Help me 'get' my boss...

February 18, 2009 6:19 PM

I started a new job this week and my new (female) boss is very reserved, very aloof and, well, cold. What’s my cue here? How do I (also female) interact with her and what faux pas should I avoid?

More details:
She is a very busy project manager with a lot on her plate. Her affect likely has a lot to do with the demands of her job.
We sit in neighboring cubicles, so I’m next to her for a good portion of the day. She is not in any way unkind and I don’t believe this has anything to do with me personally or my position in relation to her.

Nevertheless, not knowing how she wants to be treated (not warmly, I assume) and not understanding the meaning of the stiff, formal way she is treating me is making me feel anxious and utterly neurotic! Please help. I need to concentrate my attention on doing my job, not on over-analyzing her personality and how I should relate to it.

posted by kitcat to work & money (15 comments total)

I'm confused... what's the actual problem? What do you expect her to do? Why would you need to do anything other than, say, your job?
posted by restless_nomad at 6:25 PM on February 18 [1 favorite]

I need to concentrate my attention on doing my job, not on over-analyzing her personality and how I should relate to it.

And there's your answer right there.
posted by katillathehun at 6:27 PM on February 18 [8 favorites]

I'm frequently characterized in the same ways. Just be professional, cordial, upbeat, and so on.

Did she hire you? Or did someone else?
posted by jgirl at 6:29 PM on February 18 [1 favorite]

This is so much better than a female boss who expects you to be her BFF. Not that I speak from experience or anything. Be polite and appropriately friendly, but don't overthink it: she probably won't care one way or the other as long as you do your job and act like a professional.
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:38 PM on February 18 [2 favorites]

Her manner doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't like you, I'd assume she's busy and wants to get things done efficiently. So no chit-chat, keep your interactions limited to work. Don't waste her time (or yours) asking about her weekend plans, etc. Not everybody appreciates small talk.

She may be a bit stiffer than usual with a newbie, to give you a clear signal that she's busy and doesn't want to waste time socializing. She may loosen up a little if you appear to get her message. But if you try to be chatty regardless, it probably won't go well for you. Those of us who don't like small talk get really annoyed when people try to force us into fluffy conversations, even if they're just trying to be friendly.

So just take her at face value, do your job efficiently, don't worry about what makes your boss tick, and be glad you don't have the kind of phony-baloney boss who wants to be everybody's pal.
posted by Quietgal at 6:39 PM on February 18 [3 favorites]

You just started this week; she may want to get to know you on a professional level - meaning getting the work done - before venturing further. Some people go very slowly; this can have advantages.
posted by amtho at 6:44 PM on February 18

You smile at her in the morning and say "good morning".

Then you do your job for seven hours or whatever.

Then when you are leaving in the evening you say "good night, see you tomorrow".

Rinse, repeat ad infinitum.
posted by turgid dahlia at 7:00 PM on February 18 [3 favorites]

Are you anxious because she's hard to read, perhaps, and you feel like you'll never be sure where you stand? Are you more social? I don't think it's unreasonable to feel a little unsure of yourself around a very reserved/aloof boss, especially if you're social and expressive. I'd just definitely remain cordial, professional and friendly without prying too much. Just keep telling yourself this isn't about you. It can be hard.
posted by sweetkid at 7:03 PM on February 18

As a female that isn't overtly warm to anyone I don't know particularly well, I sighed when I read this. If your boss were male, would you be analyzing his behavior like this?

I don't entirely understand why you expect her to act any differently than she is, so I can't do much from that angle. The best I can do is explain this the way I see it. For whatever reason, I have encountered women who seem to feel that all women should be outwardly warm and nurturing, especially to other women, and are disturbed/bothered/what-have-you if they encounter a woman who is not. The women that don't exhibit the requisite warmth simply don't have that belief, or understand why they should.

Speaking from experience, it can be very irritating for a woman to get neurotic and overanalyze my behavior just because I'm not smiling huge and making chitchat. I don't do this with men I don't know, why would I treat a woman differently? If it helps, I sighed not because you asked the question -- it's great to ask -- but because it conjured up memories of having to deal with that sort of thing in the past. Please, please don't do that.

I doubt she wants to be treated specially, either. The thing that stood out is you said you assume she doesn't want to be treated "warmly," but I'd be surprised if that's the case. I, at least, don't want people to treat me any different than they would anyone else, so if they're warm to other people, it's fine for them to be warm to me. What's tiresome about being treated differently is that it's a reminder that the other woman somehow sees you as alien because you don't fall into what her ideas of women act like. So if you're warm to everyone else in the office and act weird and stand-offish around her, well, that's not going to be helpful.

Just act however you would normally act.
posted by Nattie at 7:39 PM on February 18 [16 favorites]

Things can get sort of icky for bosses who are chummy with their employees right off the bat; it's difficult, then, to backtrack and Be The Boss when necessary because WTF Dude I thought we were friends! Same with teachers, really. A lot of very good teachers will start the semester being more formal and eventually "reward" their students with a little warmth and humor. I've never been anybody's boss but I have taught a little and it's much more comfortable to set the expectations of a teacher/student or boss/employee relationship from the beginning and let the humanity seep in as appropriate as things progress. (Or not, if the boss discovers her employees can't handle a friendly authority figure.)

I mean, what if you were a slacker goof-off who would try to take advantage or presume upon the good nature of a boss who was friendly or talkative? I wouldn't be surprised if she acts friendlier the longer you work together. But still, the idea might be to be "friendly, but not friends with" her staff. Which is cool, of course. And maybe she's just not chatty. That's not a bad thing...I think I'd rather sit next to cordial-but-quiet than friendly-but-overly-talkative.

(sorry if I'm not making sense; probably too tired to be answering questions)
posted by Neofelis at 9:23 PM on February 18

Different people like different kinds of bosses. Ideally, what would you desire in a boss? Of past bosses you've worked under, pick out the ones you liked best, and describe their best characteristics. Or just fantasize about what your ideal boss would be like.

Sounds like your current boss would be best for a worker who wants to be left alone to do the work. A person who doesn't need interaction with the boss. A person who doesn't need the approval of a parent-figure. A person secure enough about her competence and ability to brush aside the boss's coldness, and realize it's just her management style. A person who doesn't feel that all women workers are sisters sharing a common bond to help each other succeed against whatever.

Now, you may or may not be like that. If you aren't, don't blame yourself. It's just that you won't flourish under this particular boss, and need a different boss to work under — at this company, or another. You deserve a good work environment, so you can do your best work for the company, and your work environment includes the boss you work under.
posted by exphysicist345 at 10:58 PM on February 18 [1 favorite]

"Caring for Your Introvert" may help you understand her more.
posted by Carol Anne at 4:52 AM on February 19 [3 favorites]

You just described me. What you call "aloof" and "cold" and "reserved" I call "focused," "hardworking," "appropriate," and "professional."

I try to maintain good cheer without getting terribly chummy. We're here to work - and there's fun in that, but we're not here primarily to socialize and have fun. The sooner and better our work is done, the more we can enjoy the part of life that really does have fun and conviviality as the central purpose. That's my attitude and maybe hers as well. It does sound like she's under pressure with her tasks, so she's also acutely aware of the value of time and the danger of frittering it away chitchatting - danger both to the lost time and to the message it sends her superiors and her staff.

What I value in employees is, first and foremost, initiative. I don't want to have to micromanage them, and if I am micromanaging, it's because I've sensed there's a problem and need to step in.

Basically, you need to be competent and take initiative, but beware of holing up on your own and losing contact with her. Consider it your priority to communicate with her, because she may assume everything is fine if she's not hearing from you, but she needs to hear how things are going. Ask her how she'd like to stay informed about your work. Project competence and ease with your tasks. Maybe she'd like you to send a weekly summary of your activity, or maybe she'd like 20 minutes to sit down each week or month and go over pressing issues. Be direct. If you feel like you're in over your head, go to her and say "I feel like I'm in over my head."

Give her the benefit of the doubt. She's probably a lovely person. It's likely she doesn't view work as a social outlet because her social life outside of work is rich and self-sustaining. She comes to work to work, and wants you to do that, too. Focus on the tasks at hand and do them well. There's no need to be dour or brusque about that, just don't expect Buddy Boss. She'll feel best about you and be happiest with you when the work of the department is going well.
posted by Miko at 8:01 AM on February 19 [1 favorite]

You've described my boss. It's great. She leaves me alone to do what I need to do. I say hello and goodbye to her, and ask her work-related questions, but I save the chummy conversations for my coworkers. During my review, she was effusive in her praise for me, so apparently I hit the right note. Just be polite and acknowledge her presence. She will let you know if she wants more interaction.
posted by desjardins at 9:52 AM on February 19

As it turns out, she did warm up a bit in time. Took about 3 weeks. She is very
no-nonsense. Beyond that, I think her 'coolness' was quite deliberate and calculated. She wanted me to be a wee bit scared of her and focus on my job so that she could see if I was up to it. She's a great boss, leaves me be, and gives me positive feedback every so sparingly and at just the right moments, which is clever on her part.

You guys were absolutely right in encouraging me not to take it personally. And to be glad I have a boss like her. Thanks.
posted by kitcat at 2:12 PM on March 21 [1 favorite]