Valentines for a not-quite couple

February 7, 2009 1:27 PM

What do i do for a girl i'm not quite dating on valentines day?

So to make a long story short, me and this girl are very interested in each other, but she's not quite ready to make it an "official" relationship. We spend a lot of time with each other, and she's slowly becoming more open about our relationship, letting me hold her hand, etc.

I'm completely satisfied with the way the relationship is going... but valentines day is coming up in a week, and i have no clue what i should do, if anything.

I was thinking perhaps getting her a single rose or something along those lines. Something that acknowledges that we aren't serious, but that we are still something. What does the hive think?

posted by oviedo to human relations (41 comments total)

Gah, please, no single roses unless you are under 20. Draw her a funny card and take her to dinner.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 1:41 PM on February 7 [6 favorites]

I like the rose idea. Whatever you get her, keep it small for now. Maybe something goofy but still significant between the two of you, an inside joke sortof thing. Framed picture maybe?
posted by pandemic at 1:41 PM on February 7

I'm also against the rose. Has she mentioned a book/movie/CD/restaurant/type of food/type of candy she's been wanting to read/watch/listen to/try? Remembering a detail like that is way more romantic than a thoughtless "all girls must like flowers right?" rose. I agree that something funny having to do with something about you guys is best.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 1:46 PM on February 7

I like the rose idea, too. Or maybe a box of Snoopy chocolates or something sort of silly and sweet like that. I am a grown woman, for what's that worth.
posted by Maisie Jay at 1:47 PM on February 7

Gah, please, no single roses unless you are under 20.

Oh please...everyone's different. What's nauseating for some is touching for others.

My usual suggestion in the circumstances is to ask the friends of the target of your affection what she likes / dislikes. And the best gifts are, in my opinion, guilty pleasures. I.e. things that one desires but can't afford or can't justify. E.g. if there's a piece of jewelry or clothing she likes but thinks is too expensive, get it for her. This is better than any generic gift, because it shows that you care and have made the effort to figure out what makes her tick.
posted by randomstriker at 1:49 PM on February 7 [1 favorite]

As you can see, opinions are divided on roses. Me, I've given two different girls a rose before, and they both loved it, so there you go.

How about a rose AND a funny card? That way, you say "I like you in a romantic way, and also, who likes to laugh???"
posted by ORthey at 1:50 PM on February 7

Bouquet of daisies...Doesn't signify "romance" like a rose, but... Daisies are very sweet, as well as moderately priced....not overdoing it cost-wise but bringing flowers says what you want to say. "I know you're a girl, I like you and you're daisy-sweet". And a blank card that you write something in, as pandemic says," something goofy but still significant between the two of you, an inside joke sort of thing."
posted by mumstheword at 1:54 PM on February 7 [2 favorites]

Give her a copy of a book you like. In this stage, it's still about "getting to know each other" and this can be useful and revealing.
posted by cranberrymonger at 2:02 PM on February 7 [2 favorites]

How about this?
posted by txvtchick at 2:08 PM on February 7

Everyone is different, but as for me, I'd avoid the rose idea only because it's so common. How about a gerber daisy? I gave a woman a gerb once on a date and it made her day.

Definitely go with something simple.

Cheers!
posted by 2oh1 at 2:09 PM on February 7 [1 favorite]

I'd go with a non-romantic flower. Daffodils, Tulips, Lilies.. all very sweet.
posted by Sufi at 2:19 PM on February 7

Re: roses, I'll tell you what I tell my creative writing students who use roses as romantic images in poems. Because roses are assumed to be romantic, there's something generic about them. If you know this girl really loves roses, or is very traditional generally, roses might work well.

But it will be much more romantic if her favorite flowers aren't roses, and you figure that out, and give her one of those. If she seems at all untraditional, daisies or lilies or orchids might be the way to go. I'm a big fan of potted flowers rather than cut flowers, as they'll last longer, but I used to work in a florist's shop so I might be kind of quirky about that.

But generally, giving anything that shows you've been paying attention is a great idea, even if it's just taking her to a restaurant you know she really likes. Since you're not official, I'd avoid anything that shows you've spent too much time thinking about it--a heart-felt mix CD might bomb as slightly creepy, but a store bought CD or book or something like that that you know she wants is a great idea.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 2:21 PM on February 7 [2 favorites]

just for further context, i am 19 and a college student, she's 20 and same year as i am.
posted by oviedo at 2:30 PM on February 7

She's not ready for a relationship yet; are you absolutely sure that giving her a gift on a relationship-based holiday won't make her run for the hills?

I'd suggest having a talk with her about Valentine's Day and if she wants to ignore it, let her. If she doesn't, at least you'll have a better idea of what you should do.
posted by David Fleming at 2:32 PM on February 7

Last time I was in this situation I didn't think we were at the presents buying stage, but didn't want to show up empty handed, just in case. I ended up buying one of those 'blank for your message' cards with a joke on the front and wrote Happy Valentines Day in it.

He showed up with a proper Valentine's Day card in which he'd written a jokey message about the weirdness of the whole situation and gave me... a single rose. FWIW, I thought the rose was pretty well judged. A nice gesture, but small and disposable enough that I didn't feel like shit for not having bought him a gift.

Then we went to a beer festival. Pretty good V-Day all told.
posted by the latin mouse at 2:35 PM on February 7

I was going to suggest a gerber daisy, but 2oh1 beat me to it.

If I were you, I'd go to a good flower shop and buy one stem of the niftiest flower they have. Think about cool tulips varieties, or brightly-colored lillies, or a funky allium blossom. It's a nice disposable present, but it's not as one-size-fits-all as a rose.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 2:50 PM on February 7

I'm a big fan of potted flowers rather than cut flowers, as they'll last longer, but I used to work in a florist's shop so I might be kind of quirky about that.

I've never worked in a florist shop, and I would definitely prefer a potted plant, so that's no quirk. You can get a potted mini rose.

I'd advise that you keep this simple and inexpensive, even if you can afford to spend a lot on her. Hopefully all will go well and later on you'll be able to make a big, splashy romantic gesture later on. Perhaps you might buy her a nice romantic movie (something that's to her taste) and attach a card inviting her over to your place to watch it, and perhaps also for dinner, which you will cook.
posted by orange swan at 2:58 PM on February 7 [1 favorite]

Flowers are pretty generic. I'm sure she'd think it's sweet, but honestly, it's kind of meh. The key to wooing women is to get her something that shows you've been paying attention to her. Girls like that. What have you learned about her in your time together? Not something totally obvious that everyone knows she's into but something she revealed to you in a moment of vulnerability. *Think*, kiddo.

Ps. just the fact that you are stressing about this and turned to AskMe is pretty sweet

Show her this thread
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 3:00 PM on February 7

Agreeing with PhoBWanKenobi, it strikes me that roses are generic and say nothing about what you've learned about her.

What does she groove on? Last Valentine's Day I received a box of Legos. Best. Valentines. Ever.

Nthing randomstriker: get her something she wouldn't buy for herself and something that speaks to what you've learned about her sensibilities. Don't be afraid to be playful.

Good luck!
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 3:07 PM on February 7

It may be that the best gift you can get her is "less pressure about the relationship."
posted by rhizome at 3:46 PM on February 7 [1 favorite]

I second cranberrymonger on the book idea. Either a book you've talked about or one you have particularly liked personally. A tastefully done mix CD would be good too if you have similar taste in music.
posted by kinakomochi at 3:54 PM on February 7

Oh gawwwsh. They're 19 and 20. The single rose idea is a good one but if you can get a three or four of an unusual flower ... that might be more original. Run over to the florist and ask for some recommendations. I like the hybrid tulips in vibrant colors myself.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 4:00 PM on February 7

A flower is always nice - I doubt she'd be upset to get it, or anything. But I'll throw in with the chorus of people suggesting you try to think of something specific to her, that you know she likes or wants. (Or at the very least, a flower she'll like, which isn't necessarily a rose.)

My partner of nearly 10 years and I met in late January, and were still dancing around the "are we dating or aren't we" issue on Valentine's Day. We'd been making jokes a week or so earlier about the cheesiness of Valentine's Day, and how much cooler cupids would be if they had crossbows and were generally more bad-ass. So he gave me a Nerf crossbow for Valentine's Day. Which would probably have been a bad idea for a lot of people, but for me was absolutely perfect and showed me he'd been paying attention to our conversations. I took that damn crossbow with me for several house moves long after my cats had eaten the Nerf quarrels, just because it was so meaningful to me.
posted by Stacey at 4:08 PM on February 7

and i have no clue what i should do, if anything

Talk to her about it. A simple "Hey, should we do something special for Valentines day?"
If she says yes, then ask what she'd like. If she says no, then so be it.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:30 PM on February 7 [2 favorites]

Get a single stargazer lily. They are dramatic, smell nice, and thanks to Teleflora and FTD, every freaking florist in town will have them in stock.

But don't wait till the 14th to get it. Trust me, I work for a florist.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:13 PM on February 7

I think a flower--a rose or something else--is a delightful idea, and here's why: you give a cut flower or bouquet and it's a special gesture, but there's a necessarily limited time to enjoy it. It's not "here is a symbol of our enduring love, let us ponder it..." but rather "today is special, you are special, here's a flower." I don't love roses, and I would definitely recommend choosing something unusual if you're going the single flower route. At the same time, though, if someone gave me a rose I'd never be like "ew, a rose? really? you fail." A flower is a lovely gesture, whatever type you get, but it's not a high-pressure thing like jewelry or something else more permanent. It is delicate and beautiful and out of the ordinary*, it makes the you feel special, and then it withers and you throw it out.


*Of course, I suppose if this girl has hoards of men sending her flowers on a weekly basis, you should find another gift.
posted by Meg_Murry at 5:19 PM on February 7

Just want to say, IMO, don't get a potted mini-rose. They're really hard to take care of and it's really sad when the potted rose a significant other bought for you dies because you can't give it the care it needs (happened to me last year; I still feel guilty). Roses do much better outside than indoors. There's plenty of other small, cheap, easy to care for and pretty potted plants.

Anyway, I think a single rose is fine. My best friend doesn't like receiving flowers much and she was still all "Aww! How sweet!" when she got a rose from her new boyfriend when we were freshmen. Some other type of flower is also good or better, just not a whole bouquet. Chocolates are also nice and simple (you could even do a single chocolate rose! But that might really be too cheesy).

I feel like the book idea is something you do for a birthday or Christmas or as a random nice thing to do, but not for Valentine's Day with someone you're not quite dating, unless you're both just really avid readers and this has been established.

Actually, re-reading your question again, I guess a book would be fine (if you like the idea) as you guys do already know each other fairly well (I'm assuming) and are taking it slowly. But do pair it with something "traditional" to cover your bases. Fwiw, I have received a book on Valentine's Day and I was very happy, but it was from my boyfriend of nearly a year, and I got a lovely card too.
posted by quirks at 5:22 PM on February 7

This seems like a lot of agonising over something so simple, she will be flattered by the effort.
posted by mattoxic at 5:27 PM on February 7

Personally, I prefer funny-quirky to sweet-romantic, especially for situations like these. I like odd presents such as:

A pineapple,
A pound of bacon,
A pine cone with a face on it (to make it into a little porcupinecone),
A single giant rice-krispies square in a shape that references one of your inside jokes (for instance, if you have a joke that would translate into a rice-krispies square in the shape of China, or a daschund, or a silhouette of Barack Obama's head, or something else weird that she'll "get" right away and laugh at).

Some more "normal" ideas, but still not too serious:
a single slice of her favourite dessert, brought over in a box from her favourite restaurant,
an original song (goofy, and referencing your inside jokes, not sappy or "crushy") sung to her with badly-played guitar,
a little drawing of something you have a joke about, made into a card. It's ok if you can't really draw, it will still be cute if it clearly references an inside joke.

Try to reference an inside joke you have or one of her interests: the best presents are things that would suit HER, not just any girl.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 5:45 PM on February 7 [11 favorites]

I vote no on the single rose, or any single flower. What does she do with it after you hand it to her? Carry it around all night? Leave it on the car seat? It's awkward.

Since she's the one holding back a little on the relationship, I'd go very easy on doing anything too symbolic for Valentine's Day. You don't want to scare her off.

Ask her if she wants to go get ice cream to celebrate, or something easy and silly like that. Or buy a little box of those candy hearts and write your own messages on them. Keep it light and I hope you have a great time with your girl.
posted by Kangaroo at 5:50 PM on February 7

A single rose is, to me, just about the creepiest thing a guy can give. The potted plant is also a little too weird, unless she's really into houseplants. Just take her out somewhere nicer than usual but not that formal (make a reservation just in case), go for a walk around a park if you live somewhere warm, and tell her you 1. enjoy spending time with her, 2. think she's smart and 3. looks especially great. No flowers. Save the gerber daisy bouquet for after you're officially dating, and give it to her if you find out she's having one of those awful days when nothing goes right. In my opinion, that's when women really appreciate flowers.
posted by belau at 6:40 PM on February 7 [1 favorite]

My girl wants a single red rose. Not a dozen. Not two dozen. Not white. Not pink. Not yellow. Red roses, delivered one at a time. I don't get it, but that's what I'll buy her.

My point again is this: figure out what SHE wants, and do it.
posted by randomstriker at 7:23 PM on February 7

I agree with belau that a single rose seems a little creepy or awkward, especially when given by someone who doesn't know you well. In a situation such as this, I think a very small box of nice chocolates (say, four or six pieces) and a semi-funny or cute card would be just right - that is, if you can't think of something small but personal. Maybe a CD with a few specially chosen songs (or however you kids do that these days - a playlist that you email?) wouldn't seem like too much. The perfect book is always a nice gesture, too.
posted by katie at 7:40 PM on February 7

I'm not sure where I am on the rose issue, but I wanted to share a card possibility that sounds perfect for this kind of situation. I saw it years ago, and they probably don't make it any more, but:

On the outside was a line drawing of a couple sitting together on a sofa, holding hands and looking sweetly into each other's eyes. Underneath them was written, "If you won't be my Valentine..." and on the inside, it read, "...then, can we be friends who just have sex a lot?"

I was only sixteen when I saw that, and occasionally since then I wish I'd gotten a couple copies of it, because there've been times it actually could have come in very, very handy.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:49 PM on February 7 [1 favorite]

Draw her a picture of herself, but in the most awkward fashion imaginable, but so it still pretty much looks like her. When you give it to her, tell her how many hours you spent on the shading, and tell her "there's plenty more where this came from".

Then give her a copy of Napoleon Dynamite, and invite her to play tetherball with you. Or to go for a ride in your friends' cousin's lowrider.

Or, you know, the single rose thing is cool, too..
posted by motown missile at 11:10 PM on February 7

How about a gerber daisy and tickets to a good movie? And a good mix cd.
posted by cachondeo45 at 7:00 AM on February 8

Hand pick local flowers if you can, small ones that could be tied in a bunch and left to dry. Goofy 'I love You' heart candies. Got to the store and find children's V-day cards and pick one of dozens that say "Be My Valentine". A little effort to show you thought about it a bit, and something goofy.
posted by zengargoyle at 7:06 AM on February 8

I like the idea of something non-romantic that is suited to her particular tastes. When my ex and I were first dating/talking/whatever he came by and brought me a recycling bin and his old SNES. Recently I had mentioned both that I didn't have a bin for recycling but wanted to start being more environmentally concscious, and also my love for old video games. It was so much more touching than flowers.

But if you want to get flowers, go with something other than roses. Gerber Daisies which were mentioned above are a good call.
posted by radioamy at 4:24 PM on February 8

Do a search for hot house rose hobbyists in your area. Contact one. Explain to them you would like to give one EXCEPTIONAL red rose in full bloom to your friend for Valentine's Day. See what transpires. Don't give up 'til you find one. Close the deal with earnest and youthful enthusiasm. Bear in mind hot house roses i.e. 'real' roses don't last as long as commercial roses but the 'bang for your buck' will truly impress you. The hobbyist will probably give you the rose for being so original. Do a flickr search for' red rose' to see how impressive a red rose can be. Man, I shouldn't be giving this stuff away for free but us old dogs gotta help you young bucks sometimes. Good luck!
posted by Muirwylde at 6:33 PM on February 8

By the way it's GERBERA daisies not Gerber daisies. (But we do pronounce them gerber so it's all good.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:35 AM on February 9

Do what you really want to do for her. If you really like her, forget the rules and games. Just go for it.... Within reason.
posted by sav at 2:46 PM on February 12