Should I delete my Facebook account? What are my other options?

February 17, 2009 10:33 AM

Should I delete my Facebook account? What are my other options?

I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook. With regards to staying connected with people who you otherwise see only rarely, it's very handy. Also, without it I might otherwise miss out on certain events that friends post casually on there. I wouldn't get to know what everyone is up to or see friends' pictures posted. I wouldn't get to "stalk" new friends and dates on it, as well as check up on people from my past that I haven't talked to in a while.

However, I also find Facebook to be really annoying and frustrating. It is a time drain. I'm not really comfortable having a huge list of casual contacts (that person at your job who talked to you twice and that guy you met at a cafe once) know what I'm up to in my personal life and who I hang out with. I've burned some bridges in the past so I like to keep my past and present separated. Facebook also makes me worry about my popularity (or lack thereof). For example, why hasn't anyone posted on my wall recently?? Were pictures posted for a friend's party to which I was not invited? Do some of my contacts have me on a limited status where I don't get to see their status updates in my feed? Why did the new friend who used to write on my wall stop? Et cetera. One cannot really answer these sorts of questions with any accuracy

Now, I guess the perfect solution would be that I suddenly become very laidback and not worry about such trivial matters. This being real life, however, that is not going to happen anytime soon. I have tried to use FB on a more limited basis, but in a way you can't; if people write on your wall you're pretty much obligated to write back. Then suddenly you're on it all of the time having the same concerns that I specified above.

Do any of you have these same concerns? What do you think is a good way to deal with this? Is it worth deleting my account? Do I need to tell everyone why? I appreciate your thoughts and feedback.

posted by mintchip to technology (33 comments total)

if people write on your wall you're pretty much obligated to write back.

1) You really aren't, but I'll admit it is hard to get past that

2) Turn it off. It's under Privacy settings.
posted by niles at 10:35 AM on February 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Just delete it.

My reason for deleting my account is not the same as yours--I'm just generally against companies monetizing my relationships with other people--but I've deleted mine and not regretted it for a second.
posted by dydecker at 10:44 AM on February 17

I do, indeed, have these concerns. For a long time, I dealt with them by not having a Facebook account. Now that I do have a FB account, though, I deal with them using a combination of privacy settings and not-giving-a-shit.

You might be able to find a compromise solution where you keep the account, but don't use it for much or check it very often. Based on my limited FB forays, this seems to be a popular approach. If you decide to delete your account for these reasons, it might be better if you don't tell everyone why. They probably don't want to hear it.
posted by box at 10:46 AM on February 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

I would say that if it's causing such strife for you, then yes, you should delete your account. I would also recommend looking within to figure out why it makes you so anxious, because it's unlikely that your anxiety about interpersonal interactions is solely limited to Facebook.
posted by desjardins at 10:46 AM on February 17 [5 favorites has favorites]

You might to reset your privacy settings so that only certain people see parts of your profile and certain profiles appear on your news feed as discussed in this snarktastic FPP recently.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:46 AM on February 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Perhaps the recent changes to Facebook's terms of use will affect your decision. Here are two news articles from today. Please note that I just stumbled across these on Google News today; I'm not really up on the whole debate (although I don't have a Facebook account myself):

Facebook's Terms Of Use Draws Protest (Information Week)

Facebook Critics: Get Out Of Our Face (something called ChannelWeb)
posted by amtho at 10:55 AM on February 17

If you decide to keep it, you can lock down your profile so that only existing friends can see it, and more importantly, you can restrict Facebook's search results so that only existing friends or networks that you're in can find you. But ultimately, it doesn't really sound like you're enjoying facebook, so why not just delete your profile and move on with your life?
posted by pdb at 10:56 AM on February 17

I have an account but no wall, and I turned off all Facebook emails, so I never hear from Facebook. I left a message on my page saying that if people want to contact me, they should send me a regular email. I look at the site once a week or so to catch up. If you can do this, you might be able to stay with Facebook. Otherwise, I vote for deletion. I also agree that you might look at ways to reduce your anxiety about friendship in general, because it shouldn't be this hard.
posted by PatoPata at 10:57 AM on February 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

why hasn't anyone posted on my wall recently??

Why did the new friend who used to write on my wall stop?

if people write on your wall you're pretty much obligated to write back

Keep the account; just stop worrying so much about the "wall."
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:01 AM on February 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

"Other options" ? How about "the world outside"

Go make real friends
posted by phrakture at 11:02 AM on February 17

Do any of you have these same concerns?

Absolutely. I could have easily written this exact same question. I thought about deleting my facebook account but decided to see what life would be like without using it. So as a test, I deleted fb links from my toolbar and the most visited folder and have not logged in since Feb 1. I figure I will keep this up at least until March 1 and then make a decision.

Right now I am now leaning towards not deleting my account. If I were to do that, I risk offending some people who don't know I deleted my account and think I deleted them. For now I have turned off notifications and if people ask in real life "Hey I wrote on your wall..." I just say, sorry, I am rarely on fb these days. Eventually people will just become aware of that fact and call/email rather than write on your wall.
Keeping the account also leaves the option of using it to check out a new person/date that you've met.

Good luck. FWIW, I've felt a lot better in the past few weeks. No more angst. No more worrying about FOMO. When I run into a friend, it's nice to ask "So what have you been upto lately?" and not already know everything they are about to say.
posted by special-k at 11:04 AM on February 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Maybe you can do what I do? Have a Facebook account but never log into it.

Part of this is probably my personality, but I don't worry about any of that stuff you seem to worry about because I'm never actually using Facebook. I get an e-mail notification if someone writes on my wall, and I may or may not write back. Since I'm never on Facebook, though, and I'm not flitting about writing on other people's walls, hardly anyone writes on my wall. That means that I don't log in ever, but also that I don't have the expectation that anyone would write on mine -- I have no reason to be paranoid or disappointed.

I keep the account because if I want to contact someone I haven't talked to in a long time, it makes that possible. People's phone numbers and e-mails change, but they tend to keep their Facebook. It also makes it possible to just see what someone is up to without even contacting them. The ole "Huh, so-and-so is married now, how about that?"

You can try saying, "Okay, I'm not going to log in Facebook for a month," and see how that goes. If you just can't help yourself, then it might be better to delete it.
posted by Nattie at 11:07 AM on February 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Just let it ride. I've been on facebook for 3+ years now, and I rarely check on it. Maybe once every 6 weeks, unless I'm sent a personal message or something. Even then, I don't feel obligated to write back, accept friend requests or anything else with any speed.

I don't want to lose the connections with other people, so I still keep it around. I don't feel like I need to do anything to "maintain" it. Just don't login, don't respond to posts, and more or less ignore it. People understand. Facebook is a tool for you to use, not the other way around.
posted by JuiceBoxHero at 11:11 AM on February 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

I deleted my account. I would say that I am actually much more in the moment in my real life as a result.

The new terms of service policies are draconian enough to make me glad I don't post my photography on there anymore, also.
posted by zhivota at 11:17 AM on February 17

I think lots of people at times feel the same way with Facebook, I've had friends who have told me they feel the same way and I know I have. When I start to feel to anxious about it, I set my notifications to email me if I have a new message or friend request and unless one of those things happen (which I feel I should reply to), I don't log on. Deleting it from your bookmarks as mentioned above is a good idea as well.

I have not deleted my account at this point as I live in a different country from most of my friends and family and I think it's a brilliant way to keep in touch with them (even my mom's on FB), but this does not mean I need to spend time on there every single day. At the moment, I am just trying not to log on and I'll see how that goes before I consider active deletion.
posted by triggerfinger at 11:32 AM on February 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

It sounds like you want to be able to look up new friends and dates and stay updated with friends, but are paranoid about people doing the same?

Where on earth did you get the idea that you're obligated to write back every time someone posts on your wall? It seems like you maybe just don't quite "get" Facebook and so you've developed an interpretation of how it is supposed to work. And since that interpretation is a little off, you're freaking out because your friends are not following your conventions.
posted by desuetude at 11:33 AM on February 17

I'd say maybe keep it but don't sweat it so much! Use it however much or little you want. Other people's expectations are not your problem.
posted by scrawlyman at 11:36 AM on February 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

It is a time drain.

Facebook doesn't stalk me, pounce at moments of vulnerability, and suck out my time like an active preditor. It takes about as much time as I give to it, and if I'm in a mode where I will waste time on it, I would probably waste that time on something else.

Now, it's possible that you do need to draw a bright red line or stage a habit-altering self-intervention by deleting your account, just like some people cancel their WoW subscription or disable their metafilter account in order to cut back. But given the real value of facebook as a social utility, I'd think twice about just cutting out, despite all the things that really annoy me about it, so if an extra dab of self-discipline (combined with a few heaping tablespoons of un-urgency about responding to every interaction on the site) will solve your problem, I'd guess that's a better option.

I'm not really comfortable having a huge list of casual contacts (that person at your job who talked to you twice and that guy you met at a cafe once) know what I'm up to in my personal life and who I hang out with.

This one's fairly easy. You can create friend "lists" in facebook, and you can control which lists see your status updates and other information. Everybody else won't.

I've burned some bridges in the past so I like to keep my past and present separated.

Ignore friend requests from burnt bridges or the ridiculous ones from people you met once and didn't have any real rapport with. A little mean, but dude, it's your facebook account, your time, your life. If you decide you'll happily build your own network to include anybody who feels friendly enough toward you to add you as a friend, that's great, but if you want to pick and choose, to hell with anybody who doesn't like it.
posted by namespan at 11:38 AM on February 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

I got rid of facebook today myself, and I did it in the past. I prefer all the apps that facebook tries to emulate, like twitter, flickr, gmail, AIM, etc.

I found that very few of my early adopter friends used it (just like how I only logged in once every six months) but in the last few months tons of weird old high school and college friends I haven't talked to (and don't want to, frankly) in ten years started sending messages and adding me as a friend and it just got weird.
posted by mathowie at 11:43 AM on February 17

When Friendster first came out, my friend described it to me as "digital middle school". I was like, "Dude, most people hated middle school. Can you make it sound *less* appealing?" Now obviously, not everyone sees FB and its ilk this way. Some people treat it like classmates.com, some people treat it like linkedin, but look at your post:

Facebook also makes me worry about my popularity (or lack thereof). For example, why hasn't anyone posted on my wall recently?? Were pictures posted for a friend's party to which I was not invited? Do some of my contacts have me on a limited status where I don't get to see their status updates in my feed? Why did the new friend who used to write on my wall stop? Et cetera. One cannot really answer these sorts of questions with any accuracy

This sounds exactly like middle school. Do you want to voluntarily go back to middle school?
posted by jeb at 11:59 AM on February 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Facebook also makes me worry about my popularity (or lack thereof).

Eh, it's just a tool, it can be used for good or ill. Having been thrown off Facebook, then allowed back on, I consider it like a consider the phone: it can be annoying, but it's there for to use as I see fight. Sometimes I don't pick up the phone when X person calls, or I'm tired or I'm busy doing something else. Same with Facebook, if I feel like using it or writing or someone's wall or participating in some game they've sent, I will. If not, forget about it and if a friend can't handle that, well somehow the world will go on.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:16 PM on February 17

The facebook experiment is a weird and interesting one, to me. I like it, but i am the sort of person who has a lot of people in various parts of my life that i've lost track of or who've moved away (part of living in NYC is that people always leave, plus I lived in about 5 different places growing up). But, I do notice there are active users, who post updates or have active walls, and inactive users, friends who seem to check in every couple months or so. If I write on their walls, i totally don't expect to hear back from them. I just wanted to say something - but I know they have lives and things going on, and probably won't respond.

There have been a couple times I've been disappointed not to hear back, after writing a more personal FB email or whatever, to people I thought I had connections with. But I got over it and don't hold any grudges or anything. In fact I feel like it helps me remember not to take myself too seriously. There's no reason to worry over whether someone will confirm a friendship, or if they'll be upset if I don't write to them. It's both 'just the internet' so it's not as harsh as real life, and as important, it's the reality of friendships to some extent: not everyone always has time for you, you don't always have time for everyone. Try not to take it personally.

Enjoy what you do enjoy, set your privacy levels so you're comfortable, turn off the emails if that irks you, and check in once a week or whatever. You can even say something on your status about being busy if you think people will feel slighted ... But in the end, they have to learn to grow up a little too.

Maybe the whole thing makes us all a little too vulnerable and it won't last because of that, but I don't think time wasting is a good excuse - surely mefi, twitter, AIM and all the rest waste time just as well... The difference with facebook is it's all in one place and it's you, not a screen name / icon. It's the closest thing to a virtual world we've done so far...
posted by mdn at 12:28 PM on February 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

You don't need to delete it, but you are giving it a lot of power. What does it matter how many Facebook friends you have or who wrote on your wall? Facebook's a trivial, but amusing, little piece of fluff.

This is one of those times that not giving a crap is really a smart choice.
posted by 26.2 at 12:56 PM on February 17

Deactivate your wall, turn off email notifications, and tell your friends to contact you by email. Maybe even write on your page that you will not respond to facebook messages, only e-mail.

Then delete all facebook pages from your browser history, so that you aren't tempted to go every time you type "f" into the address bar.

Then just never go again.

And if you ever need/want to get in touch with an old friend, you know where to find them.
posted by alligatorman at 12:57 PM on February 17

Hey Brandon B- I joined Facebook just to join that group!

But that doesn't really answer mintchip's question. So, if it even matters anymore, I agree with several others who say you just need to take a step back. I was on FB all the time when there were many other things I could be doing, and all these people that I never liked in school were friending me and asking me to accept their gifts of fish or plants or some such nonsense, and I was accepting them and it just got to be too much arrrrrrgh! Now I log in once a week or so, see what people are up to, and that's about it. People I want to talk to I actually talk to (or e-mail), and people I don't, well, I still know what they're up to and that's good enough.
posted by dogmom at 1:42 PM on February 17

Do any of you have these same concerns?

Yes.

What do you think is a good way to deal with this?

Don't use Facebook.

It's okay to keep your life offline/retain your privacy, really.

Is it worth deleting my account?

In my opinion, yes.

Do I need to tell everyone why?

If asked, you can say you felt it was a waste of time, and make sure folks have your email address/mobile number if they want to get in touch.
posted by trunk muffins at 2:14 PM on February 17

If you don't like facebook, you don't have to have it. If it's really worth it for you to contact someone, you will find another way and if someone has something worth saying to you, he or she will find another way.

You have no obligation to explain deleting your facebook account. If anyone is concerned about it, they will e-mail you or call you or (gasp) come over and talk face-to-face.
posted by thewestinggame at 2:51 PM on February 17

I log on to Facebook about once a season. I am perfectly happy with this arrangement.

Just don't GO there so dang much. I know it's hard, and especially if you are compulsive, but not knowing in great detail "why hasn't anyone posted on my wall yet?" is surprisingly freeing.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:07 PM on February 17

it's there for to use as I see fight

Classic typo that illustrates the angst that some people have. It should be fun, not angsty. Log out and go live.
posted by CunningLinguist at 4:56 PM on February 17

I say leave it up to fate. For example, if this post number ends with 42 I'm deleting my facebook account.
posted by mullingitover at 5:35 PM on February 17

there are plenty of people who i comment on that i know won't write back. i know they don't hate me, they just have better things to do! everyone has FB friends that are on all the time, and those that are on like once a year, and most people fall somewhere between. if every single person on FB was on as much as you feel you need to be, it would be insanity. don't worry about it.
posted by lblair at 5:52 PM on February 17

Here's an idea:

1. Set it up so that you receive updates, just in case you get contacted by someone you haven't heard from in a long time, and make sure the information on your page is simple and nothing you might want to pull down in a hurry.

2. Have someone you trust (your mom!) change the password to something else on your behalf.

Now you'll have notifications in case there's something you really want to bother with, but won't be able to check in daily or weekly -- and you can call your mom if it turns out to be something you really need to do.
posted by davejay at 6:25 PM on February 17

I'd keep it. It can come in handy if you ever need to find someone who worked for some company to see if they have the contact info for someone else or whatever. Sometimes you never know and it's easier to find someone if you need to. Or if you're going to be doing fundraising for a marathon or anything, it doesn't hurt to have an extra way of contacting people - you'd be surprised at how many acquaintances will donate to a cause they belive in, and if you deleted fb you lost that chance. There are a ton of other examples like this.

But don't feel like you have to respond to people's wall posts. And if you're concerned about your lack of popularity, then have facebook email you notifications like invites and wall posts and messages... this way you only log in when you know you have a reason to, and after a week you'll stop obsessively logging in everyday and wondering if someone said anything to you or not. After a while you'll forget about fb and won't even notice that no one's writing to you on a regular basis. But if you keep your acct you still have the chance of contacting people or being contacted by people you'd normally lose all contact with.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 7:49 PM on February 17