Christ, I'm an arsehole

February 26, 2009 2:14 PM

I'd like examples of best practice in apologising on internet forums.

Recently I've gone over my posting history on a few of the blogs and forums I frequent, and discovered with some sense of shame that I've been, consistenly and for years, a sanctimonious, self-righteous, judgemental arsehole.
I want to make it right, and not just by changing the way I behave online—I'd like to properly apologise. What's the best way to atone for being a bad person on the internet?

posted by Fiasco da Gama to society & culture (18 comments total)

I vote for short and sweet. "I've recently read through my posting history and realized that I've been, consistently and for years, a sanctimonious, self-righteous, judgmental arsehole. I'm sorry. I will try from here on out to be less of a jerk. I know it will take a while to prove that I'm sincere, but I hope people will give me a second chance."

And then realize that you prove your sincerity by actually changing your behavior. Don't expect people to forgive you or trust you right away.
posted by craichead at 2:20 PM on February 26, 2009

Private, short, sincere notes to those adversely affected.

Put nothing in public -- it smacks of attention-whoring and insincerity, just as much as a "I'm leaving forever" or a public call-out does.
posted by Damn That Television at 2:23 PM on February 26, 2009 [4 favorites]

Seconding Damn That Television. If you post it in public, you've just started a thread in which people are going to make fun of you, curse at you, and so on. Just e-mail or send a message to the people you rubbed the wrong way.
posted by sonic meat machine at 2:30 PM on February 26, 2009

It's wonderful to look over written history (whether it be web history, journals, blogs, etc.) and see where you tripped yourself up. Think of it as a helpful personal exercise so you can improve the way you come across and not necessarily a crime against all those you slighted.

If there are certain threads that caused significant amounts of ire, follow sonic meat machine's advice and message users directly. If it's just an overall theme... well there's no time like the present to change your ways and I applaud you on achieving this self-awareness. People will likely forgive the past if you show a genuine attitude and desire to change.
posted by cranberrymonger at 2:36 PM on February 26, 2009

I'm sure somone has apologized somewhere on MeTa. You may find good examples there.
posted by sixcolors at 2:38 PM on February 26, 2009

I'm sure somone has apologized somewhere on MeTa. You may find good examples there.

I liked this one.
posted by Joe Beese at 2:44 PM on February 26, 2009

You could always start over. One of the few virtues of using a screen name.
posted by GuyZero at 2:52 PM on February 26, 2009

The 3 point apology:

1. Say that you are sorry.

2. Clarify exactly what you're apologizing for.

3. Clarify the steps you will take to make amends.
posted by philip-random at 2:57 PM on February 26, 2009

Starting over has so many negative issues that it's not worth it. You'd lose whatever position you hold amongst the forum, you'd be treated like a newbie (unless you revealed your old identity, which would defeat the purpose,) and most forums frown upon sock-puppet accounts, which that would be.

I'd also apologize personally, unless you've been an ass to every person on the board, in which case a short, public apology would be good.

Actions speak louder than words, though, so no matter what you do remember to actually not be an ass anymore. This is coming from someone whose New Year's Resolution was/is "Be nicer."
posted by papayaninja at 3:15 PM on February 26, 2009

Unless you have specific things that still bother you this long after the deed (like single persons you think you hurt talking about important issues), I'd let the past go and start writing history now.

Otherwise the practice on professional forums would (for example) be that one (as soon as it becomes clear that there was some problem) apologizes to the whole community for things that potentially hurt a group of readers, and apologizes off-list to individuals, whenever necessary.
But I'd suggest not to look back too hard. For analysis, fine, but not for self-bashing. No new name needed either, mostly. People are entitled to see the learning process unfold. It's more graceful than to go announce it big time.
posted by Namlit at 3:26 PM on February 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'm with namlit, just start being a better person. People will notice if they care.
posted by rhizome at 3:29 PM on February 26, 2009

i'm thirding Damn That Television and would, in addition, do what Namlit said. private apologies + changed behavior seem to cover everything without ever seeming trite.
posted by skaye at 3:34 PM on February 26, 2009

I totally, totally agree with off-forum apologies and conversations generally. Lately, when I find myself getting into it with someone here on meteafilter, I try to message them instead of continuing to dominate the group space with whatever crap most people don't care to hear.

The other thing I recommend is actively committing to be different. In my view, changed behavior matters more than an apology. Eventually, and this will take time, folks will notice the new you. Maybe a sticky note on the corner of your monitor that reminds you to be nice would help?

I salute you for deciding to change your ways! The internet makes it easy to be a jerk - even for folks who normally are not. Your interest in being nice is exceptional and lovely.
posted by serazin at 3:53 PM on February 26, 2009

What's the best way to atone for being a bad person on the internet?

Never apologize publicly, or try to make up for it by doing something good or useful for the site's community. You'll get eaten alive for it.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 6:11 PM on February 26, 2009

As someone who has from time to time or, more honestly, more often than not, been a totally rude, disgusting, obnoxious person, I would say simply:

STOP

That's it. Just stop doing it. Apologize if you have been over-the-top, out there mean to any individual and you know who it is, but otherwise, go out of your way to set a respectful tone and a high, mature level of discourse. You will feel better about yourself for it.
posted by bunnycup at 7:10 PM on February 26, 2009

The best public apologies arise during debates, when individuals reflect upon their recent words and actions during that debate, become aware they were foolhardy or rage-driven, gently acknowledge this, beg pardon, and then discontinue the offensive words and actions.

Many a time people apologize graciously, only to perpetuate their bad behaviors a short time later.
posted by terranova at 10:55 PM on February 26, 2009

Will no one suggest a public apology and then the ritual Taking Of The Lumps? I know I would admire that a lot more.
posted by wenestvedt at 8:31 AM on February 27, 2009

I've seen an actual case of a rehabilitated troll, who is now a productive poster. He took his ban like a man, asked to come back, and has been good ever since. He's now got quite a bit of respect.

If people are still seething, don't post for a little while. Not sure how long, it's a play-it-by-ear thing. Then, as stated above, behave yourself - without exception.

It's easier to recover from these things than you think.
posted by Citrus at 8:32 AM on February 27, 2009