How to curb the degree of loneliness?

February 5, 2009 6:55 AM

What to do when the degree of lonliness is too much? I am in a long distance relationship which is starting to get to me. I'm trying to make friends here but it's very hard to do in the DC metro area. Do you guys have any suggestion in keeping one occupied?

I am gay male in a long distance relationship with a boyfriend. He lives in the west coast and I live in the east coast which makes calling each other a pain the behind.

He left November 2008 and I was strong until late January 2009. His absent started to get to me and made the weekends frustratingly lonely.

I've met one person online as friends but it did not work out because of conflicting world views. I met another person recently through CL and he seems like a nice person. However, he has lived here all his life and has more friends and obligations.

Also, I've befriended my roommate (I live with three other people) and his girlfriend, but I tread carefully not to be their third wheel.

Basically, I'm at the point of frustration of the rut I'm in. I don't want to appear desperate, but at the same time I don't want act like I don't need company. My boyfriend is constantly worried about me which I wish he wouldn't because he has a tough work schedule.

posted by LilSoulBrother85 to human relations (7 comments total)

I also forgot to add I'm taking community college courses which I hope also betters my chances.
posted by LilSoulBrother85 at 6:56 AM on February 5

I've been through this as well. In a hetero context but hopefully there's not much difference.

I'd recommend decreasing your sense of obligation. That is, for me, I began to not tell my on-the-wane SO all the details of my day or where or who I went on friends dates with. Soon, I made it explicitly clear my intention was to step back to a greater degree.

It's been difficult finding a certain definition for our arrangement. The lines of dialog have to remain open without getting clinical.

One's self must come first in a relationship. If you're not feeling fulfilled with the LD situation say so. It's ironic that the person who brings so much fulfillment can become a vacuum for loneliness when several time zones away.

As for meeting new people. It sounds like you're already doing the right thing. It'll take time though. It's difficult to kick, I know from personal experience, but the self-conscious, third wheel thing must be dropped as excess, unnecessary baggage. Just get out there and have fun.
posted by uhom at 7:19 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]

It's going to help a great deal to learn to enjoy some of that alone time, and get to know yourself better: cultivate a hobby (photography, crafts, writing?), read the books you meant to read, get some physical activity into your day. You don't always need to have someone with you to go see movies and places, either. Get out and take yourself to a movie, take yourself on a date to the zoo or something.

Meeting people will take some courage -- chat people up in your classes, join some clubs, volunteer for a cause you support. But you can do it!
posted by lizbunny at 7:20 AM on February 5

Get off the internet! The internet is a fine place full of interesting stuff to read and people to talk to, but if you want real-life friends, the best place to meet them is in real life.

I've actually found DC to be the easiest place to make friends of anywhere I've ever lived. There are thousands of people in their 20s and 30s who have moved here for jobs, don't know anyone, and are excited about the prospect of meeting new people. But you have to go out and do things in order to meet them.

I suggest that you pick some lectures on topics you're interested in, or happy hours hosted by groups that share your "world view" and just go to them. Get a drink (or a soda, if that's more your speed) and just hang out. People will talk to you. If you're feeling brave, introduce yourself to someone and ask an open-ended question. I suggest "what do you do for a living?" since virtually everyone here is obsessed with their jobs.

Talk to people in your classes. Talk to people at work. Invite someone out to lunch. If s/he blows you off, invite someone else. But the more time you spend online pining away for your boyfriend or for the friends you don't have, the more lonely and depressed you're going to be. If you get out and do something, even if you don't make lifelong buddies right away, you'll feel better, more social, happier. And DC is the perfect place for that.
posted by decathecting at 10:01 AM on February 5

My friend was in your situation a few years ago (gay male, long distance relationship in dc) he joined a gay rugby league and really liked it. I'm sure there's also sorts of similar gay sports/social activities if you google for it.

Also try the following social groups: onebrick.org, DC young professionals (goes by a different name now but again try googling it), meetin.org, meetup.org, DC ski club, and All souls unitarian church as a young professional group if you're into that kind of thing.

I sometimes found DC a difficult place to make friends, but if you pick an activity or two that you like and keep going on a regular basis, you'll be fine.
posted by bananafish at 11:25 AM on February 5

MEETinDC!

I've met some of this crowd and they are the funniest, friendliest bunch that you could ever hope to come across. Gay, straight, bi, whatever, you'll be made to feel very welcome. They have a 'mingler' tomorrow night (see the site):

Every month MiDC has a "Mingler" evening which is just for hanging out at a bar, meeting new members and other MiDC friends. This is very relaxed, friendly and informal - so just come along for a drink or few and meet new people! 'Cos this is what it's all about! If you haven't yet been to a MiDC event, this is a great one to start with. If this is your first event, feel free to come find me when you arrive - we'll be looking out for new faces too.

Incidentally - admittedly "Mingler" may sound a bit like it's a singles' mixer - but it most assuredly is not! This and all other events are for meeting people and making friends, so whether you're single, coupled, married - you're very, very welcome.

Please, go! No need to be lonely any more!
posted by different at 12:22 PM on February 5

I agree about getting off the internet and being as social as you can stand.

My husband (of 3 years) is in boot camp 2000 miles away. It's only been 3.5 weeks out of 13, but in that time I've gotten only two letters and there are zero phone calls. My self confidence has grown considerably since I've taken responsibility for myself, and I'm working towards being totally awesome and impressive when we see each other again.

Little things I do (staying with friends, no car, no public transit): cook for housemates. spend as much time as possible in common areas of the house, just to be around people and not shutting myself in my room. And any time there's an opportunity to go somewhere and spend time with people, I take it, even if I will get behind on my personal projects.

Both of those have contributed to making a friend of a friend my closest friend in the area. (And closest is a relative term.) But having someone local I get along with gives me little things to look forward to when seeing my husband again is so far away.

I've also gotten a little involved in a local arts-related non profit.

If I could get around, I'd probably take my sketchbook to coffee houses or pubs or something like that during long gaps of time, so I would be around other people and do some drawings to send my husband. Drawing in public is a good way to start conversations with strangers. I push myself to do things like this even though I can be shy and fearful of bad reactions from someone catching me sketching them.

Success varies, of course, depending on your relationship, interests, commitments, and so on.
posted by itesser at 12:45 PM on February 5 [1 favorite]