Don't want to be forced to choose
March 1, 2009 7:54 PM Subscribe
I'm seeing two people, I just want to keep it fun...how can I keep it like that?
I'm seeing two people right now. Both are great and I'm enjoying their company. I've made it very clear that I'm not looking for a relationship and I'm just out to have fun and to be open. Both understand this but at the same time things have progressed a little with one and some feelings were exchanged. The other one is completely open to seeing other people and I'm totally fine with that.
Basically, I just don't want to be forced to have to choose because I'm not looking to be exclusive at this point in my life. I do know however if I continue seeing these two people, things are going to get deeper.
What can I do to keep things from getting to far but at the same time but keep having fun? Like I said, I've made it clear I don't want anything else in this time of my life.
I'm seeing two people right now. Both are great and I'm enjoying their company. I've made it very clear that I'm not looking for a relationship and I'm just out to have fun and to be open. Both understand this but at the same time things have progressed a little with one and some feelings were exchanged. The other one is completely open to seeing other people and I'm totally fine with that.
Basically, I just don't want to be forced to have to choose because I'm not looking to be exclusive at this point in my life. I do know however if I continue seeing these two people, things are going to get deeper.
What can I do to keep things from getting to far but at the same time but keep having fun? Like I said, I've made it clear I don't want anything else in this time of my life.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- jessamyn
Response by poster: I'm not boasting at all. I just don't want things to stay fun and that's it. They live in different states so I doubt they'll find out about each other
posted by Hands of Manos at 8:02 PM on March 1, 2009
posted by Hands of Manos at 8:02 PM on March 1, 2009
You can't press pause on a relationship. Things change as time goes on, and it's quite likely that eventually someone will get to the point where they want something more, at which point you'll have to choose. Maybe this "someone" will be one of them; maybe it will be you. All you can do is to be open and honest about what you're looking for — and from what you've written, you've done that already — and enjoy what you have while it lasts.
posted by Johnny Assay at 8:02 PM on March 1, 2009
posted by Johnny Assay at 8:02 PM on March 1, 2009
Response by poster: nor do I want things to move too quickly. I'm coming off a divorce and I just want things to progress slowly and find out about people...not get exclusive (that's the last thing I want)
posted by Hands of Manos at 8:04 PM on March 1, 2009
posted by Hands of Manos at 8:04 PM on March 1, 2009
There's a problem with your dream: You're only 1/3 of the equation. If you don't take the other two people's opinions into account you can be 100% sure it won't last very long.
Talk openly with them about what you want. After that it's up to them to decide if you're what they want too.
posted by Ookseer at 8:04 PM on March 1, 2009
Talk openly with them about what you want. After that it's up to them to decide if you're what they want too.
posted by Ookseer at 8:04 PM on March 1, 2009
Response by poster: Thanks Ook, I've been very open to this to both of them...that I want to see other people and not be tied down right now
posted by Hands of Manos at 8:06 PM on March 1, 2009
posted by Hands of Manos at 8:06 PM on March 1, 2009
Best answer: You said you've been open with them both about wanting to see other people, but have you actually been open with both about the fact that you are actually seeing someone else besides each of them?
There's a difference between "oh this guy I'm seeing wants to see someone else" and "this guy I'm seeing is regularly seeing someone else". At least for most people.
"Wants to" implies the possibility it's not happening yet, which, in the wrong case, could be misconstrued as leading someone on by error of omission.
posted by cmgonzalez at 8:09 PM on March 1, 2009 [2 favorites]
There's a difference between "oh this guy I'm seeing wants to see someone else" and "this guy I'm seeing is regularly seeing someone else". At least for most people.
"Wants to" implies the possibility it's not happening yet, which, in the wrong case, could be misconstrued as leading someone on by error of omission.
posted by cmgonzalez at 8:09 PM on March 1, 2009 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: cmg,
I'd not thought about that. That's a good point.
posted by Hands of Manos at 8:10 PM on March 1, 2009
I'd not thought about that. That's a good point.
posted by Hands of Manos at 8:10 PM on March 1, 2009
Best answer: This is about karma. The more ripples we create, the more waves crash against us. You'll have to avoid lying if asked directly, Don't break dates with one to meet with anothern and don't make any promises you can't keep. Since all things are impermanent, don't hang on tightly to the idea that this will last forever. When it changes, do not struggle against it and do crazy things to try and keep it going.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:12 PM on March 1, 2009
posted by Ironmouth at 8:12 PM on March 1, 2009
Don't send mixed signals. And while you don't need to get into the gory details, you do need to be honest about the fact you are seeing multiple people.
Also, ask yourself what you want because it's not entirely clear from what you've written. There's a difference between allowing things to "progress slowly" and telling someone that you don't want a relationship with them.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 8:13 PM on March 1, 2009
Also, ask yourself what you want because it's not entirely clear from what you've written. There's a difference between allowing things to "progress slowly" and telling someone that you don't want a relationship with them.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 8:13 PM on March 1, 2009
There are two schools of thought in dating (which we assume means humping) multiple people: 1.) be completely honest and open. That means saying, "Why yes, I am seeing other people and having sex with them." Or 2.) be aloof or outright lie if you have to.
Both paths often have uneven results.
Fact is, all you can do is control your own emotions and expectations. If you don't over commit and if you rebuff attempts by these other people to commit, then you've put the onus upon them on whether they are willing to continue to date you on your own terms.
Mostly this doesn't work out simply because many people are looking for semi-committed, "I don't care what we are as long as you aren't fucking other people," type relationships. So in most cases many people will opt out of such an arrangement.
Anyway, it sounds like you've done a poor job so far of maintaining emotional distance (you mention "some feelings were exchanged") and I can guess it will only be a matter of time before one or both of these other people tell you to fuck off.
Dating multiple people at the same time is hard to do if you or the people you're dating have even a modicum of depth.
posted by wfrgms at 8:14 PM on March 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
Both paths often have uneven results.
Fact is, all you can do is control your own emotions and expectations. If you don't over commit and if you rebuff attempts by these other people to commit, then you've put the onus upon them on whether they are willing to continue to date you on your own terms.
Mostly this doesn't work out simply because many people are looking for semi-committed, "I don't care what we are as long as you aren't fucking other people," type relationships. So in most cases many people will opt out of such an arrangement.
Anyway, it sounds like you've done a poor job so far of maintaining emotional distance (you mention "some feelings were exchanged") and I can guess it will only be a matter of time before one or both of these other people tell you to fuck off.
Dating multiple people at the same time is hard to do if you or the people you're dating have even a modicum of depth.
posted by wfrgms at 8:14 PM on March 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
I do know however if I continue seeing these two people, things are going to get deeper.
Well, then stop seeing these people. If you are interested in seeing multiple people, then you need to find people to see who are OK with that. It sounds like you have found one, but that the other person you are with is maybe not. You say that you don't want to have to choose, but you are going to have to. Not between these two people, but between this person who is developing feelings for you and your lifestyle. If this person is worth spending time with, then you need to be upfront with them about ways you can compromise on the exclusivity thing.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:14 PM on March 1, 2009
Well, then stop seeing these people. If you are interested in seeing multiple people, then you need to find people to see who are OK with that. It sounds like you have found one, but that the other person you are with is maybe not. You say that you don't want to have to choose, but you are going to have to. Not between these two people, but between this person who is developing feelings for you and your lifestyle. If this person is worth spending time with, then you need to be upfront with them about ways you can compromise on the exclusivity thing.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:14 PM on March 1, 2009
Response by poster: mandymanwasregistered,
I've never been in this position before. It just kind of happened. The one where the feelings were exchanged, I backed off pretty quick and said "hey whoa, lets just go light." But there were feelings exchanged. Like I said, I just don't want a relationship and be free to do what I want to do.
posted by Hands of Manos at 8:18 PM on March 1, 2009
I've never been in this position before. It just kind of happened. The one where the feelings were exchanged, I backed off pretty quick and said "hey whoa, lets just go light." But there were feelings exchanged. Like I said, I just don't want a relationship and be free to do what I want to do.
posted by Hands of Manos at 8:18 PM on March 1, 2009
Oh, I wanted to add something. This notion of "seeing" multiple people seems somehow old-fashioned to me. These days (and even in my dating days over 10 years ago) people simply didn't date multiple people and then eventually choose one to "go steady" with. Today we typically take care of the getting to know people part through friendship (even with members of the opposite sex). Like wfrgms, I assume "seeing" means "fucking" and if that is the case, there is really no solution other than being absolutely ruthless about only fucking people who are OK with you fucking other people.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:19 PM on March 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Rock Steady at 8:19 PM on March 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: actually no fucking going on at all. Just the one started to go that way and I backed off. If I'm going to be intimate with someone, I'm going to be exclusive with them.
posted by Hands of Manos at 8:22 PM on March 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Hands of Manos at 8:22 PM on March 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Rock Steady, it's all been light dating (dinner, movies, parties, etc)
posted by Hands of Manos at 8:23 PM on March 1, 2009
posted by Hands of Manos at 8:23 PM on March 1, 2009
Schedule a dinner date with them at the same fancy restaurant at the same time, then hop between tables on a stream of more and more implausible excuses ("Um, excuse me, babe, I need to go powder my, uh, hair"). That should be loads of fun.
Or just be honest with them about your other relationships and work things out openly from there.
posted by Rhaomi at 8:31 PM on March 1, 2009
Or just be honest with them about your other relationships and work things out openly from there.
posted by Rhaomi at 8:31 PM on March 1, 2009
Response by poster: Rhaomi, that's all I need...more drama. But like I said, no intimacy has gone on, I just want it to stay like that and date other people. Sorry, poor choice of words..."seeing" to me means "going out on dates"
posted by Hands of Manos at 8:36 PM on March 1, 2009
posted by Hands of Manos at 8:36 PM on March 1, 2009
Hands of Manos, I see by your askme history that you're married. To put it mildly, this complicates the question you're asking. Are you married to either of the people you're talking about?
You need to be very clear with your wife about guidelines to any romantic relationships you have outside yours, and you need to be clear with those people that you are married.
I think you also need to sit down and have a think about your expectations of relationships in general.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 8:45 PM on March 1, 2009
You need to be very clear with your wife about guidelines to any romantic relationships you have outside yours, and you need to be clear with those people that you are married.
I think you also need to sit down and have a think about your expectations of relationships in general.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 8:45 PM on March 1, 2009
I have lived most of my life seeing more than one person at a time. The key to success, happiness and low stress for all parties is to make sure they all know that this is happening.
The only problems come from misunderstanding. So make double-damn certain that everyone involved knows that they are not exclusive. That's a horrible assumption for them to make, yes, but don't make it easy for them to misunderstand!
posted by rokusan at 8:50 PM on March 1, 2009
The only problems come from misunderstanding. So make double-damn certain that everyone involved knows that they are not exclusive. That's a horrible assumption for them to make, yes, but don't make it easy for them to misunderstand!
posted by rokusan at 8:50 PM on March 1, 2009
This part of your comment is troubling: "They live in different states so I doubt they'll find out about each other"
The way you've phrased it suggests you know you're not being completely honest with one of them. Often, people drop hints or use vague phrases to avoid having to say something that might not be what the other person wants to hear. It's easier to say "I want to be able to see other people" rather than "I am seeing someone else." If being completely honest with them means losing one of them, then maybe that's for the best - unless you'd rather be the guy who is a lying, cheating scumbag. I doubt you're that guy, right? Right.
So, the answer your original question is: Be Completely Honest With Them.
posted by 2oh1 at 8:51 PM on March 1, 2009
The way you've phrased it suggests you know you're not being completely honest with one of them. Often, people drop hints or use vague phrases to avoid having to say something that might not be what the other person wants to hear. It's easier to say "I want to be able to see other people" rather than "I am seeing someone else." If being completely honest with them means losing one of them, then maybe that's for the best - unless you'd rather be the guy who is a lying, cheating scumbag. I doubt you're that guy, right? Right.
So, the answer your original question is: Be Completely Honest With Them.
posted by 2oh1 at 8:51 PM on March 1, 2009
Response by poster: he guy who is a lying, cheating scumbag. I doubt you're that guy, right? Right
No I'm not that guy. I guess I should have reworded this better. I'm going out and dates with them...I've always said "seeing" when I mean that. There's no intimacy going on...it's just that one kind of started to get hot and heavy and I backed off (so did she) because I just want to keep things light.
posted by Hands of Manos at 8:55 PM on March 1, 2009
No I'm not that guy. I guess I should have reworded this better. I'm going out and dates with them...I've always said "seeing" when I mean that. There's no intimacy going on...it's just that one kind of started to get hot and heavy and I backed off (so did she) because I just want to keep things light.
posted by Hands of Manos at 8:55 PM on March 1, 2009
Rhaomi, that's all I need...more drama.
Um, dating two people is likely to create drama. I'd be sure you have worked through all of your divorce issues. When I see drama, I think creation of distraction from big issues
posted by Ironmouth at 8:56 PM on March 1, 2009
Um, dating two people is likely to create drama. I'd be sure you have worked through all of your divorce issues. When I see drama, I think creation of distraction from big issues
posted by Ironmouth at 8:56 PM on March 1, 2009
Response by poster: I've sent you guys all mefi mails. I really reworded this wrong...I mean I'm just going out on dates with these two and I want to keep it light...nothing serious or heavy....I just don't need that drama right now.
posted by Hands of Manos at 9:02 PM on March 1, 2009
posted by Hands of Manos at 9:02 PM on March 1, 2009
I'm not sure why you feel the need to go out on dates, if you don't want anything serious and aren't looking for any in depth, physical interaction. What is anyone getting out of this, if these are the boundaries you and the other two have set? Wouldn't it just be easier to, you know, go out to dinner? As friends.
To me, it sounds like you want friendship at this point in your life, and that both of these girls are meeting that. Since you've made it clear that the dating is, literally, just meeting up and that "there's no intimacy going on..." I don't see why you're forcing yourself into any sort of romantic relationship box.
Heck, maybe all three of you could be friends, if you'd just be honest with what you want and tell them that, too.
posted by metalheart at 9:13 PM on March 1, 2009
To me, it sounds like you want friendship at this point in your life, and that both of these girls are meeting that. Since you've made it clear that the dating is, literally, just meeting up and that "there's no intimacy going on..." I don't see why you're forcing yourself into any sort of romantic relationship box.
Heck, maybe all three of you could be friends, if you'd just be honest with what you want and tell them that, too.
posted by metalheart at 9:13 PM on March 1, 2009
Response by poster: good idea Metalheart...that's what I kind of meant to say originally. I just totally worded it wrong.
posted by Hands of Manos at 9:17 PM on March 1, 2009
posted by Hands of Manos at 9:17 PM on March 1, 2009
If you're not interested in sex or strong romantic feelings, I'd suggest making friends. Female friends, if that's what you'd like, but friends just the same. As long as you're clear from the beginning that things are platonic, many women would like being just friends with a man they enjoy spending time with.
Wait until you're ready to have a relationship (which seems to be, for you, a prerequisite for sex or stronger romantic feelings) before dating.
Off topic, but someone posted in the last couple of months a great chart that showed three factors that determine whether a relationship is love, and what kind of love it is. I think it was on wikipedia. I've been searching for an hour trying to find it, because I think it would shed light on this post.
posted by decathecting at 9:50 PM on March 1, 2009
Wait until you're ready to have a relationship (which seems to be, for you, a prerequisite for sex or stronger romantic feelings) before dating.
Off topic, but someone posted in the last couple of months a great chart that showed three factors that determine whether a relationship is love, and what kind of love it is. I think it was on wikipedia. I've been searching for an hour trying to find it, because I think it would shed light on this post.
posted by decathecting at 9:50 PM on March 1, 2009
Response by poster: decathecting,
I think that's a good idea and may go that route. I'd rather just "get to know them better" before I commit to anything. But as I said, the other night one went a little further than that and it kind of freaked me out because feelings were exchanged. And up until this time, things had been light and fun.
posted by Hands of Manos at 9:54 PM on March 1, 2009
I think that's a good idea and may go that route. I'd rather just "get to know them better" before I commit to anything. But as I said, the other night one went a little further than that and it kind of freaked me out because feelings were exchanged. And up until this time, things had been light and fun.
posted by Hands of Manos at 9:54 PM on March 1, 2009
Keep in mind that although you're not having sex with either of these women, you may still be being 'intimate' with them. For some people, kissing can be harmless fun. For others, kissing is very intimate. That's why it's important that both of these women know you're also seeing someone else.
posted by 2oh1 at 10:14 PM on March 1, 2009
posted by 2oh1 at 10:14 PM on March 1, 2009
Ah,
I think the way you've worded this post has given most people the wrong impression - the advice has been for the vastly more difficult approach of dating and fucking two people, and having it 'not be serious'.
By refusing to go any further, by not having sex, you are giving the message loud and clear that you do not want anything more serious at this point, and well - in many modern social circles, you'd barely be considered dating.
You're fine.
(And if you do have a conversation that you're seeing someone else - which I don't think is required at this point, make it clear up front that you're not sleeping with anyone! Before the other person also assumes more than you meant by the term 'dating').
posted by Elysum at 11:18 PM on March 1, 2009
I think the way you've worded this post has given most people the wrong impression - the advice has been for the vastly more difficult approach of dating and fucking two people, and having it 'not be serious'.
By refusing to go any further, by not having sex, you are giving the message loud and clear that you do not want anything more serious at this point, and well - in many modern social circles, you'd barely be considered dating.
You're fine.
(And if you do have a conversation that you're seeing someone else - which I don't think is required at this point, make it clear up front that you're not sleeping with anyone! Before the other person also assumes more than you meant by the term 'dating').
posted by Elysum at 11:18 PM on March 1, 2009
I'm in exactly the same relationship with two guys. I just try to be as honest as possible, simple as. Feelings will probably be hurt; one of them has clear feelings for me and has said he wants to be with me but I'm just not in that place right now simple as.
As long as your being honest there is no problem, dunno why people are hating, more power to you. (And me)
posted by Neonshock at 12:48 AM on March 2, 2009
As long as your being honest there is no problem, dunno why people are hating, more power to you. (And me)
posted by Neonshock at 12:48 AM on March 2, 2009
Wow. Second Elysum, you need to update your dating definition to the modern usage. Regarding social convention, I think it's perfectly fine dating multiple people concurrently. Use this time to learn as much about the other person(s) and see how she fit with you. Selective disclosure is fine during this period. In fact, it's better if you don't mention other dates because it shows a lack of control and confidence. Exclusivity should begin only when it is clearly communicated and agreed between the two of you. You may even allowed a few weeks grace to "tidy up other businesses" after the agreement. Furthermore, full disclosure is not warranted until there is an agreement of commitment (ideally just before or after engagement); and by then, you should have a long enough period of exclusivity that the past can be mentioned without jealousy or rancor.
My view is this: a relationship can be divided into dating, going-steady, and marriage. Dating is for information exchange, disclosure and investigation. It does not violate ethics to carry on multiple contacts in this phase as long as you don't lie or mislead the other person regarding your past. Going steady is after the agreement to be exclusive, it's a trial period to see if you can live together in the present. The ethic during this period is don't cheat or be manipulative; and honor your significant other in your present living. If that stage concludes successfully, you may consider marriage, which is a commitment for the future. Full disclosure before marriage is necessary because both parties need all the information from the other person in order to make a long-term decision. And of course, the ethical thing in marriage is to keep and honor the other person in all the present and future plans, as promised.
Generally, you are only obligated to disclose information about your past, your present and your future at the appropriate stage of the relationship. Doing it too late can be construed as unethical, but doing it too soon may be a little jarring to the other person. The reason why it can be uncomfortable is, by disclosing the "advance information" early, you indicate that you are "moving" to the next stage. That may be thought as expectation and pressure on the other party to move with you when she is not ready. Do this too often and the other person may suspect fraud (why does he want to move too fast), lack of confidence (he is not comfortable with himself), or lack of control (he can't keep secrets) and cut you loose.
Apply the golden rule as you proceed. What you are willing to do, expect the same from the other, no more, no less. If you are still itching to share, the way to expose more about your present and future plans without obligating the other person is by making it non-specific, e.g: "let me tell you about what happened today...", or "something happened to a friend of mine and I think...", or "I've always dream about doing ...". In short, tell a story, and avoid naming your children with her on the first date.
posted by curiousZ at 1:49 AM on March 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
My view is this: a relationship can be divided into dating, going-steady, and marriage. Dating is for information exchange, disclosure and investigation. It does not violate ethics to carry on multiple contacts in this phase as long as you don't lie or mislead the other person regarding your past. Going steady is after the agreement to be exclusive, it's a trial period to see if you can live together in the present. The ethic during this period is don't cheat or be manipulative; and honor your significant other in your present living. If that stage concludes successfully, you may consider marriage, which is a commitment for the future. Full disclosure before marriage is necessary because both parties need all the information from the other person in order to make a long-term decision. And of course, the ethical thing in marriage is to keep and honor the other person in all the present and future plans, as promised.
Generally, you are only obligated to disclose information about your past, your present and your future at the appropriate stage of the relationship. Doing it too late can be construed as unethical, but doing it too soon may be a little jarring to the other person. The reason why it can be uncomfortable is, by disclosing the "advance information" early, you indicate that you are "moving" to the next stage. That may be thought as expectation and pressure on the other party to move with you when she is not ready. Do this too often and the other person may suspect fraud (why does he want to move too fast), lack of confidence (he is not comfortable with himself), or lack of control (he can't keep secrets) and cut you loose.
Apply the golden rule as you proceed. What you are willing to do, expect the same from the other, no more, no less. If you are still itching to share, the way to expose more about your present and future plans without obligating the other person is by making it non-specific, e.g: "let me tell you about what happened today...", or "something happened to a friend of mine and I think...", or "I've always dream about doing ...". In short, tell a story, and avoid naming your children with her on the first date.
posted by curiousZ at 1:49 AM on March 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
I agree with Elysum: no sex means they know it isn't too serious so the issue is sidestepped. There's no reason they should know about each-other specifically, as long as they know that you aren't looking for a girlfriend.
In the long run though, sex or not, both of these relationships will probably end. You can't control that, so enjoy them while you can, but be prepared to make a gracious exit, or accept an unwanted ending.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:27 AM on March 2, 2009
In the long run though, sex or not, both of these relationships will probably end. You can't control that, so enjoy them while you can, but be prepared to make a gracious exit, or accept an unwanted ending.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:27 AM on March 2, 2009
My view is this: a relationship can be divided into dating, going-steady, and marriage.
Is that really the way it is anymore? I feel like that was already old-fashioned when I was dating 15 years ago. I'd say it's something more like: Friendship, Dating, and Cohabitation (Warning: May Contain Marriage-Like Substance). Sometimes people skip the friendship part (blind dates), but people usually know the people they date through their network of friends/work/school first.
As I said to Hands of Manos via MeMail, I think that by conceptualizing the "get to know you" phase that he wants to stay in with these two people (and others, eventually) as "friendship" instead of "dating" it simply eliminates a lot of the stress and drama inherent in "dating," which I would argue includes assumptions of intimacy and exclusivity in today's world.
posted by Rock Steady at 5:45 AM on March 2, 2009
Is that really the way it is anymore? I feel like that was already old-fashioned when I was dating 15 years ago. I'd say it's something more like: Friendship, Dating, and Cohabitation (Warning: May Contain Marriage-Like Substance). Sometimes people skip the friendship part (blind dates), but people usually know the people they date through their network of friends/work/school first.
As I said to Hands of Manos via MeMail, I think that by conceptualizing the "get to know you" phase that he wants to stay in with these two people (and others, eventually) as "friendship" instead of "dating" it simply eliminates a lot of the stress and drama inherent in "dating," which I would argue includes assumptions of intimacy and exclusivity in today's world.
posted by Rock Steady at 5:45 AM on March 2, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
Here's my advice: at any costs, stop them from finding out about each other. If they don't now, but suddenly do, the fun could suddenly disappear very very quickly.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 7:58 PM on March 1, 2009