How can a geek find a date?

November 1, 2004 12:29 AM

How can a geek find a date? Particularly, I am interested in finding out from geeky women the best ways for a geeky (eg sf-fan, gamer, computery) man to find women of a similar temperment, and then the best way to approach them.

I'm asking because, though I'm female and attached to a lovely geek (really a nerd), I have had only the one serious relationship and I really have no sense of what to do more generally in terms of meeting people, but have a few friends who are looking (whom I would like to help).

posted by jb to human relations (10 comments total)

It doesn't refer specifically to geeks, but this previous askme thread may be useful.
posted by dobbs at 1:04 AM on November 1, 2004

Having met my husband on a Babylon 5 IRC channel, I figure the best way is to get involved in some sort of fandom and go from there.

Be careful about what aspects of fandom you jump into, however. While a lot of women will gladly take seriously someone involved in discussion, they might be a bit wary towards someone writing loads of hardcore femslash...
posted by Katemonkey at 1:23 AM on November 1, 2004

My geek and I found ourself working in the same office about five years ago. Apparently it was when he noticed me reading slashdot on my lunchbreak that he became smitten. We then went on a series of non-date dates with groups of friends and discovered a mutual love of euchre, Susan Cooper novels, and bad pop music. We were still socially-awkward geeks, though, so it took copious amounts of alcohol before we finally hooked up. We're getting married in three weeks.

I haven't answered the question. You know where I meet a lot of drool-worthy geeky guys these days? The knitting shop. Seriously, men. Swallow your pride, go to a class, and watch the women swoon. Besides, you know you've always wanted a Dr. Who scarf...
posted by web-goddess at 3:59 AM on November 1, 2004

My geek and I met playing an online game. Once the game was over, we kept talking, worked through a long distance relationship for 2 years, and now we live together. Neither of us went into the game looking to meet someone, it just kinda happened.
posted by MsVader at 6:00 AM on November 1, 2004

I'm a guy, but (duh!) geeks meet geeks online. Met mine through a dating site.

I know at least 3 or 4 other couples in real life who met on dating sites as well, ranging from nerve.com to jdate.com.
posted by callmejay at 8:14 AM on November 1, 2004

The best advice is to just get out there and do stuff you like. If you participate in it, the dates will come. If your nerd doesn't mind you and your geekette friends having a girl's night out to troll for new people next time a con rolls around, go for it! As girls in almost any aspect of fandom, you're the ones in charge.

As for locales to attempt, the sky's the limit. Online forums can be good, but you risk the wrath of John Gabriel's Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory. Look for clubs (fandom, gaming, whatever) in your area that you can join on a casual basis (LARPs can be good places to meet folks, depending on the game and the intended type). Or frequent events that you like anyways, like book signings of your favorite authors or screenings of movies you enjoy, and strike up a chat or two.

It gets harder when you want to date someone whith geek leanings but isn't 100% Pure Geek (the difference between someone who enjoys going to the RenFest once a year and someone who holds a major SCA title). Delving into fandom can bring up all sorts of people, some good, some stereotypes. It might be best to start with some casual geekery (book signings, movie nights, etc) than the more in-depth events.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:16 AM on November 1, 2004

Online dating worked pretty well for me. I can't guarantee that you will meet a certain type of person online, or that the quality of the average date is better, necessarily, but you can definitely increase the number of people you meet, and the number of dates you get by 10x if you just jump onto Match.com, Craigslist, or whatever else people are using these days. It's not that traumatic. You will have interesting conversations, no matter what. And the fact that it all takes place online is probably a 10%+ boost in the likelihood that the person you meet is going to be geeky.

Other than that, just go to any forum on the net and say you're looking to meet nice guys in such-and-such area code. I'm sure you will be flooded with single male geeks almost instantly.

For instance: have you already made your way through the list of MeFites in your area code?
posted by scarabic at 1:10 PM on November 1, 2004

Do you have a local comic or gaming store that's a hangout? Bound to be loads of geekboys there. Oh, and you can browse swag you like while you're at it. Definite plus.

Are you in a college town? Many colleges have niche clubs, anime, chess and whatnot, and often you don't have to sign up for anything, just show up for a posted event or two, see if you like the scene. Some libraries and bookstores have groups for Magic, board games, or book clubs -- check your local paper. SCA and LARP groups are good too, depending on your interests.

Conventions are excellent, especially smaller ones that tend to draw more of a local crowd and not so many out-of-staters.

All of your standard geek activities will bring you in contact with other geeks. Then you just say hi. Or throw in a comment on an overheard conversation if they look pretty friendly. See what happens.
posted by e^2 at 1:57 PM on November 1, 2004

Just to clarify and ask a little more (thank you to all who have answered):

Would you say that geek women in general differ from non-geek women in the way they like to be approached? How confident should a guy be? Be direct and ask out for coffee or a movie, or get to know them better first?

Personally, I like guys to talk about 18th century military history - you can see why I have to get more general responses.
posted by jb at 6:51 PM on November 1, 2004

I found my SO-to-be in the referer logs of my website. I checked out his website, said "hey this guy really knows how to write" and sometime later on dropped him an email & then we did the long-distance thing for a while and now live together. Having a web site means you can say nice things about a potential crush without overtly hitting on them. Online communities that are geographically based can be a good way to get a feel for other online geeks in your area before actually going out on a limb and meeting them. One of the good things about geek communities is that they have a tendency to socialize in groups which makes for lower-stress ways of meeting eachother. Beware of the geek social fallacies however when going this route. In answer to your more recent question, the particular band of female geeks that I know while being somewhat introverted are also fairly direct. Asking someone out for coffee or to a book signing or just to share a meal at a RenFair, Con or other geek gathering is a totally appropriate icebreaker without seeming like a big oogity-boogity DATE.
posted by jessamyn at 6:34 AM on November 2, 2004