The exgf wants pics of when we were together, what do I do?

February 26, 2009 8:19 AM

So the ex-gf wants the pictures from when we were together, what do I do?

This is a continuation of this question:
http://ask.metafilter.com/102725/Should-I-be-more-supportive-to-an-ex

So she didnt contact me for a few months. Two days ago, her cousin, who I am friends with, msgd me and told me that the exgf asked her to ask me for a DVD which I had burned and was to give the ex before we broke up, but never got around to it. The DVD has hundreds of pics, mostly with me and her, but with her family and her friends who we used to all hang around with. I told the cousin I dont have the DVD anymore.

I know the DVD isnt around anymore, it probably got thrown away after we broke up. However, I DO have all the pics on my laptop, simply because it has pics of MY friends too, and I honestly haven't had the heart in almost a year to go through them and take the ones I want out. So all the pics are sitting on my laptop.

Today, the ex signs on to MSN with her mom's account (I know this seems weird, but they were family friends before we got together, and they are nice people. I don't talk to them to maintain a link with her, I just like them). She signs on to her mom's account and tells me how she would like to have the pics, that I promised her I'd give them to her but never did, and she'd like me to burn them for her.

I told her to fuck off, but she continued to keep sending me msgs, and it continued to upset me so much, and I couldn't believe after almost one year I have not gotten over this. I just blocked the account.

My question is this. I know how important pictures are, especially after moving to another country (the ex and I have both moved to different countries). Should I just ignore her request, or should I just pop in a blank DVD, and drag the relevant folders onto it, and just find some way to send it to her?

Or did she give up all those rights to get these pictures and me going out of my way to do something kind for her, after what she's done to me?

If it matters she has moved on already, started a new relationship within a few months of us breaking up, and that relationship seems to be pretty long-term. In the meantime I have been in two destructive, awful "pseudo" relationships, one of which I have posted about anonymously.

posted by althanis to human relations (92 comments total)

Just give her the pictures and forget about it. What's happened to you since the breakup is not her fault. What's happened to her is not yours to worry about. Do the decent thing, burn the pics and send them, and then move on.
posted by fiercecupcake at 8:21 AM on February 26 [2 favorites]

It would be a nice thing to burn a disc of pictures that she is in. You are not required to do this. It might help you move past the hurt, and towards the acceptance.
posted by theora55 at 8:22 AM on February 26 [2 favorites]

I told her to fuck off, but she continued to keep sending me msgs...

WTF? Just dump some photos on a DVD and mail it to her. 10 minutes work, at most, then she will be out of your life.
posted by afx237vi at 8:23 AM on February 26 [9 favorites]

...Honestly, I don't see what reason you would have to NOT do this.

You're burning some pictures on a CD. This is not difficult, it's a nice thing to do, and you said you'd do it anyway.

Is there some reason that you don't want to (i.e., she did something awful), that would be a reason not to? Or, if you're worried about shipping costs, is there some way you could compress them into files and just email her the damn things and she can burn her own CD?

I don't see why copying these pictures would be any skin off your nose, to be honest, and I can't help but think there's something you're not telling us about the situation that would explain why the thought of NOT doing this would be logical.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:23 AM on February 26 [3 favorites]

I'm sure there's a quick, free way to upload these so you don't have to bother with a DVD or the mail, if that makes it easier for you.
posted by Jaltcoh at 8:25 AM on February 26 [2 favorites]

Personally I see no reason not to give them to her. Whether she has rights to them or not, really isn't the question. The question is what's the decent thing to do? It doesn't cost anything, takes a moment of your time, but would mean a great deal to her. You obviously cared for her at some point, plus still maintain a relationship with the family, so I don't really see where the question is.

Just go ahead and do it. You'll feel better about it in the end, and if nothing else it will give you closure on the relationship which sounds like you don't have yet.
posted by wile e at 8:25 AM on February 26 [2 favorites]

Is there anything, other than an hour or so of heartbreak, that will result from burning a DVD and sending it to her? It's always fair to tell an ex that you'd prefer not to speak to them for personal reasons -- whatever they may be -- but it seems like she would really appreciate those pictures and would likely stop bothering you after receiving them.

It really seems like you're giving her a reason to continue to contact you.
posted by mikeh at 8:25 AM on February 26 [2 favorites]

wow, an amazing amount of people responded while I wrote that. Apparently we all agree.
posted by wile e at 8:26 AM on February 26 [2 favorites]

I don't know what's right or wrong. It would be kind to let her have the photos, and the inclination to withhold them as punishment for mistreating you is understandable, but it may not be productive for your own healing. Because really, it sounds like she won't leave you alone until she gets the pictures. From a pragmatic standpoint, since it's giving you so much pain to hear from her, I'd just give her copies.

There are faster and easier ways to do this than to sort through them and burn her a DVD, by the way. You could just get a flickr account, and use one of their uploading tools to batch upload all of the photos on your computer (assuming that you're comfortable with them being on flickr, that is). If she knows your username, she can simply download the pics from there herself. You could even just leave them up for a week or two and give her that time to get what she wants.
posted by amelioration at 8:26 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

You're doing just fine telling her to fuck off.
posted by rhizome at 8:27 AM on February 26 [11 favorites]

Furthermore:

10 minutes work, at most, then she will be out of your life.

I do not think this advice is realistic. Did you read the other question?
posted by rhizome at 8:29 AM on February 26 [8 favorites]

Get the pictures to her one way or another. Your heart will grow two sizes.
posted by fixedgear at 8:30 AM on February 26 [3 favorites]

Personally, I think you are asking this question because in your heart you know that the right thing to do is just to give them to her, but you don't want to give in to her. Because you made the effort to be empathetic in the way you asked this question, I bet that you are a pretty nice person and would feel better about yourself in the long run if you gave her the pictures. But if you decide you don't want to, that's okay too.
posted by bunnycup at 8:31 AM on February 26 [8 favorites]

From your earlier question, it looks like having her in touch with you is upsetting. You'd know better than I do about what she's likely to do if you do or don't send her the pictures -- will she keep bugging you until you send them? ask you for other things once you've given in on this?

But you're going to feel a lot better about yourself if you send her the pictures. You know they're important to her, and that in a new country especially so, it's not her fault your relationships have been bad since you broke up, and starting a new relationship months after yours ended doesn't sound like jumping into a new one, really. Take the higher road, burn a dvd, send it to her (or get an ftp site, whatever), feel like you've done one last very nice thing for someone you once cared a great deal for and consider it a pleasant end to a complicated relationship.
posted by jeather at 8:33 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

Don't do it. You haven't had the heart to look through them in the past year, and she doesn't exactly seem like she's getting over everything perfectly either.

Don't delete them, and maybe give them to her at some point in the future if she still wants them, but I think it's a bad idea to do it right now.
posted by PFL at 8:33 AM on February 26 [2 favorites]

I think giving her the pictures is a good idea. Not even for her sake, but for your own. Sending them to her can give you a sense of closure about the whole process, which is healthy. You can even feel free to delete the pictures once they're in her hands, if that helps you.

You would also be commiting an unwarranted act of kindness, specifically towards someone who has caused you pain and suffering in the past. I generally find this type of interaction to be a rewarding experience; it is indicative of forgiveness, a practice which can provide closure for old wounds and allow oneself to move on with one's life.

I think this is an important step for you to take.
posted by HabeasCorpus at 8:38 AM on February 26 [3 favorites]

My instinctive response is to just be the bigger man and cut the disk and be done with it, but your other question suggests that she is resisting your efforts to keep her at arms length and that the photo request is just a pretext to continue to involve you in her drama. You also need to get her out of your head -- she can only hold power over you that you give her.

If it makes you feel better, she will probably use the disc to torment her new boyfriend, so that might be enough value add for you to do it.
posted by Lame_username at 8:40 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

Burn the pictures to a DVD and mail it to her with a note asking her to please stop contacting you. Afterwards, delete them from your PC. Call it a clean slate. You've eliminated her reason to bug you, done a basically good deed, and eliminated something lurking on your hard drive likely to bug you in the future.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 8:41 AM on February 26 [3 favorites]

I think it's a bad idea. She wants to maintain contact with you, and sending the pics isn't going to resolve that. It sounds like, from your previous question, that there's always going to be something she needs to talk to you about or you need to do for her. Don't play the game. Continue to ignore.
posted by electroboy at 8:42 AM on February 26 [8 favorites]

Just be big and send the pictures. She is obviously mature enough to realise that while things might be a little raw at the moment, in the future she will probably want something to remember the relationship by.
posted by fire&wings at 8:42 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

Do you have a close, trusted friend nearby who can go through the photos for you? If so, then it might be helpful to have that person sort through the photos, and give you a folder full of ones that don't include her.

Since it does sound, from the question you linked, that she's a little clingy and isn't really letting go very well, it might also be good if that same friend could make a folder or disk for her that excludes all images of you.

This would be a rather extreme act of kindness on your part, and a heroic gesture by your friend, but I thought I'd share it with you in case it was helpful.
posted by amtho at 8:45 AM on February 26

I couldn't believe after almost one year I have not gotten over this

It totally sucks, but it's also totally normal. (And you only had five months of no contact, so I'm not sure you should count it as a full year.) But you should probably go ahead and send her the pictures. The pictures include her, her family, and her friends. She hasn't contacted you for five months, so it's likely she'll leave you alone again after that.
posted by salvia at 8:47 AM on February 26

I read the other post: I don't think the Ex's intent is necessarily to "continue to play the game" as electroboy suggests.

Remember that the Ex had her cousin initiate the contact to ask you for the pictures. She went for the third-party route probably because she knew you didn't want contact, and she may have been trying to respect that boundary. It was only after you shrugged off the cousin that she contacted you directly.

I think the pictures are mutual property, and she deserves to have them if she wishes. I also previously noted that giving them to her would likely be healthy for you. Considering these facts, and considering her her initial attempts to respect previously set boundaries, I believe it would be prudent to send them to her.

If you are still uncomfortable with contact, it is absolutely acceptable to give the pictures to her cousin. You don't lose any face for that.
posted by HabeasCorpus at 8:52 AM on February 26

If you are convinced that all she wants is the pictures, and she has no ulterior motives in asking for them, I would give her the pictures.

Given this question, and the previous one, I am not at all convinced that her motives are just to get the pictures and nothing else. The fact that she a) used someone else's account to contact you after you'd blocked hers and b) continued to pester her after you told her to "fuck off" suggests to me that this isn't just about the pictures. I'd continue to ignore her.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:53 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

continued to pester her you
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:54 AM on February 26

Based on your previous question no, don't give her the pics, block her, block out the IM ids, block out the email addresses, everything, if she calls ignore it. You need to move on and so does she, comfort zone indeed.
posted by zeoslap at 8:56 AM on February 26 [2 favorites]

Give her the pictures. First of all, you said you would. Second of all, the pictures, as well as the memories, are just as much hers as they are yours, and it's only fair that she would get to walk away with her share. Third, the process may give you both the closure you both obviously really need.

It may seem weird, but having a physical (or in this case, digital) record of those fun times may be an important step in her ability to move on. Why would you deny someone that? And once you've done it, you'll have freed yourself from the weight of that obligation and faced the reality of those pictures, which you are clearly avoiding right now for some reason.

You could resolve this whole thing in the span of a few hours, or you could let it fester in your mind for months. Your call!
posted by hermitosis at 8:58 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

b) continued to pester her after you told her to "fuck off" suggests to me that this isn't just about the pictures

I think you're seeing what you want to see here.

It's very easy to go the other way, too: if she were really interested in continuing contact, etc, she'd not want to push past that for fear of going past the point of no return.

2nding the notion that you should just burn the damn DVD and drop it in the mail with a note to stop contacting you.
posted by toomuchpete at 9:02 AM on February 26

Also:

...after what she's done to me?

From your previous thread it sounds like you had a fairly typical breakup, and it doesn't sound like she's "done" anything to warrant being denied what's hers. You truly want to shut her out of your life? It doesn't sound like it, since you're still holding onto something very valuable to her that you know she wants.
posted by hermitosis at 9:03 AM on February 26 [5 favorites]

Tell her you don't know where any of it is because you got a new computer and lost the DVD. You don't have to give them to her or spend your time doing anything for her.
posted by anniecat at 9:06 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

*or lost the DVD.
posted by anniecat at 9:06 AM on February 26

Don't be an asshole, send her the pics.
posted by delmoi at 9:09 AM on February 26 [5 favorites]

You promised her you would do it.
Now she has a boyfriend and you're bitter over your unsuccessful "pseudo relationships" and haven't gotten over her.
And now suddenly you're wanting to renege on your promise and are telling her to fuck off?

Your heart is broken, it will be tough, but keep your word, regardless of if she might be happier than you right now. Don't punish her for that.

Make the DVD or upload them to Flickr for her.
posted by cmgonzalez at 9:11 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

I don't think you're obligated to do this. I guess it would be fine if you wanted to but I think you're better off just ignoring her. She seems kinda manipulative and knows she can get you to do anything for her. I think you should cut off all contact and move on with your life. Especially after reading the question you linked to. Remember this?

I've come to realize I'm the kind of person that likes punishment, so I've tried to get myself out of situations that are unhealthy for me.

Keep doing that.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 9:14 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

Send the pictures. It's kind and a gesture that reflects well on you.
posted by pointystick at 9:14 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

Reading the thread, I think the people who seem to think her asking for the pictures is some kind of BS pretext for getting back into your life and so she doesn't deserve them are out of their minds. If you don't want to talk to her, talk to her cousin and work through them.
posted by delmoi at 9:19 AM on February 26

Give her the pictures. First of all, you said you would. Second of all, the pictures, as well as the memories, are just as much hers as they are yours, and it's only fair that she would get to walk away with her share.

She gave up any claim to fairness when she had what was apparently an emotional affair while they were together. If you read the other thread it appears you are arguing that it was OK for her to change the rules of the relationship, but it's not OK for him to change his mind about the pics.

Let's talk about fair, from the other question:

The same night she called a few days ago, I told her it's unfair of her to call me when she needs help. It's difficult for me, and I'm trying to deal with this how I can. I wish her happiness. She said she'd try not to call, and if she calls next time if I don't want to start this again, let me not answer.

So her psychotic attitude is "OK, if you don't want to hear from me, don't pick up the phone!" If this was a guy saying it to a girl, history tells us that AskMeFi would be telling the OP to call the police and get a restraining order. The girl obviously has boundary problems.

If a compromise is necessary, I would send her only the pics that had both of you in them.
posted by rhizome at 9:26 AM on February 26 [6 favorites]

I told her to fuck off, but she continued to keep sending me msgs

When a man ignores a woman's unambiguous demands that he stay out of her life, we call it "stalking" and tell the woman to contact the police. We don't advise "Give in to his immediate demand so he'll go away."
posted by Joe Beese at 9:26 AM on February 26 [12 favorites]

On preview, what rhizome said.
posted by Joe Beese at 9:27 AM on February 26

Send her the photos.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 9:32 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

I'm not sure there's a definite right answer here. If you give her the pics, she could take that as a cue to start making excuses to contact you for other things. If you don't give her the pics, you come off as a jerk.

I'd probably err on the side of sending the DVD, and then immediately deleting all the pics you don't want anymore from your laptop the moment that thing's in the mail. If she attempts to contact you after that, ignore her.
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:36 AM on February 26

I'm in the don't give her the pics camp. The fact that twice you have said you don't have the pics (and as far as she knows you are telling the truth) and she is stilling bugging you over them tells me she is looking for any reason to contact you. Don't get caught in her drama again and if you are remaining friends with her family member ask that they respect your wish to not have messages from her passed through them.
posted by saucysault at 9:40 AM on February 26 [4 favorites]

An ex-boyfriend once, after we'd been broken up for over a year (his instigation) demanded all the pots and pans that he'd given me--as a gift, all wrapped up and everything--back.

I could have refused--he was a bad boyfriend and an even worse ex-boyfriend, at the time. The items in question were MINE, unquestionably. I suspected that the request was not so much about the pans but about finding some little way to keep in touch with me, some little thing he could do to get under my skin. So, fine. I got all the pots and pans, and also went through my kitchen and tossed in a bunch of other stuff--lids that didn't fit anything, duplicates of whatever--and threw those all in a box as well. I gave them to a mutual friend to pass along to my ex.

Silly request, answered. Attempt to get under my skin, denied.

Give your ex the photos; they're mutual property and it's good karma for you. Do it in a way that denies her the opportunity to know that she's getting to you, in case her behavior is childish. Once she's got nothing to contact you about, she should stop. And if she doesn't, you can address that then.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 9:46 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, she has no rights in regards to you.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:50 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

She gave up any claim to fairness when she had what was apparently an emotional affair while they were together.

That's some emotional kangaroo court logic, right there. If the items in dispute were, say, jewelry or furniture that you had purchased together, her infidelity would have no bearing on whether she was entitled to her share, and in fact she could sue for it. Her transgression does not void the poster's responsibility to do the right thing.

Being adult about a breakup means sifting through the incidentals civilly to make sure everyone gets what's theirs; it's not all just screaming "Fuck off!" at each other and burning their clothes like people do in the movies.

As for Joe Beese's stalking implication, it would be pretty low to, say, file for a restraining order against someone when it seems that their sole reason for communicating with you is that you have a bunch of their stuff. If the genders were reversed in this case, I'm pretty sure that most of the "send her the pix!" responders would stand by their advice.
posted by hermitosis at 9:51 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

Having read your other question, I'm soft-pedaling my gut response which was to tell you to just send them to her. Obviously you guys can't interact in any good way and severing all ties is a constructive response on your part. At the same time, I feel that even though her interactions with you are unhealthy, she doesn't deserve to have these pictures of her and her family kept from her. So the question is: is there a way for you to get them to her without having to directly interact with her or bring up the pain of your break up and the following unpleasantness?

Going through the pictures will be painful; can you ask a friend to do it for you?

Since you did mention that you are friends with her family, perhaps you could use the cousin or mother as a less emotionally charged intermediary to send the DVD to.

If her attempts to contact you are overboard, and I can't entirely tell from what you've written, you should firmly say no to her and continue the quarantine.

Situations like this suck. I'm sorry.
posted by sciencegeek at 9:59 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

it seems that their sole reason for communicating with you is that you have a bunch of their stuff

My reading of the question is that it's a DVD he made with some intent of giving to her before she left him. I don't see how that makes it "her stuff".

Even if he said "I promise to make this for you", he was making that promise to his girlfriend. By renouncing that title, she renounced her claim to any benefits resulting from it.
posted by Joe Beese at 10:00 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

Even if he said "I promise to make this for you", he was making that promise to his girlfriend. By renouncing that title, she renounced her claim to any benefits resulting from it.

I'm sure all this is in the contract she signed on their first date.

But I can see now why responses might vary so widely; some people are seeing this as "a dvd he made" and others are seeing this as "personal photos of herself and her family."
posted by hermitosis at 10:06 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

The photos are on your laptop and you're whinging about having to make a dvd for her?! Why do you need to burn them to a dvd? Can't you just email them? Or upload them to a free imageshack/photobucket account, send the url and be done with it. You seem to want to make a huge drama out of this when it's just a simple matter of point, click, over with.

Withholding personal photos that have her friends and family on them is a babyish dick move, regardless of how bad a girlfriend she was.
posted by zarah at 10:10 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

In the time that you spent writing this askme, you probably could have uploaded the photos to a photo sharing account and emailed her a link.

Just send her the photos and be done with it.
posted by alligatorman at 10:14 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

Just do it. It's so little effort for you, and it obviously means a lot to her or else she wouldn't keep asking about it.
posted by number9dream at 10:19 AM on February 26

I still maintain it's not about the photos, but a third party sounds like a good solution. Burn the DVD, send it to the third person and be done. Then if she continues to try to contact you, you'll at least know it was never about the photos.
posted by electroboy at 10:22 AM on February 26

You promised her you would do it.
Now she has a boyfriend and you're bitter [...] And now suddenly you're wanting to renege on your promise[...]?

Personally if I agreed to (for example) assemble my girlfriend's flat-pack IKEA bed next week, and she broke up with me before that time, I would not consider myself obligated to assemble the bed anyway.

I would not consider that to be "reneging on my promise".

That said, I would like to think that were I in the OP's situation I'd mail off the DVD to the girl's mom and be done with it.
posted by Mike1024 at 10:22 AM on February 26

OK I read both questions and a couple of answers here. I am going to answer this to the best of my knowledge how I would feel in your shoes.

This girl is obviously nuts (not medically but relationship wise.) She cheats on you, does things to ruin your trust in her and she is ok with that. However she still needs you as a comfort zone. Why buy the cow when the milk is free. However part of you still loves her. It might not be a romantic love anymore but still part of what you had for her is still there or else you would have either sent the pix or deleted them already. She is going to use this love you still have for her against you any chance she can. Not because she is evil but because she is a selfish person. You need to summon up the courage and face your demons. I feel you need to cut and paste... not copy and paste... these pictures to a CD and mail them to her. This will symbolize that you are ready to give up whatever feelings are still there and move on. This letting go will help you in the long run. The reason your other two relationships didn't last is because you are still stuck on her. When you mail her the pix also include a note that says this is the last thing I am ever going to do for you. The thought of what we had is too painful. I cannot be your friend. Then after this build yourself an emotional wall of ice and stone in regards to her. She e-mails you saying her life is a mess.... delete it. She mails you a letter... burn it. She calls, hang up. She comes to your door in the middle of the night wearing nothing but a coat, crying that new dude doesn't love her.... say "it's not my problem" and shut the door. Sometimes we love people who are unhealthy for us. I like the quote "Love is an emotional excuse to let someone fuck you." This can be true in some cases.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 10:23 AM on February 26 [4 favorites]

Just do it. It's so little effort for you, and it obviously means a lot to her or else she wouldn't keep asking about it.

If it meant so much to her, why didn't she ask for them shortly after the breakup, before he cut off all contact with her because she was forcing herself into his life in an upsetting way?

There's not enough information in either question to know for sure, but there's a non-zero chance that this is just one in a long series of attempts by her to contact him even though he's said that he doesn't want to have any contact with her. If she really was just reasonably asking for something that she wanted, unrelated to the whole mess that resulted in him cutting her off, then it would be a no-brainer to send the DVD, but I'm not convinced that's the case.
posted by burnmp3s at 10:25 AM on February 26 [2 favorites]

Based on reading your earlier question, I do not think this has anything to do with her wanting the pictures. She wants interaction with you to salve some sort of wound or problem. She has a pattern of trying to get back into your life in ways you don't feel comfortable with, given the way you broke up.

Those who say how little a thing it will be for you aren't taking this into account. This is part of an ongoing pattern of attempting to engage you in order to feel good about herself. It also seems like the fact that you do seem like a nice guy plays into her interactions with you. You do want to be nice. But she takes advantage of that, according to your last question, calling you when you ask not to be called.

Therefore I advise ignoring her requests.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:27 AM on February 26 [2 favorites]

You don't owe her anything, nor is it to your benefit to send the pictures. Tell her to get lost.
posted by Simon Barclay at 10:33 AM on February 26 [2 favorites]

Use it as a purging ritual for yourself. It will make you feel better to have given them to her. Redefine the request as who you want to be, not what she wants.
posted by Vaike at 10:35 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

Thank you for all your responses so far, I have not yet decided what to do.

To make things a little clearer, the pictures are approaching 3GB, its literally hundreds and hundreds of pictures.

A couple months before we broke up, I had put together all of them on a DVD, but I think we were in different countries at the time, and she never asked back about the DVD until now, about one year later. I have no idea where the DVD went, or what prompted her to ask for them. But like I said there are many with her and her family too.

I am not being a dick about this. I was upset because she once again contacted me against my unequivocal wishes. The pictures mean nothing to me and I would have deleted them all when I deleted the hundreds of emails we've exchanged. However like I said, there are pics of my friends that I want in there also.

My reluctance to send them mainly stems from the fact that if I don't want to go through them all, I would end up sending ones with me in them. If I do that I will just have to ask her not to upload any with me in them. I am not reluctant to do this because of spite. Like I said, I know how important pictures of friends and family can be after you've moved to another country and away from them all.

All your opinions are greatly valued as always. Thank you so much.
posted by althanis at 10:39 AM on February 26

Reading the previous question, I think this is another attempt from her to reestablish contact. I think you should have one hell of a bonfire burning this bridge. Burn the bridges to her sister, cousin, mom, and to anyone you can not TRUST to not respecting your boundary. Get a new email, cellphone number, mailbox... and if burning one DVD is going to get rid of her, do it quick and forget it.

My advice is for your long-term health. When you are in a relationship, an "us" exist. You provide mutual care, support, love... to grow that relationship; so being civil and nice is expected. After a breakup, that expectation goes away. You new goal now is recovery and rebuild of your life. You are responsible for your life. You were responsible for "us" when that existed. But you are never, ever responsible for her life. So, make it easy on yourself and choose the simple path. Don't expend resources where there is no gain, or worse, where it takes you further away from your goal. When a challenge arrives (like her asking for pictures), make a quick decision that bypass the obstacle and move on. Think like a general in a war. Your resources (time, money, energy) are limited. Economize your energy so you can win the important battles (like finding and succeeding in a new relationship).

Stop thinking about her. When she throw something at you, don't askMefi, don't overthink her motive, don't spend too much time pondering alternatives. Just do the minimal that keep you sane and move on.
posted by curiousZ at 10:49 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

I've read both threads, and I don't understand at all why you wouldn't just send her the photos and be done with it. I also don't understand why anyone here would suggest that you shouldn't just send her the photos and be done with it.

She sounds needy and immature, but not, you know, evil. You guys had a bad breakup, that's all. Telling her to fuck off about this fairly reasonable request is pretty much bringing yourself down to that same level of immaturity: ha ha I have photos but you were mean to me so now I will be mean to you too so you can't have them neener neener.

Just send her the damn photos.
posted by ook at 10:53 AM on February 26 [2 favorites]

It looks like this is a good opportunity to sort out the pictures you want to keep. Go through and move the ones you don't want into their own folder. Then, you can decide independently of the sorting process what you want to do with that folder: burn DVD and delete or just delete. Either way, you have done something YOU want to do, namely sort out the pictures you want to keep for yourself. Whether you delete the others or send then delete, I bet you will feel better.
posted by mikepop at 11:02 AM on February 26

I would just send all of them, including the ones with you in them. Don't request anything about uploading. What she does with the pictures is not your concern, and can't hurt you. Don't communicate with her again. And if some pictures of you and other women just happen to get "accidentally" mixed in with the ones you send, that's just because you were getting them together in a hurry. Whoops!
posted by neroli at 11:05 AM on February 26

Regardless of if you give her the pictures or not, I think that you need to back away, away, away from a friendship with her mom or her cousin or her best friend. It sucks that you're not going to be able to talk to these people you like anymore, but you can't maintain relationships with them if you really want her out of your life. If nothing else, they're going to talk about you to her and make it that much harder for her to stop thinking about you and move on with her life.

Send her the pictures. Send a note with them that says something along the lines of not interested in any further relationship with you, please don't contact me again. Block her screenname and the screennames of her family on your messaging client. Should one of them contact you, respond and tell them that while you hold them in high regard, in light of the way that your relationship with her went down, you feel that it's inappropriate for you to maintain a friendship with them.

But send the pictures. Say oh hey, I was cleaning and I found that disc you wanted. Make it clear that this is not meant to be taken as an invitation to re-establish a friendship or relationship, but rather that you're doing the decent thing and handing over pictures that clearly mean a lot to her.
posted by MeghanC at 11:06 AM on February 26

Send the pictures to the cousin, because that would be a nice thing to do. Don't go through them--just dump the whole mess onto a dvd and let the cousin or the ex sort through them.

Tell the cousin that if your ex ever contacts you again, you will get a restraining order.

Then, if your ex ever contacts you again, get a restraining order. Also, for Christ's sake, buy and read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker and do what he says.

Yes, repeated unwanted contact by the ex is stalking. But hanging onto pictures just to spite the ex is being an asshole, and doing a "tit for tat" thing just keeps you in the drama.

So give the pictures to the cousin, refuse further contact with the ex (and escalate to legal stuff if necessary).

Note: If you do not want to have contact with the ex, don't get into a discussion with her. Just hang up. Don't say "fuck off", don't try to reason with her about how it's "not fair", just hang up.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:07 AM on February 26

But I'm very serious about sending the pictures to the COUSIN. Not to the ex.

If you want to cut off contact with the ex, start here. And continue to be consistent. No contact, no discussions. Nothing but "I am not talking with you" and a hang-up.

Yes, it feels good to tell an ex to fuck off. And it's also a continuation of contact.

Gavin de Becker says all of this much better than I.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:09 AM on February 26

pictures that clearly mean a lot to her.

Doesn't correlate with "she never asked back about the DVD until now, about one year later."
posted by Joe Beese at 11:09 AM on February 26

My reluctance to send them mainly stems from the fact that if I don't want to go through them all, I would end up sending ones with me in them. If I do that I will just have to ask her not to upload any with me in them. I am not reluctant to do this because of spite.

Sounds like spite to me. What do you care if she uploads some with you in them? Jesus, just send her the pictures. My ex-wife did me wrong, too, but I made sure she got whatever she wanted during the divorce, bent over backwards in fact, because I knew I would feel better about myself because of it, and I do. Do you really want to sit around remembering your defiant refusal to give her pictures that meant a lot to her? Just send her the pictures, and forget the bullshit conditions about not looking at the ones with you on them. Time to move on with your life, while acting like a civilized human being in the process.
posted by languagehat at 11:11 AM on February 26 [2 favorites]

She's just looking for an excuse to continue to talk to you. If the pictures were important to her she would have asked you a long time ago, when she made one of those crazy phone calls to you.

Now she's stretching to find things that seem reasonable to ask you about now. If you give her the pictures, she'll find something else. I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to use the pictures as an opening to talk to you about all the old stuff in them.

Quit talking to her completely, imo.
posted by Nattie at 11:23 AM on February 26 [2 favorites]

Promises made before a breakup have absolutely no value after the relationship is done, so dont worry about that. You made a promise to your girlfriend, she is not your girlfriend anymore so the there is no promise to keep.
posted by BobbyDigital at 11:29 AM on February 26 [2 favorites]

Doesn't correlate with "she never asked back about the DVD until now, about one year later."

It does if the ex has moved to a foreign country and is spending time unpacking and settling into her life there.
posted by cmgonzalez at 11:44 AM on February 26

Even if it is an attempt to establish contact, send her cousin the pics.

If you don't send the pictures, you're lording something over her. You're being needlessly controlling. "I have something you want and something no one else can give you. It means nothing to me, and yet, I'm not going to give it to you." If you don't send the pictures, you're carrying the baggage of being a jerk when there was nothing to gain.

Honestly, this says more about you than her.
posted by 26.2 at 11:49 AM on February 26 [2 favorites]

What do you care if she uploads some with you in them?

I can think of a lot of reasons why the OP would not want to give his ex a buttload of pictures of him, especially given the previous thread. What if some of them are embarrassing and she spreads them all over the internet? (That picture of you getting shitfaced is funny until you're applying for a job and an HR person finds it where your ex posted it on 27 message boards.) What if she sends them out to mutual friends and the OP starts getting calls and emails from his friends about it? (Hey, Whatshername was just posting on Facebook about that time that you and her and I went to the beach and you guys were attached at the tonsils all day, remember that?) What if she turns into a crazy stalker? This last one isn't completely farfetched, given her willingness to contact him again and again despite being told firmly to go away.

I don't think you owe her anything. If you really want to be a good guy, hand the whole mess off to a friend you trust and ask him to go through the pictures for you, copy them, and send them. But I don't think you owe her anything, and at this point you might be better off keeping all contact severed as much as possible.
posted by marginaliana at 11:56 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

Not trying to be contrary here, but I had to comment because most of these responses are so different than what I would do.

This is someone you want out of your life, right? Unequivocally? I read this question but only skimmed the previous one.

Delete the pictures. All of them. Wipe them all out, reformat the disc drive, throw away any copies of the DVD you may have. They are just photos. Even if one of them is the only remaining photo of somebody's dead grandmother, they are just photos.

If this person attempts to contact you about this again, say, truthfully, "the photos are gone. I don't have them anymore and I'm not interested in talking to you about this or anything else."

These photos are preventing you from moving on. Whatever their value may be, they are currently a stumbling block to your future well-being. They are just digital photos - erase them and get on with your life.
posted by arcanecrowbar at 11:57 AM on February 26 [2 favorites]

I'm learning that the quickest way through pain is to experience it, not avoid it. Look at the pictures, sort them out, and burn a CD and send it however it suits you. It will be painful but it's pain you won't have to feel again. This is not about her, nor is it for her. It's for you.
posted by b33j at 12:01 PM on February 26 [1 favorite]

Delete the pictures. All of them. Wipe them all out, reformat the disc drive, throw away any copies of the DVD you may have. They are just photos. Even if one of them is the only remaining photo of somebody's dead grandmother, they are just photos.

Please do NOT do this. You don't care about the photos, but she does. If you delete them you're just being a huge asshole and it will come off as a huge stab to her.

But really... the "even if one of them was the last remaining photo of somebody's dead grandmother" bit? Really?

Have a heart.
posted by cmgonzalez at 12:09 PM on February 26 [2 favorites]

I'm in the "it was a bad break-up, she was immature and inconsiderate, but not evil and the pictures should be considered joint property so send them electronically" camp. If she had her cousin ask you on her behalf, that sounds like she's trying to respect your non-contact request, not looking for any reason to contact you. If you did have the DVD still and had sent it right away, there'd have been no reason to contact you herself.

If you could just delete the bunch but can't because there are photos in there you want to save for yourself, then that means at some point you are going to have to sit there for a couple hours and go through them all. So if I were you then I wouldn't feel any need to do it right now, but I'd just take it as the world giving me a sign that it's time to go through old photos and do some spring cleaning and reorganizing. When you're done, you can do whatever you want with your new stack of photos that you picked out for keeping.

Sam Harris wrote something to the effect that, when you feel like being mean to a person, you should remember that one day they are going to watch people they love die, possibly in a great deal of pain. And then one day people that love them will watch them die, possibly in a great deal of pain. I can't remember exactly what came next, I think it was something along the lines of--if you can look at them and imagine this, 95% of the time you'll naturally come to want to do the right thing. And if you still want to do the mean thing, then one of you is probably evil.

Also, sending electronically means there's no "DVD lost in shipping" pretext to contact you again.
posted by K.P. at 12:20 PM on February 26 [1 favorite]

Again, the people who say "She just wants to talk to you, she doesn't care about the pictures" have no idea what they're talking about. I mean seriously they have no idea. She could want the pictures or she could just want the contact, but just assuming the second is a dick move. And if she does want further contact after that, so what? then you can blow her off.

In fact, not giving her the pictures would actually give her more of an excuse to try to contact you. Just give her the pictures and they'll have a better claim on not talking to her.
posted by delmoi at 12:31 PM on February 26

My reluctance to send them mainly stems from the fact that if I don't want to go through them all, I would end up sending ones with me in them.

If you do decide to send the pictures, I suggest giving yourself permission not to be super rigorous about it. Go through them very quickly, burn only the ones that are clearly of her and her family (these types of shots tend to cluster), and be done with it. 3GB is a lot of pictures, and you are under no obligation to parse them all to make sure she has every last one she appears in. Then just send her what you collect and tell her not to bother you again.
posted by A Long and Troublesome Lameness at 12:41 PM on February 26

Please do NOT do this. You don't care about the photos, but she does. If you delete them you're just being a huge asshole and it will come off as a huge stab to her.

In my opinion he doesn't owe her anything, and this isn't a "huge stab." Burning a DVD of pictures is a small favor, and it's reasonable to expect friends to do favors like that for each other. But they aren't friends, and he's made it clear that he doesn't want to have any contact with her at all.

Once you piss someone off enough that they completely cut you out of their life, it's not reasonable for you to expect them to do you any favors. Some people seem to be suggesting that what she did was not worth cutting her out of his life (as opposed to if she had, for example, physically assaulted him), but that's the decision that he made. It's up to him whether giving th the pictures is the right thing to do or not, but deciding to continue having absolutely nothing to do with her is a valid option.
posted by burnmp3s at 12:43 PM on February 26 [1 favorite]

"My reluctance to send them mainly stems from the fact that if I don't want to go through them all, I would end up sending ones with me in them. If I do that I will just have to ask her not to upload any with me in them."

Based on her previous manipulative behavior, your reluctance is completely understandable; she could, and probably will, use this as another excuse to maintain contact with you by "accidentally" uploading pics with you in them until you are forced to confront her. Since you've already told her you no longer have the pictures, there really is no reason she should be contacting you other than her unhealthy desire to torment you further.

Burn the files without sorting through them (there's no reason to put yourself through that pain if you're not ready) and give the disk to a friend. Delete the files from your harddrive and move on. Later on, when you're in a better frame of mind and the thought of this girl and your past doesn't cause you so much heartache, you can ask for the disk back if you want it.

Right now, however, you need to delete those pictures and your ex from your life. You deserve to be happy, but as long as she still has this hold over you, you're not allowing yourself to be. Good luck.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 1:01 PM on February 26 [1 favorite]

In my opinion he doesn't owe her anything, and this isn't a "huge stab."

Bullshit, he still owes her the basic human decency we all owe each other.
posted by delmoi at 1:29 PM on February 26 [4 favorites]

When a man ignores a woman's unambiguous demands that he stay out of her life, we call it "stalking" and tell the woman to contact the police. We don't advise "Give in to his immediate demand so he'll go away."

If the woman's question was "I'm holding on to some sentimental pics of his and my ex is bugging me for copies. Should I send them to him?" the answer might be a little different than the answer to "My ex keeps calling me just to hear my voice on my voicemail message. What should I do?" Pretending these are equivalent is dishonest.
posted by almostmanda at 2:01 PM on February 26

Do yourself a favor and kill two birds with one stone... as suggested by others, get someone you know to go through the photos. Have that person send her only the pics where she is WITHOUT you (purposely reminding her that you two are not together), and have your friend permanently delete ALL photos of her (unless she can easily be cropped out by your friend). You will have fufilled her request, and you should try to look at this as a sort of cleansing of her out of both your computer and your life once and for all. Good luck, go forward, and be happy.
posted by walleeguy at 2:10 PM on February 26 [2 favorites]

Yeah, walleeguy has it. You don't owe her anything, but that sounds like a good compromise. Also, keeping her mom and the rest of her family on your contacts probably isn't a great idea either, if you're really trying to distance yourself. It sucks, but if you're really having a tough time, that's not going to help.
posted by electroboy at 2:23 PM on February 26

Hrm, interesting question.

The best and simplest suggestion would be to delete the pictures from your computer -- there's never been a point to keeping them anyway in the first place -- and say 'I lost the pictures, sorry'. You aren't required to explain how or why.

You have a long life ahead of you and the world is filled with billions of people with whom you can have many happy days. There'll be a bazillion other photo-ops. But for now definitely get rid of the pictures and all other similar things.

Good luck!
posted by the_ancient_mariner at 3:47 PM on February 26 [1 favorite]

I just want to add that the opposite of love isn't hate, nor fear, nor anger, nor spite. You are doing some of these. The opposite of love is indifference. It's the state where the other person has no influence upon your thoughts or actions. If you have not arrive at this stage, you are not over the breakup. You should make it your goal and responsibility to get to this place as soon as you can. On your way there, take as much energy and liberty as you want, but get there. Your future happiness depends on it. Time waits for no one, so hurry.

Caveat: Take liberty in your actions, but with moderation. Generally, people will empathize with your situation and be more tolerant during your heartbreak. However, not everyone will be sympathetic, and all will run out of patience eventually. Don't take advantage of others, but insist on your rights to free yourself.

View from this perspective, it doesn't matter what you do. What's important is what you think. Choose the action that give you the most peace, and peace that the moment is indifference toward your ex. After that, if you feel magnanimous, you can help her to be indifferent to you, be at peace with you and the past. Help yourself first though.
posted by curiousZ at 7:08 PM on February 26 [1 favorite]

Hmm. I take back my earlier comment as I didn't know much about what to do. I think walleeguy has the right idea now -- get someone else who is sympathetic to your situation to do the legwork, to get it over with and to emphasize to her that "Hon, he also asked me to tell you to buzz the fuck off, mkay?"

Well, maybe not in those words, but you know what I mean.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:38 PM on February 26

You guys had a bad breakup, that's all. Telling her to fuck off about this fairly reasonable request is pretty much bringing yourself down to that same level of immaturity: ha ha I have photos but you were mean to me so now I will be mean to you too so you can't have them neener neener.

Agreed. Send her the photos and pat yourself on the back for being the bigger person.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:28 PM on February 26 [3 favorites]

Fascinating to see the width and breadth of responses... . To each their own in terms of dealing with these sorts of things, what feels right in what time-frames.

Getting a friend to go through the pictures is still dealing with something hurtful, be it a matter of posting them to Flickr or similar.

Call, talk to or email friend, friend comes over, friend creates Flickr acct, etc., Or, DVD gets burned or they're copied on a USB drive and the media storage is mailed. That's being reminded of/dealing with something that strikes you at this time as unhealthy/not desirable.

Me thinks you're more than reasonable to decline what would be scratching at a wound. Maybe it would be a purging and you'd feel better, maybe not. Feels far from unreasonable/unhealthy if you think, "Maybe it'd be some pain for some gain and maybe not so I'll err on the side of caution."

Operationally, with the prospect of mailing, no guess about various things (distance to post office, usual length of line at post office, amount of postage required, etc.) Having mailed things large and small to foreign countries, there is often appreciably more time and expense involved than, say, jotting out something on a postcard you have in your desk, getting a stamp you have in your desk... .

However the pics might be made available, as someone noted, hard to say how or when you, friends, other people might come across them and what might come of it--if there are ones of you hammered or otherwise.

That aside, if someone says "no contact," and the person to whom this is said contacts them indirectly, it feels a slippery/questionable way of getting around that. True, we do not know of the ex's motivations and Nthing the thought that she is not Evil, but there is ample reason to think it reasonable that this is selfish, game-playing, etc.

As difficult as things sound, Nthing the thought that at least for a while, it might be best to not have contact with her family members. There will be a point when it will be less than trivial to have a thought of ____ or an e-mail or call from ____'s cousin or ___'s mom, but that point ain't now. Up to you to decide if the pain/gain equation is worth it at the moment, but seems like right now, it's not. And that seems more than reasonable.

Bottom line: For any number of reasons operational and otherwise, I don't begin to see it as a "babyish dick move" or you being an "asshole" if you politely relate to the appropriate person that the images will not be provided.
posted by ambient2 at 3:32 AM on February 27

She is asking you for a favour and you don't want to provide the favour for your own reasons (pain, time, violating your own no-contact rule etc). No one is OBLIGED to do every favour that is asked of them.
posted by saucysault at 6:20 AM on February 27 [2 favorites]

I agree with walleeguy. Just get it over with, you're going to have to get rid of her photos someday. And after doing this one thing, never respond to another request.

And to the idea that he somehow owes her the photos, that is ridiculous. Just because you are in a photograph does not mean you have any right to it. His camera, his film, his time.
posted by mattsweaters at 11:59 AM on February 27