Did I just go out on a date?
February 23, 2009 7:33 PM   Subscribe

I’m concerned that I may have inadvertently gone out on a date recently. Please advise.

On a business trip a few weeks back, I hit it off with a very charming colleague from my organization. We were both in town to work an event and had never met previously. We met right before the event and immediately hit it off. Since both of us were stuck in this boring town for the night, we agreed to get together for drinks or dinner that evening.

Well, I let her choose the spot and she of course chose a VERY expensive and kinda-romantic foodie joint downtown. We met up, had a great time, ate a fantastic meal, drank a few glasses of wine and really hit if off. We split the check. I had a mix-up with my hotel that night and was trying to find another place to stay, so she recommended where she was staying.

After dinner we left in separate cars for the hotel. I got lost trying to find the place and eventually found my way there to check-in when my colleague came down to see me in the lobby. We chatted some more and she suggested we eat breakfast together. She also told me her room number and said she will be up there all night working if I wanted some company. It was about 1 am at that point.

I, like a dumbass, didn’t think much of it and promptly went to sleep in my room. My colleague didn’t show for breakfast the next day and I didn’t give the encounter much thought until today when I realized I may have inadvertently led her on.

I never mentioned I was in a relationship and I’m kind of flirty by nature. But I don’t remember making overtly romantic gestures. I’m asking this because I’ve been in a relationship for over 4 years now and, prior to that, I didn’t date much. I was (still am?) kinda clueless about human relations in general.

So what do you think? Was that a date? Was I leading this nice girl along?
posted by willie11 to Human Relations (34 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
I'm absolutely awful with social interaction, and obviously I was not there, but playing monday morning quarterback, yes, I would say that she probably interpreted the situation differently than you did, and it's possible you (inadvertently) hurt her feelings.
posted by kbanas at 7:40 PM on February 23, 2009


Dude, I'm one of the most clueless people on the planet when it comes to this stuff (truly), but when someone tells you that they'll be up in their room if you want to hang out...and it's one am...well, she was hoping you'd show up because she wanted to hook up. I wouldn't call it a "date" though.

Next time you're talking with someone new, casually mention the girlfriend. Not "OH LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY GIRLFRIEND! JUST SO YOU KNOW!" but while you're talking you can say something like, "oh that reminds me of this book my girlfriend told me about, it's about this guy who hiked the Appalachian Trail, and bla bla bla."
posted by AlisonM at 7:46 PM on February 23, 2009 [7 favorites]


I'm pretty sure she wanted your bone. I think there have been very few adults who EVER invited a person back to their hotel room between the hours of 1am-6am without sex on the brain. I'm not sure if "leading her on" is the right way of thinking about this. It seems, from your story, most of the overt gestures were on her part. If you are happy in your relationship and in your career things probably went as well as could be expected.

I think you just need to chalk this one up as a boost for your ego and a lesson to not buy flirty co workers romantic dinners expecting then not to want your penis.
posted by JimmyJames at 7:48 PM on February 23, 2009 [6 favorites]


I got lost trying to find the place and eventually found my way there to check-in when my colleague came down to see me in the lobby. We chatted some more and she suggested we eat breakfast together. She also told me her room number and said she will be up there all night working if I wanted some company. It was about 1 am at that point.


It's enormously likely that she wanted to sleep with you, and a whole night of talking where you "never mentioned" your relationship was a deliberate omission. Maybe you wanted the option of something happening - or maybe you wanted the ego boost from finding out whether you could have hooked up - but there was no accidental "misunderstanding". I wouldn't worry about the lady, who I'm sure has forgotten the whole thing, but I would worry about how you aren't being honest with yourself about what was going on.
posted by moxiedoll at 7:52 PM on February 23, 2009 [8 favorites]


It wasn't a date because you didn't know it was - it was a flirty dinner between two people sort of feeling each other out. Sounds like she got signals that she interpreted as saying you might be interested, and she opened the door for more interaction - and rather intimate and swift interaction, too. You didn't take her up on it, though, so she probably shrugged it off and figured you had changed your mind, or whatever.

You didn't lead her on intentionally. You just neglected to mention your 4-year relationship during the course of a dinner out with someone. Maybe you talked about work the entire time, but...I have a hard time carrying on a multi-hour conversation without at least mentioning my SO. Even to the extent of saying "We" enough times, as in "Yeah, one of our favorite places to go is the Cape...well, we go to Boston for a show now and then..." etc. Women listen for this. If they don't hear it after a couple of hours of normal conversation, they start to think maybe no one's in the picture. That's probably what happened here.
posted by Miko at 7:52 PM on February 23, 2009


...and what moxiedoll says is worth thinking about: if you don't drop a "we" here and there, why not? How do you avoid it? Is it on purpose? Do you stop yourself mentioning your relationship? You say you're flirty by nature - that's nice, but it's a hazard that if you flirt with people, they may flirt back. You need to give clearer signals and set some boundaries.
posted by Miko at 7:55 PM on February 23, 2009 [2 favorites]


Actually, I think what happened is ok, and you might've inadvertently handled it properly. It was a pretty ambiguous situation all night until she invited you up to her room. That was her way of signaling which way she wanted it to go. You not showing up was a signal to her that you wanted it to go the other way. Message clear, so she didn't come to breakfast.

Even if you had realized what was going on at the time of the invite upstairs, it seems like that would've been your response anyway, so what's the difference? She may feel like she lost face inviting you up, but I'm sure you can work through it as professionals. It does make life easier for others if you casually clarify your situation early on, though.
posted by parkerjackson at 8:04 PM on February 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


and she of course chose a VERY expensive and kinda-romantic foodie joint

Not sure I understand the significance of "of course" in this sentence. In the context of the rest of your story, especially your managing to leave out a huge detail of your personal status during a four-hour dinner, that particular choice of words can make you sound arrogant and like you did lead her on. But on the other hand, if she assumed you were "available" without having actually confirmed it with you, part of the blame goes on her if she felt disappointed and embarrassed because her come on didn't work.
posted by fuse theorem at 8:23 PM on February 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Well, I wouldn't have called it a 'date' per se. However, she was most definitely into you and wanted it to be one. When she mentioned that she was "working all night in her room, in case you wanted some company", she meant "I'll be waiting in my room for you, in case you want to sleep with me." Now, you might have led her on especially when you agreed to the restaurant and never mentioned a SO. However, if through the course of a romanitc set dinner and the invitation to breakfast there wasn't a mention of your 4 year relationship, I can say that she probably thought that you felt the same way as she did. When she mentioned the room, that was definitely your time to mention your relationship such as, "well, I'd love to, but I have to call so-and-so, because I told her that I would call as soon as I get settled." Even if you did mention a SO during the course of the evening (Some women don't care if you are single, married, or otherwise taken. If they want to sleep with you, they will try.) But, if you did not give an excuse as to why you didn't want to join her in her room, she more than likely felt "stood up." Also, I don't believe that she has forgotten. So, be prepared for a cold-shoulder if you ever have to see her again.
posted by kochanie at 8:27 PM on February 23, 2009


Just FWIW, I don't think it says anything about the OP for not happening to mention his girlfriend. There are plenty of people I know in passing (even those who I've eaten dinner with) who aren't aware of my relationship status just because we never happen to talk about anything that causes me to mention my SO.

But I'm one of those people clueless enough that unless a woman did something overtly sexual I wouldn't know that's what she was looking for.
posted by wierdo at 8:30 PM on February 23, 2009


Yeah, I don't think you led her on exactly, but I do think she was clearly hoping for some post-dinner action. An invite for "some company" in her room post 1AM almost has to mean sexy time.
posted by MsMolly at 8:33 PM on February 23, 2009


Nope, I'm in the "you lead her on" camp (unconsciously, but it's still true). If you accidentally forgot to mention your SigO all night long, while flirting with someone, that's no accident.
posted by IAmBroom at 8:33 PM on February 23, 2009 [1 favorite]


Why? Did you get a hard look, trying to explain it when you got home?

Nothing really adds up in your story. It's difficult for me to imagine someone who describes them-self as " flirty by nature", being also "kinda clueless about human relations in general".
posted by bonobothegreat at 8:39 PM on February 23, 2009 [8 favorites]


Actually, I think what happened is ok, and you might've inadvertently handled it properly.

What this person said. I think you stumbled into an effective way of handling it at the time, although there may be some weird feelings lingering. As in, "Wow, that dude sure is clueless," or "OMG, I'm so embarrassed, I threw myself at him, and now I can't look at him."

Be nice to her. Do something honest and friendly for her, but something that is also overtly non-flirty.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:47 PM on February 23, 2009


Best answer: I am a little stuck on "kind of flirty by nature." Nothing wrong with that. Most women - married me included - might like a little flirty attention from unavailable men. Especially if it seems to be not entirely universal, but motivated - as it seems to have been here - by a genuine sense that someone likes me and enjoys my company.

BUT - if you know that you're "kind of flirty by nature," you really need to get into the habit of making your status clearer from the beginning. Otherwise you really have an advantage. You know it's fun harmless flirting, and the woman doesn't. You are not risking anything, and she is taking a risk by sending unmistakable signs of sexual interest - even though you didn't pick up on them at the time, it did hit you eventually, right? So she exposed something to you, but you were not exposed. Making your status clear evens the field.

You didn't ask how to handle it if you see her again, but there actually is a take on this that's flattering to her. Totally unmotivated by any desire to get in her pants, you simply - liked her. I somewhat disagree with the person who said that she expected you and felt stood up. If I had put the feeler out that she did and had not gotten a pretty direct response - because men are not usually noncommittal about offers of sex - I would assume I was getting a gentle putoff. Being clueless here was actually kinder than responding to this offer by saying "Hey, I have a girlfriend."

If you see this woman again, and you are concerned for her feelings, you should not betray the slightest sign that you were aware of any romantic take on the evening. Just approach her as a person whose company you really enjoyed - but mention the SO as casually as you can. Her takeaway should be "This guy is kind of sweetly clueless...but apparently enjoys my company."

If you want to make this all easier, marry your girlfriend and get a ring!
posted by Betsy Vane at 8:54 PM on February 23, 2009 [3 favorites]


Best answer: Why? Did you get a hard look, trying to explain it when you got home?

Nothing really adds up in your story. It's difficult for me to imagine someone who describes them-self as " flirty by nature", being also "kinda clueless about human relations in general".


This. In fact, nothing OP did was untoward in any way, except apparently mask every common male instinct such that he had noooo idea that anything was going on until he woke up the next day...If this story had ended with him realizing she was into him after she recommended her hotel, presumably in a smoky sexy voice like an early Kathleen Turner or basically threw a gladiator bolo at him to get him into her hotel room, it would make sense...but how does this not occur to you during any moment of dinner or conversation? As a somewhat clueless guy who's flirty by nature myself, I've even had evenings out with elderly female relatives where I thought, just for second, wait, no, this isn't, is it? You did lead her on, dude, not by action but by inattention to basic rules of hetero gender relations, to whit, "if you are anywhere with someone of the opposite gender ponder (as briefly as possible) whether it is or could be assumed by anyone that you are on a date." If you want to stay faithful you'll find that being honest with yourself about what's going on around you really is the best way to avoid snapping out of self-denial right after you find yourself making out in a Cracker Barrel with your great-aunt Eileen. Let's just say for example.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:42 PM on February 23, 2009 [11 favorites]


The thing that I guess is possible, but something I find hard to believe, is that you spent all this time with this woman and you never mentioned your gf. Even in reference to her in a story you were telling. The fact that you didn't tells me you were keeping your options open.
posted by zardoz at 11:12 PM on February 23, 2009 [3 favorites]


I, like a dumbass, didn’t think much of it and promptly went to sleep in my room.

A dumbass for...not taking her up on her offer? Is that what you mean?
posted by artdrectr at 11:55 PM on February 23, 2009


Not a date. Platonic relating between 2 human beings. That's all it was. Just 2 human beings sharing food and experiences. Bless it and leave it in peace.
posted by watercarrier at 2:09 AM on February 24, 2009


If you split the bill it wasn't really a date. But she almost certainly wanted to fuck you.
posted by The Monkey at 3:47 AM on February 24, 2009


1. 95% of the time, it's a date when one person asks the other? Did this happen? [See no. 2]

2. How exactly did it come to pass that you "agreed to get together" for drinks/dinner?

3. Right when she suggested the fancy restaurant, you knew something was up, or know now and should have known then, since you refer to it as "of course." You realize that fancy restaurant equals datey atmosphere.

4. It's strange that you "hit it off." That's usually (although not exclusively) a phrase that I use and hear reserved for two people intent on being more than platonic.

5. Probably was not a good idea to mention your "hotel troubles." If a guy started in with me, "Oh gee, whatever shall I do, such a mix-up with my hotel, nowhere to stay...." I'd think the guy was trying to sleep with me, looking to get an invitation to my hotel(room). And most men who've spent the last few hours hitting it off with me at a fancy restaurant without mentioning a girlfriend/wife are interested in sleeping with me.

6. What do you know, you took her up on the offer of her hotel. She tells you her room number and invites you up. What did you say to this? What were your exact words in response? "Okay, maybe" or "No thanks, I'm tired" or "LOL blank stare?"

I would consider her behavior as throwing herself at you, but then again I'm a Rules hardliner. However, you did nothing to discourage her advances. If you think you're so clueless about this stuff, take some precautions and set some rules and boundaries for your interactions with strange women.

Also, she won't forget this or just toss it off as win-some-lose-some. I don't anticipate you finding your tires slashed or anything, but things will be awkward next time.
posted by thebazilist at 6:41 AM on February 24, 2009 [5 favorites]


I'm definitely in the "date" camp, but I don't think the OP really knew what was going on all along, and is just posting the anecdote for some sort of ego boost. To me, it doesn't seem to fit that he not only purposefully lead this woman on, but also went to the trouble to start an AskMeFi discussion about it, questioning if this whole interaction was misleading.
posted by craven_morhead at 6:58 AM on February 24, 2009


I never mentioned I was in a relationship and I’m kind of flirty by nature.

1) It was a date.

2) If you're eating dinner, and having a great time, and drinking, and having great discussions, I really doubt that your conversation just revolved around work. You omitted mentioning your girlfriend which makes you an ass.

3) You can't know that you are flirty by nature and claim to be clueless about human/female interaction. If you are clueless about how to interact with other people, you would be unaware of your own "flirty" nature. This, really, is a cop out and you're trying to justify your behavior after the fact. See #2.

I, like a dumbass, didn’t think much of it and promptly went to sleep in my room.

4) So you're a dumbass for not sleeping with her when you had that chance? See #2.

5) You didn't inadvertently go on a date. You went on a date willingly. You refused to notice the danger signs, refused to care, and refused to be self-aware of your own behavior until after the fact. I'm with craven_morhead and I'm thinking you enjoyed the attention this woman gave you, are still on a "high" after it, and you're trying to continue being an attention whore about the whole thing.

6) So if you're looking for a high five, see #2.
posted by Stynxno at 7:42 AM on February 24, 2009 [8 favorites]


I think you opened the door when you had "a mix up with your hotel". I travel for business several times a month. If there's a hotel problem, I don't wait until after a long dinner to find a spot to sleep for the evening. I don't know of anyone else who does that either. It would not be unreasonable for her to assume that your "mix up" was a lie to get you to her hotel.

What did you say when she invited you up to her room? If you firmly said no, then case closed. If you were sort of wavering and maybe-ing, then you were leading her on.

If you want to make this all easier, marry your girlfriend and get a ring!
As a woman who travels alone, I'll tell you a ring is no deterrent. It seems that there are a lot of men (and perhaps women) who feel that a business trip is a permission slip to hook up. I still get hit on frequently when I travel by myself.
posted by 26.2 at 8:19 AM on February 24, 2009 [1 favorite]


BUT - if you know that you're "kind of flirty by nature," you really need to get into the habit of making your status clearer from the beginning. Otherwise you really have an advantage. You know it's fun harmless flirting, and the woman doesn't.

Hear, hear! One other thing about this supposed harmless flirting you should know is that many single people, not having an SO to go home to, actually have goals in mind when they are flirting and don´t particularly want to waste a lot of time flirting with someone unavailable. For me personally, if I´m out at a bar, I really don´t want to get into a long flirtatious exchange with someone who is unavailable when I could be using my limited time there to meet someone who is. I´m sure this woman thought that you were interested in her and stayed up a while past 1 in the morning hoping you would show up -- if she had known that you were not available, she might have preferred to do something else with her time, like sleep or catch up with her work.
posted by yohko at 9:42 AM on February 24, 2009 [2 favorites]


I'm with Miko. It wasn't a date but she was into you and was hoping for more.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 10:15 AM on February 24, 2009


Response by poster: Yikes MeFites. Thanks for the input but for goodness sake, chill out on the personal accusations. This was a friendly question, not an invite for an intervention.

So, it's obvious that I was clueless and kinda led this nice girl on. For that, I now feel awful.

The "like a dumbass" comment was not, "I was a dumbass for not following her to her room", it was in reference to me not linking the after 1am invite with anything romantic.
For background, both of us are union organizers and part of the job involves frequent lonely nights away from home in strange hotel rooms. It's not at all uncommon for union folks to meet up in these situations. It's also not uncommon for us to work until 3 am. We both had work to do that night and had talked about it over dinner. That's one of the reason I, "like a dumbass", didn't think much of her comment about having some company while we worked. Truthfully, we talked about work 75% of the time. It's what we do in this line of employment. So few people can relate to what we do and the lives we lead that it's nice to be among brothers and sisters with similar experiences.

Thinking back on it, there may have been a small aspect of ego boost to this query but it certainly didn't end up boosting anything. I really feel bad for this very nice woman whose company I really enjoyed and will probably not be able enjoy again.

I don't have all that many friends and certainly don't have any romantic encounters outside of the SO so I'm pretty clueless when it comes to dating and, well, women in general. My total gooberdom on these matters was what prompted this question, not some sad longing for a digital "high-five." If I wanted that, I could have gotten real high-fives from the bros sans sanctimony.

But thanks for the responses anyhow, they were really informative for the most part. FYI, I told my girlfriend about the encounter this morning and, while she was a little perturbed, she thought it was more funny than anything else. Thanks folks!
posted by willie11 at 11:04 AM on February 24, 2009


I really feel bad for this very nice woman whose company I really enjoyed and will probably not be able enjoy again.

Not so fast. This will be exactly as awkward as you make it. Next time your see that woman in a professional environment, go and talk to her. If you act all weird, then she's going to feel as though she made a fool of herself. Instead, be friendly and warm and professional. If there's a group going to dinner, be sure you invite her with the group. (Group!)

By your account, she's a nice person who simply misread your intentions. I'm sure you've been rebuffed by women in your past. Do you want them to avoid you like the plague? Of course not. There's no reason to make this a big whoop.
posted by 26.2 at 12:53 PM on February 24, 2009 [2 favorites]


I really feel bad for this very nice woman whose company I really enjoyed and will probably not be able enjoy again.

Yes, I'm with 26.2. Sometimes people read other people's signals wrong and think they're open for something that they're not actually available for. It's not a huge deal, or even that awkward. Just ignore it and move on and continue to enjoy collegial interaction with her, just like you do with your other interesting colleagues.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:10 PM on February 24, 2009


FYI, I told my girlfriend about the encounter this morning and, while she was a little perturbed, she thought it was more funny than anything else.

Wow, she's a saint. If my husband went out for a four-hour dinner alone with some woman and didn't mention me once, I'd [comment redacted]
posted by desjardins at 2:27 PM on February 24, 2009


it's difficult to answer you because even *I'm* getting mixed signals from you. You claim to be awful at human relations, yet describe yourself as "flirty" and show that you know how to be flirty and the responses that this behavior can evoke from women. None of us was present during the time that you spent with this woman, so we cannot comment on the looks you gave her, the language you used, etc. I'd say that if you are concerned that you may have been flirty and led her on, you probably are correct in your assessment. However, you asked if you were on a date. I would say that you were not; you were engaged in a friendly dinner with a colleague, you were
posted by Piscean at 3:58 PM on February 24, 2009


(Reposting my answer, as the first one didn't post completely)

It's difficult to answer you because even *I'm* getting mixed signals from you. You claim to be awful at human relations, yet describe yourself as "flirty" and show that you know how to be flirty and the responses that this behavior can evoke from women. None of us was present during the time that you spent with this woman, so we cannot comment on the looks you gave her, the language you used, etc. I'd say that if you are concerned that you may have been flirty and led her on, you probably are correct in your assessment. However, you asked if you were on a date. I would say that you were not; you were engaged in a friendly dinner with a colleague, you were mutually interested in one another, you split the check, and you went into your separate rooms. To me, a date is something you mutually plan.
posted by Piscean at 4:00 PM on February 24, 2009


You guys are union organizers? I'm going to guess that she's likely thick-skinned enough and socially-adept enough for things to be totally normal when you see her again. The "work until 3 am" thing changes it for me somewhat, too. She sounds socially skilled, and I'd imagine she's getting other offers, so I wouldn't worry about it too much.
posted by salvia at 10:20 PM on February 24, 2009


I also second the mixed signals thing. I've been on uh...a good chunk of accidental dates where I thought we were just grabbing a bite to eat and it turned out he had Intentions (oops), but I am still amazed that your SO somehow never ever once came up in all that time of hanging out with her. People with SO's well...talk about 'em. The only ones who never mention having one are ones where the relationship isn't going well/you want to cheat. I pretty much think you stumbled your way into a date/leading her on here after all that time, and the room stuff, though. Also, the "I'm socially clueless but I flirt" thing? Bad idea to do, man.

Even if you really really honestly for truth didn't mean to lead her on, well... I think you really need to think about your actions next trip when you're left to your own devices, or think about your girlfriend and how the relationship is going. I smell a rat here, even if you aren't quite aware of it yourself.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:59 PM on February 24, 2009


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