Are you expected to give a gift whether or not you attend a wedding?

February 15, 2009 11:01 AM

What percentage of people invited to a wedding would you expect to give a gift?

We had a wedding in October. We sent out 82 invites and invited a total of 125 people (some invitations went to families/couples). We had about 90 people attend and received 39 gifts. I've always understood that you sent a gift whether you attended or not but is that not the case? I'm not ungrateful for the gifts we received, the experience, or for the fact that so many people attended. I'm NOT angling for additional gifts and know that we could still receive gifts from those invited. Additionally, I don't expect that every single person would give a gift - families generally give a gift together, etc. However, I am curious if this ratio of invitations to gifts is about the average.

posted by otherwordlyglow to society & culture (39 answers total)

The standard etiquette is that people have one year from the day of the wedding to send a gift however this does seem pretty low.

Does your total include cash gifts?
posted by Bonzai at 11:04 AM on February 15, 2009

I was always under the impression that one was expected to give a gift if one was invited, regardless of whether or not that person was able to attend.
posted by billysumday at 11:08 AM on February 15, 2009

Yes, cash included. Though now I also remembered two other gifts we got. So 41 total.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 11:08 AM on February 15, 2009

41 gifts from 41 individuals? 41 couples? 41 families? Saying you had 90 people attend and received 41 gifts still means that everyone who came to your wedding gave you a gift, if they gave as a couple or as a family. The people who couldn't attend, give them some time - as Bonzai says, a year - to give their gifts.
posted by billysumday at 11:12 AM on February 15, 2009

Well, assuming that 90 people were paired up; that gives you 45 expected gifts...so 41 seems right on target.

As to invitation vs. gift, I disagree with billy, gifts are not expected from people who do not attend the ceremony.

You may also see up to 15% or so of folks who send presents when they don't attend, but generally that's only true of people over 40, who remember a different set of rules than those which have become current.
posted by dejah420 at 11:13 AM on February 15, 2009

I'd expect one gift per couple/family attending... so it seems roughly ok. If you were hoping for more, you might have to take into consideration the downturn of the economy as to why people aren't feeling more generous. If you weren't close to most of these invitees that didn't attend, or they're from out of town, that might be another reason - no real feeling of obligation or they might have just forgotten.
posted by lizbunny at 11:14 AM on February 15, 2009

I would expect 0% of the people who didn't attend to give me a gift, though I bet some super-close family and friends would even if they couldn't make it. If you're talking strict etiquette here, a gift is never expected, it's something given freely.
posted by Airhen at 11:15 AM on February 15, 2009

With the caveat that you never *expect* a gift, my experience (me and my friends) is that about 90-95% of the people/couples attending a wedding give gifts. I personally send a gift if I've been invited and can't come, as well.
posted by gaspode at 11:16 AM on February 15, 2009

I understand that etiquette gives a year to give a gift. We had a lot of single people at the reception and in looking through my list, I would say there are about 25 invitations (some with more than one person attached to them, some not), that have not (so far) given a gift.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 11:17 AM on February 15, 2009

Well, assuming that 90 people were paired up; that gives you 45 expected gifts...so 41 seems right on target.

Agreed.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:18 AM on February 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

Looking around on the interwebs, I'm discovering that many people advise to give a gift within six months, not a year, of the date of the wedding (d'oh! - I've given gifts long after the six month window before) and that it is highly encouraged to give a gift if you are invited but cannot attend. I've never not a given a gift to a wedding I couldn't attend, and to be honest the thought never crossed my mind. I do wonder if this is a generational thing and if in the future I won't be expected to give gifts to weddings I can't attend - could save me some laborious Crate & Barrel internet shopping. Ah, hell, what do I care, it's fun to send gifts to friends. Will be interesting to see what the majority opinion here in the green says, though.
posted by billysumday at 11:21 AM on February 15, 2009

I was always under the impression that one was expected to give a gift if one was invited, regardless of whether or not that person was able to attend.

Nope. I was recently reading up on wedding etiquette (after that save-the-date post), and Miss Manners, at least, finds this idea ridiculous, as then couples would just invite anyone to get to get lots of gifts in return. As Airhen says, it's rude to expect a gift in exchange for attendance, much less invitation.

But, yeah, assuming that most of the people invited were coupled, it sounds like you got just about the right number of gifts.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:23 AM on February 15, 2009

How old are the people who aren't giving gifts? When I was in my early 20s I was pretty bad about being punctual in giving gifts, but I always did it in the one-year window. Now I realize it's not worth the hassle and just get a gift right away. So it could be an age thing. It could also, as has been mentioned upthread, be an economy thing.
posted by billysumday at 11:24 AM on February 15, 2009

Miss Manners, at least, finds this idea ridiculous, as then couples would just invite anyone to get to get lots of gifts in return.

That's interesting, because I would think that people wouldn't just invite anyone to get lots of gifts, because depending on the cost of the wedding, if the person/people do in fact take the couple up on attending the wedding, the cost of catering/venue size/etc. could potentially far outweigh any benefit from a gift that the couple may or may not receive, or even want. Not saying you're wrong, or Miss Manners, just that I find her reasoning very odd. I don't think anyone actually planning their wedding would roll the dice like that, unless the invitee is a known invalid who absolutely can't make the wedding.
posted by billysumday at 11:27 AM on February 15, 2009

I would say there are about 25 invitations (some with more than one person attached to them, some not), that have not (so far) given a gift.

But that's the people who didn't come, correct? The whole issue on whether you "have to" send a gift when you're invited to a wedding is a gray area. It depends on a lot on where you're standing. In a perfect world, guests will only be invited to the weddings of people they love so dearly that a gift is a natural expression of that love. Does real life work that way? No, of course not. In my opinion, if you don't care enough to attend the wedding, you shouldn't send a gift- why would you? Because you're "supposed to"? I think that just encourages engaged couples to view their guest list as a gift grab, a checklist of people who are "supposed to" send them gifts. I won't mourn the death of the expectation that a wedding invitation requires a gift.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:28 AM on February 15, 2009 [4 favorites]

That's interesting, because I would think that people wouldn't just invite anyone to get lots of gifts, because depending on the cost of the wedding, if the person/people do in fact take the couple up on attending the wedding, the cost of catering/venue size/etc. could potentially far outweigh any benefit from a gift that the couple may or may not receive, or even want.

Her reasoning (and I tend to agree) is that a couple should never expect any recouping of their costs for a wedding through gifts--a wedding is a joyous gift for the guests, and you never ever give a gift with the expectation of receiving a gift of equal value in return (instead, true gifts are given with no-strings-attached). For that reason, she also dismisses the assumption that a gift should be approximately equal to the cost of a plate of food and is a huge opponent of the idea of asking for cash gifts, unless it's part of a traditional cultural custom. So, she'd be assuming that you invite guests without concern as to whether or not you recoup the cost--and perhaps, if you're inviting people with the assumption that they'll return your invite with a gift, that you'd invite people you know can't come, anyway.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:36 AM on February 15, 2009

It's my understanding that all of the wedding attendees giving gifts to the couple is a fairly recent thing, and it used to be that only close family gave gifts.

The economy sucks right now and maybe those who didn't come to your wedding may have done so because they couldn't afford to give you a gift. It's sad to have to do that, but I know people who have.
posted by fructose at 11:45 AM on February 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

You should expect not to receive a gift from someone who was invited but didn't attend. If someone RSVP'd 'yes' and then didn't show, they should give a gift. If you have someone who was present but hasbn't given a present, they didn't forget, and they know they're out of line, and they'll feel embarrassed every time they think of you.

I personally believe that gifts should be freely given, but with weddings, it's just not the case; actually, the word 'gift' is a misnomer. If you go to the reception, you pretty much owe some kind of material tribute. Most brides and their mothers will put a mark on a non-gifter's permanent record, and never forget.

But if someone forgets, it doesn't mean they're cheap or they don't care about you. They may be a procrastinator, or afraid they won't give the 'right' thing. A person who's broke can skip the gift, but they have to write a very nice best-wishes not to the bride and groom.
posted by wryly at 11:46 AM on February 15, 2009

My understanding of etiquette is that one should never invite guests to a wedding with the expectation of receiving a gift and so the answer to your first question is 0. Likewise, your presumption that an invitation obligates a person to give a gift seems ripe for abuse, so the answer to your second question is "That is not the case". Your etiquette expert's advice may differ.

To flesh out my answers a bit, some may disagree but I think your ages and the number of times you have been married is relevant. In other words, I'd be likely to give a gift to 21 year olds getting married for the first time, but would just send a card to 55 year olds getting married for their combined sixth time. In fact, unless one is widowed, taking the traditional marriage vows more than once seems to me to make a mockery of marriage. My gift would reflect my feelings for the occasion. (I'll point out that I have nothing against non-traditional marriage, and my gift would always attempt reflect my feelings for the occasion.)
posted by McGuillicuddy at 11:49 AM on February 15, 2009 [2 favorites]

Damn, I must travel in a much different circle of friends and family than y'all. I've never heard of not giving a gift to a wedding you were unable to attend. Then again, I've never been invited to a wedding of someone I hardly knew or didn't care for, so maybe that's a big part of it.
posted by billysumday at 11:50 AM on February 15, 2009

Damn, I must travel in a much different circle of friends and family than y'all. I've never heard of not giving a gift to a wedding you were unable to attend. Then again, I've never been invited to a wedding of someone I hardly knew or didn't care for, so maybe that's a big part of it.

I'd keep in mind that, from the gift-giver's position, it's never a bad thing to give a gift, even if it's not required, if you want to and can afford to. The bad etiquette part lies in the recipient's expectation of a gift. As in, it's the "brides and their mothers" who look down on those who don't give a gift who are being rude. Of course, polite people don't point out breaches in etiquette.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:00 PM on February 15, 2009 [2 favorites]

My sister (25) got married in September. A number of her gifts were combined presents from a group of friends, not just a family group but 10 friends from her church combining for something. This may be more common at a young wedding, but would significantly decrease the ratio of gifts:invitations.

I literally forgot about a present until I started doing christmas gifts in december, and have decided that I will give them a nice 1-year anniversary present (bonus: I will soon have a job). So that is a possibility :)
posted by jacalata at 12:11 PM on February 15, 2009

If this is the same wedding reception that you were asking about a few months ago here, it may be that people were less likely to send gifts because they were aware that the actual wedding was a few months before, and the October event was more of a celebration/reception. Crossed wires with people not quite understanding what the event was--for example, thinking that it was just a party where you introduced your new husband, rather than a wedding--and didn't know that presents were required could explain the fewer people giving presents than you might have expected, especially among people who didn't attend. If I had friends who got married in a courthouse ceremony then invited me to a reception a few months later, I'm not sure it would occur to me to send a gift if I wasn't able to make it.

My mom had a reception a few months after she eloped for her second marriage, and as I recall she got very few presents at all, despite the event being pretty similar to a wedding (a formal catered dinner, saying some commitment vows in front of everyone, etc). I think it didn't occur to a good number of people that it was the sort of event that would dictate a gift, since most of them seemed to see it more as a party versus a wedding. I think that the further you get away from the very traditional wedding--whether because it's not a first wedding, or you elope or otherwise have the legal ceremony a few months before, or you get married after having kids or a house together or any of the other trappings of serious couplehood--the less likely people are to give gifts, because for some the social expectations about wedding gifts just don't seem as strong.
posted by iminurmefi at 1:08 PM on February 15, 2009

iminurmefi is totally right- if you were already married and everybody knew it, the thing in October wasn't a wedding, and that changes the game completely.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:24 PM on February 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

Are you counting the "plus ones" of the friends you invited as potential gift givers? Because unless they are separate friends of yours apart from their relationship with your friend, there's usually not an expectation that the date has to bring a gift too. At least, when my boyfriend takes me as a date to his childhood friends' weddings, I don't buy a separate gift (he always brings one, though.)
posted by np312 at 2:03 PM on February 15, 2009

I got married in September. I have never even considering taking my guestlist spreadsheet and checking off who did and did not send gifts. I mean, "what's average"? What do you want to do with this information? Say that average is 75% and you didn't even hit 50%. Will that change what you think about your friends/family? How you treat them? I just don't see what this information (if it existed, and I doubt it does) gets you.
posted by misskaz at 2:44 PM on February 15, 2009

Unless I was very, very close with the bride or groom, I wouldn't give a gift if I wasn't coming to the wedding. I do always bring one when I attend, shared with my plus one, if they don't know them that well.

That said, I think the whole idea of asking for or expecting gifts at a wedding these days is tacky. Almost all couples now are adults, probably living together, and they rarely need the gifts. They aren't filling a new house for a new life; they're just acquiring a load of crap they don't really need. Many people are asking their guests to donate to a charity of their choice instead, which I think is a wonderful idea.

Stop counting your gifts. They probably bought new clothes to attend. I'm sure many of them had to travel to make it. Just be happy they were there and enjoy being married.
posted by Relic at 3:19 PM on February 15, 2009

If I attend, I never go empty handed. Just how my parents go about it, and now it's how Mr JG and I go about it. Even in your case, where you're doing something a little different with a long removed reception celebrating your wedding vows 6 months later, we would acknowledge the occasion, especially if we were close.

However, if I did send you a gift last February and/or instead maybe acknowledged your growing family with a larger gift at the birth of your baby, then I don't know if I'd bring anything to your reception in October. Don't take this the wrong way, but everytime you do something, I am not sending you a gift. Even if I really really really like you. Money's tight, dude.

Stop counting gifts and enjoy your life.

And get started on writing the thank you notes if you haven't already. What will really piss people off is if you don't send out thank you notes for (any!) gifts in some sort of decent timeframe.

Barring disaster, you've got about two to three months after an event (baby shower, bridal shower, wedding, whatever) to get them to gift-givers. There's a popular myth out there that you have a full year after the wedding to get thank you notes out there. I can tell you right now that pisses people of all ages off. It puts gift givers in an awkward position of wondering if you received the gift without incident (was it broken? did Crate and Barrel put the gift card in it? Did it get delivered to the right house?) As a gift giver in that case, if something went wrong, you want to be to right the wrong and make sure the gift is as intended.

If the gift-giver sent a check, and you cashed that check let's just say the Monday morning following the weekend wedding and then wait 11 months to send a generic non-personalized thank you note that has "Thanks for sharing our day!" printed on it and is just signed Bride and Groom, that's not cool. Not cool.
posted by jerseygirl at 3:58 PM on February 15, 2009

This is silly. The fact that people we loved and cared about came to our wedding was the most important thing. We had 60 people at our wedding, we got about 12 gifts. We felt this was too many, because we really didn't want gifts (we didn't tell people that in the invite, but if the asked my MIL when they called to RSVP, she let them know it would be ok not to bring a gift). In fact our best man never gave us a gift, and we joke about it now, it doesn't bother me.

However, we do treasure some beautiful items from people who are now deceased, and close friends that we will never part with. That is what is important to us, not the overall number or ratio of gifts.
posted by wingless_angel at 4:00 PM on February 15, 2009

I don't think that it's at all necessary to send a gift to a wedding that you are not attending, unless you are very close to the couple. I try to send a nice best-wishes note if I can't attend. I particularly agree that no one should ever expect to recoup any of the wedding costs through gifts...you are throwing the wedding that you (presumably) want, and to think that other people are obligated to indirectly underwrite that is awful. I do agree that if you RSVP that you will be coming, you should send a gift, but only because you should never not show up unless you have a last-minute emergency, in which case you would have already bought the gift.

So anyway, I think your ratio is about average.
posted by LittleMissCranky at 4:30 PM on February 15, 2009

I think the tradition of sending a gift even if you don't go (which I observe) is based on the idea that you are acknowledging their life event (like sending a baby gift to someone even if you don't get invited to a shower). The invitation is not only an announcement of a party but the announcement of the life event, so I send a gift in response because of the marriage not the party. Of course, this is based on the assumption that you only invite people who would want to celebrate your life event and they want to celebrate it whether they are there or not.
posted by parkerjackson at 4:50 PM on February 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

The wedding is a ceremony that unites the two of you as a couple.
The reception is a party that you give yourselves in order to celebrate the happiest day of your life.

Neither of these events require gift giving.

In days of yore the parents of the bride paid for a party to celebrate the nuptials and friends and family showered the two young people with gifts so that they had the amenities to start up a new household. It wasn't "go to party, give gift" but "those poor babies have no toaster" which tied the gifts to the wedding and which is why you had up to a year to send the gift.

These days people look at the ages of the couples, the prior marital status, the prior household status and figure, "Eh, they must already have a toaster. I'll just go to the party, dance, celebrate, and give them my best wishes." The number of gifts you receive could vary hugely depending on your circumstances, the relative prosperity of your relations, whether your father is POTUS, if people have to fly 3000 miles to be with you on your wedding day, and how much you (or your parents) spent on gifts for their wedding. In other words, all bets are off and don't measure your gifts recieved against amount paid for reception.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 4:59 PM on February 15, 2009

We received several gifts months after our wedding from folks who attended.
posted by ersatzkat at 5:47 PM on February 15, 2009

I would never, ever, give a gift if I didn't attend the wedding or reception. Likewise, if I did attend, there's just no way I'd even consider turning up without a gift. Might not be from the registry though, would depend on how close I was with the people (if I didn't know them well I'd be more likely to use the registry).

To be honest I'm a bit surprised you counted. I hope it was just something you noticed while sending out thankyou letters. Otherwise, well, eesh.
posted by The Monkey at 8:08 PM on February 15, 2009

are you registered somewhere online? I am terrible about buying gifts for weddings, but generally manage to complete the task within the one year period, and I get it done earlier when I can just click on something that seems appropriate and enter my credit card info. I hate giving cash, just feels awkward, and coming up with something especially personal for a new couple entering a different period of life can be difficult, so being able to click on a cute set of dishes or a new coffee maker or whatever eases my stress and gets the job done.

If you don't make it easy for them, I'm sure there are others like me who would like to do something nice, but find it hard to get their act together. But some of them surely will before the one year is out. Wait until next October to be bummed at how few thank-you notes you had to write...
posted by mdn at 8:09 PM on February 15, 2009

I would say there are about 25 invitations (some with more than one person attached to them, some not), that have not (so far) given a gift.

But that's the people who didn't come, correct? T

No. Some of those 25 attended, some did not. One of them RSVP'd yes but didn't show. The ages of these people varied but were most between 30-50. We're both in our 40s and married for the first time.


If this is the same wedding reception that you were asking about a few months ago here, it may be that people were less likely to send gifts because they were aware that the actual wedding was a few months before, and the October event was more of a celebration/reception.
It was indeed and I assume most guests knew we were already legally married but we treated the October event as a wedding in and of itself. There was a ceremony and a reception and none of the people who didn't give gifts were at the legal ceremony (it was just our parents in attendance). I do understand that that may have changed things for some people but it seems like in my circle of friends it's almost more common to do it this way than not. The majority of "weddings" that I've been to in the last few years haven't been the actual legal event. And everyone that was invited was someone we knew well. We didn't invite anyone we didn't have a close relationship with.

I have never even considering taking my guestlist spreadsheet and checking off who did and did not send gifts. I mean, "what's average"? What do you want to do with this information? Say that average is 75% and you didn't even hit 50%. Will that change what you think about your friends/family? How you treat them? I just don't see what this information (if it existed, and I doubt it does) gets you.

Well, I had to check off who gave an who didn't because I had one list of who I invited and as we opened the gifts, I wrote down what they gave us so that I could thank them for the gift in a note. But really, I'm just curious. I don't love my friends or family any more or less if they did or didn't get us a gift. It's just a question that I've wondered about.

And get started on writing the thank you notes if you haven't already.
They are long done and sent. In fact,doing them was what prompted the question since I had to go back and look at the list of who we invited to get addresses and remember what they gave us.

I'd like to clarify that I"m not grubbing for gifts or thinking we got short-changed or anything like that. I was just wondering about what the social expectations of gift-giving are these days. We had a lovely wedding and from what I've heard, all of our guests did, too.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 9:25 PM on February 15, 2009

I do understand that that may have changed things for some people but it seems like in my circle of friends it's almost more common to do it this way than not.

From what I've observed, once you start to deviate from tradition, a lot of things start to go out the window. In particular the gifts... :)
(Like my poor mother! Lucky she wasn't anticipating any because that's pretty much what she got. Pfft - among other things the bridesmaids actually had truly fabulous dresses so what could she expect?)

But anyway - since this is how your friends do things, maybe you'd be best off asking them how many gifts they raked in and do a comparison? You know just to give you something to go by so you can gague whether you have recieved the correct number gifts or not?
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 2:57 AM on February 16, 2009

If you invited people to whom you are genuinely close, a gift is customary. But if you are genuinely close to them, please don't let the (lack of) gift stand in the way of friendship. friends are way better than crockpots, and they last longer. I still haven't sent a gift for a wedding in August because I am (a horrible procrastinator) forgetful, so I shall get it done today, since I got the address of the potter whose work I want to send. Congratulations on your wedding.
posted by theora55 at 9:25 AM on February 16, 2009

Data point: We had some work friends. The bride was from a very wealthy family, and as such, her dad bought them a fully furnished, absolutely loaded with stuff house.

Before the wedding, they had the following parties where gifts were expected:

Engagement announcement
Bridal shower
Wedding and Reception

I felt as though I were being held up, really. We were struggling at the time, I'd been in a serious accident, had been in traction, lost my job and was facing down 50k in medical bills...neither of those people came to see me in the hospital, or sent flowers or anything else...and yet we kept getting invitations...which I really felt were like "here's another chance to buy us something YOU don't have." Seriously, the registry included things like $100 wine glasses and a single place setting of the china would set you back a few hundred dollars.

I resented the hell out of it, because I felt like they weren't inviting us because we were friends, but because they knew that people in the office would HAVE to give presents if things at the office weren't going to be weird. (My husband reported to the groom.)

Then, of course, six months later the whole round of pre-baby showers started. My opinion of those people went way down after what I saw as a greedy grab for material crap.

Point being, presents are not obligatory, and I've started ignoring wedding invitations from people that aren't folks that I see at my own dinner parties. (I mean, I rsvp as No...I don't just ignore them...)

But frankly, now that I've got a solid 2 decades of going to weddings under my belt...I'm tired of being held up by folks dressed up like a cake topping.

Then again, I may just be cranky today...
posted by dejah420 at 9:54 AM on February 16, 2009 [3 favorites]