Polygamy is probably not an option.

February 13, 2009 9:38 AM

I'm in love with my two best friends. Only one of them is my wife.

The other one; we'll we've always had a complex relationship, and have always thought that, in another lifetime, we'd have married. Her husband just died after a brief, unexpected illness, and she has been spending a lot of time with me lately. I'm not sure how to manage this situation in a way that won't hurt people.

posted by anonymous to human relations (42 comments total)

If polygamy is not an option, then someone is going to get hurt, the wife or the other one. This situation cannot be 'managed'. It just has to be dealt with. And that means making a choice.
posted by greta simone at 9:44 AM on February 13 [1 favorite]

You should have thought about that before you got married. Its incredibly unfair to put your wife in this position. "Hey honey, another girl just came on the market. Lucky me." Consider that in your decision making process.
posted by damn dirty ape at 9:45 AM on February 13 [2 favorites]

What is the question? You can be supportive to your friend without sleeping with her. That would be bad for all involved.

have always thought that, in another lifetime, we'd have married.
But you're not in that life, so get over it.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 9:46 AM on February 13 [38 favorites]

Just continue being her friend through a hard time. Affection is founded in friendship, so finding yourself confused as to where you rest on the spectrum is not really that surprising. If her husband just died, emotions are running high, so be sure to think long and hard about the implications of your actions and words for the next little while.

There is not a lot of information here. Do you love and are you happy with your wife? Do you feel you are at risk of being unfaithful? If not, then keep supporting your friend and don't be afraid of heightened emotional intimacy due to the situation. It is your job, however, to make the mature decisions during this time, as her loss might have scrambled her faculties for the time being.
posted by jon_kill at 9:47 AM on February 13 [1 favorite]

Are you sure your friend is in love with you? Your being in love with her does not mean that she's in love with you. Her husband just died, so she could really use a friend right now. A FRIEND, not some guy trying to figure out if he should leave his wife to be with her. To burden her with that on top of everything else she's going through right now would be extremely selfish. Hang back and work on your marriage. The other woman will still be there in a year.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:49 AM on February 13 [38 favorites]

How does your wife handle your other friend? Are they friends? If so, spend time with both of them, which should decrease the chances of you doing something you'll regret with your friend, and could bolster your friend in the process.
posted by filthy light thief at 9:51 AM on February 13 [2 favorites]

Not even factoring in your wife (who is a huge factor here), any dude that rebounds on a person who just lost their partner is thinking only about themselves. Do you really want to be that dude?

Be a friend, not "that dude".
posted by hal_c_on at 9:59 AM on February 13 [5 favorites]

If you're really in love with this friend, then you should care enough to realize how much it will screw with her head to enter into a relationship with you when she's grieving the totally unexpected loss of her husband--and all the dreams she may have had of their life together going forward. The chances of doing catastrophic harm to her are really, really high, because she's intensely vulnerable.

So what you need to do, if providing emotional support for her is putting you in danger of declaring your undying love to her, is to find other people to begin providing her some emotional support so you can back off without leaving her hanging. She has family, yes? And presumably other friends? If she's grieving, she's probably in no shape to organize people coming over or sitting with her or checking in with her, but you're in a place to do that. Start figuring out how to make sure she's getting what she needs without you being the one to provide it.

Even if she were willing to fall into a relationship with you right now--and I'm with TPS here that you may be misreading some signals--there's a high probability that she'd look back at this time and think, "what a scumbag for preying on me in my time of weakness." If you love her, you really, really need to extricate yourself from this situation and not tempt yourself to do something in a moment of (both your and her) moment of weakness that you can't ever take back.
posted by iminurmefi at 9:59 AM on February 13

I think you use the word love very generously...

Granted, we all do. But by taking a stand against a monogamous world, you stand to lose a friendship and a wife and the only thing you would gain for the risk is another lover.
posted by christhelongtimelurker at 10:17 AM on February 13 [2 favorites]

Perspective here from someone who suffered an unexpected loss (my father at age 19, heart attack with literally no warning): I ended up marrying the boyfriend who I wasn't all that close to before in large part because he wanted it and supported me through my loss. If I'd been stronger and stood on my own two feet, we never would have married and never would have divorced. My ex has since remarried twice, once to a woman who lost a baby to crib death and after she left him, to a woman who was in a serious car wreck while they were dating.

Don't be that guy. She needs a friend, not a guy who's thinking about romancing her up. Besides, it often doesn't work. And I agree with iminurmefi that she's likely to think you're a scumbag even without the complication of your wife.
posted by immlass at 10:22 AM on February 13

Get Erykah Badu's next lifetime stuck in your head. It's a good song and if it keeps popping into your head enough, maybe you'll realize you have to get over it, as otherwordlyglow says.
posted by cashman at 10:35 AM on February 13

jesus christ man her husband just died put your dick away and get over yourself

this is a serious answer
posted by Optimus Chyme at 10:38 AM on February 13 [34 favorites]

If you're in love with both of them, and one is already your wife, don't ruin it. And don't get any closer to the other woman than you have been before her husband dying. Whether she's single or not should have no impact on your relationship if you're married.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 10:39 AM on February 13 [1 favorite]

If you're in love with them both, then you should feel compelled to be respectful and generous and care about what's best for both of them, yes?

If by "manage the situation" you mean that you'd like to upgrade your best friend to lover status, well, that's probably not what's best for any of the three of you. It likely both breaks your promise to your wife and takes advantage of your best friend's grief.

If by "manage the situation" you mean navigate a flurry of suddenly-more-confusing feelings for your best friend, that's something that will require some thought on your part and conversations with both of them. Without knowing how your wife feels about your best friend, or how your best friend feels about you, it's nearly impossible to advise further.
posted by desuetude at 10:45 AM on February 13

I usually maintain that "shame" is for suckers.

But damn, you should be ashamed for thinking of preying on your "friend" when she is in the most vulnerable state she could possibly be in. Good lord, man. Take a cold shower, and stop hanging around her without someone else around.

What was it you were not sure of again? If you should cheat on your wife with a grieving widow? If that's really a tough call for you, you're in big trouble.
posted by the bricabrac man at 10:52 AM on February 13 [4 favorites]

Complexity or not, it would be a real problem for all involved if you were to become sexually or romantically involved with her while married to someone else. I suggest having the wife help you help her. Bring her on board to the helping out.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:53 AM on February 13

You love this friend. So what? Loving is easy.

You made a choice at one point to marry your wife. That's the decision you made all on your own. As far as I can tell the only thing your wife has done wrong is not be that other person.

My dad used to say, "Once you've made a deal, stop looking around because there will always be a better one." He was talking about buying things but it also applies here.

You made a deal, you chose your wife above all others so that choice is what you get to live with. Your wife doesn't deserve to be punished for your crazy emotional whims.

In the end it doesn't matter if you love the other woman. Just because you do in no way obligates you to act on that emotion, in spite of what popular culture teaches us.
posted by trinity8-director at 10:55 AM on February 13 [13 favorites]

I'm not sure how to manage this situation in a way that won't hurt people.

Oh that's easy, don't sleep with your newly widowed friend. Seriously, that's exactly how you mange this situation without hurting someone.

Look, her husband just died. She needs friends, not a married person wondering "What if, WHAT IF?" If she's your best friend, then you need to put her situation first. Damp your feelings down or step back.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:06 AM on February 13 [2 favorites]

Be supportive of your friend. Maybe have her over for dinner with you and your wife.

Keep it in your pants.

If you can´t manage to do both of these at once, grow up already, or see a therapist, or masturbate more, or something.
posted by yohko at 11:10 AM on February 13

She is hanging around with a lot because she is your FRIEND and because at this sad time in her life she needs support and FRIENDSHIP. She probably loves you too, but almost certainly not in the same way that you think you love her.

Her husband just died. Suddenly and unexpectedly. I am 100% certain that the last thing she is considering at this point in her life is jumping in bed with you and ruining your marriage. There is no need to even imagine that you are about to "hurt people". For God's sake just be her friend instead just another horny guy. That's what she needs right now.

(and if she knew you were thinking about her in any sexual way she would likely never talk to you again. And you would probably deserve it)
posted by 543DoublePlay at 11:59 AM on February 13 [1 favorite]

There is really so much missing information, but based on what you put up there I'll say this:

If you really truly love and respect both your wife and your friend then you exactly what to do.
posted by Ookseer at 12:01 PM on February 13

Since the basics are covered above and people are brainstorming how to manage your feelings (take a cold shower, get your wife more involved), here's another suggestion in this vein. Tackle a personal project that you are afraid of. Grown distant from your parents? Swallow your pride and rekindle that connection. Afraid to confront your growing debt or to plan your finances for retirement? Academically intimidated but want to go to law school if only you could face taking the LSATs? Confronting your private weaknesses will help you distinguish who you are from all these people around you, and it will ground you and counteract the dreaminess of a crush. It may also remind you why you need support from your wife.
posted by salvia at 12:04 PM on February 13 [3 favorites]

Good god man, let the woman grieve. Even without your wife in the picture, making a move on your friend while she's still reeling from this loss would be a pretty scummy thing to do.

She's spending a lot of time with you because she's in pain and needs a friend. Be her friend now. Sort out your other feelings later.
posted by tomatofruit at 12:15 PM on February 13

You seem to believe in the fairytale "the one" idea and are now confused that there are two "the ones".

Well, as it turns out anyone probably has lots and lots of people who they'd be just fine and dandy with. Not only your wife, and this woman, but probably thousands of other women out there could make a happy life with you.

But marriage is about choosing one. And you've chosen. Support the other woman if you can, but not at the expense of your marriage.
posted by losvedir at 12:16 PM on February 13 [1 favorite]

You say polygamy isn't an option. Polyamory might be a topic to discuss.
posted by arimathea at 12:18 PM on February 13

I'm not sure how to manage this situation in a way that won't hurt people.

Don't romanticize your role. In particular, don't make your friend dependent on you for emotional support, because that would be a false answer to her grief. Don't depend on her for emotional support either, because that would be selfish and she can't provide it anyway.

And be candid with yourself, because it's easy to end up breaking these rules when you're in love. One of the joys of mutual, appropriate love is that the distinctions between one partner's needs and the other's, and between intention and effect, get blurry. Hormones will do that of their own accord; it is with your brain that you must consider the consummation, and whether it would be good or bad. In your situation, it sounds to me like it would be an unmitigated disaster for all three people. If you agree, then don't let yourself be tempted.
posted by aws17576 at 12:38 PM on February 13 [2 favorites]

Marriage vows state to your partner, your community, and your government that you are committed to your spouse, forsaking all others, until you are parted by death. Love, affection, and lust can wax and wane; that doesn't change your obligation of fidelity.

The way you can "manage this situation" is to honor your marriage vows with fidelity to your wife and honor your friendship with kindness to the widow. The way you can ruin this situation is to treat it as something other than a decision about whether or not to honor your commitment to your wife.
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:52 PM on February 13

I was coming here to point out that this tragic-situation-leads-to-lifelong-committment shit only works in Reader's Digest's "Drama in Real Life" articles, but I was restarting my Pandora feed at the same time...

and Journey's "Faithfully" came up. There's your omen for the day, OP.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 1:36 PM on February 13

I know people are legitimately trying to help, but just insisting that he snap out of it probably isn't going to work. He's asking HOW he should deal with these feelings. I think we've all read enough to know "Supress the SHIT out of your desires!" isn't an easy solution.

Frankly, you have to stop being this woman's friend if you want to stay married. I don't know you, but I wouldn't trust anyone with homo-sapien genes not to act on this kind of romantic notion where you're in constant contact with them. So cut off contact, slowly. Come up with reasons and trips and work conflicts.

In addition, if you're brave enough and you think it could make your marriage more honest and stronger rather than just making her lose all trust for you--tell your wife. Just come out and say: "I think I have a crush on XXXX, I'm sorry and nothing has happened, but I wanted to tell you that I think I need to stop being her friend. I'm sorry this happened but I can't control my feelings, but I hope you can see that I still love you which is why Im telling you rather than sneaking around behind your back."

ALTERNATIVELY

Keep going where you're headed and hook up with best friend and ruin your marriage and potentially her life but have a single moment when you kiss her and all that tension is released that might be worth a thousand years of fidelity and commitment and honor and morality all rolled up covered in bacon and tossed in the trashcan forcefully. Just so you know, I won't blame you if you make the wrong choice.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:45 PM on February 13 [1 favorite]

Frankly, you have to stop being this woman's friend if you want to stay married. I don't know you, but I wouldn't trust anyone with homo-sapien genes not to act on this kind of romantic notion where you're in constant contact with them. So cut off contact, slowly. Come up with reasons and trips and work conflicts.

Or he could be an actual friend and care about his friend's well-being and keep his fly zipped. It is possible to entertain romantic or sexual feelings but decide to reject them as inappropriate. I don't think that coming up with weak-ass excuses to dissolve a friendship while she grieves for her husband gets him the Human Being of the Year award. Or even the Husband of the Year award.
posted by desuetude at 1:58 PM on February 13

I don't think that coming up with weak-ass excuses to dissolve a friendship while she grieves for her husband gets him the Human Being of the Year award. Or even the Husband of the Year award.

No, of course not. But I prefer to give people advice that I could actually follow, and I have never even been nominated for either of those particular awards.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:02 PM on February 13

Just a suggestion, let's be a little more generous about the OPs intentions. Start by assuming that the title is an attempt at a joke. Rather than assuming that he's seriously thinking of having a relationship with this woman, lets assume instead that he's human, and aware that he's human, and so he's looking for help on figuring out whether he can continue to be a friend to this woman without doing any of the involved parties (himself, his wife, his friend) wrong. How can he do that without risking his wife's jealousy, his friend getting attatched to him, or his dick getting the best of him?

To start, what does you wife know about your feelings about this woman? How does she feel? Can you tell her "I feel really bad for X, she's a very close friend, I'd like to help her through this difficult time, but I don't want to do anything you aren't Ok with, and I could use your help making sure that X doesn't get the wrong idea/too attatched/etc at a vulnerable time, not that I think I'm all that, but she's already been spending a lot of time with me.

That, and keep your dick in your pants and at some remove from her, because, well you are only human.
posted by Good Brain at 3:22 PM on February 13

If you REALLY love her, do what's best for her, not for you. Love is unilateral in its best forms.

And meg murray:

"Marriage vows state to your partner, your community, and your government that you are committed to your spouse, forsaking all others, until you are parted by death. Love, affection, and lust can wax and wane; that doesn't change your obligation of fidelity."

No offense meant, but you presumably weren't at this gent's wedding. How the hell do you know what were in the vows? This is presumptuous and IMO, small minded. Marriage is what you want it to be and no more. He, his wife, his friend are free to make whatever arrangements they want to make with THEIR lives. The state, the church, and unimaginative strangers are not really involved.

Good luck, OP. Be a gentleman. Be kind. Be supportive. Your friend that you love is hurting and needs to be surrounded by understanding and non-exploitative community. How can you provide that best?
posted by FauxScot at 3:25 PM on February 13 [1 favorite]

You know, there's loving someone and wanting someone. Some people we love and want, some people we want and don't love, some people we love, and desiring to live and let live, don't want. The issue is not that you love your best friend, because family is more than blood. She's tribe. Of course you love her.

The problem is that you want her. As mefi has onserved, this is above and beyond the interests of both women you claim to love. Wanting is intself obviously painful, but how good is your self control? You wouldn't rape the widow, right? Thus you can restrain yourself. Be a good and supportive friend, which is what you'd do if you loved her, and keep your desire to yourself.
posted by Phalene at 3:27 PM on February 13

I have, and have had, close male friends that have feelings for me. I love them back, and maybe if I'd never met my husband would have ended up dating them, but my love for them is only friendly.

If my husband died and all they could do was make passes at me, I would be insanely angry. I would hate them for it. It's selfish and completely insensitive and NOT what a real friend would do. Jesus christ.
posted by Nattie at 4:18 PM on February 13 [3 favorites]

Just adding to the chorus of "don't be that guy".

Everybody has a string of "path not taken" relationships in their life. Sometimes it sucks to wonder "what if?" If you do it too much, you'll go crazy pretty quick. Start concentrating on what's great about the path you did take. (it's not always easy, lemme tell you... but it's way better)
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 4:57 PM on February 13

What the hell do you mean you don't know how to manage it so that people don't get hurt? It's pretty easy if you're not thinking with your crotch.

Don't cheat on your wife.

Don't lead your emotionally vulnerable friend on.

Be a good friend to your grieving friend without being a complete asshole and throwing in your juvenile fantasies about having a relationship with her.

What the hell more could you do? Christ man, what the hell are you expecting? That some how the death of your good friend's husband will fuel some sort of penthouse forum threesome?
posted by JFitzpatrick at 5:15 PM on February 13

Your responsiblity is to the woman you vowed to be with until death do *you* part. You need to uphold that and just let things with your friend lie.

On re-reading the thread: Meg_Murray said my thoughts much more eloquently.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:16 PM on February 13

I'm reading that you're feeling closer to your friend as a result of lots of time spent together lately discussing Big Important Things that, of course have the tendency to make people feel more intimate with one another. I assume you know your friend is vulnerable, and the emphasis in your question is on managing your feelings in such a way that doesn't involve ditching your friend in her time of need, or repressing your feelings in a way that makes you feel guilty now and possibly other, marriage-disturbing things later, which I assume isn't what you want.

Can you change the mood in which you meet with her? Add other people to it, I mean. If it's just you and her together a lot there's a certain kind of relationshippy precedent for that kind of arrangement, and it sounds like something you don't want to encourage. Be supportive for her still, but do stuff with her that includes other friends. Encourage her to bring one of hers. Develop a situation where you can appreciate the friendship dynamic -- it might whack your head back into a different space to consider this is what you're risking if these feelings run too amuck.

Spend an hour with your wife for every hour you spend with her. Not in front of the tv -- I mean some kind of proper engagement, preferably where you have to acknowledge her vulnerability, because I think people being vulnerable can raise in you a desire to protect them, and on this count your friend's getting the lion's share of your protection, to the possible detriment of your wife.

... That's all I got.
posted by springbound at 5:19 PM on February 13

Well how much does your spouse like you? And, will she be willing to share you in order to keep you in her life? If she's not willing to share, are you willing to lose her in order to continue relationship #2? If you decide to have an open relationship, are you willing to happily tolerate any new companions that come her way?

Assuming you both work and she is not dependent on you to survive comfortably, you have a right to pursue your happiness. However, if your spouse isn't willing to share you and you cannot accept not having intimacy with woman #2, you're going to either 1. get a divorce, or 2. keep woman #2 a secret.

I doubt you'll be able to accomplish the best of both worlds without discussing with your spouse woman #2 and your feelings for her. If your spouse is not aware of her, she's likely going to have an emotional initial reaction. So ease her into it. If she's a thoughtful person she'll likely see your perspective. However, be ready for the fact that she may not agree with your perspective even if she understands it. And, by bringing this information up you will be permanently altering your relationship. It will never be the same.

If you end up getting a divorce you'll likely take a large financial hit. Divorce laws in many states are not favorable to the husband. However, if this is for your freedom, finances are not that important, right?

Regardless, you're going into uncharted territory here. Plan ahead by checking the divorce laws in your state. Divorce is going to be a risk in both situations. Good luck.
posted by brandnew at 5:20 PM on February 13

There's a pretty simple answer to this and it baffles me that it doesn't come naturally to more people.

If you are married...

You NEVER do or say anything to or with a person of the opposite sex that you wouldn't say WITH YOUR SPOUSE STANDING RIGHT THERE.

If you find you are behaving in a way that you could not in the presence of your spouse, then you better check yourself. It's pretty hard to develop inappropriate feelings or relationships if you don't start down that crap road in the first place.
posted by Edubya at 8:06 PM on February 13 [4 favorites]

After some further thought on this question:
Dearest OP, even if your friend has indicated that she wishes to be in a relationship with you right now, having just lost her husband it is unlikely that she is in a good state of mind to make that decision at the moment, and might change her mind later if the two of you do start something -- then, both your friendship with her and your current marriage would be in shambles. If this is what´s going on, tell her that she needs to wait before getting in a new relationship. If she hasn´t indicated any such thing, it´s even less likely for something to work out for her.

Assuming you wish to support your friend and that you don´t want to leave your wife, continue to be her friend, and avoid sexual relations either for the time being (it´s likely too soon for this to be something leading to a relationship, but no one but her can know that for sure right now, she may not even know herself) or for a longer period, communicate with your wife about how the two of you can support her at this time, possibly having her over for dinner or helping her with other things.

I don´t get the impression that you are wanting to start a polyamorous relationship here -- but even if you are, giving things time and communicating with your wife would be what you want to do. If you are wanting to do this, wait until your friend is in a better emotional state.

Keep in mind that there are a lot of ways to hurt yourself in this situation too, loosing one or both of your two best friends. To reiterate my earlier point, keep it in your pants. Even if this causes a certain amount of discomfort now, some of which you may need to bear yourself and relieve in private with the company of your own fantasies, you will prevent wider reaching effects on your life.

You may memail me about this if you wish.
posted by yohko at 12:13 PM on February 14