Help.
February 21, 2009 2:02 PM Subscribe
How can I help a kid who won't help himself?
After my parent's divorce, my dad married a woman who already had a kid. I think my stepbrother was 10 or so years old at the time, and he did not take to the transition well.
I'm sure there's always friction between step parents and children ("I don't have to listen to you because you're not my real dad!" "Kids suck even more when they aren't biologically yours!"), but for a household without drug issues, alcoholism, or physical abuse, it just got kind of stupid bad. I didn't live there--this all happened after I moved out--so I'm short on details, but there was a lot of tension, bad grades, and thefts.
The stepbrother's grandfather had some serious cash, and when things continued to stay bad, he pulled some strings and arranged for him to go to a really, really fancy reform school type place. Not a military school, but the opposite--lots of support, activities, freedom, trust, confidence building, horses to ride, personalized attention, counseling, etc. It was the kind of place that people had to compete to get into, and there were waitlists a mile long of kids who wanted to be there. The family was eventually pressured by administration into removing the stepbrother because he... failed to thrive, and continued to steal things.
Flash forward some, and the stepbrother is 18. He's failing his classes in High School, and if he graduates, it will likely be because of social passing or whatever the term is. He regularly skipped class to the point that now he is driven there personally by his stepmother every morning. He has stolen his parents credit cards and cash multiple times.
None of the credit card thefts have had more repercussions than parental recrimination because (or at least this is my understanding) the laws are such that if it's reported to the credit card companies as fraud, and the stepbrother is found to have done it, he will be prosecuted as an adult for a felony. There was also a seperate incident involving the stepbrother breaking into an organization's computer system ("l33t hax0r" style) that was found out and also, after much pleading from the parental units, not prosecuted.
They have confronted him about these issues many times, and he has gone to therapy, but nothing has improved the situation.
The straw that broke the parental units' backs came recently, when he stole a credit card again. He doesn't know it, but his parents (my dad and stepmom) are looking for an apartment in the area, which they are going to pay for until he is through with high school. They are going to give him some cash ($1,000 or so), put the car title in his name, and pay his car insurance through the end of high school. Once these arrangements are made, he will be on his own.
The question is, what can I do to impress on this kid that he is old enough that the things he is doing will shape the rest of his life, and he needs to start doing things like look for a job (ANY job), get his grades up enough to graduate, and have some sort of plan for post-graduation life (like go into the military or attend community college while working a job).
I am about 90% sure that whatever advice I'm given, I'll also send him a link to this thread to read himself. That might be something you want to keep in mind.
E-mail @ stepbrotherhelp@gmail.com
After my parent's divorce, my dad married a woman who already had a kid. I think my stepbrother was 10 or so years old at the time, and he did not take to the transition well.
I'm sure there's always friction between step parents and children ("I don't have to listen to you because you're not my real dad!" "Kids suck even more when they aren't biologically yours!"), but for a household without drug issues, alcoholism, or physical abuse, it just got kind of stupid bad. I didn't live there--this all happened after I moved out--so I'm short on details, but there was a lot of tension, bad grades, and thefts.
The stepbrother's grandfather had some serious cash, and when things continued to stay bad, he pulled some strings and arranged for him to go to a really, really fancy reform school type place. Not a military school, but the opposite--lots of support, activities, freedom, trust, confidence building, horses to ride, personalized attention, counseling, etc. It was the kind of place that people had to compete to get into, and there were waitlists a mile long of kids who wanted to be there. The family was eventually pressured by administration into removing the stepbrother because he... failed to thrive, and continued to steal things.
Flash forward some, and the stepbrother is 18. He's failing his classes in High School, and if he graduates, it will likely be because of social passing or whatever the term is. He regularly skipped class to the point that now he is driven there personally by his stepmother every morning. He has stolen his parents credit cards and cash multiple times.
None of the credit card thefts have had more repercussions than parental recrimination because (or at least this is my understanding) the laws are such that if it's reported to the credit card companies as fraud, and the stepbrother is found to have done it, he will be prosecuted as an adult for a felony. There was also a seperate incident involving the stepbrother breaking into an organization's computer system ("l33t hax0r" style) that was found out and also, after much pleading from the parental units, not prosecuted.
They have confronted him about these issues many times, and he has gone to therapy, but nothing has improved the situation.
The straw that broke the parental units' backs came recently, when he stole a credit card again. He doesn't know it, but his parents (my dad and stepmom) are looking for an apartment in the area, which they are going to pay for until he is through with high school. They are going to give him some cash ($1,000 or so), put the car title in his name, and pay his car insurance through the end of high school. Once these arrangements are made, he will be on his own.
The question is, what can I do to impress on this kid that he is old enough that the things he is doing will shape the rest of his life, and he needs to start doing things like look for a job (ANY job), get his grades up enough to graduate, and have some sort of plan for post-graduation life (like go into the military or attend community college while working a job).
I am about 90% sure that whatever advice I'm given, I'll also send him a link to this thread to read himself. That might be something you want to keep in mind.
E-mail @ stepbrotherhelp@gmail.com
Sorry to hear that this is happening. Unfortunately, this kid is going to have to learn how the world works the hard way. The start of this may be him being booted from the house into the apartment, but it will likely end with his being arrested, prosecuted, and serving jail time. He's 18 and an adult now, and damn the torpedos, he's gonna have to learn personal responsibility and ramifications of his actions.
He probably needs to be enlisted in the military, where for decades, young men just like him were broken down by drill sargeants and rebuilt into men with intestinal fortitude, manners, and a code of conduct.
posted by mrbarrett.com at 2:15 PM on February 21, 2009
He probably needs to be enlisted in the military, where for decades, young men just like him were broken down by drill sargeants and rebuilt into men with intestinal fortitude, manners, and a code of conduct.
posted by mrbarrett.com at 2:15 PM on February 21, 2009
My youth was spent alternately scorning or ignoring authority figures, and I stole and otherwise abused people with very little in-the-moment regard for what I was doing. I was able to behave this way for quite some time, because my parents often facilitated my weaseling out of things.
Since my own youth, I've known a handful of kids just like I was - just like your stepbrother is, it seems.
He has to learn how the world works. Not simply be told, but actually learn. When he has no money and his car doesn't work or is out of gas and he has no one to feed him or drive him places because he's alienated everyone around him, he'll start to get it.
It was when my parents and a lot of my friends started to give up on me, distancing themselves and refusing the favours and hand-outs I'd come to expect, that I started to live my own life in a more conventionally responsible and forward-looking way.
In a way, people like your step brother are like addicts, but their addiction is selfish, instantaneous self-gratification. Like an addict, they typically have to hit rock bottom or have an up-close-and-personal experience with rock bottom before their priorities shift.
You and I and most mefites know that you have an important, genuine truth to share with your stepbrother, but my honest belief is that he won't listen until listening is the most attractive of a bunch of shitty options. My advice is tough love: Don't treat him like a kid who needs to learn a gentle lesson, treat him like a punk who needs a damn job. Don't put on a polite front and try to be his buddy - make it clear he's disappointing you with his wasted potential. Make it clear that you expect him to be drunk in a ditch if he keeps behaving like a child, and flaunt the things that your responsibility and hard work have brought you while declining to share with someone so likely to take advantage.
He probably won't like you in the short term, and possibly not even in the long term. But some people aren't worth being liked by.
posted by chudmonkey at 2:22 PM on February 21, 2009 [12 favorites]
Since my own youth, I've known a handful of kids just like I was - just like your stepbrother is, it seems.
He has to learn how the world works. Not simply be told, but actually learn. When he has no money and his car doesn't work or is out of gas and he has no one to feed him or drive him places because he's alienated everyone around him, he'll start to get it.
It was when my parents and a lot of my friends started to give up on me, distancing themselves and refusing the favours and hand-outs I'd come to expect, that I started to live my own life in a more conventionally responsible and forward-looking way.
In a way, people like your step brother are like addicts, but their addiction is selfish, instantaneous self-gratification. Like an addict, they typically have to hit rock bottom or have an up-close-and-personal experience with rock bottom before their priorities shift.
You and I and most mefites know that you have an important, genuine truth to share with your stepbrother, but my honest belief is that he won't listen until listening is the most attractive of a bunch of shitty options. My advice is tough love: Don't treat him like a kid who needs to learn a gentle lesson, treat him like a punk who needs a damn job. Don't put on a polite front and try to be his buddy - make it clear he's disappointing you with his wasted potential. Make it clear that you expect him to be drunk in a ditch if he keeps behaving like a child, and flaunt the things that your responsibility and hard work have brought you while declining to share with someone so likely to take advantage.
He probably won't like you in the short term, and possibly not even in the long term. But some people aren't worth being liked by.
posted by chudmonkey at 2:22 PM on February 21, 2009 [12 favorites]
What has he bought with the stolen credit cards? Has a mental health problem, such as obsessive compulsive behavior, been ruled out?
posted by francesca too at 2:31 PM on February 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by francesca too at 2:31 PM on February 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
So, the more your step brother effs up, the sweeter shit gets for him! Bad grades, acting out, generally being a troublemaker - sweet ass hippy school with horses! Steals credit cards and isn't prosecuted but is rewarded, given his own apartment and a stiped at 18! Hell, I was a great kid at 18 but if you had given me $1,000 and my own apartment I guarantee I would've gotten in some trouble. Sounds like a really bad idea.
To your question, what can you do? That is tough. Sounds like this is really between your step-brother and his mom and step-dad (your dad). He needs to hit bottom. He needs enforceable rules but, at 18, that might be too late. It sounds like if you haven't been a huge part of his life so far, it's going to be tough to insert yourself into his life now. If I were you, I'd try to get your father and his wife into some sort of situation where they can examine their behavior and change, perhaps even in some sort of therapy. At some point it's going to be difficult for them when he gets arrested, abuses drugs, whatever. That sounds like where it's heading.
Do you live close to this kid, or is it all going to be over the phone or in letters?
posted by billysumday at 2:39 PM on February 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
To your question, what can you do? That is tough. Sounds like this is really between your step-brother and his mom and step-dad (your dad). He needs to hit bottom. He needs enforceable rules but, at 18, that might be too late. It sounds like if you haven't been a huge part of his life so far, it's going to be tough to insert yourself into his life now. If I were you, I'd try to get your father and his wife into some sort of situation where they can examine their behavior and change, perhaps even in some sort of therapy. At some point it's going to be difficult for them when he gets arrested, abuses drugs, whatever. That sounds like where it's heading.
Do you live close to this kid, or is it all going to be over the phone or in letters?
posted by billysumday at 2:39 PM on February 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
They have confronted him about these issues many times, and he has gone to therapy, but nothing has improved the situation.
If I were you, I'd try to get your father and his wife into some sort of situation where they can examine their behavior and change, perhaps even in some sort of therapy.
I suggest family therapy where all three are involved and attend together.
posted by ericb at 2:43 PM on February 21, 2009
If I were you, I'd try to get your father and his wife into some sort of situation where they can examine their behavior and change, perhaps even in some sort of therapy.
I suggest family therapy where all three are involved and attend together.
posted by ericb at 2:43 PM on February 21, 2009
I agree with chudmonkey, except I don't think it's your place to tough-love him. It is possible to be friends with someone without condoning their behavior. If you can hang out with him and be around to firmly scoff at his foibles while keeping the focus on the positive aspects of his personality, do that. What cool shit does he do? Do that with him. Encourage the social aspects of his personality that don't involve him acting like a little shit, and when something comes up you disapprove of, say so clearly and without useless guilting. "You stole another credit card? That's fucking retarded kid. You're gonna go to jail one of these days and nobody's gonna bail you out. Don't do that shit. Now hand me the wii-remote Im gonna whup your ass in tennis."
posted by Potomac Avenue at 3:08 PM on February 21, 2009
posted by Potomac Avenue at 3:08 PM on February 21, 2009
FWIW, Potomac Avenue's approach is pretty much what I meant by tough love, he just described the "love" part better. Cheers!
posted by chudmonkey at 3:12 PM on February 21, 2009
posted by chudmonkey at 3:12 PM on February 21, 2009
This sucks. I'm really sorry for you, your step brother and your family. My advice totally sucks too.
you can't really do anything to convince this kid to straighten up. You seem like a caring, involved step brother and I'm sure you've tried over the years to show him a greater horizon.
If he's suffering from a psychological problem, it's an anti-social disorder, which as far as I know, is untreatable.
If he's just really spoiled, then he'll get over it. Maybe before he ends up in jail or maybe afterward.
I would convince your parents to absolutely not, rent him an apartment and give him a stipend. I would suggest that they give him until the end of the school year then just kick him out, whether he graduates or not. They might need to change the locks after they kick him out. He's stolen from them while living from them and if kicked to the curb, he's going to feel justified in stealing from them again.
Dude needs to 1) get a job. 2) pay for his own mistakes.
posted by dchrssyr at 3:18 PM on February 21, 2009
you can't really do anything to convince this kid to straighten up. You seem like a caring, involved step brother and I'm sure you've tried over the years to show him a greater horizon.
If he's suffering from a psychological problem, it's an anti-social disorder, which as far as I know, is untreatable.
If he's just really spoiled, then he'll get over it. Maybe before he ends up in jail or maybe afterward.
I would convince your parents to absolutely not, rent him an apartment and give him a stipend. I would suggest that they give him until the end of the school year then just kick him out, whether he graduates or not. They might need to change the locks after they kick him out. He's stolen from them while living from them and if kicked to the curb, he's going to feel justified in stealing from them again.
Dude needs to 1) get a job. 2) pay for his own mistakes.
posted by dchrssyr at 3:18 PM on February 21, 2009
Doesn't sound like he thinks he needs help. You can try to be available when/if he does.
posted by dilettante at 3:30 PM on February 21, 2009
posted by dilettante at 3:30 PM on February 21, 2009
Some people need to get their asses kicked by life before they actually get it. Your step-brother may be one of those people. What can you do? If he asks your advice, be generous with it - don't give him anything else. I've seen so many people who never learned the lessons they should have had the opportunity to learn - it's far better for him to learn this at 18 than at 40.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 3:49 PM on February 21, 2009
posted by The Light Fantastic at 3:49 PM on February 21, 2009
He doesn't know it, but his parents (my dad and stepmom) are looking for an apartment in the area, which they are going to pay for until he is through with high school. They are going to give him some cash ($1,000 or so), put the car title in his name, and pay his car insurance through the end of high school. Once these arrangements are made, he will be on his own.
Am I the only one who thinks this is a terrible idea and will only make things worse? He needs to figure life out on his own, I think. Holding his hand, albeit from afar, is only going to be detrimental to his character building.
posted by sunshinesky at 4:57 PM on February 21, 2009
Am I the only one who thinks this is a terrible idea and will only make things worse? He needs to figure life out on his own, I think. Holding his hand, albeit from afar, is only going to be detrimental to his character building.
posted by sunshinesky at 4:57 PM on February 21, 2009
Wow, he gets his own apartment, $1000/mo (and rent is already paid, I'm assuming, so that's just money to dick around with mostly), and his own car in high school?! This is probably going to end badly. Kids who are being bad need MORE parental supervision, not less. Sending them away to boarding school, giving them their own place, etc., are good ways for parents to take less responsibility for their kids' behavior, not necessarily to correct it. I don't know if there's much you can do, as a stepbrother and not a parent, to make him change. He'll have to sink or swim. Just try to be a good example?
posted by fructose at 5:42 PM on February 21, 2009
posted by fructose at 5:42 PM on February 21, 2009
You know, the inability to make someone do something for themself is well enough established that the English language has at least one common idiom that refers to it: you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.
Jus' sayin'.
posted by DoctorFedora at 9:54 PM on February 21, 2009
Jus' sayin'.
posted by DoctorFedora at 9:54 PM on February 21, 2009
I guess I'm the only one so far who does not see it as a bad thing to set this kid up for a few months, give him the car and insurance for a few months, give him a few bucks, and cut the cord. They've got to get him out of the house, this guy is 18, not 13, it's time he's hove out of the nest -- Adios mope! Have fun!
This could jar him, a fastball, high and tight -- ZZZZZZZZIP !!! -- coming right at his face. They actually whistle as they come in, they hum, they cut through the air, the seams whizzing, ninety miles an hour. This is how it's going to be for him. He may crack -- I suspect he will crack, the question is what direction he'll fall in; will he go for the thieving, or will he get it? It'll be all up to him. Remember how scary it was? I do.
College or military serve to soften the blow for many kids. He's not going to college, not anytime soon, community college MAYBE, to get himself ready to learn. Perhaps he'll join the military but I surely hope that he doesn't, as it seems that no matter what branch you join you end up in Iraq or Afghanistan, cannon fodder for the oil companies enrichment. The military would in fact help him, it's the often the troubled mans finishing school. But it's not just games right now, there's live bullets flying around and I'd hate to see him catch one, or to have to shoot some other poor bastard so as to keep from catching one.
A few years ago they'd probably not even let him into the military -- one of my buddies sons had a hard time getting into the Navy, little pot-head that he was -- but now they'll let in just about anyone fool enough to show up at their door; they need boots on the ground.
Last. He's not a boy, not any more. He's a man. I suspect he doesn't really get that part, nor do any of you. But, it's time. Ready or not. He's getting tossed into the pool -- sink or start swimming, my man. He'll do anything to convince anyone that he's no swimmer but after a few swallows of water he'll likely start kicking.
Hey step-son, if you are reading this: If you steal from me, or try to, I will fuck you up, or try to. So will we all. Welcome to the real world.
Good luck to you all.
posted by dancestoblue at 10:17 PM on February 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
This could jar him, a fastball, high and tight -- ZZZZZZZZIP !!! -- coming right at his face. They actually whistle as they come in, they hum, they cut through the air, the seams whizzing, ninety miles an hour. This is how it's going to be for him. He may crack -- I suspect he will crack, the question is what direction he'll fall in; will he go for the thieving, or will he get it? It'll be all up to him. Remember how scary it was? I do.
College or military serve to soften the blow for many kids. He's not going to college, not anytime soon, community college MAYBE, to get himself ready to learn. Perhaps he'll join the military but I surely hope that he doesn't, as it seems that no matter what branch you join you end up in Iraq or Afghanistan, cannon fodder for the oil companies enrichment. The military would in fact help him, it's the often the troubled mans finishing school. But it's not just games right now, there's live bullets flying around and I'd hate to see him catch one, or to have to shoot some other poor bastard so as to keep from catching one.
A few years ago they'd probably not even let him into the military -- one of my buddies sons had a hard time getting into the Navy, little pot-head that he was -- but now they'll let in just about anyone fool enough to show up at their door; they need boots on the ground.
Last. He's not a boy, not any more. He's a man. I suspect he doesn't really get that part, nor do any of you. But, it's time. Ready or not. He's getting tossed into the pool -- sink or start swimming, my man. He'll do anything to convince anyone that he's no swimmer but after a few swallows of water he'll likely start kicking.
Hey step-son, if you are reading this: If you steal from me, or try to, I will fuck you up, or try to. So will we all. Welcome to the real world.
Good luck to you all.
posted by dancestoblue at 10:17 PM on February 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
Where I come from, an apartment, car and stipend isn't exactly a "fastball." He's 18, they can throw his ass out. They can also send him to jail, the next time (and there will be a next time, you can bet) that he steals from them. They're setting this kid up for a big fail, in my book.
This kid stole from them, multiple times - and I'm not talking cigarettes from his mom's purse. In my experience, this gets your ass kicked, not your bills paid.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:39 PM on February 21, 2009
This kid stole from them, multiple times - and I'm not talking cigarettes from his mom's purse. In my experience, this gets your ass kicked, not your bills paid.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:39 PM on February 21, 2009
One thing you can do is help him work the math problem that he's going to do over and over again when he's out of his parents' house and on his own in May.
In July, the US minimum wage will be raised to $7.25/hour. So, a 40-hour workweek is $290/week. If you average the month as having 4.2 weeks per month, that's $1218/month or $15080/year if he works 2080 hours in a year (40 hours a week, 52 weeks a year).
Filing as a single person, I believe that puts his federal tax rate at 15%. So, he keeps 85% of his pay, or $12818.
Roughly, he can anticipate his expenses as 1/3 for rent, 1/3 for transportation, and 1/3 for food, clothing, medical, entertainment, and everything else. So, 1/3 of $12818 is $4272 per year, or $356 per month.
Now that's figured, he should go look at those apartments that he can afford. Then, he can figure out what he drives (car, gas, upkeep, and insurance). And of course, what he eats, wears, and does with the rest.
It's not a cushy life, but many people live within those numbers. Is it what he wants, though? Unlike many people who live that way, he has a choice: Straighten up, get the grades up, go to college, get a better paying job; or, embrace this choice for the rest of his life -- not just while he's young, but when he's middle-aged and putting together a family, when he's older, and knowing he will never retire.
If his back-up plan is to continue to steal, the outlook is even more bleak: Living in a cell, and upon release having to admit to a felony, and thus having his job opportunities even more significantly reduced.
He's at a crossroads, and either path he chooses is his to make, as he is now an adult. But, hopefully he'll realize that his choice is an important one, because he'll be living the consequences for his lifetime. That's the main difference between his life up to now and his life from now on -- his choices really matter, they are his to make, and they have consequence.
posted by Houstonian at 4:33 AM on February 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
In July, the US minimum wage will be raised to $7.25/hour. So, a 40-hour workweek is $290/week. If you average the month as having 4.2 weeks per month, that's $1218/month or $15080/year if he works 2080 hours in a year (40 hours a week, 52 weeks a year).
Filing as a single person, I believe that puts his federal tax rate at 15%. So, he keeps 85% of his pay, or $12818.
Roughly, he can anticipate his expenses as 1/3 for rent, 1/3 for transportation, and 1/3 for food, clothing, medical, entertainment, and everything else. So, 1/3 of $12818 is $4272 per year, or $356 per month.
Now that's figured, he should go look at those apartments that he can afford. Then, he can figure out what he drives (car, gas, upkeep, and insurance). And of course, what he eats, wears, and does with the rest.
It's not a cushy life, but many people live within those numbers. Is it what he wants, though? Unlike many people who live that way, he has a choice: Straighten up, get the grades up, go to college, get a better paying job; or, embrace this choice for the rest of his life -- not just while he's young, but when he's middle-aged and putting together a family, when he's older, and knowing he will never retire.
If his back-up plan is to continue to steal, the outlook is even more bleak: Living in a cell, and upon release having to admit to a felony, and thus having his job opportunities even more significantly reduced.
He's at a crossroads, and either path he chooses is his to make, as he is now an adult. But, hopefully he'll realize that his choice is an important one, because he'll be living the consequences for his lifetime. That's the main difference between his life up to now and his life from now on -- his choices really matter, they are his to make, and they have consequence.
posted by Houstonian at 4:33 AM on February 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
Your last sentence recalled to me a good friend of mine.. who is always on her younger brother's case (as were her parents) that he needs to shape up, needs to do this or that. Constantly. Now, he didn't get in trouble like your stepbrother did, he was just not too dedicated at schoolwork and slacked off and did bike racing instead of trying hard to do well in college classes.. But the way they insisted that he absolutely, positively needed to do what they told him.. did not work. It's a free country, and he doesn't need to do any of those things.
Frankly, your stepbrother doesn't need to get his grades up in order to get into college. It's going to make his life path harder if he doesn't get a degree, probably, but he won't die. He doesn't need to graduate from anything and doesn't need to have a plan. Not going to kill him. Now, if he doesn't graduate, can't get a job that gives him enough to live on somewhat comfortably.. life will probably be kind of sucky and stressful. If he steals from people and hacks into computer systems, he's going to get in trouble with the law, and the law doesn't actually care what his parents have to say about it. (Assuming the parents aren't going to keep bailing him out.. and maybe they should try proving that they won't, because they're not doing him any favors by teaching him that ultimately.. the rules don't apply to him. )
I grew up with a kid whose parents had tons of money, and.. from high school through college he was out of control - stole money, did drugs, trashed one of their houses (I mean trashed, and set on fire), ended up committed for a while. It was unbelievable. if Facebook is any indication he's turned it around and has a degree, job, girlfriend, doing fine now.. But it couldn't have been an easy road. At some point, assuming he's just being trouble & doesn't have any real psychological problems, you have to him go & let him screw up on his own & find out the hard way, that rules and consequences do apply to him, he's not magically exempt because of how they feel about things or his parents think their kid is too special and important for the rules.
Maybe he's pushing the envelope because, subconsciously, he's sick of his parents being pushovers and bailing him out and treating him like a child who shouldn't be held responsible for his actions. So.. I would say, give him credit for being a capable, responsible adult, and treat him like one, instead of deciding what he needs to do, and it'll do him a favor. I went through a rough patch about 5 years ago and had to basically beg one of my parents to not send me money, because it was not helping the situation, quite the opposite. I was going to suggest that maybe his parents shouldn't even pay for the apartment, but that seems overly harsh for a high schooler, but what I do suggest is that they set terms for the apartment and stick to them no matter what. Such as, if he trashes it, he pays for the damage. If he blows the $1,000, no more money from them.
posted by citron at 1:52 PM on February 22, 2009
Frankly, your stepbrother doesn't need to get his grades up in order to get into college. It's going to make his life path harder if he doesn't get a degree, probably, but he won't die. He doesn't need to graduate from anything and doesn't need to have a plan. Not going to kill him. Now, if he doesn't graduate, can't get a job that gives him enough to live on somewhat comfortably.. life will probably be kind of sucky and stressful. If he steals from people and hacks into computer systems, he's going to get in trouble with the law, and the law doesn't actually care what his parents have to say about it. (Assuming the parents aren't going to keep bailing him out.. and maybe they should try proving that they won't, because they're not doing him any favors by teaching him that ultimately.. the rules don't apply to him. )
I grew up with a kid whose parents had tons of money, and.. from high school through college he was out of control - stole money, did drugs, trashed one of their houses (I mean trashed, and set on fire), ended up committed for a while. It was unbelievable. if Facebook is any indication he's turned it around and has a degree, job, girlfriend, doing fine now.. But it couldn't have been an easy road. At some point, assuming he's just being trouble & doesn't have any real psychological problems, you have to him go & let him screw up on his own & find out the hard way, that rules and consequences do apply to him, he's not magically exempt because of how they feel about things or his parents think their kid is too special and important for the rules.
Maybe he's pushing the envelope because, subconsciously, he's sick of his parents being pushovers and bailing him out and treating him like a child who shouldn't be held responsible for his actions. So.. I would say, give him credit for being a capable, responsible adult, and treat him like one, instead of deciding what he needs to do, and it'll do him a favor. I went through a rough patch about 5 years ago and had to basically beg one of my parents to not send me money, because it was not helping the situation, quite the opposite. I was going to suggest that maybe his parents shouldn't even pay for the apartment, but that seems overly harsh for a high schooler, but what I do suggest is that they set terms for the apartment and stick to them no matter what. Such as, if he trashes it, he pays for the damage. If he blows the $1,000, no more money from them.
posted by citron at 1:52 PM on February 22, 2009
BTW, one more piece of advice..
If/when he screws up by failing a class, running low on money, whatever.. Please talk to him about it like he's an adult, who did something that will have certain consequences, and address those consequences in a rational way. Such as, "OK, you failed math this year and the guidance office is telling you that you can't get accepted to college. You could study for a GED and reapply, you could retake this during the summer. Or just get a job and work for a while and deal with it later. What do you think?" IMHO what would be harmful is, if/when he screws up, to make it about proving you and his parents were right and he was wrong. (Even if you were right and he was wrong.) "See, we told you that you needed to get your grades up."
posted by citron at 1:57 PM on February 22, 2009
If/when he screws up by failing a class, running low on money, whatever.. Please talk to him about it like he's an adult, who did something that will have certain consequences, and address those consequences in a rational way. Such as, "OK, you failed math this year and the guidance office is telling you that you can't get accepted to college. You could study for a GED and reapply, you could retake this during the summer. Or just get a job and work for a while and deal with it later. What do you think?" IMHO what would be harmful is, if/when he screws up, to make it about proving you and his parents were right and he was wrong. (Even if you were right and he was wrong.) "See, we told you that you needed to get your grades up."
posted by citron at 1:57 PM on February 22, 2009
My dear, nothing you tell this kid hasn't been told to him already. The kind of help he needs starts from the inside- and I mean inside HIM. He has had more love and care than many people and still he is a selfish, immature human being. It sounds like the hard knocks of life and professional therapy are more in line with his needs. You cannot change this kid, though.
posted by Piscean at 2:41 PM on February 22, 2009
posted by Piscean at 2:41 PM on February 22, 2009
I was a pretty good kid, but I did some weird shit when I was younger, my stepdad hated me, and then my mom kicked me out because he demanded it. They put my shit in the yard because my car got stolen when I lied about where I was going one night (to see a guy... of course). It was one month before I graduated high school. So I had a friend come and get me and I couch-surfed and then got a job and went to college and knew I could *never* fuck up, ever, because my mom had proved to me she would not help me, and my father was in rehab 3 times during those years. I knew it was succeed or be homeless.
I succeeded.
Tell your stepbrother that you know what he's doing and you will have him arrested the next time he does something and your parents feel the same way. DO NOT THREATEN, TELL HIM. No "if you do this, then this" shit. Say, we are all hip to the fact that you are committing credit card fraud. $500 or more is a felony; do you want to be a felon at 18? Cause you're fucked if you end up a felon at that age, pretty much. If he doesn't listen, blows you off, or whatever, you have done all you can do. I have done things similar to what your stepbrother did and years later I was appalled by my actions, because I saw the other side of things. I was an adult who worked hard for my shit; I got robbed; I felt raped and betrayed when I realized friends had fucked me over, or strangers had been through my things, or money was missing out of my purse after a party. I understood that it's not just a credit card, insurance will cover it, so what, it's not my money, etc. I understood the feeling of absolute disbelief, betrayal and disappointment when others acted the way I had done at a younger age, and I was repulsed that I had ever been that person, even once, even on a tiny scale. I was shamed by the selfishness of my own youthful rebellion refracted through the prism of my later maturity.
If he steals their card again, your parents have GOT to have him arrested. Do not bail him out. Once he's released, do not answer the phone. Make him walk home. Have the parents change the locks so he has to ask to be let back in. I'm saying you might want to have an intervention-style talk with the folks at this point about the reality of their enabling him to be a young, ruthless asshole and he may not understand the consequences of his actions because so far, there haven't BEEN ANY that didn't ultimately egg him on to keep behaving the way he has, and still does. He's justified in his mind by their actions; they are policing him, he's acting like a criminal, so let him experience true criminal repercussions. Not pretend ones. Reform school isn't jail; $1000 cash isn't homeless.
Getting your ass and your psyche kicked can go one of two ways at that age; it can make or break you. If he's a worthwhile human being just acting out or rebelling, it'll make him stop. If he's a piece of shit human being, he will be a fuck up for many years before he stops out of desperation, avoidance of further jail time or death. I'm hoping he's the former and not the latter.
You might also try to get him to volunteer with you at a shelter or halfway house for a stint; once he sees what his future's going to be like if he doesn't stop, he might realize what he's got to lose... I'm very sorry your family is going through this, but at some point, you gotta back away and let him fall into the chasm. You can't help but care, but you can stop being a part of his life (even from a distance) and encourage your parents to do the same.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 4:32 PM on February 22, 2009
I succeeded.
Tell your stepbrother that you know what he's doing and you will have him arrested the next time he does something and your parents feel the same way. DO NOT THREATEN, TELL HIM. No "if you do this, then this" shit. Say, we are all hip to the fact that you are committing credit card fraud. $500 or more is a felony; do you want to be a felon at 18? Cause you're fucked if you end up a felon at that age, pretty much. If he doesn't listen, blows you off, or whatever, you have done all you can do. I have done things similar to what your stepbrother did and years later I was appalled by my actions, because I saw the other side of things. I was an adult who worked hard for my shit; I got robbed; I felt raped and betrayed when I realized friends had fucked me over, or strangers had been through my things, or money was missing out of my purse after a party. I understood that it's not just a credit card, insurance will cover it, so what, it's not my money, etc. I understood the feeling of absolute disbelief, betrayal and disappointment when others acted the way I had done at a younger age, and I was repulsed that I had ever been that person, even once, even on a tiny scale. I was shamed by the selfishness of my own youthful rebellion refracted through the prism of my later maturity.
If he steals their card again, your parents have GOT to have him arrested. Do not bail him out. Once he's released, do not answer the phone. Make him walk home. Have the parents change the locks so he has to ask to be let back in. I'm saying you might want to have an intervention-style talk with the folks at this point about the reality of their enabling him to be a young, ruthless asshole and he may not understand the consequences of his actions because so far, there haven't BEEN ANY that didn't ultimately egg him on to keep behaving the way he has, and still does. He's justified in his mind by their actions; they are policing him, he's acting like a criminal, so let him experience true criminal repercussions. Not pretend ones. Reform school isn't jail; $1000 cash isn't homeless.
Getting your ass and your psyche kicked can go one of two ways at that age; it can make or break you. If he's a worthwhile human being just acting out or rebelling, it'll make him stop. If he's a piece of shit human being, he will be a fuck up for many years before he stops out of desperation, avoidance of further jail time or death. I'm hoping he's the former and not the latter.
You might also try to get him to volunteer with you at a shelter or halfway house for a stint; once he sees what his future's going to be like if he doesn't stop, he might realize what he's got to lose... I'm very sorry your family is going through this, but at some point, you gotta back away and let him fall into the chasm. You can't help but care, but you can stop being a part of his life (even from a distance) and encourage your parents to do the same.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 4:32 PM on February 22, 2009
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It sounds like your stepbrother has never had to pay any consequences for any of his actions... and on top of that he's getting a place of his own, a car, and a nice cash stipend?
Harsh actions suck, but based upon what you've told us I think the best thing you could do to help him figure out life and really start thinking about his future is to let him get busted for some of his illegal shenanigans and learn what it means to pay the consequences for one's actions.
posted by matty at 2:10 PM on February 21, 2009