The Conquering Hero "Comes"

February 22, 2009 10:19 PM

My girlfriend can't get me to orgasm. Plenty of NSFWness inside.

My girlfriend and I have, in short, reached third base in our relationship: fingers, hands and tongues everywhere. No sex (yet). She's the female equivalent of Jizz In My Pants: she can get off from a gust of wind. OK, not really. But with minimal massaging I can get her to come in under a minute.

I'm not so easy. Before meeting this great girl, I had never been touched below the belt. So when my girlfriend's hands slowly went towards the groin...I felt ticklish and cracked up loudly...real smooth. Every time she tries again, I manage to smother my laughter, but I just don't get the thrill I expected. Dry hands hurt more than help, and saliva or blowjobbing makes it only slightly better. After a few minutes I get close, but I plateau there. Five minutes, she's ready to give up and I'm lying there apathetically.

Having satisfied myself with my hand for way too long, I'm worried I've desensitized myself to anything that's not me.

What's wrong? Is failure to orgasm normal for those who haven't experienced this stuff before? Is it fear? Excessive masturbation? What can I do?

Relevant side note: Peeing is laborious too. Even in an empty bathroom it takes me several minutes for me to start urinating.

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (31 comments total)

I've never orgasmed from receiving head. Not even once. Vaginal sex is for me, and it's great. Even then, I've been with some women and I haven't consistently orgasmed even inside them. I think it may have something to do with sexual chemistry and attraction. Could be fear, or nervousness, or unease. "Relax" is good advise, it's just sex, it's not a big deal, it's fun and awesome.

What do you masturbate to? It is (sadly) easy to not really be able to pinpoint what really turns you on, especially early in sexual experiences. You might not like the distance that receiving head create between you and your SO, or she might be really bad at pleasuring you. After all, she doesn't have a penis, and has no idea about how penises perceive perception.

Some more hints: Ask her to play with your balls and taint, or even play around, and maybe even in, your asshole. Explore. Consider masturbating with your girlfriend around so she can see what you do, or have her jerk you off while you look at porn. Jerk off on to your girlfriend. If the ticklishness bothers you, tell her to be rough. Above all, don't freak out. As you and your girlfriend work your way though this issue, you will become closer, and I guarantee that the closer and more honest you are together the better the sex with be.
posted by fuq at 10:39 PM on February 22 [1 favorite has favorites]

"blowjobbing makes it only slightly better. After a few minutes I get close, but I plateau there. Five minutes, she's ready to give up and I'm lying there apathetically"

A good beej takes a lot longer than five minutes.
posted by orthogonality at 11:00 PM on February 22 [19 favorites has favorites]

Yeah, it takes me more than five minutes of oral sex to come usually.
posted by Falconetti at 11:07 PM on February 22

It sounds like you are able to orgasm manually (by hand) but not during any sort of intercourse.

This isn't too abnormal. In fact I suspect it's becoming increasingly common. You are probably more adept at getting yourself off, since you have instant feedback, experience, and generally know what you like.

Don't masturbate for a week or two, maybe avoid looking at erotica (porn), and see if it fixes the problem. Not that there is something wrong with either erotica or masturbating, but these may be the issue.

The issue may also be psychological. That doesn't mean it's not real, or that you may not need treatment, but there is stuff you can try without going to a sex therapist or doctor.

Getting off has a lot to do with the right mood, setting and feeling comfortable, and you've been used to doing it alone, perhaps in a certain position. You might try starting with masturbating while she is in the room, get that going good, have her rub your your back or hold your other hand while you do it, etc. and slowly work her into being more and more involved.

Finally, I'd add that sex isn't necessarily about orgasming, especially in a relationship. It's about being intimate with another person, and sharing pleasure with them. Orgasms are just part of feeling good. Anyway you should definitely talk to your girlfriend about what's going on, and work out any issues. Not being able to make you orgasm may be something that bothers her as well.

Also feel free to MeFi mail me if you want additional advice.
posted by gryftir at 11:09 PM on February 22 [1 favorite has favorites]

On preview, everything fuq says, especially about relaxing and enjoying the person you're with.

I'm not sure what's appropriate advice, not knowing how old you guys are. Personally, I was always pretty bashful about receiving oral sex and that made it hard to come. It's a journey, we're constantly learning throughout life. Show your girlfriend how thankful you are for attentions by giving her a good massage.
posted by bonobothegreat at 11:09 PM on February 22

Ticklish?
You might want to teach her to use a tighter grip. Most inexperienced women use too featherlight of a touch.

Dry hands?
Lubricant. It's good times.

Can't pee?
Relax. Learn to be a bit more comfortable with your nasty bits.

If you give it some time, you two will work it out together.
posted by 26.2 at 11:12 PM on February 22 [1 favorite has favorites]

Wait, she's ready to give up after five minutes? That doesn't sound right at all. You say you're just lying there apathetically?! Unacceptable. That's word should never be used when discussing sex. Even when you are on the receiving end, active participation is essential for both of yours enjoyment.

Encourage your girlfriend to continue doing whatever it is that she is doing for longer than just five minutes by giving her enthusiastic feedback (fake it if you have to, at first). Let her know what feels especially good while she is doing it, and don't hesitate to give her helpful directions and pointers followed by more positive encouragement. On preview, what orthogonality said.
posted by halogen at 11:16 PM on February 22 [4 favorites has favorites]

It is a myth that all guys are easier to get off than women. I think it has been easier for most of the women I have been with to have an orgasm than I.

That said, it will get easier. You are probably having a difficult time relaxing, and it sounds like she is probably not very good at it. And you probably don't know how to tell her what to do.

The most important thing to remember is that what you are experiencing is very common. Just relax, have fun, play and stop worrying about the orgasm. You should be comfortable enough to masturbate with her, then you can get used to getting off in her presence, and she can get a better idea of what gets you off.
posted by rwatson at 11:18 PM on February 22

It would also be worth trying switching back and forth between the bj and you masturbating. It's not a race, it should be fun so just play with each other back and forth, then when you're about ready, let her finish you off.

Also, your hands (or at least mine) want to be doing something usually. What really did it for me with my ex when she was going down on me, have her be on the side of you where you can reach, not between your legs, and 'massage' her. You'll probably both be turned on more.
posted by meowN at 11:19 PM on February 22

Relevant side note: Peeing is laborious too. Even in an empty bathroom it takes me several minutes for me to start urinating.

This bothers me somewhat. I can't ask for clarification since you are anonymous, but if you have trouble urinating in an empty bathroom that could be a sign of various physical problems. Since you are young (I assume?) that's less likely but not impossible. But it isn't normal to have to stand there for several minutes before you can pee.
posted by Justinian at 11:30 PM on February 22

This seams to be a frequent topic concern of Savage Love columns over the years. Search the archives for "death grip", as he and contributors describe your tribulations, for Dan's advice.
posted by glibhamdreck at 11:44 PM on February 22

You definitely want to go to a doctor to get the urination issue checked out. It may or may not have something to do with your sexual problems, but I certainly can't see how it would do you any favors.

That aside, orthogonality is right. If she's giving up after five minutes, she's expecting things to be too easy, and so are you.
posted by Saydur at 12:02 AM on February 23

Have has she tried giving you a good hand job with something like Astroglide? That can be a good stepping stone for learning what you respond to best, without the frustration and aching jaw caused by other methods.
posted by platinum at 12:31 AM on February 23

Ask her to eat your ass. And nthing asking a doctor about the urinating.
posted by Curry at 1:16 AM on February 23 [3 favorites has favorites]

It sounds like you're trying to go from zero to orgasm in... well... five minutes. From what I understand, sometimes guys need foreplay too. Please take the below with a grain of salt because I do not myself have a penis, but I do listen to Dan Savage and he's been quite an education.

Have you tried wanking yourself before the handjob/blowjob part? Getting yourself primed for the 'main action'? Sometimes you just need to get turned on before the sensation goes from sensitive and ticklish to sensitive and good.

Pay attention while you're having a wank. Try and figure out what you like. One possible issue is she's treating your penis like a delicate butterfly (maybe that's why it's ticklish?). There's a lot of middle ground between feather-light touch and deathgrip. Maybe she needs to take a firmer hand? Maybe she can watch you masturbate to get an idea of your rhythm.

Another possible issue: Is she under the impression that a blowjob means Step 1) mouth firmly around your penis, Step 2) Bob head up and down, Step 3) Repeat 100x for orgasm? That procedure does get exhausting after 5 minutes. There's more to it than that, falling under foreplay mentioned above. If she starts going at full speed, your penis would get acclimated to that, and because she started at the top she's got nothing to go to. This could be where the plateau comes in.

Please don't feel bad if you're not having amazing oral/manual sex straight off the bat. The truth is, no one's good at sex at the beginning, and it can be equally hard on the receiving end as the giving. You've got all these parts you're using in new ways, but there's no easy guidebook. You've got to research. And experiment. And experiment with your research. Dan Savage is an excellent source for all fun sex education so I do encourage you to read him.
posted by roshy at 2:49 AM on February 23

There is nothing wrong with you or with her. Its part of the learning process. Good sex isn't something that happens immediately. It takes time to learn what works for each of you. In my experience, and talking with many of my friends, full on orgasm from oral sex is not the norm, especially on the first try. In any case take the pressure off yourself and off of her, it really doesn't matter if it happens or it doesn't. The key for sex to actually be good is for you to be in a place where its relaxed, fun and has no consequences, that way you are actually there to enjoy it. Also, maybe a little education could help. Some women don't understand the different areas of the penis and might stimulate in a way that has no chance of bringing you to orgasm. Make sure she understands that the glans and frenulum are the areas of highest sensitivity and for you to notice what kind of stimulation there is most pleasurable, for you to direct her.
posted by blueyellow at 3:48 AM on February 23

Also, if she's only using her mouth when she's giving you a blowjob, get her to use her hands as well, mix it up a little.
posted by gaspode at 4:08 AM on February 23

There are certain things Dan Savage should not be listened to on.

BJ's are not universally effective, despite what porn might tell you. In short, none of this is abnormal.

I suggest you look up "sensate focus" exercises on google.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:03 AM on February 23

relax and stop worrying about making a fool out of yourself. it's sex, you're supposed to figure it out as you go along. feel good about it. consider showing her what you like.

Relevant side note: Peeing is laborious too. Even in an empty bathroom it takes me several minutes for me to start urinating.
laborious or downright painful? you should get that checked out, especially if you are not circumcised.
posted by krautland at 5:32 AM on February 23

A five minute blowjob is something for professionals and people who know have been together and doing it long enough to know exactly what makes the other tick. Seriously. Longer ones are more fun anyway, according to my husband. If she's doing what I think she's doing --put penis in mouth and move up and down-- then I'm not surprised she gets tired of doing it quickly. That is tiring, which is why hands, breasts can also be used for "rubbing", as well as just licking. It should be playful and fun, not a race to the finish line. Also, it's not at all unusual for two people newly together to have problems getting to that orgasm. It takes time to learn what works, more so for some people than others, and there's nothing wrong with that. The exploration can be fun (and bonding) as well.

Just some suggestions:

No idea what position you are doing this blowjobs in, but try different ones. You standing and her sitting in a chair. You sitting on the edge of the bed. Lying down on the bed. Just different stuff. Some may work better or be more comfortable and relaxing for both of you.

Help. Start yourself off, or take over for a while, or even, when you get to the right point, finish off yourself.

If you aren't or haven't, masturbate together. There's nothing more educational about what someone likes than watching them get themselves off. Besides, it's fun. Like homemade porn without the danger of a lasting videotape should you ever break up.

Relax and take your time! Don't make it so much about the orgasm and make it all about touching each other, being close, and getting to know your body and hers and how they work together.

And even after 17 years, sometimes my husband touches me and it tickles and makes me laugh. Go ahead and laugh. Don't be embarrassed. Sex doesn't have to be serious. In fact, it's usually better when it isn't all just grunting and sweating and cumming.

And do maybe get the peeing situation checked out with a doctor.
posted by Orb at 5:49 AM on February 23

Communicate. She can't feel that you're almost there unless you tell her.

I take forever to cum from a BJ too. I've had them go on for 45 minutes. I've actually fallen asleep midway through. She may be incompetent or maybe you just like pussy better. Try fucking.
posted by valadil at 8:35 AM on February 23

I don't know how old you are, but in my younger days I knew one or two guys with this problem. In fact, my now 31 year old boyfriend tells me that when he was younger he rarely came from blowjobs, no matter how good they were. So it may just be that you need a little time. If you're a teenager or in your early 20's and this is your first sexual experience, know that it's like this for a lot of people when they first start to have sex. A friend of mine told me it took him a couple of weeks for sex to feel better than masturbation.

There are other things to try. I second and third everyone who's been telling you to masturbate in front of your girlfriend and have her masturbate in front of you. It serves two purposes: 1) making you feel more comfortable with each other and 2) showing each other what works.

Also, feel free to reach down and help. Alternate her mouth with your hands. And tell her to use her hands to massage your shaft while she sucks the head.

And please remember that none of what you are describing is abnormal. There is such a wide range of sexual preferences and experiences that can be considered normal. I know that blowjobs are supposed to be nirvana for guys, but not all guys love them. You don't have to like them to be normal, and it's fine if you never want another one.
posted by meglo91 at 9:03 AM on February 23

The tone of your question very faintly belittles your girlfriend and her efforts. Be really careful not to do that. It's perfectly natural to feel embarrased in this situation but don't try to mask it with forced humour.
posted by bonobothegreat at 9:13 AM on February 23 [4 favorites has favorites]

I've been on the other end of this, and my sympathy is with you both. With you because I'm sure it is frustrating not to be able to get off. But with her, because she's going to develop a serious case of TMJ if you two don't start communicating better.

If she's interested, you might try facefucking her.
posted by greekphilosophy at 9:39 AM on February 23

Sometimes takes me a long time. It can be an asset with the right kind of girl.
posted by sully75 at 10:39 AM on February 23

Don't be ridiculous, Zambrano. It makes perfect sense. First off, there's a lot more to good sex than just getting off quickly. Even if you can get a guy off in seconds, why not stretch it out a little and savor the experience?

But second, like folks are saying upthread, some guys aren't gonna come in a couple of minutes no matter how skilled you are. When you're with a guy like that, trying to hurry things is just gonna make him self-conscious, frustrate you, and keep both of you from enjoying yourselves.

OP: Like everyone else is saying, you sound perfectly normal, you and your GF both sound a little impatient, and you should relax, fool around, experiment, and give yourselves permission to get off (or not) as quickly or as slowly as you want.
posted by nebulawindphone at 10:43 AM on February 23

Oh yeah and I've never come from a blowjob but I sure have from good ol' vaginal sex. All over the place.
posted by sully75 at 10:48 AM on February 23

Try 69 with her on top of you. She will be distracted from how long it seems to be taking (which is utterly normal), you'll have something to be interested in (since I assume you like making her feel good), and the different views and sensations could help you immensely. Alternately, masturbating in front of each other is a fantastic idea, and if you can take over to finish her off and vice versa, that would help you learn to orgasm while someone else is controlling the action.

Keep going, if you like each other (and you should) this should be a fun process of exploration, not something scary or uncomfortable. And yeah, get that peeing issue to a doctor ASAP. Peeing by yourself shouldn't be uncomfortable, bothersome, or difficult.
posted by Night_owl at 1:30 PM on February 23

I don't have much to add to the advice above except that an overly mechanical BJ can be a turn-off sometimes. Changes in technique, intensity, taking a break for other touching/licking/body contact, intermittent eye contact, making affirmative, encouraging noises, etc. are all important. Try watching closely if you're visually stimulated (as most of us males are.) You don't need to close your eyes and think about cherubs and trumpets, or whatever. Being able to touch your partner and feel her response while you're receiving a BJ can elevate your excitement/arousal.

The goal isn't climax per se, it's pleasure. If you're not finding receiving the blow job to be pleasurable enough, you won't climax.

You need to figure out what nuances you find most erotic, and add them. This is some of the most fun homework you will ever have.

Work on making it feel better, not on getting there--and let go of the frustration. This is a newish thing for you. ( Possibly for her too? Giving great head isn't all that intuitive, for anyone.) With mutual attraction, forthrightness and good humor things will fall into place.
posted by snuffleupagus at 7:41 AM on February 24

People here have repeatedly told you to relax. But, like, if the problem is with hand/mouth stuff where you're mostly just a passive recipient, that can be a lot of the problem.

Engage yourself in the act.

Also: LOTS of medications can make it tough to orgasm. (That's usually what "sexual side-effects" refers to.) If you're on something, and this is a persistent problem, talk to your doctor.

The peeing: Prostate, maybe?
posted by Sys Rq at 11:12 AM on March 6

It has always taken me a significant amount of time to get comfortable enough to climax with another person. Try to not worry so much about it. There is nothing wrong with you, and you will be climaxing with regularity before ya know it.
posted by plungerjoke at 12:33 AM on March 9