthy people, once you've determined they are healthy. Your fear of rejection (or that there is something terrible about you) may be what was locking you into accepting unacceptable behavior in the first place instead of moving on.
posted by availablelight at 6:02 AM on March 3

P.S. And a warning-- don't be so flip and comfortable about the fact that you push people away, alienate them, don't answer the phone, etc. However legitimate the fear is behind this, however sad your past experience was, here's the reality:

tell people to go away for long enough, and they eventually will listen to you and do what you ask.
posted by availablelight at 6:04 AM on March 3 [3 favorites has favorites]

I would suggest
1. keep seeing your mental health professional and switch if you don't feel yours is working any more
2. I have had similar issues in the past and the best thing for me was work therapy. Volunteer to do something that is not people-focused. Volunteering at a local farm or nature reserve. The work is comforting on a very basic level and can help reconnect you to your basic humanity. I had to force myself to do this, but I've never regretted it. I love planting and harvesting things and that love connects me to others who care about the same. It's something to try....
posted by melissam at 6:06 AM on March 3 [2 favorites has favorites]

Seconding mpls2 -- it sounds like you're really desperate, and should go see someone (your therapist? the counselor at your school?) to talk you down a bit. Seriously, it sounds like you're kind of standing on the edge right now, and you need to get some help.

Two things: Is this panic talking or stress? If you're in school, you've probably got a hectic workload and a bunch of classes and too much work to do in a day. If that's the case -- stop. Stop working for a bit -- and definitely stop meditating on this issue! Take a day (or maybe a week) off classes, and go somewhere else to get yourself back together. (maybe home? maybe just for a walk?) But carve out some time where you *don't* have to be constantly interacting with people, and make it time for YOU. There's a lot of self-loathing in this post, and it sounds like you could really use a break to just focus on you. If that's possible -- if it's something that doesn't just feel exhausting -- then TAKE A BREAK -- and make it a priority to get out of your head for a little bit.

In the meantime: One thing I've started doing, when I get that "fuck I can't talk to anyone and don't recognize any of my friends" feeling is to go to a public place and just sit quietly for a little while. Usually, it's the cafe across the street -- someplace cozy and familiar, where I can sit and listen to strangers interact, and where I can have really basic, non-confrontational conversation with others if I want, but where I don't have to participate. What I hear, mostly, are conversations that *don't* always go well -- where people misunderstand or mishear each other, or have awkward silences. Listening to other people talk -- especially strangers -- can be incredibly reassuring to remind you that there are real people out there, and that it's not just you in a bubble.

Good luck. memail if you want to talk.
posted by puckish at 6:16 AM on March 3 [2 favorites has favorites]

I was in such a phase once but not half as severe. For what its worth, I think key is you need to give yourself time. Things are not going to change tomorrow, or next week or next month. So take the pressure off. Accept it if something inside you does not want a friendship right now. Develop some interests, spend some time on hobbies, try to live your own life for a while. Establish a meaningful bond with yourself first. Only then turn to the project of establishing meaningful bonds with others.

Things will start to move again if you try less.

PS: Forgiving yourself? I think it would be enormously healthy if you could forgave those people who rejected you.
posted by marc34482 at 7:19 AM on March 3 [1 favorite has favorites]

Hey there. I can relate to the not-trusting people part of your post, and the not-making-friends-at-school part as well. I've been working on some really similar things recently, because it's a big problem for me.

Something that has helped me, and that might be available to you, is an interpersonal therapy group (or any kind of group counseling, but IPT should specifically address your concerns.) They run groups through my school, and that is where I am currently attending my group, but any therapist should be able to hook you up with a community one if needed. The interpersonal therapy part is not only helpful (because it focuses on helping you build social skills and communicate with people), but the group format is especially helpful because it brings you face-to-face with people you would normally not communicate with, and you find common ground with them, even though you have a million differences, and you start to think to yourself, "Hmmm, maybe the people in the world are not so bad as I thought."

As far as your earlier problems go, I don't want to "blame the victim" at all, because it really does sound like you were ill-used. But, seriously, if your family were not there to support you, it makes me wonder if your family has a lack of communication that is dysfunctional, and perhaps even though it may not have been explicitly obvious to you until your big crisis, it might have been an underlying pattern that then led you to choose friendships and whatnot that would similarly let you down during a hard time. There is something to be said for the theory that we return to what is familiar to us, even if it is unhealthy, and we tend to repeat patterns.

Last thing -- you sound like you're being very hard on yourself. From what you say here, you've made a lot of progress from the point you were at three years ago. But if the situation was as traumatic to you as it sounds like it was, then you cannot expect everything will just go back to the way it was before, even after a few years. You are making progress, even though it might not be as fast as you'd like it to be. Therefore, don't beat yourself up, tell yourself you "should" be over it by now, or hold yourself to some arbitrary standard. DO keep working on it, and try a few more strategies to work on the remaining issues.

Good luck.
posted by peggynature at 7:20 AM on March 3

Therapy.

Also, from some of the things you mentioned in your post, I can tell you that one of the things you're going to need to develop is a thick skin. Also, repeat Hanlon's razor to yourself whenever necessary: Do not attribute to malice what can be attributed to incompetence. Do not attribute to these other people the power they do not have.

Don't drive people away on grounds of them not wanting to be there for you when you need it unless you have conclusive proof of them NOT wanting to be there for you. Learn to keep your emotions in check and keep them from overwhelming your rationality.

I'm a fellow college student; I'm also a science major, and the people I know on campus are also science majors. We have busy schedules. They might run into circumstantial problems. Also, remember friendships go both ways: sometimes, you're going to feel like you're doing most of the work, but sometimes that has to happen for a while. Note I said it has to happen for a while, not all the time.

You're going to have to learn to approach people and be friendly if you want to make friendships. It might be difficult for you right now, but that's how it's done. Don't press yourself to make eye contact, necessarily, if that's something you've ALWAYS had a hard time with - I'm not huge on eye contact myself because it helps me think a little better about what I'm saying, but I remember to make eye contact occasionally throughout a conversation. But set a goal for yourself this week - 'when in conversation with someone, I will make eye contact with them, briefly, three times.'

And the outer reality is a reflection of your inner reality is true to a certain extent, but not completely, and it is entirely possible to feel contempt for others without feeling contempt for yourself. The main thing to keep in mind here is to make sure your rationality is in control and your emotions are under control. Learn to make space for yourself if necessary. Take time to think about shit.
posted by kldickson at 7:47 AM on March 3 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'm glad you are seeing a therapist, and that you've made some big steps. I think you've done a lot more than you are maybe crediting yourself with doing.

This is tough, because people react differently, and even the same people react differently from one time to another. And I can't say for sure that you *can* trust the people who say they are there for you now, but I think it means something that you have them in your life. Can you move towards being cautiously open to trusting them? Let them in just a little bit, even one at a time. Try returning one call that you wouldn't have returned before, go out to lunch with one person you might have otherwise avoided. Start small and build up to where you want to be.

No, it is not easy, and you may have to push yourself sometimes. But it sounds like you really want to do it. I don't mean to make it sound like "suck it up", because I think it's okay to acknowledge that it's difficult and sometimes painful, but to some degree you have to take the leap of faith on this one.

You're not happy now, and maybe you won't be happy right away if you start opening up a little. At some point, someone will hurt you again, just because I think that we get hurt sometimes even if it wasn't intentional. But if you don't let yourself have relationships, you miss out on the chance to balance that with people who won't hurt you. And those people *are* out there.

And I don't think you're fair to yourself - interpersonal relationships have tons of factors, and *you* (as in who you are, you as a person) are just part of the equation. You could have the most failed relationships of the whole world and that does not a+b= c mean you are a shitty person or not worth it.

As part of the process, I think you should focus on remembering the good things about you, and really become comfortable with yourself. No, I can't say exactly how to do that. But I think you can start by forgiving yourself and letting the past be part of what made you who you are, but not the determiner of how you make your future.

Your past has the power over you now that you let it have - I know that sounds easy to say and kind of bullshitty, but I think it's true, for all of us. Give yourself permission to start again, and permission to stumble along the way if you need to.
posted by KAS at 8:49 AM on March 3

I can go on and on, but I will keep this short and simple. You are not alone. Many people out there have encountered or are encountering the same thing you are encountering at this very moment. Really important to keep that in mind, since its easy to feel alone. The world can be an ugly place. But its not all that way. Some people can be selfish SOB's while many others, can be warm, loving and caring. You just have to learn how to search these people out. Sometimes its just about developing street smarts and instinct. You are already mile ahead of many others simply due to the fact that you are talking to a therapist and communicating openly. Many people internalize to the point that they explode. You are demonstrating the desire to improve and you should pat yourself on the back for that. Last, but not least, you will never get better if you always rely on others to help you. The therapist will give you the tools, but you need to learn how to break these negative habits on your own. Its your life, take control.
posted by scarello at 10:10 AM on March 3

Your situation sounds remarkably similar to that of someone with whom I once had a relationship. I'm going to try to answer your question without projecting her personality onto you, because similarity of circumstances aside, it's entirely possible (or even likely) that you have a wildly different personality from her.

You mentioned that you're in therapy. This is a good step, and I recommend that you continue with it, because I've seen it work wonders.

You're going to need to come to terms with the fact that someone's reaction to you doesn't necessarily reflect on your value as a person, or the value of the people around you. I've had to walk away or distance myself from some of the smartest, most kind-hearted, passionate, sincere people that I've ever known, people that I've loved, due to the effect that we were having on one another. I don't think that makes them worthless, and I don't think that it makes me a bad person. Eventually I just came to realize that these people were having a detrimental effect on me, and I was having a detrimental effect on them, even though both parties likely felt that we were doing everything within reason (and quite a bit beyond that) to make things work.

Once I came to the realization that I was doing no one any favors by trying to keep a toxic situation on life support, the realization that I had a lot of options in finding a healthier situation came quickly. Understand that the world is full of people. It's full beyond capacity; we have a surplus of human beings living on this planet, and the communications systems that we have in place to let those people know that about us have never been better. If your social circle is letting you down, if your family is distant and unhelpful, if your ex was a problem and your job was a soul-crushing nightmare, the good news is that there are (and always will be) a world of other options available to you. Prune away the parts of your life that are hurting or draining you, and find a group of people that will give you strength and hope.

The best way to attract the attention of people who are genuinely interested in you is not to specifically seek them out. People come to you when you focus on making yourself incredible and not hiding it. If you have a hobby, share it. Do what you love, passionately and well, and people will notice that you've got something worth noticing in your life. I believe that people are generally selfish (this is not an endorsement of selfishness, just an observation of human behavior), so they're most likely to form communities with people that they want to emulate. Pursue your bliss, and celebrate your life; it will draw the attention of people who will want to experience the same. On the other hand, very few people capable of forming healthy relationships will seek to form one with someone who is in a constant state of self-loathing or crisis.

My life is better than it has any right to be, because I've taken steps to focus on doing the things that inspire me (something I wouldn't have thought myself capable of doing not terribly long ago), and this has caused people to take notice and want to be a part of my life. I have a job for which I didn't meet the hiring qualifications, an amazing partner who is probably too good for me (I'm not a very good boyfriend, historically, but I'm finding that I'm much better at it now that I've learned to love myself) and a constantly-widening pool of friends who want to be a part of my life. I think that The Secret is a load of bullshit, but I have to acknowledge that the first step in finding people that love me was learning to love myself.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 10:14 AM on March 3 [9 favorites has favorites]

Hey there:

I feel like I'm probably repeating what a lot of other people have already written, but maybe something I'll have to say will hit you a little differently than what other people have written.

Let me start by saying that what you'd written here definitely resonated with me in a lot of ways. A lot of the things about wanting to connect to the people you see around you and having a lot of trouble doing so. I feel the EXACT same way, all the time - but it used to be a lot worse.

I'm glad to see that you're in therapy. Therapy has done WONDERS for me. I started therapy about 2 years ago, and it's helped me so much. It's helped me understand the flaws in my thought processes that caused me to be as miserable as I was - that alone has made a huge difference in my life.

I've also talked to the therapist about my problems making friends. Some people just naturally make friends easily; others of us need to learn more explicitly how to do it. I fall in the latter category, so I see people around me that I want to make friends with, but I have a lot of anxiety about it. Talking to the therapist about the whole process of making friendships has again helped me to see some of the flaws in my expectations for myself in making friends, and has helped me be a little easier on myself as a result.

So you can see a pretty consistent theme here. I think therapy will definitely help you to overcome some if not all of the issues you're talking about, but it takes time. I've been in therapy for 2 years now, and I still have issues I haven't quite resolved. I've made a lot of progress, to be sure, and at the beginning, therapy was more about just having some sort of support system (I used to see my therapist 2 times a week). But I definitely think therapy will be the solution to my issues, and hopefully will be the solution to yours as well.

Feel free to private message me if you have any questions.
posted by Ephilation at 6:42 PM on March 4

I wonder how much of this was due to communication issues:

1. You might not have made it clear enough how important this was to you- a lot of people have issues with their jobs, and it might have sounded just like normal problems to them.

2. Ditto with communication with friends and family- it sounds like some side of these relationships was unequal, perhaps you considered them better friends than they considered you.

Whatever happened though, I think you should keep in mind that there's nothing wrong with you- the old adage about once burned, twice shy comes to mind. You reached out for support that wasn't there, and now you feel hesitant to form new friendships and relationships for fear of being hurt again. I think anyone would feel the same way in your situation.

Slowly try and begin to trust people again- but take it slow, don't force yourself- you're still recovering.
posted by tachikoma_robot at 7:45 PM on March 9