So, he mentioned that he wants kids...

February 10, 2009 6:57 AM

What does it all mean?!

I've been dating this guy for a couple of months, and though we have really great personal chemistry, it took us awhile to become physically involved. The first night we had, um, relations, just before we kissed, he mentioned that he wanted kids and asked me how I felt about children. He has hinted that he wants to settle down in the long run. We haven't really spoken about our relationship, but it would seem to me (and maybe I'm just being a complete girl) that he wouldn't have brought up kids if he weren't at least interested in this being a long-term sort of thing. Any thoughts?

posted by anonymous to human relations (13 comments total)

Sounds like he wants to know so he can have something to base his decision on. If someone told me they definitely wanted kids, I would know I was wasting my time, and if someone told my friend they never wanted kids, she would know to cut and run now.
posted by fiercecupcake at 7:10 AM on February 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

That could just as easily be him making sure he puts it out there early, so if it turns out you have different life goals, nobody can say he didn't tell you up front. In other words, not necessarily saying anything about you at all.

But you know what? None of us can tell you what he thinks. If you really want to know, ask him, not us.
posted by ottereroticist at 7:11 AM on February 10

There isn't much to go on here but I would guess that it means absolutely nothing. He was just wondering about your future plans for lack of anything better to talk about before finally getting around to putting the moves on you. Don't bring it up, just hang out with him when you want to and relax.

YMMV based on:

How old you are
How old he is
His background (divorced, virginal, slutty, Xtian, Martian, so on)
What time of day it was
How drunk you both were
Where you both fall on the Hot/Crazy graph
The flight of birds and the entrails of a black ram cut open over a pure blue fire with a silver blade.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:29 AM on February 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

My guess is that he is inexperienced and has some feelings for you. As one of his early love interests, you right now are looming pretty big for him. So he asked you that question.

Explains the taking a long time to get physical part.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:55 AM on February 10

It seems to me that he is of the type who wants to find someone with whom to settle down, and that he'd like to have kids some day. At the very least, he doesn't think you're not settle-down-with material (that is, you've not been ruled out). Perhaps he's been burned in the past--invested time and emotion and got attached to someone with different life goals--and doesn't want that to happen again. I think it's likely that he's just testing the waters before he dives in too deep; that he waited a time before becoming physical with you lends further support to that argument.

It's funny, my guy and I were talking about this sort of thing recently. He and I are totally on the same page, marriage and kids-wise, but really we just got lucky. Many people have totally decided that marriage and/or kids are not in their future; these are usually pretty solid life decisions that aren't easily overturned by the desires of another (especially as the individuals get older). I've seen many people really hurt by having to decide between, for example, wanting to have a child and staying with their significant other but never having kids. Boyfriend and I both agreed that it would be so much easier if you could just meet someone and right off the bat find out their opinions on matters like these, and if anything doesn't jive you can get out before you get too attached. Sounds like your guy decided to throw caution and early-stages-of-dating shyness to the wind and do just that.
posted by penchant at 8:25 AM on February 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'd guess he was trying to open up and be honest with you. He probably knows he eventually wants a longterm relationship and that he might as well be up front about who he is if he'd like to get there sometime. He probably wouldn't be dating you if on some level he didn't see this as having some potential.

And he has absolutely terrible timing.
posted by Relic at 8:27 AM on February 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

He knows what he was getting at. You should ask him.

Best case, you learn about each other and deepen your relationship. Worst case, you find out about a serious incompatibility — in which case, at least you caught it early on. Either way, as long as you approach the conversation with real curiosity about his needs and feelings, it's bound to be worthwhile.

We're just a bunch of yahoos on the internet. We don't have the first clue what he's thinking.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:28 AM on February 10

I'd guess he doesn't want to get intimate unless he's with someone he sees a future with. If you were adamantly against kids, he would have seen no future, not slept with you, and possibly broken up with you in the near future.

But that's just a guess. As is every other answer on this thread.

The only thing that will not be a guess is when you ask him what it meant. Which will likely be followed immediately by a 'state of the relationship' discussion.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:39 AM on February 10

Nth "so ask."

Given the proximity to your first "intimate encounter" it's also possible he was implying how he'd feel if you got pregnant, and what kind of action he's want to take in those circumstances.
posted by phearlez at 9:11 AM on February 10

I had a marriage end because I wanted kids and he didn't.

Before 'moonMan and I got involved, I did my best to subtly suss out how he felt about kids because quite frankly, I didn't want to "waste my time" by getting involved, and then going through another breakup over the same issue. My guess would be this guy just isn't good at subtle.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 3:29 PM on February 10

It means he likes you, and just didn't want to let himself fall too hard for you only for it to turn out that you're not into having kids as well.

I've spoken about kids and marriage on first dates with girls who later on turned out to be boring, but I've only ever spoken about it when I was at least interested in them when we were talking. When I can tell I'm not really interested in a girl, that stuff doesn't come up at all.

[...] just hang out with him when you want to and relax.

Always good advice.
posted by The Monkey at 6:05 PM on February 10

Maybe he's like, really really fecund.
posted by Deathalicious at 8:13 AM on February 11 [1 favorite has favorites]

You gotta ask him.

I really really really want children, so I am not getting serious with dudes who aren't at least mildly interested in possibly raising kids with me. (And, of course, to me, guys who express that they might want to get me pregnant become more attractive. Unless I feel like they're creepy about it.)
posted by bilabial at 7:14 PM on February 12