How to Propose (gay male edition)

February 5, 2009 9:53 AM

Asking for a friend: Which guy should propose to whom?

My friend Thurston is in a relationship with a wonderful, smart guy ("the Professor"). Thurston and the Professor have had discussions about being married someday which they'd both like. Aside from the sad fact that our state currently won't let them marry, Thurston is curious about how the proposal would go since he notes that traditionally the guy asks the girl - is there a rule of thumb for same sex couples?
Advice and anecdotes are welcome. Thurston thanks you in advance.
If it matters, both guys are brainy types and neither is a gooshy romantic but they'd like something between an awkward "hey, wanna go to Canada and get married next week?" and over-the-top shmoopy.

posted by pointystick to human relations (21 comments total)

Well, they're kinda throwing out "tradition" since there isn't a girl to be asked, so really, they get to start their own "tradition".
posted by notsnot at 10:02 AM on February 5

Yeah, seconding that they are not going to be following "tradition" at all. If ever there were a good time to forget the outmoded norms about how men and women in a couple are supposed to interact with each other and just do what you want, a same-sex couple, where there isn't even a man and a woman, would be one of those times.
posted by Jaltcoh at 10:08 AM on February 5 [1 favorite has favorites]

is there a rule of thumb for same sex couples?

I don't know but this is a great question and conversation item!

What I can say is this: I've been noted as an open, progressive thinker and I've always felt that in a hetero context the question should go either way. Why should a woman wait around for a man to ask? Should a man be expected to wait until she's ready to have him ask her? What?

I think if Thurston is ready he should go for it --or at least bring it up as an item for discussion, which I'd guess is how most progressive couples might go about it.

The situation counters tradition. These silly laws won't acknowledge the marriage. Why don't we ditch all these other rules and just go with love?
posted by ezekieldas at 10:08 AM on February 5

In my experience, smart, loving, mature couples tend to discuss marriage, rather than have a specific proposal from one to the other. There are all sorts of ways that such a discussion can be romantic, and not contractual, and each couple generally has a pretty good idea what romance constitutes for them.
posted by Capri at 10:09 AM on February 5 [9 favorites has favorites]

Which guy should propose to whom?

Whichever one wants to.

Disclaimer: I won't even pretend to understand the American tradition of proposing, though, coming from a country where people decide together if/when/how they are getting married.
posted by neblina_matinal at 10:10 AM on February 5 [1 favorite has favorites]

Thurston and the Professor? I always suspected that the Professor had something going with Mary Ann and that Thurston and Ginger ... oh, never mind.

If Thurston is feeling the itch to get hitched, he should ask. Chances are, it's something that they've discussed, if only in a theoretical sense, since gay marriage has been in the news so much. So he should at least have an inkling of how his partner may react. I've always felt that either partner could be the one to pop the question - my mom asked my dad and they're going to celebrate their 50th anniversary this year.

Let us know if he says yes!
posted by Kangaroo at 10:34 AM on February 5

Thurston should propose. Also, during the course of one of their conversations he should ask The professor what his preference would be... something original or a classic where he gets down on one knee (at this point, getting down on one knee) and breaks out a ring (at which point he'd break out the ring). Marriage ensues.
posted by syntheticfaith at 10:39 AM on February 5

The one who does it first.

This is also traditional in non-gay proposals.

Don't over think this or it'll become one of those stupid human interactions where two people who are really into each other never get together because they were waiting for the other to make the first move.
posted by Ookseer at 10:52 AM on February 5 [1 favorite has favorites]

I don't think there's a rubric. What would it even be? "The shorter man should propose?" "The bottom should propose?" "The person whose birth date is odd should propose?" "The one who's the best cook should propose?"

Thurston should just go ahead and propose.

Of course, I proposed to my husband, so I don't know whether Thurston would even take my advice because I'm obviously a Philistine in matters of proposal etiquette.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:14 AM on February 5

Talking it out together is great and smart and wonderful, and I'd advise anyone thinking of marrying to do that, but somebody's still gotta propose.

It seems like in every relationship I know there's one person who would just be the one to do it. The one who is the Decider, even if you talk out every damn decision. The one who would rather do the proposing than be the proposee.

Talking that out should get them there, too. Maybe it's always been the Professor's dream to be proposed to -- or to do the proposing. Thurston should find out ;]
posted by fiercecupcake at 11:16 AM on February 5

Talking it out together is great and smart and wonderful, and I'd advise anyone thinking of marrying to do that, but somebody's still gotta propose.

Why?

I admit that I am in a hetero marriage, but as far as I can tell neither of us proposed. I (the woman) said, "Hey, we should get married." He said, "Yeah, that's a good idea."
posted by muddgirl at 1:02 PM on February 5 [1 favorite has favorites]

While it's great to be smart, loving, and mature, some people (not necessarily both parties) enjoy the romance of the process. My wife and I discussed it for quite a while, but she likes surprises and she likes some of the romance.

Don't toss out romance and traditions under the guise of being "beyond all that" - the romance and tradition can be a bit of role-playing, if that's not a crass term to use. But you don't have to buy wedding books and watch sappy movies for ideas. I hid the ring in the body of a stuffed bear, complete with gummy-worm entrails, and she had to cut the stitching open to get the ring box. Then I went down on my knee and proposed.

In short: have fun and make it personal. Maybe if they're both at a loss of who should go first, they can say it together, each writing their own proposal.
posted by filthy light thief at 1:19 PM on February 5 [1 favorite has favorites]

It's not all that uncommon for women to propose to men. It's fairly common for couples to talk about their relationship, and come to consensus that it's time for marriage.

If this couple wants to have a romantic proposal story, whover wants it the most should create the event.
posted by theora55 at 1:34 PM on February 5 [1 favorite has favorites]

whover wants it the most should create the event

Actually, wouldn't that be counter to the heterosexual tradition, since the stereotype is that women care more than men about getting married?
posted by Jaltcoh at 1:48 PM on February 5

If they want something in between utilitarian and shmoopy, then one idea is to plan a weekend away together where they do a bunch of stuff they like to do and exchange engagement tokens of some sort. That way it can be both romantic AND initiated by both of them. That'll also give them a definite point where they can say, "We got engaged! During a romantic weekend! Exchanged rings in front of a crackling fire/atop a beautiful mountain/at a romantic restaurant/whatever!"
posted by muddgirl at 2:01 PM on February 5 [1 favorite has favorites]

Actually, wouldn't that be counter to the heterosexual tradition, since the stereotype is that women care more than men about getting married?

Yup. But it's still not a bad one.

But an even better one is this: discuss the prospect of marriage until it seems like a good idea to both parties. Then, the person who likes to make big romantic gestures more can go ahead and do the big romantic proposal. That's how it worked out in my relationship. I (female) was the one who asked, but I cared more about things being settled in a big romantic flourish, so it made sense for me to set that in motion.

(I'm also bad at keeping secrets and dropped a metric ton of hints about when it would go down. I actually think this is a good idea if there's any question about who will be doing the asking. That way, the other party won't be all disappointed because they were planning to ask.)
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 2:40 PM on February 5

I, uh, think the guy asks the guy!

(Yep, put down one more for "Whoever asks first"!)
posted by springbound at 3:26 PM on February 5

muddgirl, you said:

I admit that I am in a hetero marriage, but as far as I can tell neither of us proposed. I (the woman) said, "Hey, we should get married." He said, "Yeah, that's a good idea."

So... you proposed. ;]
posted by fiercecupcake at 7:42 PM on February 5

Thanks, everyone! Thurston thinks "whomever asks first" is the best answer. He says they are discussing this and doing the consensus thing but was curious about whether there was a common procedure.
Our mutual friend "Ginger" gives a best answer to filthy light thief for a stuffed animal full of gummi worms
Thanks, everyone!
posted by pointystick at 8:46 AM on February 6

Thurston and the Professor might be interested to read some of the answers to a previous question of mine as they plan their future. There are some really touching, and even cerebral, suggestions there.
posted by greekphilosophy at 10:09 AM on February 6

So... you proposed. ;]

By that definition of a wedding proposal, the original question is nonsensical, as both of them have already proposed.
posted by muddgirl at 10:59 AM on February 6