Why don't you talk about your girlfriend?

February 11, 2009 3:32 PM

I've been working with this guy for 3 months, and we've gotten on really well the whole time. Today he casually brought up his girlfriend for the first time. Why hasn't he mentioned her before?

We only work together twice a week, but are quite flirty when we do. I was never sure if it was recreational or flirting-with-intention, but we've gone out for drinks a couple of times, and we're going to an out-of-town concert this weekend. (It was one we'd each planned to go to anyway.) He brings up his friends (who I've not met) in most of our conversations, and has also mentioned ex-girlfriends. In short, we are friends. I am completely bewildered as to why he wouldn't have mentioned having a girlfriend in the 3 months we've been friends. Does he compartmentalize his life? Does he think of this as exceptionally personal information? Does he assume I already knew? Is it a new relationship? Did it suddenly become more relevant? The intensity of flirting on either side was pretty average today.

Full disclosure: I am in my early twenties and pretty awkward when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex, even if they're just friends. (Yes, I am an Overanalyzer.) Is it silly to think this is strange? My thinking is, if someone is a significant part of your life, that person will naturally come up in conversation.

posted by bibliophibianj to human relations (31 comments total)

Is it possible he was dating this girl for the last, like, 2 months and 3 weeks and now she's his girlfriend?
posted by phunniemee at 3:37 PM on February 11 [2 favorites]

Maybe he and the girl weren't dating exclusively beforehand.
posted by bondgirl53001 at 3:37 PM on February 11

You were his back-up emergency chick, in case things with his primary chick didn't work out. Looks like the did. World keeps on turnin'.
posted by ChasFile at 3:37 PM on February 11 [11 favorites]

Here is what you do: big smiles, "so tell me about her!" It's impossible to know why he didn't mention her. Maybe it wasn't too serious at first and he liked flirting with you. Maybe he was afraid that if he told you that you wouldn't flirt with him and he liked flirting with you. Maybe he dates lots of girls but is now trying to be exclusive. Maybe he wanted to draw a line in the sand now that you're going to this concert out of town together (what?). Because, aside from all the flirting, it's not like you guys are going to accidentally get drunk and start making out at the office. However, at an out-of-town concert....

Anyway, it sounds like he's trying to draw a boundary. If you want to remain friends with him, you'll need to suck it up and be friendly and maybe back off the flirting a little bit. Or, better yet, direct your flirting in a more fruitful direction -- a different guy. Sorry it didn't work out. Always a bummer.
posted by amanda at 3:41 PM on February 11 [2 favorites]

In short, we are friends.
You are coworkers that have become friends. You're going on an out-of-town concert. This weekend is Valentine's Day weekend. He mentioned it now because it's material and he doesn't want you getting the wrong idea.

Many people don't bring up their personal lives at work until it's necessary. I have people I've worked with closely for years and never mentioned their boyfriends/girlfriends/spouse/partner the entire time.

See Work Spouse
posted by junesix at 3:41 PM on February 11 [19 favorites]

Q: "Why don't you talk about your girlfriend?"

A: "Because I don't like her very much, and when I'm not around her, I like to pretend she doesn't exist. But I'm getting laid regularly, so I'll keep her around until something better comes along. Namely, you."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:43 PM on February 11 [2 favorites]

This is really common in my experience and means absolutely nothing about his feelings towards you or her. I don't know whether most of the men in my department are single, married, gay, furry, or what, and I'm friendly with all of them. Plus, I'm married so it's not like they're trying to hide anything from me in the hopes of getting in my pants.

Stop overanalyzing and go find a single guy to flirt with.
posted by desjardins at 3:51 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

I've known a lot of guys like this and I have 2 theories, both assume the guy has no intention of cheating on his girlfriend:

1) They just want to know they still "have it" and enjoy carrying on a mildly flirtatious relationship with attractive women they know, because it's safe and generally they don't escalate it to such a level where there is any real danger of betraying their girlfriend.

2) They really like the girl and if single would definitely date her. They feel a lot of guilt for having feelings for the girl and therefore don't even like to think/talk about the girlfriend while in the presence of the girl.

And yes it is amazing how you can talk to a guy for months on end about seemingly every facet of their life and yet they can somehow leave out the fact that they are in a serious relationship, probably with someone you are going to awkwardly meet a cocktail party at some point. Ahh memories.
posted by whoaali at 3:51 PM on February 11 [2 favorites]

Another possibility that hasn't yet been mentioned (although I think some of the other theories postulated are definite possibilities, depending on him, you and his girlfriend):-

- having a girlfriend just hasn't arisen in conversation before. She wasn't relevant to any topics you've discussed, so he just didn't bring her up.
posted by goo at 4:09 PM on February 11

yes, yes, and yes again.... all of the above comments are on the money.... If your feelings are easily entangled this is the time for a graceful exit.

If a casual friendship is cool with you then enjoy it but...are you going to hang out with him and the girlfriend? Doubtful he'd ever even suggest it, right? Are you interested in updates on the status of his romance? If the answer to these questions is no then 'just friends' is not the relationship you have here.
posted by Weaslegirl at 4:12 PM on February 11

Okay, plate of beans time.

I have a girlfriend. And I have many female friends and colleagues. When I meet a new friend-or-coworker-of-the-opposite-sex, I don't immediately mention that I have a girlfriend, because that would send the following signal: "O HAI I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND I HAVE TO MENTION THIS NOW BECAUSE I THINK WE'RE TOTALLY FLIRTING AND STUFF AND I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO GET THE WRONG IDEA." Which is a weird signal to send to someone you've just met.

But at the same time, I don't not mention it, because then the signal would be, once the "secret" is out, "O HAI I'VE BEEN HIDING MY GIRLFRIEND FROM YOU BECAUSE I TOTALLY WANT TO BANG YOU."

Casual acquaintances from work don't necessarily need to know any details about your personal life; as you get to know them, those details will eventually emerge through casual conversation. Since significant others tend to be a significant part of a nutritious breakfast anyone's life, they generally get mentioned at some point -- that point being where your acquaintances start becoming friends and you start sharing your personal details. So it's not hidden, but it's not advertised either.

It's not necessarily the same thing as hiding or lying about a girlfriend's existence, in other words.
posted by mcwetboy at 4:17 PM on February 11 [9 favorites]

Five minutes before he mentioned her to you he was in the copy room shooting the shit with two other guys, talking about which girls in the office were "bangable." It's just something guys do sometimes, because, well, because we're pigs like that. Anyway, your name came up and the other guys told him "Dude, bibliophibianj is totally into you."

He'd never considered it before, because sometimes we guys don't pick up on stuff, but now that the other guys mentioned it it makes perfect sense to him even if it's not the case. This is his way of letting you know it aint gonna happen.
posted by bondcliff at 4:17 PM on February 11

There's a chance that he finally mentioned the girlfriend because he realized you might be interested and he didn't want to lead you on.

Just a thought.
posted by 2oh1 at 4:39 PM on February 11

I tell people almost nothing about my personal life, even if they're friendly work acquaintances. Some of us are just like that.
posted by sonic meat machine at 4:44 PM on February 11 [3 favorites]

So here's something I've noticed about my past life as an overanalyzer: it never, ever, ever did me any good. In fact I think it probably harmed my friendships with men over the years. I pored over conversations, word by word, looking for "clues" and trying to decipher "mixed signals." I wasted so much time I cringe thinking about it.

So, other people have offered possible reasons why he didn't tell you. I particularly like mcwetboy's explanation. But since you asked "Did it suddenly become more relevant?" I wanted to pipe in and say: STOP. IT. NOW. I mean that in the nicest possible way. Use this friendship as your first step toward Overanalyzing Rehab. It doesn't matter why he didn't tell you.
posted by Meg_Murry at 4:45 PM on February 11 [5 favorites]

Did he do wrong? Some people do this sort of thing and think it is OK, or more likely work more effectively when they are careful not to ask themselves too many questions about these things. In the end it doesn't matter. Its gonna happen and the best thing you can do is find a way to get them to bring it up early on when you start to feel something that might be mutual. Otherwise, best to chalk it up in the best light possible and assume that the person kept it from you because they felt a spark with you and didn't want it to end. As long as you don't hold it against them, there's no use in analyzing it when you can assume they had some feelings for you. Might as well get something out of it.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:57 PM on February 11

If he mentioned it, he's probably either just now realizing he's not interested in you, or just now realizing you're interested in him. He's actually being nice.

Don't forget a lot of people (especially work people) seem to think being friendly and flirting are the same things.
posted by OrangeDrink at 5:32 PM on February 11

Cool Papa Bell has the right idea. Even guys who have no intention of cheating will work to keep their other life separate from you. A married guy who sometimes flirts with me never refers to his wife or kids by name, only "the wife" or "my youngest" or what have you. They want to enjoy a moment, however brief, where they feel free from obligations.
posted by Melismata at 5:47 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

He could've been uncomfortable mentioning her if no one ever asked - I know girls don't like mentioning a boyfriend because they're afraid that people will think that they thought that they were hitting on them and that is why they felt they had to bring it up... so they avoid the topic altogether.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 5:48 PM on February 11

He was into you and enjoying the flirtation/attention, so why bring up the girlfriend and ruin the current day to day attention? I'm sure it was something to look forward to during the work week for him. However, now that there's an out of town concert and the possibility of something "accidentally" happening or someone having the wrong idea, it had to be brought up. It was more about living in a work fantasy than reality. He probably genuinely likes you, but had to keep things real by finally mentioning the girlfriend.

This has happend to me a couple of times...I've learned to just ask outright, regardless if they're co-workers or friends.
posted by getmetoSF at 6:31 PM on February 11

This is all about the upcoming Valentine's Day weekend, and him wanting to get a couple more cards on the table. It means he likes you, but isn't (or hasn't been) sure of how he feels about you. It might or might not mean that he wants to hook up with you this weekend (he might not know himself), but if that does happen he wants you to know in advance that he has a girlfriend.

All that aside, there's the simple difficulty in judging the right time to disclose something. I have MS. It's a very mild case. You'd never know it from meeting me and hanging out with me at great length. But I'm diagnosed, I'm on meds, etc.

When I was dating, there was the constant question of when to disclose. On the first date? That seems a little hasty. After a year of dating? Why withhold for so long? At first you keep somethin back out of politeness, and then before you know it there's this burden of silence that can make it hard to speak up. Until there's some outside catalyst, e.g. Valentine's Day.

Have a fun weekend!
posted by alms at 7:05 PM on February 11

when i was in a similar situation, a friend of mine offered this very excellent piece of wisdom: "always assume that a guy who's ambiguously flirting has a girlfriend and two cats he just isn't telling you about."
posted by sdn at 7:50 PM on February 11

There's a chance that he finally mentioned the girlfriend because he realized you might be interested and he didn't want to lead you on.

I have, on occasion, brought up my husband in conversation with someone who didn't previously realize I was married for this exact reason. It's a gentle way to dissuade someone from getting overly flirty, when I like them enough to not want to embarrass them.
posted by tomatofruit at 8:17 PM on February 11

He had no reason to bring her up before. Now that you are going to the same concert, he wants to let you know that there is a boundary.
posted by qvtqht at 8:25 PM on February 11

I'm in the same camp as mcwetboy; I don't generally describe my romantic life to coworkers without something prompting me to (which could be as minor a thing as describing the trip I took a long weekend to take, or something). It doesn't mean I hide the fact I'm in a relationship; it just doesn't necessarily come up.

(And revealing that I have an SO doesn't particularly get in the way of casual flirting-for-the-fun-of-it anyway.)
posted by hattifattener at 8:31 PM on February 11

I'd be okay with him not mentioning her, except that you've gone out for drinks a few times. Once you go from office flirting to drinks and out of town plans, well it seems like he should have mentioned her.

Either way, he's a no-go for you. Next.
posted by 26.2 at 8:58 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

Thirding mcwetboy. Also, you haven't mentioned your question whether he referred to a long-time girlfriend, or if it's a brand new relationship. Hell, maybe he met this chick three days ago, slept together once, and now considers her a girlfriend.
posted by craven_morhead at 9:01 PM on February 11

I've been guilty of both of these things that Whoaali said.

I tend to think this is a common phenomenon . . . flirting is fun, harmless, etc but at some point you do have to set the other person straight, just in case. but it can be hard. i've found that sometimes a flirty dynamic starts with someone i've just met but because it never escalates above a baseline level, i suddenly feel awkward whenever i'm about to mention my boyfriend: 'will it seem odd that i'm bringing it up now? will they think i'm trying to drop a hint? they might not even be interested in me, i don't want to seem conceited. better just not mention it.' and suddenly a missed opportunity after one week becomes three months of conciously avoiding the subject.

and actually, i guess this only does happen with people i do have some level of interest in. so the fact that it took him so long, at least to me would indicate that he finds you interesting. doesn't mean he would necessarily be wanting to act on it. but i think its healthy to have (small, harmless) crushes (that you dont act on) while in a relationship. maybe that's whats going on in his brain.
posted by lblair at 11:42 PM on February 11

Hedging his bets. Sorry, all other theories are just not true.
posted by micklaw at 3:32 AM on February 12

This question is stuck in my head because it hit close to home for me, so if you'll excuse another thought from a reformed overanalyzer: You might reconsider flirting with someone for weeks without proactively asking about his relationship status. I know, I know, everyone wants things to happen "naturally" and to just slide from meeting to flirting to hot, hot lovin' but it'll save you loads of headaches (and heartache) in the long run. I know this from experience.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:18 AM on February 12

Thanks for all your answers, and for being nice. I do intend to use this as Step 1 to stop overanalyzing, and really, I'm relieved to find out he has a girlfriend. I'd already determined that he wasn't really my type romantically before he mentioned her and was quite nervous about the upcoming concert (which is Sunday, not VD, just so you know). Boundaries will make me much more comfortable! I'm honestly happy to just be friends with him. I posted the question partially because I wondered if it was common to not mention SOs to friends/colleagues. (As a perpetual single so far, I can't go by what I'd do.) I guess it is.

Junesix, thanks for the link to the Wikipedia article about work spouses! I'd never heard of this phenomenon, but it's fascinating. The working world is pretty new to me, though. And Meg_Murry, thanks for your sympathy. :)
posted by bibliophibianj at 8:59 AM on February 12