help me Be Cool about a crush on a co-worker.

February 9, 2009 8:29 PM

Have crush on co-worker; not sure how to deal. I have questions within questions, and need both honest and realistic answers about basic human interaction. Rather lengthy.

BACKGROUND:
I’m 25, female, straight, shy, and nearly 100% inexperienced in dealing with guys, in the romantic sense. Not an exaggeration: I’ve been on 1 date ever (nearly a decade ago). And I’ve never even held hands with a male before, much less done anything whatsoever beyond that, casual or otherwise. Additionally, I’m semi-nervous around guys in a non-romantic, social context (i.e. non-work, non-school), but the nervousness is handle-able.

I’m not diagnosed with any disorder, mental or otherwise; I have mildly oscillating self-esteem about certain things, but am comfortable doing stuff alone; I am by nature a private person, but feel a bit lonely sometimes. I have one close friend, who happens to live in town, and once in a while I hang out with friendish acquaintances that I've known for ages (but don't necessarily consider as close). I have been told by people I’ve known for 10+ years (family and not) that I sometimes give off super-aloof-vibes when people are just trying to be nice, or trying to get to know me better. I agree with this criticism (as I’ve caught myself in the past just being downright cold for no good reason), so I’ve tried to consciously tone that down, and emphasize the friendliness, and I think I’ve improved over the last few years. It’s a clumsy, continuous effort though.

This lack of experience is why I need some basic things explained to me.

THE SITUATION:
I have a crush on a co-worker who is about 3 years older than I am. He is in another department (we have very minimal work-related contact), and has a work schedule that is both extremely rigorous and varied, and is different from week to week (includes days, nights, and/or weekends, in various parts of the city). I work the 8-5 shift and am a full-time undergrad student. I see him maybe 1 day a week (in the office), 2 days if I’m very lucky.

We both have a thing for movies. If he is not rushing off somewhere for work, we'll end up chatting briefly about a movie one of us recently saw. Usually he initiates; sometimes I do. These last up to 15 minutes at most; we've had maybe 4 conversations of this length on this one subject in the 8 months we've been acquainted. This counts in my book as “barely any interaction at all.”

And yet, I have been attracted to him from the start. There’s no indication that he is anything towards me other than just-being-pleasant. Plus, I am busy, he is even more busy, and we’re pretty much strangers so it seems bizarre to me a) that I feel like this, b) that I feel like pursuing this in some manner, c) and that there’s a chance in hell he’d be at all interested. And, possibly worrying: I have NO CLUE what I want out of this apparent crush. All I know is: I am very attracted and curious about him, and therefore want to talk to him more, spend some time with him. And I don’t know how to deal with it, and what is considered appropriate.

QUESTIONS BASED ON THE ABOVE:
Assume that he is single, and that the office has no policy against dating people in the workplace:

1. Am I mistaking “ooh, potential friend!” feelings for “omg I totally have a crush on him” feelings? Does it matter or is it bad that I don't know which feeling it is? How do you tell the difference if it’s not obvious? (I think he's cute, but it’s not like I want to jump him or anything. I might later if something develops, but erm, not just yet.)

2. Would it be considered creepy for me to say to him, during one of these talks, “hey, I have an idea! We should see a movie sometime!” i.e. is the interaction we’ve had considered normal grounds for me to ask that question?

3. If the interaction we’ve had is NOT considered normal grounds for me to ask (or if the following method is better), should I try to steer these brief conversations (if you can even call them that) towards the more personal (generic getting-to-know-you sorts of things) and then try asking him out (because that is what it is, right??)?

4. Should I just not bother?

5. Am I way, way overthinking this? Is the best thing to do just to relax, blurt out the question, and if he says no, then reply, “OK!” and then act exactly as before? I don't want to weird him out.

posted by phonebia to human relations (30 comments total)

2. Would it be considered creepy for me to say to him, during one of these talks, “hey, I have an idea! We should see a movie sometime!” i.e. is the interaction we’ve had considered normal grounds for me to ask that question?

No, not creepy. Yes, relax and ask him!
posted by lee at 8:52 PM on February 9

5. Am I way, way overthinking this?

Ummm, lets see. Yes! Good heavens. Ask already. Look, speaking as one late bloomer to another, just take a chance. Yeah you could get hurt, and you almost certainly will along the way. Maybe you'll consumate a crush, maybe you'll just make a friend, maybe it will be an embarassing failure. It's all a journey. Stop thinking so hard.

If you say nothing, it becomes the proverbial tree falling in the forest. I think No. 2 sounds just fine.
posted by elendil71 at 8:55 PM on February 9 [2 favorites]

This will become evident over time. Even people in established long-term relationships question their feelings and try to work out exactly what's going on their heads. I say it's too early to tell, and there's no reason why you should know already. I am not a believer in "I knew right away!" with regards to love... either your interest will build over time or you'll decide that you're better as movie buddies. You're right to reserve judgement until later and keep an open mind.

Asking him out is definitely not creepy... but if you've only had 4 conversations, why not ease into it by bringing him a movie you own and offering to lend it to him? Reference your last conversation (he said he liked X director and you thought he might like Y film). If he's seen it already, ask him to recommend one for you. Maybe you could build a back-and-forth lending situation that might progress toward "Let's see a movie together" more naturally. If you establish a basic level of friendship and rapport, the invitations will flow more easily and you won't be stuck wondering "Am I being creepy here?" and the subsequent 'dates' or 'friendship get-togethers' will feel a lot more relaxed.

You are over-thinking it... but that's pretty normal if you've not had much experience. In my experience, dating is a LOT like friendship at first. You're still testing the waters and trying to determine if your values line up and if you enjoy your time together. In your first question you indicate you're not even sure what your feelings are... why not just follow the momentum of this and instead of thinking of it as a binary yes/no response to a request for a date, think of it as a 'getting to know you' situation where you still haven't made up your mind either. That means he doesn't have the power over your emotions!
posted by cranberrymonger at 9:02 PM on February 9 [3 favorites]

2. Would it be considered creepy for me to say to him, during one of these talks, “hey, I have an idea! We should see a movie sometime!” i.e. is the interaction we’ve had considered normal grounds for me to ask that question?

On the contrary, chances are he's been doing his best to get sth going, with all this movie talking you do.
posted by JimN2TAW at 9:04 PM on February 9

Yes, you are overthinking this, but that's ok, and is kind of fun sometimes as long as you don't get too caught up in it.

2. Would it be considered creepy for me to say to him, during one of these talks, “hey, I have an idea! We should see a movie sometime!” i.e. is the interaction we’ve had considered normal grounds for me to ask that question?

Yes, absolutely ok, not creepy at all. (But don't forget that you barely know him, and people say "no" for all kinds of perfectly normal reasons that don't mean that you smell bad or are funny looking. He might be gay, have a girlfriend, have an unusual phobia about seeing movies with other people, etc. Or he might say yes, and then mention his lover during the intermission, or stand you up, or any of the other odd things people do because they are weird. In other words, don't read too much into his answer, whether it is yes or no.)

But if I can make a suggestion -- better than "how about a movie sometime" which is really vague and leaves both of you uncertain if you have real plans or not, suggest something specific. "Oh, you haven't seen the new Star Trek movie yet either? I'm planning to see it this weekend, would you like to meet up? Which day would be good for you?"

Am I mistaking “ooh, potential friend!” feelings for “omg I totally have a crush on him” feelings? Does it matter or is it bad that I don't know which feeling it is? How do you tell the difference if it’s not obvious?

For me both are really similar, and I'm not sure parsing this out precisely matters. Friend or friend, either way the course of action is similar -- find ways to talk and hang out and see if the interest is mutual. Start with a movie or coffee, and worry about the details down the road.
posted by Forktine at 9:05 PM on February 9 [8 favorites]

Eye contact, smile. The rest takes care of itself.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:05 PM on February 9

You're waaaaaaaaaaay overthinking it... but that's A-OK. We all do from time to time :)

If you'd like to see a movie with him, why not ask? There's nothing wrong with it at all. If he's interested in you as a friend, he'll think it's cool. If he's maybe interested in you as more than a friend, he'll be flattered.

As for the at-work romance thing... it's almost always bad news, sadly, and yet, it's something almost everybody does at some point. The reason it tends to be bad news is because of the weirdness that comes with having couples in the workplace, not to mention what happens when there is a breakup. Google it and you'll find more info than you'll have time to read. On the other hand, it's how my father and stepmother met. Of course, he was still married to my mother at the time (ahem).

Aaaaanyway.... Best of luck to you!
posted by 2oh1 at 9:09 PM on February 9

Yeah, something like, "Let me know if you feel like going to see a movie some time. " is great. It's casual, pressure free and it leaves the door open for the future. Good luck!
posted by bonobothegreat at 9:10 PM on February 9 [1 favorite]

Seconding (3rding?) the advice that it's totally cool to ask him to see a movie, but don't say "sometime," name a film and a date. Always better to be specific, and if you make it sound like you're planning to go anyway, it'll be much less "omg a date!!1!!" stress for both of you.

Re: the "how you like him" bit: you don't know yet. he probably doesn't know his own feelings yet either. That's perfect. that's what getting to know each other is for.
posted by drjimmy11 at 9:17 PM on February 9 [1 favorite]

hey, I have an idea! We should see a movie sometime!

Don't do this. I mean, do this, but don't leave it so open-ended. Instead of "We should do x sometime!" be specific, say "Do you want to see a movie with me this Saturday?"

Either he'll say yes , or he'll say no.

If he says no too busy, ask if there's another day that's better. If he says yes, decide on a movie and place and time and say 'OK, I'll see you at 9:00 for Slumdog Millionaire! Oh hey can I get your phone number in case I get lost or something?"

If you just leave it at a vague 'we should do X sometime', you're really not that likely to get any response at all, and it could be any number of reasons having nothing to do with you. If you get someone to agree with a time and place though, they'll probably be there. With you.
posted by spatula at 9:23 PM on February 9 [1 favorite]

I can definitely empathize because I used to be a lot like this regarding dating. If asking him out is really terrifying, the suggestion of lending him a movie to sort of start a reason for you guys to have to talk is a really good one. If not, then go for it. He may say yes, he may say no, but don't let a no get you down, because, as many others said, there are so many reasons that could have absolutely nothing to do with you.
posted by fructose at 9:25 PM on February 9

It sounds like you are pretty "young" in the emotional/social/relationship realm. It's great that you're listening to feedback from others about the vibes you give off, and that you're making efforts to change your presentation.

The potential problem for someone in your situation is that you're so hungry socially that you might be imagining this guy is *perfect* and *exactly who you need*, when, in fact, you hardly know him at all. This means that you might either push too hard with him or feel crushed if he doesn't want to, or can't, go to a movie with you. Basically, the next step for you is to try to get to know him better, to figure out what kind of a friend or acquaintance you and he can be. Going to a movie, or getting coffee, or something low key like that is a perfect next step for this kind of exploration.

Whether you guys end up going out to a movie or not, you should ask him. This is exactly the kind of interaction you need to help you become more socially skillful. Good luck exploring the infinite abyss!
posted by jasper411 at 9:33 PM on February 9 [2 favorites]

2)

You sound like you know this guy - even if you think you don't. You sound like you know yourself, and you sound like you are now ready to date a nice guy (like him).

He likes you. Ask him to the movies.
posted by Nick Verstayne at 9:49 PM on February 9

I’ve been on 1 date ever

STOP.

No matter what you do, or what learned advice is given in this thread, your sheer lack of dating experience insures that a certain level of disaster is imminent.

The sooner you accept the fact that you're going to screw it up, over react, or under-react, or over analyze, or essentially be an emotional flake... the better off you're going to be with handling the fallout.

a co-worker who is about 3 years older than I am

And, you have to assume is significantly more experienced than you are with dating and relationships... thus your own inexperience will be painfully apparent to this person, unless they are also, in some freakish twist of fate, equally inexperienced.

We both have a thing for movies.

Congratulations. You share a unique interest that is only found in several million of your fellow citizens.

I have been attracted to him from the start. There’s no indication that he is anything towards me other than just-being-pleasant.

The danger is that you may be building this guy up into something he is not... or rather, you're putting him into a position of leverage over your emotions and expectations.

That's not a good place to be.

Now, if he's a pure as the driven snow, it's not a problem, but it's hard to respect someone who is so obviously inexperienced and crushing-hard on you.

Am I mistaking “ooh, potential friend!” feelings for “omg I totally have a crush on him” feelings?

It doesn't have to be either or. You can fuck your friends, or vice versa. Start out as a friend because to start out as anything else would be completely weird and obsessive. Further, if you build a friendship that develops into a romance, it's slightly less likely the he'll walk all over you.

Would it be considered creepy for me to say to him, during one of these talks, “hey, I have an idea! We should see a movie sometime!”

Yes it would. You don't know this guy... you only talk to him in 15 minute increments. A better in would be to say, "Hey, we should hang out sometime."

Seriously, a movie is a big commitment... it's two and half hours sitting in the dark beside someone who you don't even know. A better option is to say, "Let's grab a drink after work sometime and continue this movie-related conversation..."

should I try to steer these brief conversations

Sure, if your conversations don't have an end, then you're both wasting your time.

Should I just not bother?

The best that could happen is that you both fall in love, get married, have babies, and ride off into the sunset.

The worst that could happen is that you're just a notch in his belt, and he tells everyone at your job what a slut you are.

The likely outcome is probably somewhere in between those two extremes. You do the math.

Am I way, way overthinking this?

PROTIP: when you find yourself asking, "Am I over thinking this?" YOU ARE!

and if he says no, then reply, “OK!” and then act exactly as before? I don't want to weird him out.

Again, the fact that you work with this person ads a twist to this interaction. It's not just that you have to deal with possible rejection, it's that you have to deal with inner-office gossip. But you're going to have to deal with that either way...
posted by wfrgms at 10:10 PM on February 9

Yes you're overthinking this. The only thing that you aren't focusing on enough (which is relevant) is that he's a coworker, which can lead to trouble for obvious reasons. If you're willing to dip your pen in company ink then just go ahead and follow the advice above.

If he says no too busy, ask if there's another day that's better.

Everything except this. If you ask someone out and they say no, it's best just to say 'maybe some other time then' or some such, instead of pestering them about their schedule and when they can squeeze you in. At that point the ball is firmly in their court and there's no reason to badger someone who simply may not be into you.
posted by drpynchon at 10:17 PM on February 9

we’re pretty much strangers so it seems bizarre to me a) that I feel like this, b) that I feel like pursuing this in some manner [...] And, possibly worrying: I have NO CLUE what I want out of this apparent crush.

I think you've quite effectively summed up how crushes work. There isn't really all that much rhyme or reason about who you crush on, or why.

(although I personally feel that it's much easier to crush on people the less I know about them, or the less interaction I have with them, but that's probably just me)

All I know is: I am very attracted and curious about him, and therefore want to talk to him more, spend some time with him.

That sounds like a good basis for talking to him some more, and wanting to spend time with him. At least you have that initial spark of attraction & curiosity.

Am I mistaking “ooh, potential friend!” feelings for “omg I totally have a crush on him” feelings? Does it matter or is it bad that I don't know which feeling it is? How do you tell the difference if it’s not obvious?

I thought you were "very attracted & curious"? That sounds more crushy than friendly, but why bother labelling? Enjoy it.

Would it be considered creepy for me to say to him, during one of these talks, “hey, I have an idea! We should see a movie sometime!” i.e. is the interaction we’ve had considered normal grounds for me to ask that question?

Speaking as a guy here, no, not creepy at all. It's always flattering when that happens. It might be a teensy bit uncomfortable if the asker is obviously after something datey-relationshipy & the feeling isn't reciprocated, but there's a standard kind of way of responding with a light letdown, which I'm sure others have done / will do a good job of explaining.

Briefly, "Shit, I'm busy that night; howabout next Thursday instead?" = YES! whereas something vague like "Sorry, I have a lot on my plate right now" (with no offer of an alternate date) = "thanks, but no thanks".

Or, you know, you might just end up hanging out at the movies as friends & seeing what, if anything, develops over time.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:21 PM on February 9

I would start with lunch sometime, not a movie. He won't say no.

It may not end up romantic, but at least you can move yourself a step closer to a comfort zone with him. Then ask him to a movie.
posted by jabberjaw at 10:23 PM on February 9

Would it be considered creepy for me to say to him, during one of these talks, “hey, I have an idea! We should see a movie sometime!

No, not creepy at all.

You are shy, and that aloof stuff, that comes with shy. Don't sweat it too much but perhaps try to smile at people more even when they bore you. Everyone does it. As for getting this guy's attention, again, smile. Laugh at his jokes, smile genuinely, give off a few subtle cues that you appreciate his person and when you suggest a movie, whether he is thinking friend or hot date, everything gets easier. Since you are shy you probably want to push your relationship comfort zone a little bit, but not so much you get lost. Oh, and be yourself and have fun, whether it is just friend stuff or gets more serious.
posted by caddis at 10:37 PM on February 9

If this were a inexperienced guy interested in a female co-worker, the advice and tone of the responses would be radically different.
posted by Yakuman at 10:38 PM on February 9

You know, you seem like a very calculating person (not an insult, just an observation). Use it to your advantage in life. Do a risk vs. reward graph in your head for any decision you are not sure of.

In this situation, the graph says "high reward potential and potentially low risk". If you agree, you should go for it.

OH...and you should know that since you don't have a Y-chromosome, you are already off to an awesome start when approaching potential mates. That should give you a bit of confidence.

Good luck.
posted by hal_c_on at 10:49 PM on February 9

Nthing purt' near all of the above, to include the thoughts that he might decline the offer for any number of reasons that relate to his life; that if he does, don't take it personally, the next opportunity in the realm will feel less uncomfortable for doing this.

I can add with some trepidation, from a male perspective, that in reading this, I wondered about your physical appearance.

Call me a caveman, but while the person may think you're stunning, but he may be involved with someone, gay, getting over someone and declining invitations he'd otherwise accept, etc., it's challenging to have a sense that appearence is immaterial.

I always remember a sister relating that realistically, there's gotta be some physical attraction--more for the funny way she said "some" than because it was revelatory.

It may be right, it may be wrong, but unless it's clear that something is platonic only, I accept that when I go down this road, the likelhood of "yes," is often based at least to some extent on my physique, face, clothes and person hygeine, and to some extent the person's personal preferences in those regards.
posted by ambient2 at 11:11 PM on February 9

Assume that he is single, and that the office has no policy against dating people in the workplace:

If you aren't sure of either of those very important factors, get the answers before going further.
posted by Carol Anne at 5:42 AM on February 10

1. Eh, just go with it and find out.
2. Not creepy, you’ve had enough interaction, do it.
3. Eh, I’d go with #2.
4. No. Bother.
5. Maybe, but in any case it doesn’t sound like it’s gotten to way, wayyyy overthinking. You’re nervous and inexperienced, it’s normal to be all OMG crush. And yes, if he says no, just be breezey
posted by Pax at 6:22 AM on February 10

If this were a inexperienced guy interested in a female co-worker, the advice and tone of the responses would be radically different.

Yes, because the risk of a guy (especially a guy whose social skills might be a little lacking) coming off as threatening or creepy is much higher. In our future utopia, yes, everything will be egalitarian and everyone will have equal access to creepiness. But right here, right now, "creepy" and "threatening" are something that guys have to be a lot more careful about not projecting, compared to women.

But there are dozens and dozens of AskMes from inexperienced guys asking for dating tutorials, and almost all of them (except for that fedora guy) are met with the same supportive advice to "get out there and ask her already!" Trust me, that's a well-traveled path at MetaFilter, and my sense is that the advice given is as nurturing and informative as it is here, with the added nuances of how gender plays out in our society. Here is one from just yesterday, where the guy wants to know how to go about making casual hook-ups, with lots of "here's how to do it" advice from both men and women.

The good part of this, for the OP here, is that being "creepy" is not something that needs to be her first worry. Yes, if you start knitting him sweaters and leaving little "presents" in his desk drawers, or making jokes about boiling bunnies, you will definitely be creepy. But asking him if he wants to see a movie will never be creepy, especially if you are low-key and friendly about it.

I wouldn't worry about trying to figure out beforehand if he is single or not -- as with Jessamyn's story, it can be more complicated than just a simple yes/no, and even if he has a partner you can still go on a platonic movie outing with him. The workplace issue -- if other people are doing it, and neither of you supervises the other, then you are probably ok to proceed.
posted by Forktine at 6:38 AM on February 10 [2 favorites]

Would it be considered creepy for me to say to him, during one of these talks, “hey, I have an idea! We should see a movie sometime!”

It's not creepy. And the answers to all your other questions will become clear the faster you do this.
posted by hermitosis at 7:52 AM on February 10

you need to fail harder and more often. I'm serious. right now you're shy because you want to protect yourself from humiliation and heartache. you need to figure out it's not that big of a deal when that happens.

look, there is no way of knowing whether he likes you until someone says something. that means either you or him. that will never change. you will never learn it and rejection will always suck when it happens. but you will learn that it just sucks for a bit and that your heart can really handle that. so lose that fear. next time you talk about movies mention something you wanted to see and ask if he wants to come along. smile. fuuuucking smile, you hear me? this is you being nice. nobody can feel creeped out if you just smile. that alone changes everything. it'll take some practice but if you just approach people with a smile and chat them up about something small... ("hey, cool scarf! can I ask where you got that?" something small like that!) very few people will be put off. you'll just come across as a nice person and if you do this ten times you'll have it down. make it a challenge: you need to strike up at least one conversation with a total stranger during which you need to learn three meaningful things about them every day. chat with people in line at starbucks or on the train. it will change your life. it will change how you act, how you approach people. everything else will fall into place.

I used to carry a deck of trivial pursuit cards in my jacket. when I was in a city I didn't know anyone in I'd just go to a bar, find two or three people at the counter, order something and interrupt them. I'd put on my most massive smile and say something like "hey guys, you look way smarter than me! help me figure this question out, I'm a german and I just don't get it." I'm a 6"4 guy with a shaved head and people were still not scared of me when I did that. I would very quickly know if they were up for a chat and have a massive history of great nights painting towns red thanks to this.
posted by krautland at 8:08 AM on February 10 [2 favorites]

i just skimmed the answers above, but i agree with what others have said that it may be less nerve-wracking to suggest a specific movie. That way the conversation could revolve around "i am excited to see XYZ movie when it comes out! I really wanted to go to the midnight opening but my BFF won't do it because she's lame." then if he's interested and not a total idiot he might say something along the lines of 'i love going to midnight shows, i'd go with you!!' that way you have a time, a date AND a movie. and that way he'll think it was HIS idea to invite you (men are so cute that way.)
posted by lblair at 9:51 AM on February 10

God damn lady, life is too short. Just ask the dude out. He might say no. He might say yes. Forget the passive aggressive tricking him to ask you out stuff recommended above. If I have learned anything in my life it's that most men are morons. If you want to go out with him just ask. The fact you work together (in different departments!) seems like it shouldn't be that big an issue.
posted by chunking express at 11:32 AM on February 10

I say split the difference between "sometime" and "X movie at Y time". Give him a short timeframe to work with, like "in the next week" so there's an opportunity to negotiate around his schedule and showtimes.

Also, I think that a movie might be better than meeting up for lunch, at least for a first activity outside of work. You can do something together, don't have to talk for most of the time, then afterward have something specific to discuss.
posted by itesser at 5:35 PM on February 10

Wow!! I really appreciate all of the advice, encouragement, and the blunt reality checks -- I find it all very, very eye-opening and helpful. I definitely plan to find out for certain whether he is single/about office policy re dating (pretty sure there isn't one) and have definitely have thought about the in-office gossip situation.

Thanks very much everyone; keep it coming if there are more things to add!
posted by phonebia at 10:22 PM on February 10