lunch with the ex ...good idea?

February 12, 2009 3:02 PM

I've just accepted to go for lunch with my ex-girlfriend. I called her a couple of weeks ago to let her know that I still some of her belongings that I'd like to give back to her - and while she's emailed, called and texted me since then to meet up I've declined to scheduling issues. I'm meeting her tomorrow. And now I'm beginning to question if the lunch part was prudent on my part. I've just really tried to live my life since we split in such a way that does not constitute any element of her ...and I'm proud to say I've done that. I've no more feelings left for her. Just respect, great memories and the thoughts of what 'could have been'. That's it.
posted by sniperantics to human relations (15 comments total)

Go for lunch, give her the things, walk away.

What exactly is the question here?
posted by Solomon at 3:05 PM on February 12, 2009

Cancel lunch, give her the things that are hers.

Having lunch is going to send a message that you're open to having an element of her in your life. If you don't want that, don't give that message.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 3:12 PM on February 12, 2009 [3 favorites]

As long as there's close to 0% chance you end up in the sack with her, go for it. But be honest with yourself afterward. How shitty do you feel? How shitty does she feel? Are they inversely proportionate? Based on the results, decide whether you ever need to see her again as a friend.

Unless she's crazy. You left that part out. Is she crazy? If you answered that with anything less than a "No way!" : AVOID.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 3:21 PM on February 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

Grin and bear it or blow it out. Easy

But if you do go -don't drink alcohol

I can't stress how important this is - DO NOT drink alcohol
posted by mattoxic at 3:45 PM on February 12, 2009 [3 favorites]

I vote for mailing her stuff or dropping it off in a safe location. Lunch does imply "friends." If you don't wanna go there, don't eat with her.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:48 PM on February 12, 2009 [2 favorites]

Eat, give her shit back, split the check, go on with your life.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 3:49 PM on February 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

Did you suggest having lunch with her? If so, then you pretty much need to do it. If she suggested it, get ahold of her and let her know your schedule has changed and try to meet up again when it is just meeting to give back the stuff since you are having second thoughts about a longer meeting.
posted by snugglebunny at 3:53 PM on February 12, 2009

You do realize that you two have scheduled lunch for the day before Valentine's day, right? Also, "the thoughts of what 'could have been'" sounds kinda like you're not totally over her.

That being said, have lunch, but don't drink and keep things platonic (no flirting/touching!) and you'll be fine.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 3:59 PM on February 12, 2009

This is the kind of lunch where she is going to go all out to show you what you've been missing. Any chance that you've been kidding yourself about your feelings will go straight out the window, especially if she smells good. Keep all this in mind.
posted by Brocktoon at 4:16 PM on February 12, 2009

Don't cancel, cancelling is shitty. But do tell her sometime during lunch that you don't intend to keep in any contact with her after this. Like fairytales said - "Eat, give her shit back, split the check, go on with your life."
posted by KateHasQuestions at 4:38 PM on February 12, 2009

I'm sure you're probably just mulling this over, but your question seems weirdly... passive or something. Your stated question is whether having lunch with her is a good idea, but the question brings up all this other stuff.

I've just accepted to go for lunch with my ex-girlfriend.

You invited your ex-girlfriend to lunch and finally set a date for it.

I called her a couple of weeks ago to let her know that I still some of her belongings that I'd like to give back to her - and while she's emailed, called and texted me since then to meet up I've declined to scheduling issues.

I'm sure you've had scheduling issues but when you called her for lunch did you have any lunch times free to go with her? Making her hound you like this for something that was your idea seems a little odd considering you're saying you harbor no ill will.

I'm meeting her tomorrow. And now I'm beginning to question if the lunch part was prudent on my part. I've just really tried to live my life since we split in such a way that does not constitute any element of her

That's great. If you truly hold this opinion then just meet wiht her, give her her things, have a nice time with someone you don't dislike and go home. More to the point, you're the one who suggested it, what was your thinking? Why did you think this was a better option than just mailing her her things or dropping them off at her workplace or some other decent interaction?

Put another way, you've omitted stating who broke up with whom and for whom this might be a good/bad idea. Is she still carrying a torch? Do you worry that maybe you are, in your secret heart of hearts?

...and I'm proud to say I've done that. I've no more feelings left for her. Just respect, great memories and the thoughts of what 'could have been'. That's it.

My general feeling about post-relationship interactions is first do no harm and if you have to make a choice between making something awkward for your ex (if you truly harbor no ill-will, weren't wronged, or whatever) and something being a little awkward for yourself, you suck it up and handle things because any continued interaction with them (esp one with negative outcomes) is maintaining a relationship.

So, my last long term relationship was a long one (five years) and me and the ex knew we were going to have some ongoing untangling to do. So, we set up a series of coffee dates where we'd get together for a specified amount of time, have coffee, check in and do any business we might have to do ["here's your mail" "someone called for you and I gave them your number" "are you going to come by and get your bike or can I sell it"] and then leave. No "hey let's go catch a movie after this" or any other date stuff, but also we didn't need to pretend that someone who had been a huge part of the other's life simply didn't exist.

Put another way, it's possible that you really truly do have no feelings left for her in which case, why do you care at all about going to lunch with her?
posted by jessamyn at 4:50 PM on February 12, 2009 [2 favorites]

That's it, alright.
posted by Zambrano at 5:01 PM on February 12, 2009

Sounds like you still like her (I mean, you say you have happy memories and that you respect her), I don't think there's any rule that says you can't be friends.

Enjoy your lunch, if it's good, hey, it's always nice to have more friends. Just don't do anything you'll regret later.
posted by The Monkey at 6:20 PM on February 12, 2009

I've no more feelings left for her. Just respect, great memories and the thoughts of what 'could have been'.

Sounds like you've reached the perfect emotional state to have a decent, "thanks-for-the-memories" lunch.
posted by ook at 7:13 AM on February 13, 2009

Do what fairytale of los angeles says, and make sure you dont get sucked into reminiscing and do not make plans with her for later on.
posted by BobbyDigital at 1:04 PM on February 13, 2009