How do I learn to not need someone and how to be an individual

February 27, 2009 12:53 PM

How do I move away from needing someone to freely choosing or not choosing them instead? And the closely related question is how do I become more of an individual?

Due to my job situation I've had to live apart from my wife for the past year and a half. For the first 9 months she had the kids, but now I do. Right now, it's a nine hour drive's distance between us so we see her only once a month or sometimes less often for a weekend. Our marriage is strained in the first place, and the distance has only made things worse. She needs to sell our house in order for her to move to live with us. It's a bad economy, so this is going to be difficult.

There are many issues we are dealing with, but there is one that I thought the hive-mind could help me with.

Since taking the children with me to our new home, my wife has had considerably more free time. She has been getting more and more involved in her church. She is going to college to be a nurse. She has gotten involved in a network marketing business. She has become increasingly independent and more of an individual. This has threatened me because she needs me less and less. Actually, I don't think she needs me at all anymore. Which is an inevitable side effect from living apart for so long and probably healthy. But also I have realized that I have not become more of an individual. Even though our relationship has been toxic, I still find I need her. I've stagnated in my personal growth. I feel like I've been so absorbed in our marital issues that I've failed to invest in myself.

It seems to me that needing people or someone is a characteristic of our early stages in relational development. As we grow up, we theoretically become more secure in ourselves and need others less. Instead of needing them, we choose them or choose not to be with them. I am 41. I don't feel that I've grown up in this way. How do I move away from needing someone or people to freely choosing them or not choosing them instead?

The closely related question then is how do I become more of an individual?

posted by doppler68 to human relations (10 comments total)

In regards to personal growth: what do you do for yourself? What do you enjoy? Do you want to learn something or become more proficient at something? Also, what's holding you back? Lack of time? Lack of money? Concerns about appearances? Or are you mentally devoting yourself to the troubles of your marriage? Is any of this something you could do with your kids, if you're lacking a social group to engage you?

What do you need of your wife? What are you relying on her for? Do you wait to talk with her before making decisions?
posted by filthy light thief at 1:16 PM on February 27

Choosing or not choosing isn't a part of your equation--you are married to this individual.

So what you seem to be looking for is a way to deal with these feelings of being left out and away from your wife. You would like to feel less dependent on her and her feelings. Totally understandable.

Start here: Intimate Connections

Follow this book and you will be helped.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:24 PM on February 27 [1 favorite]

Is it only with your wife that you feel this way? What about your friends and girlfriend? Maybe it is symptomatic of your marriage only?
posted by Houstonian at 1:39 PM on February 27 [2 favorites]

I think what you really need to do is to stop seeing these as two separate issues. Your wife is doing the right thing by investing in personal growth--for both herself and the relationship. You need to do the same. Self-awareness is a great first step--now go out there and challenge yourself. Start volunteering your time, or take some graduate classes, or join a book club. Start a reading project. Coach a little league team. Do something with your time that has nothing to do with the relationship and everything to do with giving yourself the kind of life you'd want to be living regardless of whether you're in a relationship. Over the long term, this will only improve the relationship that you have because you'll realize that your goals are within your grasp whether you're partnered or not.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 1:42 PM on February 27

This shouldn't be a question of becoming an individual. You are already an individual. The problem is likely to be that you're not living and acting like one. That's what happens when you try to ignore or repress some aspect of yourself that can't be healthily ignored or repressed. If you feel you've lost yourself, it's probably because you've been avoiding dealing with some painful or scary aspect of your life, and the happier parts of your life have slipped away as collateral damage.

It sounds like your marriage isn't working so well for you, and hasn't been for some time. My guess is that you need to confront that reality head-on. I don't mean you need to run out and get a divorce lawyer; I mean you have to stop living as if everything will be okay as soon as your old house sells. If you feel your life will still be a miserable mess even if your wife finally comes to live with you, then you need to think about what you can do about it. Turn the old house into a rental, get marital counseling, have an honest and private talk with your wife -- brainstorm some ideas about what you'd do if you weren't so down on yourself. Kick yourself in the pants.
posted by jon1270 at 1:44 PM on February 27 [2 favorites]

I'm not sure I understand your question. Are you trying to detach yourself from this relationship altogether because you are too needy? Or are you trying to maintain this relationship but not feel as needy? You can love someone without the needy attachment you are describing. A healthy love allows you to support someone's growth without feeling threatened. In your case, your relationship was already unhealthy, and the choices you both made in regard to pursuing your work have put a severe strain on what was already weak. Add your neediness to the mix and I don't see how you will improve the situation without addressing your commitment to this woman and to your family, and working on the issues that are making you needy and dependent.

You seem to be an analytical person. This can be a detriment if you get stuck there rather than taking action to work on this problem. Have you considered therapy? If you don't like therapy, have you tried to do things that build your sense of independence and confidence?
posted by Piscean at 2:04 PM on February 27

There was a great article in the New York Times a couple of weeks ago about how the best marriages are those where both parties have interests outside the marriage. It's just healthier if you both have your own interests. That way, when you spend time together, you've got something to talk about and you come back refreshed and renewed. It sounds like everything your wife is doing is healthy (furthering her career and her hobbies). Just because she has interests outside the marriage doesn't mean she doesn't love you or isn't devoted to her family. It does sound like you might need to develop your own interests. Try pursing a hobby that's all yours.
posted by bananafish at 3:02 PM on February 27

what's your schedule like? how many kids? ages? after the 9 months are they going back with mom?

any furthering of hobbies or goals will have to go around their schedule. you said it yourself, she's able to do more because she doesn't have the kids. now that you have kids, this might be a bad time to find large swaths of "you time".
posted by nadawi at 3:06 PM on February 27

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posted by zulonline at 5:18 PM on February 27

If you want help thinking about how you can independent within a close, loving relationship, I would recommend David Schnarch's Passionate Marriage. Of course, if you are already planning to leave your marriage, this won't help. Schnarch's view is that true passion and intimacy depend on the willingness is to be yourself within the marriage - neediness and dependency interfere with being honest and taking risks within the relationship. Good Luck.
posted by metahawk at 9:38 PM on February 27