Should I, or should I not meet with my estranged relatives?

February 16, 2009 11:49 AM

Should I, or should I not meet with my estranged relatives?

Thanks to facebook, a number of estranged cousins have tracked me down and extended a "hello." I have not seen these cousins since I was five years old, and other than remembering some of their names and fuzzy memories of hanging out, I do not remember them - they are all 8-20 years older than me. I'm curious about them, wonder what they're like - what they look like, what their mannerisms are, what their health history is like, because after all, we are blood related, and I'm at least a bit curious about them. It's a bit weird though to have them post comments to all my facebook stuff or have them suddenly be so proactive in getting or wanting to catch up after 20+ years of estrangement. As I mentioned, they're all older, and they remember me individually - to me they're a vague bunch of cousins. I don't know them at all.

As for why we're estranged, it relates back to family conflict. My parents met in the United States shortly after immigrating. They both came from different religions, cultures, skin colors, continents, etc. They fell in love, but my mother's side of the family (where all these first cousins come from) did not support it, and especially did not support her (solely personal choice) to convert religions. They sent hate mail, made harassing phone calls, including my long-deceased maternal grandfather aggressively pushed my dad out of their house, with the support of my mom's siblings. Some of their kids (my cousins) were involved in some of this. I've read some of the letters. Some of them make reference to my siblings and I, including an isolating "you and your children will never amount to anything in life." This, as if we were my dad's kids, and not my mom's - tainted, different, and not related to them.

Their harassment prompted us to uproot away from the vicinity in which they all lived, my parents met, and my siblings and I were born. A number of years later (phone calls and letters from them continued) my mother got cancer and passed away. I know the ferociousness of cancer - but I attribute a significant part of her suffering from cancer to the anguish received from her family. I do not blame them entirely for her death, but I am a firm believer in a comprehensive health - they put a major strain on her emotionally, psychologically, etc, that I believe certainly attributed to her decline.

So fast forward 15-20 years. I'm in my late 20's. I've had zero contact with my mom's side of the family. I think some of her siblings came to her funeral, but it was kind of a blur. I don't know. I now live in the same metropolitan area as them. Several of them have contacted me on facebook, posted pictures/commentary on my mom in family photo albums, and I'm confused. They've shown my picture (and I think pictures of my siblings) to their parents, who caused my mom and dad such grief. Most of my mom's siblings are still alive, but all in their 70's. They (aside from one uncle) have never apologized for treating her the way they did. And now my aunts and cousins are saying how much we look like our mom, how beautiful we are, etc. This, from the same people who considered us more my dad's kids, than their sister's. We were not a part of them, and now we suddenly resemble grandmother, great-grandmother so and so?

I don't know how to handle or deal with this. I'm related to these people, but I do not know them. I attribute the declining health of my mom to them in a significant way. On the one hand, I think being mixed is such an incredible blessing, have devoted my studies and goals to cultural and religious conflict issues, and know that I have it easy - being one generation down, it's so easy for see different sides simultaneously and looking beyond such superficial differences comes naturally. But I know that it was an incredibly different thing 40+. And so I'm angry at my mom's siblings (and by some involvement and association, their kids) for being so damn ignorant, yet not. Because I come from a naturally plural background. They did not. Yet they have never apologized for their actions.

My dad has a lot of psychological/emotional problems. Some related to how he was treated by them and dealing with my mom's illness and eventual death, and some issues from his childhood. He would be devastated to know I/we have had contact with them. He gets devastated at the thought of it (I know this, because he has made incorrect assumptions and gotten extremely emotional).

But here I am, 10 miles or so away from my relatives. I've been in the area for over a year, and it kind of saddens me that I could be walking around the city, passing a relative, and not even know it. Yet, I do not know them at all. I feel weird that they seem to want to get to know me too. I don't want to be cold to them, yet when my cousins are commentating on my pictures, status messages, posted items on a consistent basis, it's weird. I know they're just trying to reach out, but it's a little much for people I haven't seen since I was in pre-school.

Years ago, I used to envision one day confronting my aunts about their behavior. Now these women, by way of their kids, are getting a look into how I'm doing now. I don't really know what to make of this. I would like to meet them perhaps (am naturally curious), but am afraid, per some of their behavior, it might be a little too "oohhh foofy foofy fun family reunion!" but I just don't know them. They also seem to have stories about my mom that I am interested in learning about. I know very very little about her, and am worried that if I don't take advantage of that, I may never get to know much about what she was like. I also don't want to crush my dad.

Has anyone ever been through meeting estranged relatives? How did it turn out? Can you give me any suggestions in dealing with the sudden bombardment of interest in you, from people you haven't seen in decades?

posted by anonymous to human relations (23 comments total)

Many years have passed and society in general has changed so much. It's very likely your mother's family do not hold the same views as they used to. You can give them the benefit of the doubt and make tentative efforts to get to know your mother's side of the family. If it turns out not to be a positive experience, if it turns out they are the same bigoted bunch as they were 30 years ago, if they don't give at least some indications of being sorry for the way they treated your mother, you can always back away again.
posted by orange swan at 12:04 PM on February 16

I think you have a lot of stuff that you need to sort out before you meet your relatives. Right now, it sounds to me like you're making them scapegoats for some of your unresolved issues having to do with your mother's death and your father's illness. I think things are destined to go badly until you can distinguish between your legitimate anger at how they treated your parents, on the one hand, and the pain that you're suffering because of your parents' other issues and problems, on the other.

Your cousins were very young when all of this happened. Even the oldest ones were still young adults, and their opinions about all sorts of stuff were probably not fully formed. I would try really hard to forgive them for the part they played in your family's estrangement. For one thing, it's very likely that they've had to fight their own battles to free themselves of the cultural expectations that hurt your family so much. They may be seeking you out because they identify with or even envy you at this point.

My family has dealt with some similar stuff, and it hasn't been easy at all. I think you could benefit a lot from getting to know your mom's family, but I would take it slowly and try to think a lot about your own motivations and attitudes.
posted by craichead at 12:18 PM on February 16

It seems like you're carrying a lot of resentment -- justified but useless to you. And now, you're being tempted by the very real and useful benefits of forgiving them: information, possibly a warm connection with blood relations that live nearby. Have you thought about what it would take to forgive them? If you truly believe in holistic health, wouldn't finding a way to forgive them be a good move for your health, regardless of whether or not they deserve it?

I'm not saying it would be easy. What they did had such a large impact on your life (even just moving away would be quite difficult).
posted by salvia at 12:24 PM on February 16

My grandparents were aghast when my cousin started dating a black girl (never mind she's a doctor...). They got over it, and love the resulting great-grandbabies just as much as the rest of them.
posted by notsnot at 12:26 PM on February 16

A couple of years ago, I independently contacted some cousins who I had no memory of ever meeting (I'd last seen them when I was quite young) and with whom my dad (their uncle) is not friends. I then happened to be driving through their town on the way to somewhere else. When I told them I would be in the neighborhood, they graciously invited me and my traveling companions to stay for the night and enjoy a home-cooked meal. I was very nervous about meeting them and about what they might assume about me because of my dad but it turned out fine. My cousins could not have been nicer, better people. A few months later I was able to meet another cousin through the first cousin.

Looking back, it's as if I lived so many years with half a family and now I have a whole one. I found people who share my mannerisms and who even look a bit like me.

I would say the most important thing to remember is that you made choices and actions and feel a certain way and you are not your parents. Likewise, try not to judge the people you'll meet for actions their parents may have taken. If your cousins are reaching out and trying to be friendly, you could give them a chance. Keep it light at first and then if everything seems ok, perhaps you can become friends.
(my $0.02)
posted by thewestinggame at 12:33 PM on February 16

He would be devastated to know I/we have had contact with them.

This would be my answer. Don't do anything to hurt your dad.
After he's gone, you can make overtures and satisfy your curiousity.

I have no close relatives but there are scads of cousins on the West Coast that I've never met. I'm curious about them but would never attempt to look them up because, for the same reason - historical wrongs - it would devastate my mother if I did. I'm curious about them, but not enough to upset my mom.
posted by CunningLinguist at 12:44 PM on February 16 [1 favorite]

This actually sounds a lot like my family although with the genders of parents reversed. I think my family situation is less vitriolic than the one you describe but I really haven't had very much contact at all with my father's extended family at all, partially through distance. Things might be different if I were nearer to them (I'm a continent away) but I'm not sure. I am, however happy to be in electronic contact with anyone who gets in touch with me, for example when my first cousin's daughter contacted me recently about making a family tree, I gave her all my side's details but that's about it. I'm not that bothered to see my father's siblings (apart from one who keeps in touch.) Who knows, one day I might meet up with my cousins, but to be honest I feel no real desire to.
posted by ob at 12:48 PM on February 16

NO. N. O. My girlfriend met with her estranged relatives. Estranged for a reason. For one dinner. And, years later, she is still trying to extricate herself from their many-tentacled influence.
posted by mr. remy at 1:11 PM on February 16

I think it's a good idea, but I get your apprehension over the foofy foofy family fun reunion possibility. I would maybe identify ONE of these cousins, maybe the one closest to you in age, or the one you remember liking the most as a kid, and either ask to meet with them individually or start written communication with them before meeting. If they're reasonable, they may be able to make your re-immersion less scary. If they act all loony-pants about it, then you can escape without too much awkwardness/heartache.

As others have alluded to, your cousins' participation in the treatment of your mother may not be entirely their fault. They could have just been going off of whatever crappy ideas their parents were filling their heads with; and never really got to know your mom & dad apart from that; or once they saw through the BS their parents were selling.

There is a similar situation in my family. My brother, the oldest of 5, disassociated himself from our family about 10 years ago. At the time he had two pre-schoolers and a baby on the way. Another brother lives about a mile and a half from him, and also had a baby on the way at the time of the estrangement. The two older kids (twins) are about to turn 18, and one of them recently sought me out on Facebook. There hasn't been much activity there, as I don't want to start World War III by saying the wrong thing to my brother's minor child, but I'm glad I have the possibility.
posted by redbed at 1:17 PM on February 16

I would do the following. Your mileage may vary.

I would meet one of them, at a neutral location, for coffee. Or some other similar beverage. They might be the same people they were years ago, or they might be completely different. Go for coffee, and find out. If you like them, and they you, you can do more and more to keep in touch, like visiting each other's houses, etc.

A nice neutral location and something like coffee give you a chance to walk away, because you haven't gone to their house, and you haven't say down for a meal. You can get away quickly if they're a complete nutcase.

Go and try it. If you don't like it, you're out one afternoon and the price of a coffee. If you do like it, then you have another section of your family to get to know.
posted by Solomon at 1:45 PM on February 16

I agree with cunninglinguist to a point, but you should also give your own desire to know more about your mother a fair shake. There has got to be some ground you can find between no contact & honoring your father and chummy family reunions. Whatever it is, you should be honest with your father about it.

Perhaps you can bring it up with your dad and be very I-want in your presentation about it. State your desire to know more about her. State how conflicted you are about the fact that you're in an area where you might be able to get access to pictures and things but that you aren't comfortable with these people and don't want to hurt him.

Just remember, your dad loves you and wants you to be happy the same as you want it for him. There's nothing wrong with asking him to help find some ground where you can both be gratified in this.
posted by phearlez at 2:01 PM on February 16

It is very possible that they are reaching out because they think that the whole estrangement was based on incredibly offensive ideas, and would like to mend the rift enough to at least be on polite terms with their long-lost cousin.

I'm with Solomon. Perhaps one meeting with one cousin at a neutral location to assess the situation.
posted by desuetude at 2:07 PM on February 16

Look, it isn't like they don't know that there was an estrangement. They may not know all of your parents side of things, or even completely remember what happened. Your mother's parents might feel guilty about what happened-or not-or not in the way you'd imagine. You'll only know if you ask.

Just be honest. You don't need to be accusatory. But I don't think it would be fair to them or to you to not be up front with them about your ambivalence. I'd tell them that you'd like to get to know them but that you have unanswered questions. They might have a few of their own. You can't assume they're penitent, or that they'd do things differently. The contact might indicate that they would, but there are no guarantees.

Ask them what sort of reunion they want. If you ask with an open heart, and minimal hostility, you shouldn't put them off.

You don't need to involve your dad in this, and you don't need to get his blessing. He may not like you getting in touch with them, but he surely can understand your desire to at least see your mother's family.
posted by Grrlscout at 2:12 PM on February 16

You obviously have some interest in getting to know these people, despite what they may have done to your parents and to you. Though their familial mistreatment towards you may have been indirect, it still has affected you greatly by denying you these connections for all these years. And I think you should be applauded for, despite your warranted apprehension and resentment towards them, trying to be a bigger and more loving person.

However, despite the fact that your father may not be thinking or acting clearly, I feel like you owe him a loyalty that you don't owe these people. It would be different if anyone apologized -- or even acknowledged -- what they did to you and your parents. They -- and perhaps you -- may feel that by making contact with you they are accepting you and by extension, your mother's decision and maybe even your father. And while you may be open minded enough to see why your family was so ignorant in the past, you and your parents deserved better then AND now.

Until a more direct acknowledgement is made of what they did to you and yours, they don't deserve you giving any sort of attention -- especially if it may "crush" your dad. Family connections are important, but actions are more important than bloodlines.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:20 PM on February 16

I think the more important question is this: what are you going to get out of hanging out with virtual strangers with whom you have little to nothing in common? If meeting with them is going to waste your time and bring up stupid drama best left forgotten, don't bother. Life is too short.
posted by aquafortis at 3:22 PM on February 16

From what I read of your post I'm assuming most of what you know about them comes from your father, who is probably justified in his views, however we all have our biases and by meeting them you'd at least get a better idea of who they really are. Perhaps the conflict wasn't so extreme at it seems. Maybe there were other factors that influenced your mother's family's behaviour, ones that may explain such harsh reactions. Maybe not.

And now you're in a position to know. On top of that, you have an opportunity to get to know more about your mother's early life. You have an opportunity to get to know your mother's background. If I were in your position I would take it. Approach them not as if they're 'family', with all the obligations and expectations attached, but as just some regular people who happened to know your mother. Who had a history with your mother. Who now want, for whatever reason, to get to know you. Talk to them about what happened but remember that you define what the relationship will be. If it's a simple hi-bye-not-interested thing, that's fine. Because these are regular people you have no obligation towards in any way. But if it leads to some closure, to some understanding, then by all means pursue it as far as you like. The curiosity is natural and you have the right to get to know them on your own terms.



So I suggest that you meet them. Just once. Just so you'll finally know what they're really like. At least, during the course of conversation, you'd get to know why they contacted you in the first place, and you'd satisfy some of your curiosity. But remember! You don't owe them anything. And if they come with the notion that hey we're all family, let's rejoice, feel free to be as stony cold as you want. Or any other emotion. Because really, they're strangers. You don't owe them anything. But I think you owe it to yourself to get some closure on the entire thing. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
posted by parjanya at 3:25 PM on February 16 [1 favorite]

I've met a couple relatives via facebook, and it was sort of nice, but also sort of awkward. They were people I didn't know due to geographical distance, not estrangement, so I didn't have any of the painful emotional stuff you have going. I can tell you, though, that there's something unique about meeting relatives that adds an extra dimension of... let's say presumed access to your life (alerted to my involvement in an on-campus LGBT group by her daughter's facebook friend status with me, my cousin's mother invited me to join her church, which is gay-friendly... a nice gesture, but a little too personal coming from a stranger). It's pretty easy to let unrelated acquaintances turn into either friendships or nothing at all, it's harder to have that flexibility when you (or they) start from a perspective of "We are family, therefore we should be in contact." Personally, I'd tread very carefully.
posted by Meg_Murry at 3:42 PM on February 16

my situation isn't as complicated as yours, regarding cultural and illness issues. but, a bunch of my cousins have suddenly become my facebook friends after years of limited contact.

it felt weird at first, but after a while we all sort of realized that the only reason we weren't all better friends is because our PARENTS didn't think it was important enough for the family to get together. now that we've all started talking on our own, it's amazing how much we have in common.

when families face conflict, it's up to the next generations to either perpetuate it or overcome it. I say give it a shot, take it slow, and if you dont become best friends then no big deal. genes aren't everything, but in particular one of my cousins is so like my sister and me, she could be another sister. i never knew. it's cool. you don't have to be best friends with those who you feel wronged your mom. but your cousins may deserve another chance- even if they did contribute to it, they may have been too young to really understand what they were doing, if they were coerced into it by their own parents. maybe they regret it now?

family is such a weird thing. on one hand, they are just a bunch of people like any other jerks walking down the street. but . . . they're not. you share genes with them and sometimes that doesn't amount to anything, but sometimes it does. i'm not saying YOU owe THEM anything because you don't. but i think you owe it to yourself to at least pursue it a little, because it could end up being really rewarding. if its not, THEN let it go.
posted by lblair at 5:20 PM on February 16

lblair is right. Family is such a weird thing. I'm estranged from my mother's side of the family for similar reasons. They were completely shitty to my mom, treated my brother and I like crap, and didn't even come to her funeral when she died (also of cancer). The cousins I think had little to do with it, but we just can't possibly have anything in common. My mom was a loving person who taught my brother and I to treat people with the utmost respect regardless of their background, and according to my Aunt and Uncle's behavior in the past, I doubt that my cousins were raised similarly. I could give them the benefit of the doubt, but I decided that it would be best for me to just let it go. Sometimes it's painful because as a result of this estrangement, I have a tiny family (my dad, my brother, and a great uncle & aunt on my dad's side). But by the same token, I have wonderful friends (who I CHOOSE to be friends with and include in my life). Every person and case is different. I decided to not friend them on facebook, send them a nice note saying politely that I hope that they're doing well, and I left it at that. Whether or not they are different from my aunt and uncle, my life is good without the drama, and I'd rather not risk it.

lblair is right, especially with the words"it could end up being really rewarding. If it is not, THEN let it go." The key is to let it go if it's not, because you could be dragged down underneath miles of swampy ickyness. But then again, it might not happen and you might actually have a fulfilling relationship with them. But you need to remember to take care of your own emotional well-being.

Best of luck.
posted by cachondeo45 at 6:31 PM on February 16

You've lived with out them for this long, keep up the good work!! This reunion is only going to cost you. Your allegiance should be to your emotionally frail dad and deceased mother. Sorry to be so dour and sour but it's better to let sleeping dogs lie........and deactivate your facebook account, it's a waste of time anyway!
posted by sgobbare at 10:55 AM on February 17

Instead of focusing on your dad, why not think about your mother? Would she have wanted you to know her family? Considering that they reached out to you, perhaps you can give them an opportunity.

However, before you do that it would be helpful to stop demonizing them. Do you really think that they caused your father's emotional problems? There's a certain comfort in casting the villains in our own personal history. If you meet them, you'll have to deal with the fact that they are sometimes good, sometimes bad and sometimes just plain clueless. Just like the rest of us.
posted by 26.2 at 11:15 AM on February 17

I don't know squat about this from personal experience, but I'd recommend reading J is for Judgment by Sue Grafton. The heroine, Kinsey, was an orphan from the age of five and was raised by an aunt, and that was all the family she ever knew of. In the course of the book, she ends up finding out about her mom's side of the family- apparently Grandma was a tough woman who didn't approve of Kinsey's mom marrying a mailman or whatever. Kinsey felt awkward about the whole thing ever since. You might relate.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:32 PM on February 17

[Relative],

Due to the way you and your family treated my mother and father, my father, understandably, still has issues. He's asked me to not have contact with my mother's side of the family. I hope you understand.

Anon
posted by deborah at 1:22 PM on February 19