Fear of the future is paralyzing me

February 12, 2009 4:07 AM

Discovered recently that my wife is expecting our second child - mixed feelings are overwhelming me - practical solutions?

I am the father to a lively and happy 18 month old and just discovered another is on the way. Unplanned and always envisaged another child a year or two down the line but my wife is happy and part of me is also very happy. That said, i had certain expectations as to how my life would map out and it really has not happened that way. Not a big deal I hear you say but fear of the future is becoming more and more of a concern to me. Recently made redundant and spending my gardening leave desperately looking for jobs. Obviously that situation is having an impact but there is a massive shortfall between the life I envisaged providing for my kids and the reality of how it is going to be. I was very fortunate in my up-bringing as a child but feel distressed that I dont think I am going to be in the financial position that I would like. I know children need love first and foremost but surely it is the most natural feeling in the world to want your children to have the best?

Having another child is compounding the fear that I cannot provide the life I would wish for both of them. Anyone else ever feel this way? How do you overcome and face the future with head held high?

posted by numberstation to human relations (25 comments total)

You got to to learn how to roll with the punches and adapt to whatever life brings to your doorstep.
That said, I'd have to go with *get.over.it.as.soon.as.possible.by.talking.it.over.with.a.professional* because kids pick up on rejection no matter how you sugar coat it and seriously - you can't keep up the facade for long before you true feelings start surfacing. Don't let your child become another kid with serious self-esteem issues because of his/her parent's inability to cope.
posted by watercarrier at 4:14 AM on February 12

Many people have crummy jobs and little money when their kids are babies. The economy is going to get better. You will get a better job.

Babies don't remember much, anyway. Toddlers are fine with toys from the thrift store and lots of time running around outside. Even if you think older kids need all the fancy perks, there are years before anybody is going to be asking for karate or horsebackriding lessons. Concentrate on loving your kids now.
posted by hydropsyche at 4:25 AM on February 12

I found this comment from yesterday very helpful.

You'll manage, it's what parents do; it's what people do. It's not that you're not going to feel anxious, it's that it won't stop you from adapting, making adjustments, and figuring stuff out.

It's normal and natural to feel anxious, and frankly, good for you. There are people who have kids all the time without overly worrying about how they'll provide for them. They don't wow me.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:25 AM on February 12 [1 favorite]

Congratulations on your new baby, and congratulations on discovering that you are not in control of your life. Shit happens. Rant warning, because your post made me angry. I spend every day teaching skating to the children of wealthy people who want their kids to "have the best" and have no fucking clue what that means. "The best" for a child means a warm house, a full belly and loving parents. Access to a library and a teacher who cares about them are terrific bonuses. Throw in some engaged grandparents. A park in the neighborhood and local children with whom they can play pretty much unsupervised. The best does NOT mean putting your child in $60 shoes at the age of two, it does not mean buying from Nordstroms instead of Target or even the thrift store. It doesn't mean private school unless your local public school has 75 kids in the classroom and actual rats.

Furthermore, jesus, the internet is NOT where you are going to learn this. Have you tried talking to your mother?

I don't know anything about you, so of course I don't know that you're one of those people. But I don't think you need therapy, as someone suggested. You just need to get your definitions in line and understand what "the best" really is. Sorry about the rant, something happened at work today that this just kind of set off.
posted by nax at 4:39 AM on February 12 [10 favorites]

What kind of life are you talking about?

Are you worried about material goods, expensive schools, tennis lessons, and trips? Or, are your worried about your ability to feed, educate, and spend time with your kids? It may both, but I assure you that kids don't know they're in a lower income bracket unless they are going hungry or you tell them so. I grew up without "the best". I had no idea it wasn't the best until I was in 5th grade or so. Even then, I wasn't deprived. I think this is the age (10-12) when you begin noticing you don't have the nicest clothes or gadgets and are feeling the effects of peer pressure, so you have a lot of time.

Your kids won't place an importance on material goods if you don't.

My simple advice is to not to worry. Provide your children with love, your time, and your happiness.
posted by Fairchild at 4:56 AM on February 12

I grew up in very modest circumstances (large family, very underpaid mother, disabled dad), and I think in some ways it was a better start in life for me than if I had had everything I wanted as a child. I don't have the entitlement issues that seem to be so common in our society, I learned how to distinguish between what I wanted and what I really needed, and I learned to make the most of whatever I had and to be resourceful.

But there was something I wished my mother in particular had done differently. She was always stressed out about money, complaining about what we didn't have and about things not going the way she wanted them to. Her attitude was very much "gritted teeth survival mode". My dad, by contrast, although he worked just as hard as my mother, was much more relaxed and happy and grateful for what he had.

By all means do your best to give your children the good food, adequate clothing, safe housing, decent dental and medical care, and good educations that they need. But make sure you take time to live too. Your kids will love going to the park, playing board games, making things in the kitchen, or digging through thrift shops with you. So enjoy your time with them, and treat your financial and material circumstances as just one of the natural occurrences of life rather than as a resented burden.

35,000 children die of starvation every day in this world. Yours are likely to have all the food and other material things they really need. Try to keep these two facts in their proper perspective.
posted by orange swan at 4:56 AM on February 12 [5 favorites]

Whenever you feel like you're not providing well enough for your kids, just read to them (even the baby). It's one of the things that's worth a lot and that money can't buy.
posted by trig at 5:04 AM on February 12 [4 favorites]

Give yourself some time to feel how you feel and then start working on making yourself feel how you want to feel.

Unless there was a specific part of your life-plan that involved making substantial progress toward economic advancement in the next year that will now have to be put on hold, the chances are that having children closer together in age will increase your ability to pursue economic advancement later. Consider that if having a child age 0-10 reduces your economic output by 10% (this is a made up figure), you have reduced by at least 1 year the total amount of time you will have reduced economic output. All in all, I wouldn't worry too much about all that.

As most parents will tell you, there are declining marginal costs for a 2nd child. I'm not suggesting that there are not significant additional expenses associated with having another child, but the second child is usually less of a financial shock than the first child. It's normal to worry about making ends meet, but if you are able to make ends meet for a family of 3 then you can make ends meet for a family of 4.

Warning, octuplets may cause significant hardships.
posted by McGuillicuddy at 5:15 AM on February 12

Just something to think about. Having the second kid is a lot easier than the first. Not counting for different temperaments, you as a parent know what you are doing this time and I found the second to be much less stressful. He is a higher needs child than my first, more demanding and not nearly as easy-going but the whole thing is easier cause I've been there, done that. Hopefully that will help ease your anxiety a bit.
posted by pearlybob at 5:22 AM on February 12

congratulations. Focus less on whether your children will "have the best" and more on teaching them to "be the best" -- be the best person they can be, treat other people well, be very comfortable with both hard work and crazy fun, and know the proper times for each...Bonus: this costs nothing but time.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 5:49 AM on February 12 [2 favorites]

Congratulations!

Nthing that the financial delta between 1 child and 2 children is not as large as the one between 0 children and 1 child.

The life that you provide for your children is not measured in dollars and cents; it's measured in minutes and hours. Convey this idea to your children through word and deed and they will absorb it from you. Being well-loved is far more important (and beneficial) to a child than being well-dressed.

To a child, no material possession compares to the security and comfort of the daily affirmation that they are at the top of their parents' priorities. Make that your goal, and your children will be blessed.
posted by DWRoelands at 6:09 AM on February 12

Are you sure your fear is really about providing for your kids? It sounds more like you are worried about things spiralling out of control. If so, don't worry - it's perfectly natural to feel that way, especially as the timing of baby #2 was unplanned. Being made redundant is a huge thing to process, it's a change to your routine, your idea of yourself, your immediate situation and you've barely had a chance to process that. Introducing a new pregnancy into that personal upheaval is bound to make you feel overwhelmed and out of control. That feeling will subside, don't beat yourself up for it.

Also, You said that your wife is happy, but not that she understands how you feel. Have you talked about this with her? Are you worried that you won't be able offer the same support that you did through the first pregnancy? Try to isolate exactly what is triggering this feeling and share it with her.

Resource-wise, all the advice above is great - it's normal to want the best but you need to be clear about what that is. Try and plan together for a worse-case scenario and look at ways of budgeting to manage it. Getting to grips with what you can control will make you feel better about the things you can't. Take hold of the life you're actually living - you and your family will be fine.

Also, congratulations!
posted by freya_lamb at 6:20 AM on February 12

Take it from someone who spent a summer of her childhood living in a tent because there wasn't enough room at the homeless shelter...

...as long as you show your kids you love them and love spending time with them, they will be happy. Sure, you want your kids to have "the best," but focus on "the best you can do," and they'll love and respect you for what you could give them.

And just because things aren't ideal now doesn't mean they won't get better. Very few people are in their ideal financial/career situation when they have babies and toddlers. Which is quite convenient, seeing as at that age, no toy on earth can beat the entertainment value of a cardboard box and an old stick they found outside.
posted by tomatofruit at 6:49 AM on February 12 [1 favorite]

If you believe that the economy is cyclical, then having it at a low point when your children are infants bodes well for its potential state when they're high-school-aged or when they graduate. On the other hand, if things were economically awesome right now, they might have fallen apart just when your kids needed to start thinking about college.

The people I worry about are those with kids who are 15-18 years old, or in college now. Ouch.
posted by amtho at 7:55 AM on February 12

That said, i had certain expectations as to how my life would map out and it really has not happened that way.

Congratulations, you're now like everyone else.

Children have a way of forcing you to slow down and adjust your priorities, and for most people this seems to be a net-good process, even if it's stressful during the transition.

Also, anecdotes are better than data: of all my friends, the ones who grew up poorest, struggling the most to make ends meet... they're the coolest, smartest and most well-adjusted people I know. Nietzsche must have run a kindergarden.
posted by rokusan at 7:58 AM on February 12

Lost your job with a baby on the way, of course you are feeling nervous. I would worry if you weren't. The best way to overcome this feeling is to get employed. I know, easier said than done in this economy. Does your wife work? All it takes is for one of you to get a decent job.
posted by caddis at 8:26 AM on February 12

I was thinking what caddis said, that I wouldn't spend much time thinking long-term now. Just focus on getting a job, and then you can return to planning your longer-term finances.

I don't want to be rude by the way I say this, but if what you're concerned about is your children's mental well-being, the objective financial situation is going to be much less important than your self-image (financial and otherwise) and sense of confidence vs. inadequacy and security vs. anxiety. You can work on those things even while unemployed, perhaps even moreso because the worries are more visible. Best wishes as you go through these challenges.
posted by salvia at 10:33 AM on February 12

Babies don't remember much, anyway. Toddlers are fine with toys from the thrift store and lots of time running around outside. Even if you think older kids need all the fancy perks, there are years before anybody is going to be asking for karate or horsebackriding lessons. Concentrate on loving your kids now.

I think the point of this comment was that small children don't have great material needs, and I agree with that. Something about "babies don't remember much" sits wrong with me though. Children from 0-5 absorb an incredible amount of information: linguistic info, logical info, and emotional information too. Lasting developmental imprints are made in the first years that may very well set the course of the child's entire life.

That said, it's not money you need to bring to the table. It's love, attention, stability, and as little stress as possible. Keep reading to them and supporting them, helping them learn and explore. If you can nail that from 0-5 it will be the best gift you ever gave them.
posted by scarabic at 11:04 AM on February 12 [2 favorites]

You should talk to your wife about this, because I'm not sure she would have wanted another child if she thought you guys wouldn't be able to meet their needs.

You should also talk to her about your getting a vasectomy once you have health benefits again. The reason I say this is that I think your concerns are legitimate and you and your wife obviously need to talk about how you want to raise your children, in terms of material comfort, etc.
posted by anniecat at 2:12 PM on February 12

Also:

That said, i had certain expectations as to how my life would map out and it really has not happened that way.

Me too.
posted by anniecat at 2:14 PM on February 12

This happened to me, only it was three kids and not two.

Let me encourage you that lots of children raised with every material need met grow up to be ungrateful wretches. We struggled financially when ours were small. They grew up to be unselfish, appreciative of what they had, and not snobby.

You will be fine. Life is bringing you lessons and you will be better for it. From my perspective on the other side, having and raising my three made me a much better human being.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 9:49 PM on February 14

Let me encourage you that lots of children raised with every material need met grow up to be ungrateful wretches.

This is a horrible, off-the-wall generalization.
posted by cortex at 7:54 AM on February 15

Actually, Cortex, that generalization was based on the observations I made when my children were in high school. With a bunch of very well-off kids.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 9:25 AM on February 15

That you're extending your personal anecdotal experiences to a gratuitous generalized swipe is what's horrible about it. Lots of children raised under less moneyed circumstances grow up to be unpleasant people, too. But lots of children raised on every point of that spectrum—most of 'em, in every case, in fact—grow up to be totally decent people who don't deserve to be crapped on en masse to make some sort of reflexive point, no matter what your personal feelings about some of your own kids' high school classmates are. It's pointlessly mean, and doesn't come close to answering the question.

numberstation, caring and attentive parenting is what it's about. It's natural for you to want your kids to have The Best, but the key component there is not money, in either direction. If you and your wife do your best to provide a stable and supportive home for your kids and make them know they're loved and you will be golden.

Life rarely goes according to any sort of preconceived plan, as folks have said pretty well above. Your kids will see, first and foremost, how positively you go about leading them through whatever life is shaped like while they grow up. Take it in stride and help them along as best you can and the situational/economic terrain itself won't be all that important.
posted by cortex at 9:54 AM on February 15

Chill, cortex-I WAS one of those ungrateful wretches at one time. I was an only child and at one time was a walking illustration of the stereotype.

Having three kids in a short period of time did wonders for my character!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:07 PM on February 15