How can you get past your dislike of a soon-to-be family member?

February 21, 2009 2:01 PM

Anyone have any advice for coming to terms with a person you dislike marrying into the family?

(Disclaimer: Intellectually I know I can't control whom my family members date, fall in love with, and marry. I also know it shouldn't affect me as much as it does. I would be very grateful if people could offer some coping strategies that go beyond "get over it." Thanks!)

My brother-in-law (husband's brother) is getting ready to marry his girlfriend of 5 years. The wedding is in two weeks, and both my husband and son are in the wedding party. While I have every intention of attending, I just am feeling really uneasy about the marriage itself. I am finding myself focusing more and more on how much I dislike and resent this woman, and it's making me literally dread having her as part of the family.

I was going to go into detail about all the reasons she makes me miserable, but I don't want to bog down the question too much. Suffice it to say it's a combination of her constant attention-whoring (to the point of NEVER talking about anything but herself), being publicly disrespectful toward her family members, mooching off my in-laws (living with them and not contributing anything in terms of money or household help), glomming onto both my mother and my son, and generally being self-centered and awful.

I know a wedding can bring out the worst in attention-whorish people. I also know that I have some pent-up resentment that my in-laws are largely paying for this wedding and are way more emotionally invested in it -- for example, my father-in-law is openly insisting that he get to do a formal "father/daughter" type of dance with her (by contrast, due to some family conflict when my husband and I got married, my father-in-law told he he didn't care about our fucking wedding and threatened not to attend). I realize this is probably being projected onto my soon-to-be sister-in-law. But still, I know many of the reasons I dislike her have nothing to do with the wedding.

So, knowing I can't skip the wedding or stop it from happening, and knowing I will have to continue to deal with this person possibly forever, does anyone have any advice on how to cope? I'd really like some way to come to terms with the relationship and this person's role in our family before the wedding in 2 weeks, so I don't negatively affect her special day -- for all her shortcomings, she doesn't deserve to have anyone rain on her parade, and neither does my brother-in-law. I want to be able to develop some perspective and some ability to turn off my intensely growing dislike of her. Thanks.

posted by anonymous to human relations (16 comments total)

Contemplate what must have happened to her as a child that she needs so much attention and control as an adult. Concentrate on feeling sympathy and compassion rather than revulsion. Think of her as a toddler sobbing for her mommy - you might be annoyed with the child but you wouldn't resent her. Pray for her, or if you're not religious, silently wish her good things. Even if you don't mean it, the positive reinforcement will make you feel more at ease. It's really difficult to be upset at someone while simultaneously wishing them a wonderful life.
posted by desjardins at 2:20 PM on February 21 [2 favorites]

There's a couple of things that I do when confronted with people whom I dislike but whom I must be in proximity to and interact with.

One is that I try to take off the blinders of antipathy and find something positive about them, and think about that. If I focus exclusively on what irritates or offends me about the person, I tend to become overly sensitized to their smallest quirk and get annoyed when otherwise I wouldn't. Identifying positive traits helps me keep perspective that yes, everyone has sucky qualities but they also have good qualities too.

Also, I try to imagine (and I know it's just imagining -- I try not to make any actual assumptions) what their lives are like for them. Not in a pitying way or trying to psychoanalyze their childhoods to explain their Pathologies-As-Perceived-By-Me, but just thinking about what it's like to look at the world through their eyes, based on any details about themselves that they might have shared. If I don't know the details, I try to find some out through conversation. Doing this helps me identify with them, which I always helpful for lessening dislike.

It sounds like there's lots of issues tangled together in your situation, so I hope this helps.
posted by tentacle at 2:26 PM on February 21 [3 favorites]

Having weathered many family flareups through the years, I usually choose the path of least resistance, which translates to " be pleasant, but detached". I know some of that shit sucks, but stay calm...and you'll be OK.
posted by lobstah at 2:32 PM on February 21

Just remember that your only obligation is to be polite and be civil. You can do that with strangers without even thinking about it! So think of it that way, and remember you don't have to be best buddies with her. Hopefully that will make it easier on you.
posted by txvtchick at 2:33 PM on February 21

It is not necessary to love, or even like you in-laws, but it is absolutely necessary to maintain a high standard of politeness.

You will never regret a guarded mouth and facial expression, nor will you regret achieving a superior standard of behavior.
posted by francesca too at 2:37 PM on February 21 [4 favorites]

I want to be able to develop some perspective and some ability to turn off my intensely growing dislike of her.

If you've always been wary or her or disliked her a little, but you find the dislike coming to a peak in the weeks before the wedding, it's most likely in part a response to the tensions of the event itself. That is, she is no doubt feeling the strain and loosing her grip a bit, but don't discount the likelinhood that you, too, are affected by it.

It's not surprising that you regret or resent how your husband's family are embracing this wedding if they were less effusive about your own wedding. It might help to keep in mind: their behavior does not occur in a vacuum. If they regret having distanced themselves from your wedding, they may be putting the lesson to good use here.

(Also, to satisfy the small nasty voice that so many of us have in our heads: there is no better response to poor etiquette than to behave impeccably yourself. Others will notice the contrast, but you never ever ever acknowledge it.)
posted by Elsa at 2:48 PM on February 21

My entire family despised my ex-fiance. Some, like my mom, hid it much better than others. The shit eventually hit the fan like everyone knew it would and I appreciate my mom all the more now for standing by me through bad decisions and good decisions. Be the classy one.
posted by CwgrlUp at 2:56 PM on February 21 [1 favorite]

Try to imagine yourself needing her help at some point, and feel gratitude in advance for the small but essential act of help that she'll someday provide you. (Same idea here.)
posted by salvia at 4:13 PM on February 21

Another mind game I play to deal with people I dislike is: "if I were dead and had just come back to life, I'd be glad for her life and energy!" (attention-seeking or not). I shift my frame of comparison from "is she my favorite person in the world?" to "is talking to her better than a dark vacuum of silence and loneliness?"
posted by salvia at 4:16 PM on February 21 [1 favorite]

You have to go the the wedding, and knowing you have no choice is magnifying your antipathy. Later on, you and your husband can choose to do family things that are bearable. You can't show your negative feelings, now or in the future -- that would make things worse for you, for your husband, and for his brother, for their parents. Be cordial and pleasant, and think of it as a gift you're giving to the rest of the family.

It's deeply disappointing when someone comes into a family and changes the comfortable dynamic into something tense or grating, but you can't change it -- all you can do is wait and see. You may catch glimpses of positive traits over time, which will make things easier. If not, you'll be doing everyone (including yourself) a favor by not creating or adding to family drama. It's a huge, huge effort, but it's in your own best interest.
posted by wryly at 4:31 PM on February 21 [2 favorites]

I had a much easier time coping with a new family member who I didn't like very much once I realized that some of the things I didn't like about her were also things others didn't like about her (or at least noticed), but they were just more polite than me and didn't let it show. So, one of the things I didn't like about her was, say, habit X and it would make me seethe "can't everyone see she has Terrible Habit X, why don't they see that!" when in reality, other people were aware of it, it just wasn't that big a deal to them because they didn't see themselves as being as closely attached to her as I felt.

So, I agree with the other people above. Try to find a way to empathize. Try to not make comparisons. Try to cherish what you have. Try to make a personal improvement project out of having a decent (if cordial and somewhat distant) relationship with her and let your graciousness be a model to other people who are behaving badly. You can't change what's going to be happening, but you can make yourself officially part of the Not Making it Worse brigade. Commiserate with your partner and try to help other people in the family cope with getting "stuck" with someone with such poor social skills. I know it's not easy but best of luck.
posted by jessamyn at 5:15 PM on February 21

I share a similar situation with regard to members of my family, but they've always been there, likely have long lives ahead of them and aren't going to get any less evil - so hoping for a divorce or an early grave for anyone isn't really an option for me either. Plus, I hate feeling like an awful person just because other people are morally decrepit.

What I do is have a little mantra that I repeat to myself when I'm with them: "Be polite and count the minutes". The time I spend with them is really such a small percentage of my life, and keeping perspective on that is hard, but it helps.

The other thing came from a book our daughter has - Zen Shorts. One story within it involves two monks who encounter a rude, imperious lady who ordered her servants around and didn’t want to step out of her sedan chair into a muddy puddle. The older monk picked her up and set her down on the other side of the puddle, but she just pushed him out of her way, not thanking him. The younger monk spent the next several hours fuming, and when he could not stand it any longer said to the older monk “That woman back there was very selfish and rude, but you picked her up on your back and carried her. Then she didn’t even thank you!” The older monk responded, “I set that woman down hours ago… Why are you still carrying her?”

So, learning not to fume about these people when I don't have to was a huge part of becoming an all-around happier person. Try to minimize your anticipation, use your energy to do your best during the occasions when you engage with her, and learn to dismount after contact.

There were various things I learned to do to keep it "in the now". I reminded that my friends were just asking how it was going with them to be polite - they didn't really want a long conversation with me about them, no matter how entertaining I made the relatives' foibles seem. I stopped my mother from telling any story about them that I'd heard more than once. I'd get up and walk around or something if I felt like picking them apart with my husband, taking time to choose how to relate the latest developments more briefly rather than get into another litany of complaints.

And beyond all that, I remember my own personal motto: I do not let how other people are be the measure of the person that I want to be. So coping might just be focusing on yourself, not her, and asking, "How would my best self deal with this right now?", and leave what happened before and what will likely happen aside. Warm wishes for all the best - it's a no-fun situation, I'm sure.
posted by peagood at 6:05 PM on February 21 [4 favorites]

You know that family member that you hate...but you still consider family because...well they're in the family. Yeah...this is just like that, except there is a LOT of room for you to make an ass out of yourself and give this person LOTS of sympathy from everyone else.

Don't be an ass. Just know that if family's were only made of people who connected and liked each other, there would be a lot less emo kids out there.
posted by hal_c_on at 8:34 PM on February 21

If I saw my sister and her family every week, I might have a hard time really hanging out with them. This holds true with my parents, my wife's family, and pretty much everyone that I'm related to in some way. Don't get me wrong, I love my family dearly - all of them, even the ones whom I occasionally want to throttle, and even those that I want to throttle as soon as they open their mouths about certain things. But, I don't get to pick my family - I only get to pick how close they are (~500 miles to the nearest relative on my side and ~160 miles to the nearest on my wife's).

Occasionally we'll visit someone and it will be fascinating, interesting and fun as long as we avoid taboo topics with my inlaws extended family, or my brother-in-law doesn't dissappear in an anti-social puff of smoke thereby leaving my sister to be to sole caregiver for two kids and entertainer for company...

Mostly though we just talk on the phone to them, listen to their advice about how we should raise our child, nod our heads in agreement, say yes *a lot* and then hang up the phone and keep doing what we're doing. When we talk to other relatives, we sometimes listen to them say hurtful things about eachother, or fail to convey some semelance of proper respect for eachother, and we try to cheerlead (when apropriate), console when apropriate and otherwise keep the peace and promote a more tolerant and loving family. We worry and hope that they're happy; my wife prays for them at dinner (I claim that I pray vicariously through her), but we focus on our family first and then maintaining positive chanels of communication to our family members...

As far as advice to you for long term coping though, from what you said - and don't take this the wrong way - get professional therapy. I did it for a year and improved almost every relationship I have. I found closure on issues with my parents, treated some eccentric OCD behaviors (apparently when someone cuts you off in a grocery store its not a normal reaction to not set foot in that grocery store for over a year), worked through a divorce (realizing that my wife had emotionally left me probably before we were even married), identified my strengths and restructured my outlook to highlight them and shield my weaknesses, and fostered enough positive self growth that I was able to walk into work and improve my salary by about 11%. Therapy allowed me to reframe my life, and objectively examine things from *my* perspecitve while taking into account the needs of those around me. In short, it allowed me to regain control of a lot of things that I didn't think I had control over and it helped me prioritize the relationships in my life that were worth keeping.
posted by Nanukthedog at 9:06 PM on February 21

I think there are two aspects to your situation.

Firstly is the resentment you hold against this woman because she seems to be receiving a much warmer, even if undeserved, welcome into the family than you experienced. But this isn't her fault and it's something you have to work through yourself, possibly with the help of your husband and/or a therapist.

If she's a total cow however, be glad that after the wedding it is totally in your hands when and how you interact with her. This is totally in your control and I agree with others about taking the high road. I don't think anyone is expecting you to be friends with her but you can even be civil to complete strangers right? You haven't mentioned anything she's done to you directly (other than annoy you) so as long as the brother in law is happy and the parents aren't going to the poorhouse for her mooching ways you can probably live your life blissfully unaware of her activities for most of the time.
posted by like_neon at 5:26 AM on February 22

I've dealt pretty well with this by sticking to neutral topics, and when I say neutral I mean "wow, tulips are pretty and puppies are cute" kind of neutral. It means I don't have very many substantive conversations with my relatives, but it keeps the peace.
posted by bananafish at 5:13 PM on February 22