How do I let my co-worker, subordinate, and ex know that we will no longer hang out?

November 6, 2004 8:37 AM

So I accidentally got involved with a coworker/subordinate. We both decided it would be good to end the relationship. She is under the impression it is still okay to "hang out." How do I disway her from this notion?
posted by anonymous to human relations (10 comments total)

Transfer departments or quit your job. This never works out well.

Accidentally? "Whoops, how the hell did my tongue end up in your throat?"
posted by PrinceValium at 8:44 AM on November 6, 2004

And this is why you don't fuck anyone that you work for or who works for you. But now you know that, so enough said.

What does "hang out" mean?

If it means just that, hanging out together as friends, why not? If you like her as a person, then continue the friendship.

I think that what makes someone hurt and angry in that situation is feeling like they are being ignored. But remember that you have to set boundaries. It helps if you still take her calls and do things socially with her. Try to keep those social situations in the daylight and in public. Doing lunch is a good activity. She's hardly likely to jump your bones in a crowded cafe at noon, right? What you don't want to do is go to a bar with her and find you and her arm in arm at closing time.

If "hanging out" means having sex then you have to be firm with your decision to end it and hope that she meets someone else to fill the void.

If you've met someone else, don't rub it in her face. That will likely lead to an emotional eruption at work, which will make everyone uncomfortable.

The only other alternative is to be a total asshole so that she hates you (at least for a time). This allows her to feel like she's the one ending the relationship.
posted by Juicylicious at 9:40 AM on November 6, 2004

What Juicylicious said (except for having relationships with coworkers, I disagree, though recognize some of the pitfalls of course.)

I'm friends with most of my ex-girlfriends if indeed hanging out means just that. However, if it's a boastful innuendo than you might want to explain why you object to a continued friendship with benefits situation. Speaking your mind honestly, though cliche to say, is very much the best policy. Clear the air and all that.
posted by juiceCake at 10:04 AM on November 6, 2004

Tell her straight up. I've been through the whole getting involved with subordinates at work think. I reccomend trying to be friends as Juicylicious said- but if you don't think it'll work out, I really think honesty is the best policy from personal experience.
posted by jmd82 at 10:13 AM on November 6, 2004

The only other alternative is to be a total asshole so that she hates you (at least for a time).

Are you out of your mind here? This leave bitterness even in out-of-the-workplace relationships. It's absolutely juvenile. The same goes if you replace "asshole" with "bitch."
posted by raysmj at 10:38 AM on November 6, 2004

Chill out ray. I didn't say it was the best way, or even a good alternative. But it is an option.
posted by Juicylicious at 10:42 AM on November 6, 2004

if what Americans friends tell me about sexual harassment regulations in the US is true, by all means consult a lawyer, not AskMeFi. seriously.
if you're not American, relax
posted by matteo at 10:52 AM on November 6, 2004

No, it is not a sensible option in a workplace relationship, especially one in which the former object of his affections is a subordinate. It never is a sensible or mature option anyhow, but here it's courting disaster -- as in, a serious decline in workplace morale and maybe even a lawsuit.
posted by raysmj at 11:08 AM on November 6, 2004

So I accidentally got involved with a coworker/subordinate.

Sorry, but no. You did it on purpose. Be nice to her, be a good boss to her, arrange for her to have pleasant duties far away from you, and find yourself another job.
posted by bingo at 1:25 PM on November 6, 2004

Be civil but noncommittal? I mean, if you can't tell her you're uncomfortable around her, then be uncomfortable around her. Unless she's totally obtuse, she'll quit coming around. And if she is, you're still civil and noncommittal.
posted by alumshubby at 3:15 PM on November 6, 2004