A question about d/s in a long distance relationship.

February 12, 2009 7:46 PM

Long-time pervert, first-time top, in love with a wonderful submissive girl who lives halfway across the country. We're looking for ways to satisfy our particular combination of kinks when we can't be together in person. NSFW details inside.

Yeah, I know, phone sex and video chat. We're up to speed there. But there's a particular combination of tastes that we can't figure out how to satisfy. See...

• ...what I enjoy about topping is getting a reaction that shows me what she's feeling. It's not the spanking I like, it's the yelp. So my first impulse, when it comes to phone or video sex, is to be all "talk to me, tell me how it feels, tell me what you're thinking, call me Sir, blah blah blah." But...
• ...the more submissive she's feeling, and the more she's turned on, the less verbal she gets. In person, that's fine, because I can still get the feedback I enjoy from her body language. Over the phone, it makes things pretty one-sided, and even by video I find her body language harder to read somehow. So, okay, that leaves me to talk dirty to her, or to give her orders. But...
• ...the other catch is, she's not at all into humiliation. All the dominant-sounding dirty talk I can think of is humiliating one way or another: bitch this and slut that and filthy whore and, you know, we really just don't want to go there.

So far, my repertoire as a phone sex top is pretty much limited to "good girl" — and she says she likes that a lot, and it really seems to capture the dynamic we're both looking for, but it sure does get repetitive.

So we've been talking about this. I'd like to have more I can say to her to put her in a submissive state of mind, but I'm not sure what. She says she'd like to have things she can do to show her submission that don't require her to talk, but she's not sure what.

Suggestions?

FWIW, here are some things we really like when we get to play in person: spanking and other kinds of impact play, bondage, obedience-type d/s — including a certain amount of the whole be-a-brat-and-get-punished thing. Things we really don't like at all: humiliation, "roleplaying" (I'm not Lord Zarquon of Gor, I'm not a Nazi pirate captain moonlighting as a boarding school headmaster, I'm her boyfriend), chastity/orgasm denial (why would I want her to get off less?), the usual scat-blood-and-animals trifecta.

posted by anonymous to human relations (7 comments total)

Assuming she has a cell phone with camera, call her at work: "send me a picture in twenty minutes or less of your tits, with clamps on your nipples."

When at home: "Put the phone on speaker. Put it down. Jill off. Speak continuously. Do not allow more than five seconds' silence."

"Find me three images in two minutes that show how you will submit to me next time we are together."

Give her an ambiguously kinky present (necklace-like-a-collar, handcuff earring), tell her to wear it one day, and make her send you a picture -right now- to prove she is wearing it as you direct.

Common thread: do not allow too much thinking, you want reaction tinged with a bit of fear should she not perform as ordered. Make sure she is under pressure so she can't over-think what she does to comply. Promise more-than-play punishment (that genuinely hurts, not just to make her float) if she isn't promptly compliant.
posted by jet_silver at 8:35 PM on February 12, 2009

You write off roleplay, but it strikes me with the geographical distance in your relationship, fantasy and roleplay is most what you have at your disposal. In other words it is the stuff of the mind that you will use to express dominance and submission rather than cuffs and rope and chain.

Setting homework, challenges and playing games will be key here. Use this as an opportunity to explore her fantasies by getting her to write them out. Including those fantasies that are absolutely her most secret and forbidden. Create an element of jeopardy by saying she can opt out of sharing some of her darker fantasies by agreeing to perform forfeits for you. Make the forfeits utterly dastardly.

Challenge her to test the limits of her submission and threaten, as punishment, that you will end the "video chat date" if she fails to comply. These games do not have to be sexual - they could plumb emotional depths, or they could be silly. It depends what your dynamic is.

You might not want her to get off less, but you might want to instruct her as to when she is permitted to come. And that might only occur after you have held her on the edge of climax repeatedly while making her (metaphorically) jump through a series of hoops. I've yet to encounter even a vanilla woman who doesn't like some element of orgasm-denial...it's just a matter of how long you withhold it for, how good the eventual orgasm is, and the fact that they are voluntarily giving their choice over to you.
posted by skylar at 12:29 AM on February 13, 2009

My boyfriend and I have been doing long-distance D/s for a few months now, and I think we're getting the hang of it.

Do you guys have any little "rituals"? You might try having her send you a text message at a certain time every day telling you what she's wearing, or asking permission to come (this might veer too close to orgasm denial for your liking, but it really helps me feel like my Dom is involved in all my orgasms, even if it's in a very minor way.) Kneeling during video chat also makes me feel connected to him, which is nice.

You could also give her little assignments to carry out throughout the day, and then have her recount those experiences to you while you're talking on the phone. Before she gets too turned on to form coherent sentences, that is. :)

Since it sounds like she might be a little shy about initiating dirty-talk, maybe you could get her to talk more by saying naughty things to her and making her repeat them back to you? Something like:
"You really like _______, don't you, pet?"
"Yes, Sir, I love ________."
posted by Girl Scout of Death at 2:47 AM on February 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

The real solution is plane tickets and finding an early end to the long distance thing, but you know that already, right?

And the answer I was going to give, she is already pretty much telling you:

She says she'd like to have things she can do to show her submission that don't require her to talk, but she's not sure what.

First, she's asking you to get better at giving directions. You need to work not just on what to tell her, but also how -- how to talk her through something in a way that makes her feel the way you want her to feel. Maybe that means being really explicit, or maybe the reverse -- everyone is different, and nothing is a bigger mood-killer than using the wrong language. But you need to find a way to connect with and articulate the details of her submission -- the tactile and sensory part, maybe, or how it makes her feel, or how it makes you feel. Any idiot can tie someone up; it takes empathy and understanding to get inside their head, understand how they are reacting, and then lead their experience in a very specific direction.

Second, I'm a broken record on this, but I think that sex is most interesting when you stop thinking of it as only the 15 minutes of actual fucking, and instead about as something that can permeate all the other hours of the day. The relevance for d/s, I think, is that all kinds of things can be "repurposed" into d/s that are otherwise meaningless daily activities. The cliched example is grooming and clothing, of course -- there is a reason that adding a layer of control over the submissive person's daily rituals about their appearance shows up in almost every description of d/s that I can think of. And you can expand that, if you wanted to -- something like trying on clothes at the mall can be boring and routine -- or it can be an extended d/s exercise, where she has to take photos in the dressing room mirror, tell you all sorts of details, etc.

But again, the onus here is on you. You have to be able to talk her through things, especially new things, in ways that are the right balance (of safe/dangerous, ritualistic/experimental, etc) for her. If she's not wanting to talk -- is that because you should be giving her the option of writing about it instead (perhaps email, or real letters, or an anonymous blog), or because you need to push her boundaries and have her submit by talking, or because your instructions are leaving her with nothing to talk about?
posted by Forktine at 5:18 AM on February 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

chastity/orgasm denial (why would I want her to get off less?)

I really urge you to rethink this unless this is a hard limit for her. It gives you much, much more power. Her reaction to whatever you do will be heightened if she hasn't been allowed to orgasm for X days. Plus it gives you a built-in opportunity to punish her, because I've found that no one complies perfectly.

As to your main question, I'll think about it and post back later when I've had more coffee. If I forget, feel free to email me. I'm a femdom btw.
posted by desjardins at 6:29 AM on February 13, 2009

Get a couple of decent webcams? The process of getting everything set up how you both like it might add to the kink...
posted by gjc at 7:24 AM on February 13, 2009

Seonding desjardins above.

Orgasm denial, paticularly when you have her right on the edge is very powerful and (to me) can sometimes be the best part of D/s play.
posted by Arthur Dent at 9:35 AM on February 13, 2009