Living with OCD

February 23, 2009 4:27 AM

I'm moving in with my girlfriend, her brother and his girlfriend. He's been diagnosed with OCD. How can I make the best of the situation?

I'm not sure exactly what his obsessions & compulsions are, but as an example I know he often has real troubles getting to places on time. I'm unaware of others but I'm sure there are more.

How can I be a positive rather than a negative influence in his life? What resources should I read to learn more about this condition? Thank you!

posted by simplesharps to human relations (16 comments total)

I know he often has real troubles getting to places on time

Makes me sound OCD! OCD is not a standard set of 'issues', and a diagnosis of OCD could mean many things. Be careful with any assumptions -- as those could negative influences. Don't try to fix his problems (easy as it may seem) and become an enabler instead. Don't be critical of any OCD tendancies ("Jesus jack, do you REALLY need to wash those dishes twice every time?") or persuasive ("You know jack; they are clean after one washing").

Why not wait it out? I am sure you have time to casually discuss it with him (let him bring it up -- or someone else).
posted by SirStan at 4:45 AM on February 23

I had a roommate with OCD once. I just tried to be tolerant of her OCD behaviors (in her case, strange food obsessions) and treat her like a normal person. If you're patient and spend some time with him, you'll eventually get to the point where you can see his "regular" personality through the OCD symptoms. OCD (at least the variety that my roommie had) does not directly affect the personality/ability to relate to other people the way other mental illnesses do. After a few months, I learned to see my roommate's OCD as almost a physical disability rather than a mental one -- it really was like she almost had this physical compulsion to do the things she did, and you just sort of ignore that and keep on relating to her like you would to anyone else.
posted by footnote at 5:43 AM on February 23

Having known several people diagnosed with OCD, and one of them very intimately, my recommendation is to stay the fuck out of his way and not attempt to be a "positive influence". I mean, yes, by all means, be his friend, but directly confronting his OCD is going to get you nowhere, and is going to aggravate him. Reasoning about it will not help, even a little bit. He already knows his behavior is illogical or irrational and wishes he could not do it. He may well feel embarrassed by his behavior. Drawing his attention to the fact that you've noticed whatever weird thing he's doing isn't going to help anybody.

I don't like SirStan's use of the term "enabler". It implies that the behavior is the disease, like drinking alcohol for an alcoholic; and that by impeding the act, you might somehow be doing something for his own good. It's between him and his therapist which behaviors or cognitions he's targeting at the time. It will probably be much easier all around if you ignore or indulge his eccentricities. Don't promote them, but unless they're causing you harm or discomfort or he's explicitly asked for your help, there's no reason that you should make any attempt whatsoever to curb his actions.

Out of all of the nonstandard psychologies that I've personally witnessed, OCD has got to be the most personally disruptive, frustrating, and difficult to beat.* It seems to resist therapy, and absolutely cannot be touched with reason or logic. One friend did have excellent results managing his OCD with occasional but routine use of LSD and hallucinogenic mushrooms--but, he had experienced and loving support to get him through the first rather unpleasant trip, as well as a highly developed introspective sense. I really don't recommend that you walk in the door with a sheet of blotter.

However, SirStan is right on the money about making assumptions. You have literally no idea how his OCD manifests itself. One of my friends showed "stereotypical" cleanliness behaviors, while the other (far closer) friend didn't exhibit any behaviors I identified as OCD until years into our relationship--although, in retrospect, with a more concrete theory of his mind, I did later identify a number of behaviors over those years.

If I were you, I would do my level best not to make your relationship with him about OCD. While it is possible that his illness is so pervasive that it permeates every interaction with the world, I think that's unlikely. Treat him like everybody else, and overlook his eccentricities. They're not really any of your business anyway.

*Please note, I did say "that I've personally witnessed". I recognize that there are all sorts of disruptive mental illnesses. But, I'm talking about my personal experience.
posted by Netzapper at 5:44 AM on February 23

I should have previewed.

This is right on the money: "does not directly affect the personality/ability to relate to other people the way other mental illnesses do. After a few months, I learned to see my roommate's OCD as almost a physical disability rather than a mental one".
posted by Netzapper at 5:47 AM on February 23

Being diagnosed implies he's under the care of a doctor and/or psychiatrist, and likely is on medication for it. Don't ask us - the best thing you can do is, as early in the arrangement as you can (ideally before but it seems you're committed to it), have two conversations about it. Firstly with your girlfriend. Ask her what it's like to live with him, if there's anything you should do or avoid doing. Secondly, with the guy himself: "Jack, your sister tells me you've been diagnosed with OCD. What can I do to help? Is there anything I should do, or avoid doing?"

Take heart, the fact that your girlfriend is willing to live with him, and he has a girlfriend of his own who is willing to live with him, implies he's probably not too badly off.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 5:50 AM on February 23

I'm not sure exactly what his obsessions & compulsions are, but as an example I know he often has real troubles getting to places on time.

If you're going to make any difference (and I wouldn't count on it), you need to know more than this. His OCD might be minor. Or not. For your sake, find out before you move in.

He could be late because he checks all of the electrical stuff 18 times first, which may largely be his problem and will at least set your mind at rest that the oven is off and the iron wasn't left plugged in, because a certain someone checked everything 18 times on the way out. Or he may be late because he takes two hours to use the toilet before he goes anywhere, doing god knows what in there 18 times each, in which case you'd at least better be sure there are two toilets in the place.

Much of what you can and cannot do will become obvious after you move in and become his friend and learn the details.
posted by pracowity at 5:59 AM on February 23

My Grandfather was a Fitter and Turner. The recipients of his work found it absolutely faultless, but his employer eventually asked him to retire. Perfection wasn't their concern, it just had to be "good enough" and done quickly.

OCD isn't always a problem as such, it depends on your perspective. It was bad because it ultimately got him fired but otherwise why would you change a thing? What's wrong with being able to stake your life on the fact something is precise? I mean for you as a consumer "What? Some guy with OCD made this... Can't they get him some meds for that?" No way! The guy with OCD is your friend.

Like I said - depends on your perspective. Not all OCD people are sad, waiting for you to come rescue them. All you need to know is what you're dealing with here so you can stay out of its path. That's actually a lot more helpful than you might think.
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 7:09 AM on February 23

Imagine him posting this question: "I'm moving in with my girlfriend, my sister and his boyfriend. He's been confirmed as a busybody. How can I make the best of the situation?"

But seriously, everyone has their own little things that come out via living together, diagnosed with OCD or not. You are going to have to deal with him as you'd deal with any other roommate (incl the 2 you aren't worried about), which is by talking about specific behaviors that piss you off like an adult. Any mental illnesses that do not immediately come up upon living together are none of your concern (and this stands even if you are for example, a mental health professional day to day).
posted by shownomercy at 8:11 AM on February 23

Don't fret over it. My dad is OCD and none of us noticed until he was diagnosed a few years ago.
posted by valadil at 8:16 AM on February 23

As other have said, OCD can be used to describe be a pretty broad range of behaviors. It's nice that you're trying hard to make it the best for all concerned but relax, it's not up to you to research his condition and formulate some kind of plan to help. Just try to be a conscientious, friendly roommate and you've covered all the bases. I've got mild OCD that really only cycles into unwieldy proportions during times of heightened worry but it's not a neatness thing (more like "even handed, path choosing"), and I'd be too embarrassed to demand anyone else partake in it. If he uses it as an excuse to exercise some kind of weird dominion over the shared space, then that's kind of dickish and shouldn't be indulged.
posted by bonobothegreat at 8:31 AM on February 23

If there are things that affect all of you but don't bother you in any way, please consider allowing them- one of my things was needing to check the time on the three wall clocks twelve times teach o be sure each of them was set twelve minutes ahead of the official time on the computer. It was irritating to my roomies for the first while (they knew about the OCD), but with a five minute chat they agreed that they could live with it after I explained exactly why the times were off- on the condition I let them know if I moved them back to official time so they could stop subtracting twelve minutes every time they looked at the clock.

Totally not your job to research and have a plan to deal with him, but it's cool you're taking the initiative- my roomies said later that they just became a lot more tolerant of the habits of others in general (coworkers, family, other friends) that previously irritated the crap out of them.
posted by variella at 9:41 AM on February 23

A lot is going to depend on the severity of his illness. As others have noted, some forms of OCD are barely noticeable except that you have an unnaturally clean kitchen all the time and BY GOD the coffeepot is turned off. I would not be particularly concerned about this.

On the other hand, I lived with my boyfriend, who suffered from severe OCD, for three years. It started out fairly mild - he preferred it if I didn't touch doorknobs, because they might be germ-contaminated. And then he was laid off (unrelated to the OCD) and stressed out and it escalated to the point where he could barely stand for me to keep anything in the refrigerator (because it was contaminated) and he handled his house keys with latex gloves (because they were contaminated) and he flipped out when I tried to clean the grotty stove (because it was contaminated) and he insisted that we sit on garbage bags on the sofa to watch TV (because the sofa was contaminated). There was literally nothing I could touch/do without first checking to see if it was okay, and heaven help me if I *did* touch something that wasn't okay because then *I* had to wash my hands six times before I could touch *him* and even then he was twitchy and miserable. This extended well beyond the apartment; there were certain regions of town that were no-go zones because they were too close to meat-packing plants or McDonalds, and anyone who worked in or near these locations was also contaminated.

It depends. And it is a hard, hard disease to live with, because each concession you make can validate the symptoms but each time you refuse to concede you make this person miserable. In some ways the close familial relationship could make this harder to deal with because it's not a random roommate you're making miserable, it's your girlfriend's brother.

I don't want to scare you off here, but I strongly suggest that you have a serious talk with your girlfriend about exactly what his obsessions or compulsions are before you move in. Be aware that there is a hugely broad range of symptoms of this illness and that there is likely to be little to nothing that you can do to influence him in either a positive or negative direction.

Figure out what you can live with before you live with it.
posted by fuzzbean at 9:42 AM on February 23

I have OCD sort of. I don't think it makes me any kind of particular roomate. Mine is the reoccuring disturbing thought kind. I guess if I had a roomate and they were trying to "deal" with my OCD I'd find it pretty annoying. I deal with it so you don't have to.

Then again reading Fuzzbean above, I guess she's right. It depends. For me I think you'd never even notice it. But my aunt had the handwashing thing pretty bad, and you'd definitely notice that.
posted by sully75 at 10:47 AM on February 23

Seconding bonobothegreat. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a broad category; for some people it is terribly debilitating, for others, a minor annoyance. For example, my OCD- like Bonobo's- tends to flair up mostly during stressful times and in anxiety provoking situations. It sounds like Fuzzbean's BF has a more serious case.

One thing to remember is that it is just an anxiety disorder. A person suffering from OCD is worrying excessively about a particular fear, albeit an unrealistic and irrational one. The same way you worry about paying your credit card bill or impressing your boss, the OCD person worries about germ contamination, or acting innapropriately.

The person probably realizes the worry is silly from an objective standpoint, but an obsessive fear presents itself as more persistant- and intrusive- than normal. The OCD sufferer just can't "let go" of worrying the same way you can. Fear and anxiety drive the cycle, and cause the person to return to worrying about the same subject, over and over again. Compulsions (sometimes physical, sometimes mental) are just actions the OCD person has developed as a method of temporary anxiety relief.

If you want to read more on it, Dr. Philipson's OCDOnline is a free and great place to start. Some books that are helpful explaining the disease and its issues are "Stop Obsessing" by Edna Foa, and "The Imp of the Mind" by Lee Baer. Both are leading experts in the field.
posted by HabeasCorpus at 10:54 AM on February 23

[In the interest of clarity, this was my ex-boyfriend. Sorry for the extra post.]
posted by fuzzbean at 11:01 AM on February 23

Wiki Post
posted by captainsohler at 11:31 AM on February 23