What to do when estranged from parents.

February 7, 2009 7:16 AM

I have been estranged from my parents for about 13 years. I am considering attempting to re-connect with them. Does anyone have any experience with this?

I moved out of my house at 17, and haven't spoken to mother since. My father and I have been in occasional contact, but not in the past few years. My mother was emotionally abusive and controlling. My father was mostly not around. My mother, has a pattern of holding grudges and not speaking to people, she has not spoken to her own mother for about 25 years. Over the years, I made efforts to reach out to them, my dad was somewhat receptive, my mom was not.

I feel that this is a large area of my life that has no closure. I don't necessarily expect to have any kind of great relationship with them, but think it would be good to have some kind of resolution, at least so we are on speaking terms.

I am seeing a therapist, but I am wondering if people have specific experiences with this and could offer advice.

posted by E-Boogie to human relations (11 comments total)

Personality disorders are pervasive and life long; if your mother hasn't sought help in the intervening years (and worked on herself intensely), don't expect much, and be prepared for her to pick up right where she left off, where the abuse is concerned.


Sorry.


There may be more hope for your dad, as long as you keep your expectations less than, "fatherly" or even "familial."
posted by availablelight at 8:30 AM on February 7

One of my late grandmothers was like this. She cut off all her siblings for what were apparently the pettiest reasons, including her own twin sister, whose funeral she wouldn't attend. What happened in the end was that she died. All the people I had only ever heard of flew in to attend the funeral, and they were gracious and friendly to everyone. Only then could I really see how sad a waste it had been.

Your mother, like her, is acting out a drama to which only she has the script. I am sorry, but the best you can do is work around her. Try to tunnel through to your father.
posted by Countess Elena at 8:38 AM on February 7 [1 favorite]

Also-- the closure you may get is, "I was absolutely right to cut off all contact for the sake of my own health."

(None of this is to say you won't be able to negotiate--with boundaries--some sort of lasting contact with either or both parents.)
posted by availablelight at 8:41 AM on February 7

The most important question when considering reconciliation with difficult relatives is whether the action will heal or hurt you. And you cannot know with certainty unless you make an attempt.

What's very disheartening is that, unless estranged family members have undertaken therapy and deep reflection about their past behaviors, reuniting is like stepping back in time to reenact old, hurtful scripts.

I am estranged from three family members who are ultra-rightwing Christian Bush supporters. They view me, my views, my acquaintances, my profession, and lifestyle choices as "a renunciation of our Christian ways." They are angry and intolerant of all who don't share their views. And one family member has a history of violent outbursts.

I twice revisited these relatives, after pleas from them to reconnect: once, 15 years ago; once, four years ago. I now view those reunions like disastrous, unnecessary returns to the scene of a particularly gruesome car crash. Nothing had changed. There were no open hearts, just closed minds and endless proselytizing in shrill voices.

I do hope your reunion goes well. It can if your parents are motivated to treat you with kindess and respect, and to appreciate the person you are. If so, a relationship is possible.
posted by terranova at 8:43 AM on February 7

I go into this fully expecting my parents to be the same. The goal, for me, is to figure out how to have some peace within myself about the situation.

Along those lines, what are realistic hopes for a relationship? To talk on holidays and send cards? I have no idea. I know that I need to keep my expectations very low.
posted by E-Boogie at 8:52 AM on February 7

I too left home at 17 in a "Getting out of Dodge" mindset, Bizarre Love Triangle thing going on and Fundamentalist Religion thing going on. I eventually threatened to hit her once with a piece of firewood.

I came back once to meetup with an old friend, mom and step-dad now made her sleep in a chair. Hated the both of them again.

Fast Forward, I cut off pretty much all contact with them. Ended up with a Missing Persons report on me and Police investigating the last place I stayed.

Fast Forward, 5 or 6 years ago I started going back to see my sisters and my new nephews and niece. I don't know if was medication, menopause, just getting older, or having grandchildren or what. Mom ended up telling step-dad to f*ck off and her kids could do anything they like. (He took the dog and went to the cabin for a few days).

Fast Forward, today... I've set them up with gmail and we (both mom and step-dad) gchat every few days or so depending on timing (I'm on the opposite US coast and keep odd hours so it's hit or miss). I get pictures of kids. I go home once a year around a holiday that everybody comes home for. Step-dad goes through old family house to find things from my childhood and keep them safe for me, also he takes care of my gun. Mom has told me I have a place to stay for as long as I like whenever I like.

So YMMV, but if things have sorta evened out a bit, or age has kicked in or whatever... It can work out. And that's my estrangement story. It's been 22 years.
posted by zengargoyle at 10:31 AM on February 7

Firstly, do you know if your mother has been diagnosed with any mental or mood disorder?

I go into this fully expecting my parents to be the same. The goal, for me, is to figure out how to have some peace within myself about the situation.

Do you really need to have a relationship with them (of any kind, even just the speaking kind) to feel at peace about the situation? Given your mother's abusiveness and your father's disinterest, I think you will find yourself disappointed and dealing with anything but peace. When dealing with individuals who have violent, negative, etc. habits and/or mental issues, even being on speaking terms can be stressful. Are you at a time and place in your life, with a good support group of friends or professionals, where you can deal with the extra stress? Is it worth it?

You said you're seeing a therapist. What type of therapist (e.g., behavioral, Jungian, etc.)? You may find that certain therapists will be better at helping you deal with this than others. I think that's something to consider, if you haven't already.

I will say that I'd be skeptical if anyone's recommending you try to reconnect with someone who's been abusive and unresponsive to you. It's not that you can't or shouldn't, really; that's up to you. It's just that you probably aren't going to get a lot out of it--and may, in fact, lose something from it--and therefore should probably find other, more productive ways to deal with your feelings and resolve this part of your life.

Considering these are your parents, and they don't respond in a way that is appropriate, it's going to be hurtful, no matter how much you tell yourself it's "okay" or prep yourself for the worst. It's still going to hurt if they don't respond or if your mother is abusive. Since they haven't helped themselves, this is the likely scenario, and it's not one you can get something good from.

So what are your other options for dealing with this? I think you could maybe connect in some sort of group therapy with others like yourself--make a sort of network of people who really understand what you've been through.

I think this is what a lot of us want when we have lived with someone with issues like these. We want someone to validate us, our experience. Oftentimes, we want that to come from the person that caused the problems, but if they've got issues of their own still, that's not going to happen. The next best thing is to deal with it by finding people who truly understand the situation, people like therapists and individuals who have actually experienced the same or similar events.

I know my answer is a bit different from the rest, but I'm not really a firm believer in keeping ties with blood relatives if they aren't people you'd want to keep ties with, otherwise. It's just blood. You may get your genetic material from there, but that may be all you get. There are other people in your life that you can and will meet who will fill certain parental (and other) voids. In my experience, this is often more rewarding and consistent than trying to squeeze something out of a person(s) that doesn't want to change or give anything.

Good luck with this, and, come what may, think of yourself first. Don't get roped into anything abusive.
posted by metalheart at 11:42 AM on February 7 [5 favorites]

My mother hasn't been diagnosed with anything, because she has refused to go to any sort of therapy. When I was 16, child services was called to my house as a result of a physical fight. We went to family counseling, and she basically refused to talk.

I could guess that my mom was severely depressed and also OCD. Aside from that, I don't really know but there probably was more.

The counselor has not even suggested this, and this is something I am sure I will talk more with her about. I have started to feel, that given my family history of grudge holding and cutting people off, that what is best for me, is to at least try to make a limited effort so that I can feel at peace with the situation.

Metalheart, I agree with a lot of you what you said. I guess, I don't think I'll ever really like my parents, but I do want to have a sense of resolution, whatever that may be, and also not have one of my parents die and wish that I had done something.

I think the real challenge for me will be expecting very limited results, and being able to cope with that.
posted by E-Boogie at 1:26 PM on February 7

I go into this fully expecting my parents to be the same. The goal, for me, is to figure out how to have some peace within myself about the situation.

It sounds like you have your head screwed on right about doing this; good for you for understanding what you might - and might not - accomplish, and choosing to do it anyway. You won't know until you try, what kind of a relationship you might get with your parents, but explicitly setting some boundaries and holding to them will help you keep from getting sucked back into the relationship you left. With perseverance and patience, maybe you'll get a better one.
But your relationships with yourself and other people in your life will probably improve considerably, simply by your having chosen not to perpetuate the kinds of destructive behaviors you grew up with and probably learned to do yourself. Not to mention the practice you'll get in setting boundaries. If you can set realistic ones with your parents, and hold to them, while not having to break off the relationship again (even if they choose to!), setting and keeping to boundaries with most other people in your life should be a cinch! More power to you.
posted by TruncatedTiller at 3:19 PM on February 7

If you do sever all ties for your own health (which is a legitimate reason because some relationships are fully toxic and harmful) eventually try to discover your own good nature and the divinity inherent in that. That should allow you find the strength to allow for forgiveness which you may find useful as a form of closure.
posted by Muirwylde at 7:39 PM on February 8

My husband had the same experience and re-connected after about twelve years when our first child was born. It was a total disaster and although it was unbelievably painful he no longer wonders or longs for something more and has finally put it behind him. He had really grown as a person and they were exactly the same only meaner and crazier and it seemed that they had just been waiting all that time to get a second chance to be venomous and destructive and they were resentful that they had been "ignored" for so long. But by being with them as an adult he was able to finally put away his child/teen ideas of them and see them more clearly. It was awful, like I said, but final in a way that I think is good in the long run since there's no fantasy and no lingering guilt. Good luck.
posted by KTrujillo at 9:37 AM on February 9