I'm losing my friend to guilt trips and defensiveness...
February 26, 2009 12:23 PM Subscribe
Is this friendship salvageable? Frustrated attractions, weird tensions, and lots of insecurities are inside.
I (25 year old girl) met Chris (30 year old guy) a year ago through a mutual friend, and we initially seemed compatible. He was finishing his final year as a political theory grad student, and I was working in publishing. We spent a series of awkwardly flirtatious nights at the bar, but I was put off by the fact that he had a long-term open relationship, and now suspect that I had confused intellectual excitement with physical and emotional attraction. Chris was slower to recognize this dilemma, and said he'd be willing to leave his girlfriend, but eventually it became just as clear to him that we'd make a terrible couple. We never, ever did anything physical.
So then we were friends, and at first it was really great. Chris offered to teach me about political theory, and encouraged me to rethink my unfulfilling job as an editor and consider going back to school for a PhD in English. We spent 2-3 nights a week talking about politics, and formed a book club with some friends to read texts on political theory. Everything seemed to go well until Chris hit a period of stress and uncertainty at work, where he became needier, more pedantic and increasingly self-righteous. He started lecturing me as if I were stupid, over-explained basic concepts, argued aggressively on subjects that he had no background in (like lit theory and literature, where I can smell an imposter) just to establish seniority. I was currently miserable at my job and had zero patience for his behavior, so I was less understanding than I should have been about manifestations of depression. When I pointed out the recent switch in our dynamic, Chris admitted he had a tendency to talk down to people, but also suggested that I was misinterpreting rigorous intellectual discussion as a personal attack (which sounds fair enough). This coincided with a series of guilt trips where he would cite some apparent failure in our friendship (I had finished a book alone that we were supposed to read together, ets) and not let it go. I became distant and found excuses to avoid hanging out.
Our friendship has coasted downhill, depositing us in a toxic cycle where I can barely stand to be around him because I feel a terrible combination of guilt, resentment and defensiveness. While I'm pretty open-minded about non-traditional relationships, I find his willingness to ditch his girlfriend of 5 years for some girl he barely met (and then continuing the relationship with her after it was clear he and I wouldn't work out) to be fraudulent, though I've never said as much to him. The more distant I become, the needier he gets, and he guilt trips when he's needy, which puts my defense mechanism into overdrive to the point where I can't tell when he's being genuine and when he's being melodramatic and manipulative. For instance, when I told him I wasn't up for our monthly reading group this time, he sent an email to our friends disbanding the book club.
Chris admitted recently that he's lost the majority of his friends because they find him demanding and overbearing, but he's extremely touchy about criticism whereas I tend to assume people have thick skins. What's worse is that I'm pathologically allergic to guilt trips and totally shut down when I sense any wheedling, deserved or not. I don't want to lose my friend, especially not when everything began on such a promising note, but now I'm afraid I'm not contributing much to his life anymore because of this awful dynamic.
Chris keeps inviting me to hang out, but I just can't bring myself to face the inevitable guilting, so it's been weeks since we last saw each other. I don't know if we've hit a low point or the exit door. I haven't handled this well at all, so I'd also like some advice on ameliorating my own reactions that contribute to the problem. Or should I bow out now before it gets worse?
I (25 year old girl) met Chris (30 year old guy) a year ago through a mutual friend, and we initially seemed compatible. He was finishing his final year as a political theory grad student, and I was working in publishing. We spent a series of awkwardly flirtatious nights at the bar, but I was put off by the fact that he had a long-term open relationship, and now suspect that I had confused intellectual excitement with physical and emotional attraction. Chris was slower to recognize this dilemma, and said he'd be willing to leave his girlfriend, but eventually it became just as clear to him that we'd make a terrible couple. We never, ever did anything physical.
So then we were friends, and at first it was really great. Chris offered to teach me about political theory, and encouraged me to rethink my unfulfilling job as an editor and consider going back to school for a PhD in English. We spent 2-3 nights a week talking about politics, and formed a book club with some friends to read texts on political theory. Everything seemed to go well until Chris hit a period of stress and uncertainty at work, where he became needier, more pedantic and increasingly self-righteous. He started lecturing me as if I were stupid, over-explained basic concepts, argued aggressively on subjects that he had no background in (like lit theory and literature, where I can smell an imposter) just to establish seniority. I was currently miserable at my job and had zero patience for his behavior, so I was less understanding than I should have been about manifestations of depression. When I pointed out the recent switch in our dynamic, Chris admitted he had a tendency to talk down to people, but also suggested that I was misinterpreting rigorous intellectual discussion as a personal attack (which sounds fair enough). This coincided with a series of guilt trips where he would cite some apparent failure in our friendship (I had finished a book alone that we were supposed to read together, ets) and not let it go. I became distant and found excuses to avoid hanging out.
Our friendship has coasted downhill, depositing us in a toxic cycle where I can barely stand to be around him because I feel a terrible combination of guilt, resentment and defensiveness. While I'm pretty open-minded about non-traditional relationships, I find his willingness to ditch his girlfriend of 5 years for some girl he barely met (and then continuing the relationship with her after it was clear he and I wouldn't work out) to be fraudulent, though I've never said as much to him. The more distant I become, the needier he gets, and he guilt trips when he's needy, which puts my defense mechanism into overdrive to the point where I can't tell when he's being genuine and when he's being melodramatic and manipulative. For instance, when I told him I wasn't up for our monthly reading group this time, he sent an email to our friends disbanding the book club.
Chris admitted recently that he's lost the majority of his friends because they find him demanding and overbearing, but he's extremely touchy about criticism whereas I tend to assume people have thick skins. What's worse is that I'm pathologically allergic to guilt trips and totally shut down when I sense any wheedling, deserved or not. I don't want to lose my friend, especially not when everything began on such a promising note, but now I'm afraid I'm not contributing much to his life anymore because of this awful dynamic.
Chris keeps inviting me to hang out, but I just can't bring myself to face the inevitable guilting, so it's been weeks since we last saw each other. I don't know if we've hit a low point or the exit door. I haven't handled this well at all, so I'd also like some advice on ameliorating my own reactions that contribute to the problem. Or should I bow out now before it gets worse?
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request. -- jessamyn
I am sorry if I am missing this in your post, but have you tried have a sit down talk with him about everything? Sometimes a series of conversations (one never does the trick, IMO) can help just open everything up. You seem to have a pretty decent grasp on everything that has taken place between the two of you that led you to where you are now and are aware of the myriad emotional and personality factors that complicate your friendship, and that's a great first step. In fact that awareness is more than most people have about their lives and relationships, I think. The next step in my mind is to put this all out on the table and try to explore the issues and mend the friendship with Chris.
A step beyond that might be you alone doing some exploration of why you handled things the way you have, since you aren't pleased with how you've acted/reacted throughout. Also, exploring why certain behaviors of Chris' get under your skin in a particularly triggering ("pathologically allergic to guilt trips") way might be helpful in being able to be friends with him going forward (if you decide that what's you want to do).
Of course, if you don't really care about the friendship, you can definitely opt out of the whole thing. But it sounds like you care enough about him and at the very least the history of a good friendship to just walk away from it. I say, talk it out.
posted by Rudy Gerner at 12:31 PM on February 26, 2009
A step beyond that might be you alone doing some exploration of why you handled things the way you have, since you aren't pleased with how you've acted/reacted throughout. Also, exploring why certain behaviors of Chris' get under your skin in a particularly triggering ("pathologically allergic to guilt trips") way might be helpful in being able to be friends with him going forward (if you decide that what's you want to do).
Of course, if you don't really care about the friendship, you can definitely opt out of the whole thing. But it sounds like you care enough about him and at the very least the history of a good friendship to just walk away from it. I say, talk it out.
posted by Rudy Gerner at 12:31 PM on February 26, 2009
I vote that you bow out before it gets worse. No one needs that kind of drama in their life, and if he'll guilt trip you over reading a book that you guys were supposed to read together... man.
There are people who seem promising when you first meet them, and are even more awesome after you get to know them better. Then there are people who are promising when you first meet them, and the better you get to know them they're more comfortable being a dick to you because you aren't a stranger anymore. Don't confuse the two.
posted by Nattie at 12:33 PM on February 26, 2009
There are people who seem promising when you first meet them, and are even more awesome after you get to know them better. Then there are people who are promising when you first meet them, and the better you get to know them they're more comfortable being a dick to you because you aren't a stranger anymore. Don't confuse the two.
posted by Nattie at 12:33 PM on February 26, 2009
Oh, and as to this:
Chris offered to teach me about political theory, and encouraged me to rethink my unfulfilling job as an editor and consider going back to school for a PhD in English. We spent 2-3 nights a week talking about politics, and formed a book club with some friends to read texts on political theory. Everything seemed to go well until Chris hit a period of stress and uncertainty at work, where he became needier, more pedantic and increasingly self-righteous.
He didn't become needier, more pedantic, and increasingly self-righteous. He just began showing his true colors. He was on his best behavior when he was trying to impress you, then when he thought he had you hooked, he began showing what a dick he really is.
My guess is that, when you found out he was a "political theorist," you made some noises suggesting that impressed and/or intrigued you, so he played that to the hilt.
posted by jayder at 12:34 PM on February 26, 2009 [3 favorites]
Chris offered to teach me about political theory, and encouraged me to rethink my unfulfilling job as an editor and consider going back to school for a PhD in English. We spent 2-3 nights a week talking about politics, and formed a book club with some friends to read texts on political theory. Everything seemed to go well until Chris hit a period of stress and uncertainty at work, where he became needier, more pedantic and increasingly self-righteous.
He didn't become needier, more pedantic, and increasingly self-righteous. He just began showing his true colors. He was on his best behavior when he was trying to impress you, then when he thought he had you hooked, he began showing what a dick he really is.
My guess is that, when you found out he was a "political theorist," you made some noises suggesting that impressed and/or intrigued you, so he played that to the hilt.
posted by jayder at 12:34 PM on February 26, 2009 [3 favorites]
First of all, no one who encourages you to pursue a PhD in English has your best interests at heart.
Glibness aside, it sounds like you guys clicked on an intellectual level. However, over the short time you've known one another (and one year is *not* serious friendship territory, in my book), you've discovered that it isn't an emotionally rewarding friendship for you, that your values aren't similar, etc. It's not up to you to fix Chris' problems, or to be his new buddy just because he's run off everyone else with the same behavior he's now showing you. Figure out what you're getting out of the friendship, and whether it's in proportion to the energy you're putting in, and you'll probably have the right answer for you. If it were me, I'd try to see if I could disengage from the guilt-trippy manipulative bs while still remaining part of this interesting book club.
posted by amelioration at 12:36 PM on February 26, 2009 [3 favorites]
Glibness aside, it sounds like you guys clicked on an intellectual level. However, over the short time you've known one another (and one year is *not* serious friendship territory, in my book), you've discovered that it isn't an emotionally rewarding friendship for you, that your values aren't similar, etc. It's not up to you to fix Chris' problems, or to be his new buddy just because he's run off everyone else with the same behavior he's now showing you. Figure out what you're getting out of the friendship, and whether it's in proportion to the energy you're putting in, and you'll probably have the right answer for you. If it were me, I'd try to see if I could disengage from the guilt-trippy manipulative bs while still remaining part of this interesting book club.
posted by amelioration at 12:36 PM on February 26, 2009 [3 favorites]
It sounds like Chris was more emotionally invested in you than in his SO. I'm not going anywhere with that, it's just an observation.
A friend of mine had a similar acquaintence. It was someone from work. He didn't have a lot of other friends and it didn't help that he was attracted to her. In the end he got too needy and had to be cut off. I wish you better luck in your situation.
posted by valadil at 1:00 PM on February 26, 2009
A friend of mine had a similar acquaintence. It was someone from work. He didn't have a lot of other friends and it didn't help that he was attracted to her. In the end he got too needy and had to be cut off. I wish you better luck in your situation.
posted by valadil at 1:00 PM on February 26, 2009
Do you really want to be friends with this guy? You don't seem to like him as a person anymore (not that I blame you) and you don't like spending time with him anymore because of how he behaves (talking down to you, guilt trips), and you don't mention any potential downside to losing him as a friend (aside from having to find a new book club). How important is that book club?
One thing to consider--I have occasionally stopped accepting invitations to hang out with friends I genuinely liked because I knew some obnoxious friend of theirs would be joining us. Maybe your friends are more tolerant, but it's certainly something to be aware of.
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:23 PM on February 26, 2009
One thing to consider--I have occasionally stopped accepting invitations to hang out with friends I genuinely liked because I knew some obnoxious friend of theirs would be joining us. Maybe your friends are more tolerant, but it's certainly something to be aware of.
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:23 PM on February 26, 2009
Friends are great because they love you, support you, lend you an ear, and are fun to be around. Sounds like Chris is more into himself than being a good friend to you. Sometimes, it's better to break up with a friend straight up. Just quit calling, ignore, and move on. Sometimes, it's better to break up with a friend after a conversation explaining what's missing in the friendship and why you can't deal with it anymore. I have a few ex-friends. I just quit calling. It's easier and my life is better for it, although I may be a coward. But they were treating me like crap, and I just don't need that in my life. My TRUE friends make me feel good about myself and love me for who I am, even if I might not get political theory.
And in case any of my TRUE friends are reading this, thanks for being wonderful.
Hwaet, you have got to take care of yourself.
posted by cachondeo45 at 1:26 PM on February 26, 2009
And in case any of my TRUE friends are reading this, thanks for being wonderful.
Hwaet, you have got to take care of yourself.
posted by cachondeo45 at 1:26 PM on February 26, 2009
I don't know, but he kind of just sounds like a regular old jerk. Initial compatability doesn't always translate to real lasting friendship, and that's OK. It's usually just this kind of thing that decides the difference between a lifelong friend and just someone you hung out with for a while—over time, you either continue to enjoy one another's company or you don't.
posted by lampoil at 1:35 PM on February 26, 2009
posted by lampoil at 1:35 PM on February 26, 2009
now I'm afraid I'm not contributing much to his life anymore
Exactly what's he contributing to YOUR life? Maybe you should worry about that and let him make decisions for himself about whether he wants to keep someone as a friend.
I don't really see from your description that there's much of anything you like about this person or your time with him. What exactly do you want to salvage here? Nothing that ever materialized, it would seem. So you're chasing some prospect of awesome that never showed its face in reality.
Tell him you don't like this rhythm of nastiness you two have fallen into and "you're gonna take a break from it" or "you think it's best if you just part ways now." *click* goodbye.
posted by phearlez at 3:01 PM on February 26, 2009
Exactly what's he contributing to YOUR life? Maybe you should worry about that and let him make decisions for himself about whether he wants to keep someone as a friend.
I don't really see from your description that there's much of anything you like about this person or your time with him. What exactly do you want to salvage here? Nothing that ever materialized, it would seem. So you're chasing some prospect of awesome that never showed its face in reality.
Tell him you don't like this rhythm of nastiness you two have fallen into and "you're gonna take a break from it" or "you think it's best if you just part ways now." *click* goodbye.
posted by phearlez at 3:01 PM on February 26, 2009
[He] also suggested that I was misinterpreting rigorous intellectual discussion as a personal attack.
DTMFA.
Chris admitted recently that he's lost the majority of his friends because they find him demanding and overbearing
For emphasis, DTMFA.
posted by trotter at 3:23 PM on February 26, 2009
DTMFA.
Chris admitted recently that he's lost the majority of his friends because they find him demanding and overbearing
For emphasis, DTMFA.
posted by trotter at 3:23 PM on February 26, 2009
Exactly what's he contributing to YOUR life? Maybe you should worry about that and let him make decisions for himself about whether he wants to keep someone as a friend.
agreed!
posted by skaye at 3:38 PM on February 26, 2009
agreed!
posted by skaye at 3:38 PM on February 26, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
Trust your instincts on this one --- ditch this loser.
posted by jayder at 12:30 PM on February 26, 2009