Where is my mojo?

February 9, 2009 8:46 AM

I lost my mojo, how can I get it back?

I am a PhD student studying environmental policy. I grew up loving environmental issues. This passion continued through undergrad and into my current PhD program. In addition to my academic research, I have written op-ed articles, and run a popular blog on environmental policy. I would talk your ear off about environmental policy if you let me. However, after a traumatic eight months, I think I have lost my mojo.

Background:

To continue in the PhD program, all students must pass two qualifying exams after their 3rd year (of a 6 year program). These are very difficult exams. If you fail any exam twice, you are booted from the program. The exams test your general knowledge of the field, NOT your particular research interest.

In June 2008, on the very first day that summer break, I started studying. For the next four months I studied (no exaggeration) 12 to 15 hours a day, 7 days a week. I read dozens and dozens of books, and many hundreds of articles. My wife was great about my crazy studying.

In September 2008, I took the exams … and failed one. It devastated me. I didn’t just cry, I literally wept in my wife’s lap. However, while the retake exam (which determined whether I stayed in the program) was in January, I had planned (assuming I would pass) a very busy schedule (classes, papers, etc…) for that next semester and didn’t get any break. The very next day I put in 15 hours of work.

For the next 3 months I worked harder than I have ever done. I put in 15+ hours a day / seven days a week. I had to push hard so I could get the semester done early, giving me the most time to study. I was exhausted, and horribly snappy with my poor wife. I think I was a bad husband during those months, directing my frustration, worry, and anger on her.

In December, I finished my work for the quarter and hit the books again. This time putting in 12-15 hours, seven days a week again. To give some perspective, I spent my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years all studying alone in my apartment. This studying continued until I took the test again in January 2009.

In January (a few weeks ago), after seven months of trauma, I passed the qualifying exams.

The Problem:

After all that studying, somewhere along the way I fell out of love with environmental policy and the PhD program. I used to think of class papers as a chance to really do something great (and publish it as an op-ed article), now they seem like just things to get done as fast as possible. I am in a rut. I cannot seem to get motivated like I once was. My work is decent, but (in my opinion) it lacks the “mojo” and "passion" it once had. Furthermore, I have lost any interest in going to conferences, panels, discussions, talks, etc.. etc.. things that I would always have gone to before.


Question:

Why am I like this?

Can I fall back in love with my topic?

posted by Spurious to work & money (17 comments total)

You're sick of it from overexposure. I don't know what your current schedule is like, but now is the time to hit your other interests hard and come back to environmental policy when you've burned yourself out on them. This isn't limited to just academic things: Do you have a particular literature series, physical fitness goal, DIY remodeling, etc. to do? Throw yourself into that.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 8:49 AM on February 9

This happens to PhD students all the time. Anytime you become that single-mindedly focused on one small topic, burnout is sort of inevitable.

My suggestions:
1) Take a brief hiatus - maybe a week, maybe a month - whatever you can get away with. Go on vacation and don't even think about thinking about work.

2) Reduce your workload dramatically for a short time. Do some mundane things at work that don't require too much effort, and use your evenings to spend time with friends and family. Do all the stuff that you've been neglecting for six months while you studied.

3) Work your way back in by starting on a project that used to really excite you. Try to recapture that feeling as you work on it.

Life is too short to become beholden to your work 15 hours a day, no matter what your field or how low on the academic ladder you are. Just work on finding that life/work balance again and you'll start to remember why you liked your job again.
posted by chrisamiller at 9:00 AM on February 9

Why am I like this?

Because you have been putting in 15 hour days for like 7 months.

Can I fall back in love with my topic?

Take a week long vacation to somewhere that fascinates you environmentally. Leave the policy at home. Just go somewhere you can enjoy and look at nature without having to write a damn stupid paper about it. Remind yourself what this policy stuff is all about.
posted by milarepa at 9:01 AM on February 9 [1 favorite]

Focus on your wife for a bit. Something more important is calling--do little sweet things for her and do more work around the house. These things are natural processes. Let them work themselves out. You'll get back into the work eventually.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:01 AM on February 9

You're not just a brain in a bottle; The trauma you're putting yourself through isn't just mental. Rest, diet, exercise, and sleep in the proper proportions will probably work wonders on your outlook.
posted by hermitosis at 9:01 AM on February 9

Is it time for project Valentines' Day? You do know that V-Day is in, like, six days, yes? Putting together something fun for you and your saintly wife -- if you possibly can do so -- is nearly at the "medical leave of absence" level of importance and urgency.

Good Luck.
posted by amtho at 9:08 AM on February 9 [3 favorites]

you are burnt out. take a break.
posted by patnok at 9:22 AM on February 9

Agreed. Take some time off. You can't be super excited about a top for 15 hours per day forever. You gotta recharge your batteries. Come at your topic from a different direction / new perspective / etc.
posted by zpousman at 9:35 AM on February 9

I didn't get anything done for about 6 months after passing the qualifier.

This phenomena is common enough to be documented on this graph as the "post quals slump"
posted by pseudonick at 9:39 AM on February 9 [1 favorite]

You are exhausted. You haven't fallen out of love w/ environmental policy.

Don't take a short vacation if it means putting off a lot of work that you will have to face in double the time when you return. I know for me, if I'm going to use a vacation to recharge, I need 3 weeks: a week to wind down, a week to enjoy, a week to get bored and ready to return. And I need to be able to leave knowing that I won't be running a rat race when I get home.

Consequently, it is a rarity that I have this deluxe vacation option, so instead, I plan a few weeks of just "showing up" , doing the minimum required, and kind of living on auto-pilot. I get plenty of rest and do lots of nothing. That's what you need: to being doing lots of nothing during your off hours while you are adoring your longsuffering wife.
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 9:44 AM on February 9

face in half the time, rather...sheesh.
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 9:50 AM on February 9

I would try taking some time off. But as someone who lost her mojo and dropped out of a Ph.D. program, who is just now regaining interest in her topic three to four years later, I'm not sure taking a week off is going to do much. (I did have a fairly demanding day job, but it was not academic and I didn't do a single academic thing on the side.)

If I were giving myself advice way back when, here's what I say to myself, but take it for what it's worth, knowing that your burnout and psyche may be totally different from mine and that it's all theoretical, since I did drop out. It seems to me that you have two options. The one I'd recommend is to just accept, even embrace, what has happened. In my observation everyone shifts from loving their topic to "when am I going to get this damn thing done?" sometime. The research shifts from a passion to a job. It's even good: it would have made me faster at getting things done and would have made me put less pressure on myself to fulfill my heart's hugest dream with the research. So, the next step is to write your prospectus, right? Let this inspire you to write a very manageable research plan. There's something to be said for just getting it done.

My other option, if I had really wanted to work only in the context of that mojo, would have been to switch to something totally new. My passion for that topic had totally died. But about six months after dropping out, I was ready to go to law school. I wasn't ready for the competitiveness of law school, so I didn't go, but I was ready to throw myself into learning about the law. Maybe find a way to shift your topic enough that you're curious and interested again? Or take classes (law? public policy? business?) that give you an entirely new angle on your topic?

But back to the first idea. I'm happy to have dropped out, I really needed to. But if I'd had the project management skills then that I finally have now, I could've stayed in by telling myself, okay, you have three years to go. Your goal is to get the dang thing done while not letting it interfere with fully enjoying your life. Treat it like a day job and put in a good eight hours a day, but no more. (Perhaps even a flexible day job where it's easy to take time off in the middle of the day to go bike riding.) Resolve to do a good job that outsiders would consider solid, but otherwise embrace your lack of self-pressure and ambition and direct your own creativity and energy into enjoying the life you live outside of work.
posted by salvia at 9:54 AM on February 9

I know PhD students who have, without joking, come very close to killing themselves because they pushed themselves too hard. I know PhD students who have completely dropped out of their programs because they couldn't turn themselves off.

I'm just repeating what everyone else has said: TAKE A BREAK. I repeat it because it's important for you to understand, one, that you definitely should take a break, and two, that is is normal, okay, and good for you to need to do so.

You're human. Don't feel like you've broken yourself if you need to take some time off. It's just part of being a human being that you need to give yourself some down time.
posted by Ms. Saint at 9:57 AM on February 9

Everyone so far has mentioned the obvious. You are burnt out so you need to take some time off. Are you TA'ing? Then swap sections with another ta for a week or two and go somewhere nice. Are you on a research assistantship? Then talk to your boss and take some time off. Some additional advice:

First, this happens to all of us. My Phd advisor falls out of love with his big project every six or seven years. Then after a few months he would get totally excited and dive back in.

Second, most people's quals are either uneventful or drama filled. But either way, once it is done, you don't have to look back. Just get past that.

Now, you really must spend some time (alone) and think about work/life balance. No matter how much you love your science, it's insane to put that many hours in. I worked a lot right up to my quals (8 hours a day every day of the week) but then I did nothing for two months post quals (I traveled internationally for a while, and then around California for another month even though I came into work 2-3 days of the week). Even my boss (a distinguished professor) did not work that hard.

Ask yourself what makes you happy? spending time with your wife? Riding your bike? Kayaking? Whatever it is, make those a priority as well. By year 3 of my Phd, I made a deal with myself that I would only work 4 days of the week. It was the best decision I ever made. I had a lot more time to spend with friends, visit my family, and do all the things I loved. If anything, I was more productive in the time I spent at work because I was so happy.

Now go do something really nice for that wife of yours. She's a keeper.
posted by special-k at 10:20 AM on February 9

Call in to the forums at PhD Comics. There's a largeish international community of grad students in all sorts of fields at all stages of their studies. It's a great place to vent, rant about supervisors and ask this kind of question.
posted by metaBugs at 11:19 AM on February 9

My advice is not only to take a break, as in a vacation-type break, but also to *schedule in* regular breaks. Ever since passing my oral exam (chemistry grad here) I found that I cannot unwind very easily. It was always hard for me to turn off that part of my brain, but now it's harder than ever. So I have to force myself to "practice" relaxing, getting away from the lab, etc. After five months of this (passed in August '08) I am finally starting to fall back in love with my work. Not unrelated, I'm sure: my project is starting to work again--in fact now it's taking off swimmingly.
posted by rio at 11:36 AM on February 9

Your supervisor will probably be receptive to letting you take a month off -- or longer, if you want it. A long break like that will allow you to forget completely and recuperate. I've known lots of students who take a substantial break. They go home to India for a month, or take a year off to go backpacking around Australia.

Having something productive (and non-school related) to do during your time off will speed up the process -- helps you regain that feeling of accomplishment, and gets your mind working again on something new. Given that you're a brainy type, I recommend something more physical for a complete change.
posted by lizbunny at 3:46 PM on February 9