How to sensitively break the news?

February 12, 2009 6:27 AM

How to share news of our pregnancy? (With a wrinkle.)

Mrs. po822000 is pregnant, and we couldn't be more excited (and scared - enter your own Jesse Spano reference here. (Minus the caffeine pills, of course.)

We're to the point where all our family knows, as well as our respective best friends. We want to begin sharing the news with our wider circle of friends, but we found out a few weeks ago (3 weeks?) that two of our closer friends recently found out they were pregnant and lost the baby very early on (less than 8 weeks along in the pregnancy).

While I believe they'd be happy for us, I don't want to be insensitive to what they've gone/are going through. I know my friend's wife has taken it especially hard (she dropped out of her program for the semester because she wouldn't be able to participate in the labs.)

What should we do? We would like to start telling friends when we get back from visiting my brother in Austin this weekend, but perhaps that's too soon and we should wait a couple of weeks?

Your advice is much-appreciated.

posted by po822000 to human relations (16 comments total)

Simple - call them first, and tell them what you're telling us. As in "Listen, remember that you told us.... yeah, well, now here's some news, and we want to be able to spread the news without hurting you in the process..."

You know them best, and you know what the exact wording is going to be in each case to tell us what you just told us: you don't want to be insensitive to what they've gone/are going through.

If they are half-way decent humans, they'll understand and thank you for your consideration.
posted by DreamerFi at 6:34 AM on February 12 [2 favorites]

wait a little longer to share. at least until 12 weeks. i know you are excited, but if (universe forbid) this pregnancy should be lost, you might not want to explain to casual acquaintances that your exciting news is not so exciting anymore.
posted by fancyoats at 6:38 AM on February 12

I lost a baby in February, and when good friends of mine got pregnant, I appreciated it most when they called or otherwise told me personally, rather than me finding out through the grapevine. They'll be excited for you, and they'll still be sad. Don't not tell them or try to avoid having them find out, that'll just make it worse. (Congrats!)
posted by dpx.mfx at 6:39 AM on February 12 [1 favorite]

FWIW, fancycoats - we are at 12 weeks, 5 days :)
posted by po822000 at 6:41 AM on February 12

I've heard it's best not to tell people until after the first trimester, when the risk of miscarriage drops significantly.

It's for the very reason you bring up -- if you tell a lot of people and then lose the baby, people will be constantly asking you how the baby is doing and you'll have to say that you miscarried. And it will be heart-breaking every time.

So tell your family, your closest friends, because you're excited and it's wonderful to have their support. But keep quiet to extended friends, co-workers, etc. until some more time has passed.
posted by lizbunny at 6:42 AM on February 12

i had a friend who had to deal with a similar situation.

her sister-in-law had tried to conceive numerous times and it was finally determined that she was infertile. she *really* wanted a baby of her own and to have that the whole pregnancy experience. (i think she also had a number of miscarriages.)

well, my friend had been on birth control for about 15 years, went off of it and a month later was pregnant. everyone was surprised because it's not supposed to happen like that!

so she and her husband felt superbad that they had conceived seemingly without even trying and her was this poor woman who they loved dearly who couldn't even get pregnant WITH trying.

basically, they just had the convo that DreamerFi and dpx.mfx suggested: tell her/them the news in the context of "we don't want this to bring you any pain, but...".

turns out SIL was thrilled for them! she was so happy they didn't have to go thru what she had gone thru. and she has been a wonderful part of their support system since baby came along.

definitely talk to them first so they don't find out from other friends and it will reinforce that you are concerned and considering their emotions.
posted by sio42 at 6:43 AM on February 12

wait, i misread part of your post. how far along is your wife? (my brain saw the 8 weeks part and then reading back i realized it applied to your friends)

the friends who experienced losses will most likely want to be happy for you. try to be understanding if they are a bit distant, though. let them know how thrilled you are without gushing too terribly much in front of them. just be gentle about it, acknowledge their losses, and tell them you get it if they need some time to process.
posted by fancyoats at 6:45 AM on February 12

Oh, congrats (saw your note, right before mine), time to share the news then! I'm sure your friends will be very happy for you when you share the news, but if it's going to be a sensitive thing for them then perhaps keeping the baby talk to a minimum around them is best until you can gauge their attitudes towards it.
posted by lizbunny at 6:48 AM on February 12

When I was in a somewhat similar situation, I told the friend by e-mail rather than in person or on the phone. That way she could react however she wanted and not have to put on a happy face for me. I made sure she was the first person from my social circle who knew, as well.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:22 AM on February 12

Nobody will stay offended at not being told sooner if you just say "We wanted to make sure first."
posted by rokusan at 8:00 AM on February 12

Be sure to let them know from the two of you and not a third party. I'd also suggest telling them in a manner that doesn't assume you know how they will respond- giving the person a bit of freedom to react and respond without feeling cornered or like they're failing to be a good friend by saying the 'right thing' can make a big difference. In the end remember you are simply sharing something important to the two of you that occurred independently of their loss.

I don't know how the friendships are with this couple, but maybe letting them know when you four are together so if one needs support the partner is there?

Congratulations and best wishes to both of you, what an exciting summer coming up :)
posted by variella at 8:18 AM on February 12

Your friends probably see pregnant women around whenever they go out, and it's like a little punch in the gut every time. But it's something they just have to learn to deal with. The good news that your wife, their friend, is pregnant is not going to be an extra hardship for them IMO.
posted by and hosted from Uranus at 8:41 AM on February 12

Having been your friends, but at the 28-week point, I can say that a personal contact to let them know goes a HUGE way.

We had friends who sent out the typical spam-we're-pregnant-announcement about eight weeks after our daughter was delivered, and while I didn't blame them for their excitement and hold no ill will against them, I would have appreciated if they could have been a little more thoughtful in how they let us know.

Congrats, by the way!
posted by liquado at 9:47 AM on February 12

It's really hard to say because it depends on the person. My preference (after a couple of miscarriages) was to be told casually yet personally instead of having a sit-down "I've-got-some-news-that-might-be-really-hard-for-you-to-hear" talk. That kind of talk is just too awkward and, at least for me, makes it much harder to move on from.

But your friends may be different.

If you're especially worried about the wife, you might try talking to the husband first and asking his advice as far as telling her.
posted by wallaby at 10:38 AM on February 12 [1 favorite]

I've been in a similar place, and second what everyone says about telling your friends personally, and that they'll probably be happy for you.

I'd like to add a caveat, though. At some point in this pregnancy, either you or your wife is going to want to complain to someone. Maybe her back hurts and her feet don't fit in her shoes any longer, or maybe you're tired of her crazy mood swings or whatever. Please, please don't do this sort of venting to friends who are having issues with fertility. Regardless of how happy they are for you, it's incredibly difficult to hear someone complaining (however justified those complaints are) about having something that you desperately want, and it will put a huge strain on your friendship.
posted by meghanmiller at 12:07 PM on February 12 [4 favorites]

Nthing telling them personally, before the word gets around.

When and where matters, too. Don't choose a situation where they have to spend the rest of the evening with you faking a smile.

Try not to feel terribly hurt if they seem to want to distance themselves from you for the duration of the pregnancy. Sometimes feelings of loss, bitternes and envy (and possibly also guilt for not being able to share your joy) can be too unbearable for people in their position to be able to hang out with expecting parents.

Oh, and congratulations to you!
posted by sively at 3:32 PM on February 12