Good sex, good friendship but no love, why?

February 7, 2009 1:03 PM

Relationship Filter: I am dating someone that I love as a person, love as a friend, and I am extremely sexually attracted to her....however for some reason or another I cant seem to develop "romantic" feelings for her...Should I let this thing go?

(Apologies for the long post which I made anonymous because sometimes she logs on to this website)

We've been dating for about 8 months now. At the beginning of our relationship it was casual and very open and exclusively of the physical type (I had just gotten out of another relationship and did not want anything serious).....As the relationship progressed things have become a little bit more complicated....About 2 months ago she told me that she wanted me to stop seeing other people and I agreed mainly cause, well I really was not seeing anyone in the first place and sexually she's kept me very satisfied (and to me this is a big part of the reason we are together).....We are now dating exclusively...and not seeing/sleeping with someone else. Valentines day is quickly approaching and in the last few months I've seen the following two developments:

1) Her biological clock is ticking and going crazy, the only thing she talks about is kids, marriage, and almost everytime I see her makes a complaint about remaining "single" for the rest of her life (I should mention now that she is only 24 years old).

2) I've found out that I genuinely like her, aside from the talks of marriage and kids, she gets me on a deeper level than most people do, we've become best friends, and the sex is amazing and this is very important for me as i havent been able to have this level of intimacy with anybody else. .....However everytime i think about going steady with her, or making our relationship official i find myself unable to do it.......It is as if something within me doesnt let me do it.

It seems as if I am lacking some sort of attraction towards her...I told her from the beginning about this issue and the plan was to give it a try and just see what happens since we were very compatible in everything else and the basic sexual attraction was there.

I should mention that physically I believe she is very pretty but not exactly my "type" (I mean this in the way that I could tell Angelina jolie and Pam anderson are hot but they dont do it for me). This is probably part of the issue but I have been known to fall for people only based in their personality in the past regardless of their looks and was hoping for the same here...I also want to think of myself as not shallow so I was hoping this not an issue.

I also thought that I still had feelings for the ex but I know that in the time we've been dating I met at least one girl that I definitely would not have had second thoughts of being with (well more like I had a crush on her), but didnt pursue her because I wanted to see what happened with the current person I am dating.

Finally and maybe more telling I should mention that I have dated this person before (about 5 years ago) when were both in high school and that time around I did feel as if i was in love with her and we had a very passionate relationship. Somehow I am unable to replicate the feeling now.

Everytime I hear this question is something along the likes of "Oh I am not attracted to my husband/wife gf/bf and cant have sex with him/her" but in my case the sex is the amazing part of the relationship, and the friendship is better.....so I am not sure exactly what is wrong with me? It has been 8 months and i am not sure that giving it more time would make this better for the both of us....I am beginning to think that something is wrong with "me" as I really want to like her and commit to her but cannot.

posted by anonymous to human relations (29 comments total)

I would be worried, not so much by any of the things you say, but by the fact that you are trying very hard to rationalize the benefits of this relationship which usually means you are emotionally uncomfortable with it at one level or another. However, I'm not exactly clear why you can't just give this a bit more time...you have only been together exclusively for two months.
posted by dyslexictraveler at 1:13 PM on February 7 [1 favorite]

You're not ready yet. Be who you are. And what dyslexictraveler said.

By "amazing" do you mean "good" or "really exciting"? Or is it something else you find amazing, such as extraterrestrial, or perverse? I need to know.
posted by JimN2TAW at 1:20 PM on February 7

Have you ever considered that there are rational alternatives to monogamy and "commitment"? You seem to be confusing these things for "love", which has been bottle and spoon-fed to you by socio-cultural conditioning.

Unfettered commitment to a single partner does not equate to "love".
posted by tybeet at 1:23 PM on February 7 [2 favorites]

Pretend for a minute that you are not actually "going steady." You have not signed a commitment pact, and you don't plan to get married.

Do you miss her when she's not around?
Do you look forward (like crazy?) to hanging out with her?
Do you still look forward to the awesome sex you're going to be having in six months?
Are you happy?

If the answer is yes, then I wouldn't worry about it.
If the answer is no, then you've got a different set of problems on your hand.

But for god's sake, tell her to stop talking about marriage. You've only been dating for eight months! You may eventually decide you want to get married -- or she may decide that she doesn't want to -- but don't let it ruin a good thing this early on.
posted by puckish at 1:43 PM on February 7 [2 favorites]

Let her go. She told you what she wants. You don't want the same things. Don't take up her valuable time.
posted by Maisie Jay at 1:49 PM on February 7 [3 favorites]

Seems to me that this is a common way for men to feel when a relationship starts the way yours did. I have been in her shoes before, and I know tons of my friends who also have been in the same situation, both guys and girls. Usually the way it goes down is that the guy continues being emotionally distant and unable to be completely into it until the girl decides she's had enough, and once this happens the guy all of a sudden realizes how wonderful she was and what a perfect match they were and why oh why did he not notice this before, at which point he may or may not be able to win her back.

You have good sex, you love her personality, you get along great. Chill out.

Just saying.
posted by shamble at 1:54 PM on February 7 [3 favorites]

My reaction is that it's not really there for you and won't ever really be there for you. Reading between the lines, what is working for you now is that she has decided you're it, and the devotion she is presently showing to you is flattering your ego. I say this because I've been there - eyes light up when she sees you, etc. etc. This will very easily all end in tears.

The over the top dramatic lines about being single for the rest of her life (at 24!) and constant talk about marriage and children has obviously got you concerned and quite rightly. Quite rightly because you do not appear to be ready for this. If that is the case your wants and needs are incompatible. As a test I would suggest talking to her about what a great friend she is. She will likely be non-plussed. She doesn't see you as a friend, she sees you as a mate. Big difference.
posted by Sitegeist at 2:04 PM on February 7 [1 favorite]

Good thing you made this anonymous, she'll never be able to crack that code. Listen: maybe you have some sort of mental block about her that you will or will not be able to get around (for example, having dated/been in love previously and having launched this phase as a friends-with-benefits type of deal, maybe the whole initial flurry of emotion/butterflies in the stomach phase wasn't going to happen twice and you're the kind of person with a real problem giving that up, or maybe having been in love once and having it end you are having trouble feeling some sort of fundamental faith in the relationship).

Or maybe the whole package just isn't there for you, with her, now, for who knows what reason. As an old, wise, cynical bastard I can tell you that great sex is entirely possible in a relationship with no future. As to why, you know, who understands what the heat wants. Most people who spent a decade or two in the dating pool have some relationships that looked just right on paper but didn't work out.

Whatever the case, it is obvious what she wants, and she is communicating it in no uncertain terms. If you string her along indefinitely, basically because of the sex life, you are a cad and no friend to her. But you've been exclusive for 2 months and dating well under a year. Under the circumstances it's a bit ambiguous but the Valentines break up is in my experience not very nice. I think you could give it some more time, but probably not much more than a year all told.
posted by nanojath at 2:06 PM on February 7 [2 favorites]

Who understands what the heart wants, that is...
posted by nanojath at 2:07 PM on February 7

Sounds like you're simply not ready to commit to her. Fun, fun - but you're getting cold feet because maybe you know you're too young and too immature to take on the responsibility of a family and all that entails so you're using this *romantic* cop out as an excuse. Maybe you need to get straight on where your priorities are are and have a real heart to heart with this girl about what you want and what you don't want. Please don't string her along if you're not able or capable of meeting her needs.
posted by watercarrier at 2:13 PM on February 7

She wants kids. Do you want kids? ...with her maybe?

If not, everything else is irrelevant. On the other hand, if you do, then all is well! Enjoy a happy life. With her, I mean.
posted by 2oh1 at 2:16 PM on February 7

everytime i think about going steady with her, or making our relationship official i find myself unable to do it.......It is as if something within me doesnt let me do it..

Stop bs'ing yourself. You don't do it because you don't want to make your relationship official.

That's totally and completely okay. You don't need to make excuses. Either she's not doin' for you or you aren't ready. Either way, it's fine. There's no need to apologize.

There is a need to tell her the deal. You've known her for nearly a decade and have dated exclusively for 8 month. You take her to dinner and say you don't see this relationship evolving toward marriage which is what she wants. If she wants to end it, you're okay with that. Do this after Valentine's Day, because there's no need to be a jerk.
posted by 26.2 at 2:19 PM on February 7

I agree with shamble.
posted by singingfish at 2:29 PM on February 7

Well, you said it yourself - you don't find her attractive, or not attractive enough (which is a separate question from whether or not you have good sex with her). No matter how much you tell yourself that you don't want to be shallow, you won't be able to will yourself to just suddenly find her attractive. It may happen naturally on its own over time, or it may not. So, you should ask yourself whether that's a deal breaker for you, as far as long-term commitment goes. If yes, then let her go. (In this vein you might also want to perform the following thought experiment. Say you end up marrying someone whom you find extremely attractive, and that ten years down the road she becomes less so, in your eyes. Would you want to divorce her at that point?)
posted by epimorph at 2:30 PM on February 7

If someone I'd been dating for less than a year talked constantly about marriage and babies, and I wasn't in the same place, I would want to sit down and talk about our expectations for the relationship.

Really, all of this about the sex and her looks and the friendship and whatever is the lesser issue. The greater issue is that she seems to be in one place, mentally, and you're in another. This may be an illusion - she may be talking this way because she thinks she has to, because it's what girls are told they're supposed to want - but you two need to get on the same page.

Sit down (yes, probably after Valentine's Day, because who needs that drama) and say "Look, you've been mentioning kids and marriage a lot. When do you see yourself wanting those things? Where are you seeing us going? Because I feel x way about kids and y way about marriage. What do you think of that?"

Don't worry about the rest of it for the moment - get the bigger issues out of the shadows now, because I bet they're coloring your perceptions of everything else.
posted by restless_nomad at 2:39 PM on February 7 [1 favorite]

The kids thing is a bit of a red flag. My ex was exactly the same way in that regard (and was the same age at the time she was flipping out about having kids). She felt it would make her complete as a human being and was basically the final stop on the journey to being an adult. You ever get that feeling when you really really really want something expensive, and then after weeks or months of dithering over the cost vs how great having it will be and it will make life so much better for you, you decide to get it. And when you get it, it's good, maybe great, but it doesn't really fulfill all of the stuff you built up in your mind about how great it would be?

That's kind of what happened with my ex. Having our child was great, and a wonderful addition to both of our lives, but it wasn't the final piece of the puzzle that snaps into place to make life, the universe and everything a unified whole, with permanent contentment.

IMHO, 24 is way too early to be sounding alarm bells about the biological clock, and her obsession over it can only be satisfied one way. And you might not be wanting to go down that path just yet.
posted by barc0001 at 3:21 PM on February 7 [1 favorite]

The sexism in shamble's answer is glaring. There are plenty of men who have wanted more of a relationship with their partners that was not reciprocated. At the end of the day, you two seem to want different things, so take a step back and appraise the relationship in that light. You two need to sit down and figure out if her actions and your reactions are worth breaking up over. You don't seem to be all that into it, though. Also, people change in 5 years.
posted by rhizome at 3:32 PM on February 7

24 isn't too early if you have always wanted to be a mother.
posted by Maisie Jay at 3:36 PM on February 7 [2 favorites]

I you like her but don't love her, and she loves you, she's going to be in a world of hurt unless you come clean soon and tell her what you really feel. Women can often mistake passionate sex for passionate love, especially when they're already feeling the romance.
posted by np312 at 4:51 PM on February 7 [1 favorite]

"I" = "If"
posted by np312 at 4:51 PM on February 7

She's mid-twenties, pretty common to start feeling like you have to get on with your life NOW. Mention that she talks about kids/marriage a lot and is it on her mind that much- it's possible she doesn't realize how much she's talking about it.

IMHO: The romantic love you have in high school is never going to happen again; you're loving her with all of your adolescent heart with nothing to complicate it, and chances are you haven't done as much self reflection as you have years later, so things seem much clearer. Avoid using that experience as your measuring stick for romantic love.

That said, give it another month or so since you two have only been exclusive two months. Get some breathing room by asking her to table the kids etc talk for a month and see if that helps you clarify your feelings either way. Maybe explain that you've listened to her thoughts on it but just for the time being you want to focus on the 'us'. Tell her that you want to live life in the present with her for awhile, instead of living your life in the future.

Whatever happens, be as honest as possible with her for why; it might be more painful at the time, but what makes relationships meaningful is what you take away or learn from then.
posted by variella at 5:07 PM on February 7 [2 favorites]

I think one of two things is going on here. Either she just isn't the one for you and you should let her go because obviously she is looking for the ring, the wedding and kids or there is some sort of madonna/whore thing going on. Only you can really look inside and decide which one it is. Or hey it could be both. Sometimes a relationship is in fact less than the sum of it parts and a great friendship and sex don't add up to true love.
posted by whoaali at 5:15 PM on February 7 [1 favorite]

Her biological clock is ticking and going crazy, the only thing she talks about is kids, marriage, and almost everytime I see her makes a complaint about remaining "single" for the rest of her life (I should mention now that she is only 24 years old).

It matters to her to get married and have kids soon. Don't try to minimize that just because you (and many other people) feel differently.

You don't have to change your priorities or agree to anything you don't want--and in fact, that's the last thing you should do. But at the same time, if she has a very clear picture of her priorities and goals, respect that and talk to her about them. I know you've only been exclusive for two months, but given that she initiated that after six, she may have a timeline in mind that you're unaware of: she may think six months casual dating leads to six months exclusive dating leads to engagement leads to wedding leads to babies. You don't have to agree to that plan, but it's not fair to her to let her think things are going somewhere specific when you're not on board.
posted by Meg_Murry at 5:37 PM on February 7 [1 favorite]

As an old, wise, cynical bastard I can tell you that great sex is entirely possible in a relationship with no future.

Absolutely true. Out of all my past relationships, the one with the most mind-blowingly fantastic sex was also the one where she was a complete headcase and walking disaster. Never let sex blind you and lead you to constant rationalizations; if you'd consider it sane to give this relationship the boot were the sex just "okay", it's time to walk.
posted by korpios at 7:32 PM on February 7

This talk -- all the time, constantly -- about babies and getting married REALLY jumped out at me. This isn't just random chatter, she's telling you she wants to marry and have children and she wants to do so NOW. Unless I miss my guess, that is also the missing piece in your relationship with her -- she can only see this relationship going into marriage and babies, you're interested in seeing where the relationship might go over time.

Be careful. Really careful. You can easily get roped into something which you do not want at this time, something you might want later but you don't now. She clearly does want it now, she's not pulling any punches, she's laying it out in black and white: Marriage! Babies! Now!

I say you can get roped into it because these things can move along faster than you can imagine, let your guard down for fourteen minutes and you're walking down the aisle and buying a house you may not want and fixing up a room for a nursery you don't want either and now here's your children and they surely are wonderful but how about that trip you wanted to take to South America or South Houston or wherever, forget about it, you're now going to learn about insurance annuities and god only knows what, you're pushing a lawn mower around a yard you don't want.

Last, but not least and related to all of the above: I can't help but wonder if you're a sperm donor. If she was dating Melvin or Marvin would she be jumping up and down and saying the same things about babies and marriage et all. And I'd bet that you're wondering that same thing, consciously or not.

Walk slow.

Good luck.

Peace.

oh, and that whole 'sex is the most amazing thing' -- all you need do is read some of the entries voted 'Best Of' on Craigslist to see how fast that well can dry up once babies show up on the scene....
posted by dancestoblue at 9:06 PM on February 7 [1 favorite]

I don't think anything is "wrong" with you.

variella and Meg_Murry have given some excellent advice as far as what you might do going forward.

What jumps out to me here in this story is that you clearly do have a mental/intellectual/emotional connection with this girl. You say you aren't "in love" with her... and yet you "love her as a friend, love her as a person," you do have a strong connection with her and plenty of history.

What you don't feel an interest in is the commitment, if I'm hearing you right. And yet... you do like being with this girl -- enough that you were willing to go exclusive (even if with reservation).

To me, the easiest way to figure out if one has a romantic interest in someone is this marker: "How would I feel if he/she cheated on me? Would I feel jealous? Or slightly relieved?" If it's the former, then down inside there is that feeling, no matter how buried, that could evolve into the romantic love that you seem to be missing at the present. If the answer is the latter, then you should assume that you won't develop that spark, and for her sake you should probably cut her loose.

But, it's not always so black and white.

Take a look at and have a think about a concept called Sternberg's Triangle. It's a theory developed by a psychologist called Robert Sternberg, and the premise is that relationships have up to three main components -- intimacy (i.e. friendship, connection, care for the other person), passion (i.e. the heat: the sex, romance), and commitment (the desire to stay together and make long-term plans with the other person). There are seven permutations of these three factors.

It sounds like you and your girl have the intimacy + passion, without the commitment. Two out of three ain't bad. Are all three ("Consummate Love") the ideal goal? Yep, for most people, it's the ideal... but it's not the reality, by any means. Hundreds of thousands of successful relationships function on just 2 out of 3.

But, if your girl insists on pursuing the full meal deal at a time when you're content with less, you'll need to do the right thing and be honest with her.
posted by pineapple at 9:31 PM on February 7 [7 favorites]

(great link pineapple, Sternberg's Triangle -- good stuff)
posted by dancestoblue at 10:13 PM on February 7

See... to me, this question seems superfluous. You've said quite plainly that you don't feel romantic about her, and that you really want to commit to her but cannot. The title of the question at the top of this page specifies "but no love".

You seem to know exactly how you feel. Unless you're the sort of person who never really knows what they want (you want it when you can't have it; when you have it, you don't want it; when you get what you want, you immediately see another thing that would have been the better choice, etc.), I don't understand why you are asking about this. Apparently, she's your wonderful, hot friend whom you really, really like a lot.

If the question is really Why you don't love her, nobody can answer that. Love isn't tidy; it doesn't necessarily present itself in the most convenient or reasonable fashion. If it did, people could just match up their spreadsheets and find their awesome partners for life. I sort of strongly disagree with suggestions that eight months is too short of a time to be sure about how you feel (again, with the caveat that you aren't chronically confused about your own feelings), if what you feel is a lack of romantic tingle. It might be too short for one to be sure that what they really feel is love instead of infatuation, but if your feeling after eight months is strong friendship instead of romantic love, then that's what it is.
posted by taz at 11:16 PM on February 7 [1 favorite]

I believe that given your clarity, self-preceptiveness and seeming emotional maturity, you know what's really going on here. You've experienced true romantic love in the past, as you mention, and this is not thrilling your soul in the same way. The reason is probably one that you can't fully comprehend on a rational level, because it probably has more to do with spiritual forces beyond your control. Deep down, past where we really can't see it, we all know what love feels like and we spend our whole lives looking.
posted by sadgreeneyes at 6:27 PM on February 24