Figuring out the coldness

February 16, 2009 11:49 AM

Has someone ever treated you coldly as a way to suppress feelings for you?

A female who I work with seems to occasionally act cold towards me and for a while I could not understand why. Lately though I have been suspecting it happens because she has feelings for me and this is her way of preventing it from developing further. Without getting into too many details, because of the company we work for and because of how closely we work together, it would mostly likely cause problems if a relationship did develop. We have never been anything but friendly, but in some ways would be very compatible. Also, it's infrequent, but a few times I have noticed her eyes subtly glancing at me the way someone does when they are checking someone out.

posted by anonymous to human relations (24 comments total)

I very much did this for a few months in college - there was a girl I had a HUGE HUGE crush on, but who was very involved in a relationship. Being too friendly made me a little heartachy, so I purposefully distanced myself, emotionally, from her, and became effectively less friendly toward her than anyone else in the room.
posted by Tomorrowful at 11:52 AM on February 16 [1 favorite]

I've done this in close situations. It sucks to be in that spot.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:55 AM on February 16

I'm with Tomorrowful, when I was married I would be very cold to girls that I was attracted to. It was a protection method.
posted by Hands of Manos at 11:56 AM on February 16

nthing that it's a sort of defense mechanism. It sucks to be on either side of this, but I'm assuming it's being done for a good reason (as you've stated, it's better that things don't develop). Give her some time, and she'll eventually get over it. You guys can then be a bit friendlier towards each other at that point in time.
posted by mittenedsex at 11:59 AM on February 16

This happened to me more than a couple of times with female friends in college, once they realized that there was no chase my long distance relationship (with the woman who is now my wife) was going away. It sucks. You also cannot be sure that this explains the situation, especially if you and she have never had a really close relationship. Given the fact that you must work with the person, it might be worthwhile to just touch base with her and make sure there is no problem brewing between you.
posted by Rock Steady at 12:04 PM on February 16

Chiming in as yet another person who has done this.
posted by salvia at 12:14 PM on February 16

It's standard AskMeFi advice that people who have attractions they can't do anything about should stop flirting with the person they're attracted to. If that isn't enough, they should break off contact completely. If you're in a situation where you work with that person, all you can do is act coldly, I'd imagine.

So in other words, I'm sure this sort of thing happens.
posted by Nattie at 12:15 PM on February 16

It happens ALL the time -- *sigh*
posted by randomstriker at 12:27 PM on February 16 [1 favorite]

It happens, for sure. Nthing everyone above.

But just to be a reality check, I've also had it happen that someone treated me coldly because there was something about me that rubbed them the wrong way. Such is life.

So in essence, maybe.
posted by Lemurrhea at 12:30 PM on February 16 [1 favorite]

I've done this, but sometimes I actually act coldly to someone because they crossed a line; it's possible you were a bit too flirty with her and she shut down not because she was afraid of reciprocating but because she doesn't reciprocate.

Honestly, does it really matter though? You've said yourself developing anything further is a bad idea; her coldness tells you she thinks so too (whether because she's not interested, or because of workplace restrictions). So back off a bit, give it some time, and when you are friendly, make sure it's explicit you're not flirting and not interested in a relationship.
posted by nat at 12:30 PM on February 16

I do this all the time, often subconsciously. Not just as a reaction to some kind of attraction, but as a defense to any sort of emotional connection (frustration, anger, happiness etc) that seems inappropriate for the moment. My friends call it my "Spock-face".

I think it's normal reaction, to distance yourself from an uncomfortable situation.
posted by elendil71 at 12:50 PM on February 16

If you're wrong about this though, you're really, really wrong.

I've done this with guys I could tell (mistakenly) thought I liked them like that, particularly in work or other settings where it wouldn't have been possible or appropriate to have a "just not that into you" talk.
posted by availablelight at 1:10 PM on February 16 [1 favorite]

Been there, done that, both ways. Sounds entirely plausible.

On the other hand, it could be that you're flattering yourself, she really loathes you, and superficial politeness in the workplace occasionally gives way to glares of disgust.

There's no way to tell without something to precipitate a little more disclosure.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 1:21 PM on February 16 [2 favorites]

Lately though I have been suspecting it happens because she has feelings for me and this is her way of preventing it from developing further.

Or should could just think you're kinda a dick. Or she could think that you LIKE HER more than you should. Or you're kind of full of yourself. Maybe you have a big ego and she ends up taking glances at your to remind herself how ridiculous you are.

Or you could be completely right and she does dig you.

Honestly, without more information, this no guarantee that your read is anywhere right which makes this question just a survey on what happens in the real world.
posted by Stynxno at 1:42 PM on February 16 [2 favorites]

Nthing that it's hard to tell without more information.

But if you're asking for a survey, I'll let you know when I've been on her side of the situation, me being cold has meant I wasn't interested in a guy who creeped me out by inappropriately being interested in me far more often than it's meant I was interested in him.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:26 PM on February 16 [2 favorites]

It's a form of self-sabotage that does you a favor later. I used to take salt and dump the entire shaker on my almost-finished food before I learned how to not devour everything in sight. This is not entirely different.
posted by iamkimiam at 5:08 PM on February 16

Just to be clear...I didn't then eat the food.
posted by iamkimiam at 5:09 PM on February 16 [1 favorite]

It really could be anything. You'll find confirmation for your pet theory in this thread, but as several people have noted, it's hard to read what's going on because we're not in her head.

I can't tell you the number of times I've been absolutely, 100% certain I was reading someone correctly, and then checked in with them and found out how incorrect my theory was.

Probably best to stop trying to read her mind, and either have a chat with her about it or simply detach from whatever you had invested in the relationship.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 5:52 PM on February 16

At a job I had years ago, a guy in a support role who I had to deal with every single day seemed to single me out for cold, if not nasty treatment. He would ignore me, tell me to wait my turn when I needed his assistance and was being polite, and generally be an ass. He got along famously with everyone, but just seemed to have it in for me in particular. I avoided him at all costs, and being quite naive, just figured he disliked me for some reason.

At my company farewell party when I left, he got drunk, cornered me and professed his adoration/lust for me. He cried.

While I was outwardly gracious about it, I have to admit to hoping never to see him again, mainly because even though I wasn't into him I just wish he'd treated me decently all along. I thought it was childish for a man in his mid-thirties to act like a boy in the playground, pulling my pigtails because he fancied me.
posted by lottie at 5:53 PM on February 16 [1 favorite]

You should be very careful in making assumptions about the motivations of others' behavior, especially if that behavior is so odd or alien to you that you have to ask a bunch of faceless people on the Internet to interpret it for you. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. If you want to know just ask her. If nothing else, at least the question would be resolved, probably to the relief of you both. Just do it in a way that gives her a safe and graceful out since she seems to be exercising some caution for which you may or may not be the reason.
posted by fuse theorem at 6:30 PM on February 16

Definitely possible. I do this, I'm ashamed to admit. For me, it's a defense mechanism, as I have a terrible habit of fancying men who would never go for me in a million years. If you become skilled enough at freezing people out you can actually make yourself dislike them.

But as you say, she may just feel as you do, and not want to engage in an office relationship. Or she might just really hate you but she also thinks you're kind of hot, which would explain why she might be checking you out. Women do tend to be attracted with their minds and hearts as well as their eyes, but it's entirely possible for us to think someone is the scum of the earth and also lust after them a bit. Not that I'm casting any aspersions on you or your character. Just trying to throw out some possibilities.
posted by katyggls at 10:42 PM on February 16

Um, are you into her, too? I'm nthing everyone else who says she might be trying get you to back the hell off. Sometimes when I get that feeling from a guy who I fear may have gotten the wrong message or who comes across a little too friendly, I go cold and aloof in response just to get him to back off a bit. Same thing with people at work who start unfairly sucking up large amounts of my time with chatter or whatnot. There's nothing here that indicates to me that there's something amiss on her end.
posted by universal_qlc at 11:14 PM on February 16

And a little advice here - if your theory is correct, well, she has her reasons and you should respect that. And if your theory is wrong, then acting on it will be super-creepy-stalker* and damage what rapport you do have. Either way, let it go.

*consider that "your coldness is evidence of how much you like me" sounds pretty damned irrational.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 12:55 AM on February 17

Since you're posting anonymously I can't get this to you privately, but I was thinking about what I said last night, and though I stand by it, I also didn't mean to completely dismiss the possibility that you're correct in your assumption. (You know the situation better than us.) I was just letting you know what me taking those actions have meant when I was in that situation; in other words, I didn't mean to seem like such a dick. Good luck in your situation.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:52 AM on February 17