Changing someones attitude

February 4, 2009 5:51 AM

My girlfriend is a negative person. Either she changes her attitude or I'm going to leave her.

I've dated my girlfriend for about 3 years and I love her very much. I'm generally a very positive person, shes generally a negative person. She has a great sense of humor, is very nurturing, and we have a great relationship. Although our attitudes differ and we do get into bickering matches, we overall have a great relationship.

She graduated last may and is going to grad school this fall and I've been out of college for 3 years. I'm a little older and a little wiser (hopefully), and I'm at a time in my life where I want to start setting goals and ridding myself of all negative influences.

Some days shes in a great mood and has a lot of energy, but most of the time she's tired and can be draining to be with. I guess you could classify her as an "energy vampire". However, she's really brought a lot to my life and has helped me out of some tough spots. If it was some girl I had just met, I'd probably leave her but after three years she's become a huge part of my life.

I know this sounds like the usual "guy over-reacting" or "nice guy is dating a bitch" story but I'd really like her to change her outlook on life and her attitude because I care about her so much. Is there a way I can move her into the "light" and change her way of thinking? Is this even possible? Should I even bother or just move on to find a girl that has the same positive outlook on life that I do?

posted by deeman to human relations (47 comments total)

Not possible. Move on. If you are still having doubts, keep repeating what you wrote here: If it was some girl I had just met, I'd probably leave her. If that's not a red flag for you, I don't know what is.
posted by meerkatty at 5:54 AM on February 4 [4 favorites]

If she's always been this way, she won't change. If it's recent, suggest that she look into therapy. Either way, if you're unhappy, hit the road.
posted by amelioration at 6:00 AM on February 4

Yep, gone, sucks for her. People can change, but they need to do it for themselves. It's not your job.

Maybe she'll see this as a wake up call and get her act together, and maybe you two still have a future together. But at this point, you need to get rid of the negativity.
posted by theichibun at 6:02 AM on February 4

People don't change. She won't change. If you are un-happy right now you will be un-happy in the future. Break it off and look for someone who is more positive.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 6:03 AM on February 4

Wow, the DTMFA crew got a quick jump on this one.

Before you move on, you need to put some elbow grease into this relationship. Three years is not an insignificant amount of time, and you say she's helped you some rough patches. Perhaps she's simply going through a rough patch and it's time for you to help her through. Talk to her. Ask her what's going on. Has she always been an "energy vampire"? Maybe she's on some weird medication that's making her drowsy. Maybe it's her diet. Maybe it's that she just graduated and is nervous about grad school and her future. After you figure out what's bugging her, then offer ways to help her and support her. If she thinks there's nothing wrong, or if you cannot communicate well with her, or if she refuses to open up to you, then you can start laying out your needs and outlining ways in which her behavior needs to change for you to stay in the relationship.

You say either she changes her attitude or you're leaving her. Have you told her that? If not, then this post is pre-mature. Let us know what she says after you've had a heart to heart with her. And also, you say your relationship is great but you want to leave. Is your relationship really great? You don't seem to like this person. There are some contradictory points in your post, and I think more info is definitely needed.
posted by billysumday at 6:05 AM on February 4 [6 favorites]

Well, without knowing anything extra, I will say that your girlfriend sounds like she's depressed. Maybe she's not; it could just be the air I got from this. However, maybe she is. Depression is not uncommon. It's not just her negativity that leads me to saying this, but your describing her as an "energy vampire," really made me think of the people I've known in my life who have been depressed. Without therapy and/or medication, a depressed person is an emotional black hole, and it sucks for all parties.

Depending on how well you can communication with her, you may be able to express to her that you're concerned about her negativity and its effects on her health. You could recommend therapy.

If she's not too good at listening to you, or you're not too good at vocalizing things like this in a kind or calm manner, go to couple's therapy. A good therapist will take note of her negative emotions and perhaps request she come to some sessions alone or refer her to another therapist for that.

I don't know that I would leave her yet. Dig deeper to find out what makes her so negative. If it's not depression--a chemical imbalance--something has happened in her emotional life to make her this way. Whether it was her childhood, a former relationship, or something else entirely, it doesn't seem to me that you know. Perhaps she doesn't even know yet what's caused this (or realize it's a problem). People react to things, and cope with things, in all sorts of ways.

It's easy for people to say things like, "Oh, this obviously won't work, because you're not happy right now." But there's no sense throwing away three years if you like 90% of the relationship right now. Besides, if she is actually depressed, she needs someone to recognize that in her and help her--even if you aren't always the one to do that. Even if she isn't depressed, it sounds like she could benefit from a more positive outlook.

All this being said, if you find her adverse to personal and/or couple's therapy, end it. A person who won't help themselves or your relationship is a person you don't want to be with. Also, as harsh as this sounds, if you do find out she is depressed, you will need to figure out for yourself as to whether you want to stay in a relationship (get married, have children, etc.) that may have many ups and downs. Having a relationship with someone who has a mood disorder is not necessarily easy.

Good luck.
posted by metalheart at 6:12 AM on February 4 [5 favorites]

Also, this:

Some days shes in a great mood and has a lot of energy, but most of the time she's tired and can be draining to be with.

Seems like classic manic depression (bipolar disorder), but I am no doctor, and I can't truly say more from this post.
posted by metalheart at 6:13 AM on February 4

billysumday: I think the point that most people are making is that this isn't about her behavior, this is about her personality. Certainly there is behavior that is indicative of this type of personality, but even asking her to change that behavior will not solve the problem because she'll just find new ways to express her bitterness toward the world.

FWIW, I ended a three year relationship last year for not completely dissimilar reasons. Everything was actually fine in the relationship on a day-to-day basis. But my ex-partner had some personality issues that I simply couldn't see him overcoming, that I couldn't overcome for him/us, and that I couldn't live with for the rest of my life. I'm much happier now.
posted by greekphilosophy at 6:14 AM on February 4

I'll add my voice to the chorus suggesting that she may have some sort of depression-spectrum issue that could be addressed without moving mountains.

Now, if you've suggested this sort of thing and she absolutely refuses, then your options are fairly limited. Good luck.
posted by DWRoelands at 6:18 AM on February 4

I'd say you are the negative side of this relationship. Being a grad student is exhausting (I lived with one). You would be wise to develop more of a life of your own...perhaps on your own.
posted by Carol Anne at 6:18 AM on February 4 [5 favorites]

Maybe she won't change, but why not give it a try anyway? Ask her if she'd be willing to try being more positive. Explain what that means, with concrete examples (e.g. "So when I say X, it would be great if you could do/say A, B, or C - but please not M or N. ). Make sure she knows how important this is to you.

I mean, maybe people don't often change, but it seems like a huge shame to just break up with her without giving her a chance to address this. It also seems kind of unfair.

Maybe you've already tried something like this, but I didn't get that impression from your question.
posted by amtho at 6:20 AM on February 4

Have a look at the book Mindset.

The author is a genuinely well-respected professor of psychology. The theme of her research is all about how some people tend to think of themselves as incapable of change and success (and thus have very negative outlooks), while others are much more optimistic and willing to try new things. Crucially, she maintains that it's possibly and often fairly easy to help someone move from a negative "fixed" mindset to a more positive "growth" one. There's more complexity to it than that (especially if you look up her academic papers in the peer-reviewed presses), but that's certainly the gist.

This book is based on her research and sits somewhere between friendly pop science and a self-help book. I credit it with getting me out of a very negative and overwhelemed rut I'd got into with my work, simply by helping me to recognise that I was thinking myself into the rut and then making me approach that part of my life with a new attitude. If the book has a downside, it's that the anecdotes and references to popular culture are very US-centric.

I know anything that looks like a self-help book is scarily cliched these days. I think so too and hate pseudoscience; but the author seems legit, it seemed to work for me and it'll only cost you a few $/£ to find out.
posted by metaBugs at 6:23 AM on February 4 [9 favorites]

but I'd really like her to change her outlook on life and her attitude because I care about her so much.

Either love her for who she is or move on.

It's hard to say much about your situation, as we're only getting one side of the story and there's not concrete examples given, just a general "She's negative and I want to get rid of negative influences" Maybe she is negative. Maybe you two are just at different points in your lives and where you once seemed to at least be on similar roads, now you're in completely different states, though you're together.

Whatever. The point is that you're unhappy. Talk it out and tell her how you're feeling. This won't be easy or fun, but it will help you two sort things out.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:29 AM on February 4 [8 favorites]

I agree with all the people who have said that people don't change unless they want to. But, as Carol Anne says, I think it's unreasonable for you to expect her to be a constant bundle of energy while in graduate school.

Also, I'm a little confused by your saying that you're setting goals for yourself, that you're a little older and a little wiser. Other than your saying that she's "tired", you haven't given any evidence or examples of her being either immature or negative. In fact, if she's in grad school, so clearly she's setting goals for herself.

I think the major problem is that it doesn't sound like you like her very much. So break up. But don't feel all superior about it.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:34 AM on February 4 [7 favorites]

The fact that you brought this problem to AskMe and not to her says a lot. You're coming off as very neurotic. Like you come up with characterizations of people in your head that you won't try to validate with reality. Maybe it's not as bad as that sounds, but something like that.

I'm a little older and a little wiser (hopefully), and I'm at a time in my life where I want to start setting goals and ridding myself of all negative influences.

This really stuck out to me. Narcissistic and righteous. Especially the part about being wiser. It also comes off like that fake kind of maturity I see in a lot of my fellow young people. "I'm going to be responsible now so that means I have to get a job, marry somebody, buy a house, get a bmw, pop out a few kids and eventually retire in luxury. And I can just dump overboard anybody I can characterize as messing up my life without ever approaching them." Ugh. Responsibility is NOT proving you can do those things.

Responsibility means being able to bring this up and then talking about it. And not just hiding it away in the back of your mind where it grows into a neurosis that ruins everything you guys have worked for. No one is a negative person for no reason, try to figure out what's going on. You've got nothing to lose.
posted by symbollocks at 6:46 AM on February 4 [24 favorites]

I mean, maybe people don't often change, but it seems like a huge shame to just break up with her without giving her a chance to address this. It also seems kind of unfair.

Seconding this by amtho.

People can change. And after three years she deserves the chance.
You should have an adult conversation about your relationship, how things are going, and what both of you like and don't like about it. Maybe she feels you are an overly rigid, pie-in-the-sky optimist who is a little too hyperactive most of the time but she finds that endearing about you.

Who knows. So talk about it with her. Talk about what you both want.

That comes before the DTMFA.
posted by pixlboi at 7:01 AM on February 4

Seems like classic manic depression (bipolar disorder), but I am no doctor, and I can't truly say more from this post.

Not to be, well, negative, but no it does not. I know there's a disclaimer, but do NOT go about assuming your lady friend is manic-depressive/bipolar.
posted by nosila at 7:12 AM on February 4

IANASocialogist, but sometimes break down people as follows:

True Negative People or Energy Vampire (I will never get that job, so why bother)
Fake Negative People or Realistic, but come off as negative to certain others (I probably wont get the job, but let me try anyway, I meet most of the qualifications)
Fake Positive People or Delusional (I know I am going to get that job even though I have none of the requirements or experience for it)
True Positive People or Inspirational (I know I am going to get that job that I am qualified for, and even if I don't there will be other opportunities)

Where do you fall into? Are you sure? Ask your SO, you will be surprised that how you see yourself may not be how others see you. Without examples, my first inclination is to side with your SO, and even with examples, do you consider why your SO acts in that way, or are you using your worldview?

My gut tells me your SO should leave you.
posted by MrMulan at 7:15 AM on February 4 [6 favorites]

Also, could you give some more concrete examples of what you mean? I found out more about you from your question than about her.
posted by symbollocks at 7:25 AM on February 4

You should dump her, because you aren't on her side or trying to empathize. Sucks that you won't have the positives of having her around any more, but if you're not happy, there's no relationship left.
posted by shownomercy at 7:50 AM on February 4 [1 favorite]

People aren't "energy vampires." You're responsible for your own "energy."
posted by footnote at 7:51 AM on February 4 [5 favorites]

It's bullshit that people can't change. Yes, they have to want to, but a long-term relationship is exactly the kind of thing that makes people want to. In the four years since I've been with my husband, I've quit smoking, cut down on drinking, got treatment for panic disorder and depression, and have become a more patient and generous person. I can't say for sure what would have happened if we had never met, but if I'd continued on the path I was on before I met him, I'd definitely be in a different place.

If she's brought a lot to your life and helped you out of tough spots, why wouldn't you do the same for her? You can bring a lot to her life by telling her that her happiness is very important to you, and she hasn't seemed happy lately. You can help her out of her tough spot. She may feel you pulling away, and that's certainly not going to help her moodiness. You say you want to start setting goals? Well, talk to her about them, get her excited about them. It's much easier to be positive when you have something to look forward to.
posted by desjardins at 7:57 AM on February 4 [5 favorites]

OP,

I think one issue I see here is that you (didn't get a chance to) explain how she defines herself. SO self assessment questions: Does she define herself as 'negative'? Does she express a desire to change? When you talk to her, are you able to define what specific behaviors are 'negative', and share how they affect you?

For example, there are times when I will turn to Mr. Anitanita and say: Aagh! why are we arguing? And he's look at me as if I'm slightly a bit of a nuthead and say: What *are* you talking about? We are discussing!

And that's because I has issues around what I define as arguing -clearly something I... 1) define differently than him 2) as something negative and 3) realize affects me in a way that he only now realizes, now that I've finally shared with him.

Share how what she specifically does makes you feel. And be open to hearing her perspective on it, including perhaps something you don't know she thinks about you (you're dismissive!, etc.). That's the only way that I've seen people change - understanding. And I'm just saying to be open to the fact that the person who might have to change is perspective might be you *and* her.
posted by anitanita at 8:04 AM on February 4

My place in the Venn diagram is the intersection of People Can Change and People Don't Often Change Fundamentally. When they do change significantly, it is usually in response to loss/trauma of some sort. For her, you and others leaving/deserting/rejecting her specifically because of her negativity (if that's accurate) may be the kind of thing that makes her change eventually. Maybe not. My guess is that's more apt to change her than you just bringing it up as an observation/request.

But as others have said, and in keeping with your recognition of the good parts of your relationship, I think the best plan is to bring up this issue with her in a gentle but matter of fact way, where you lay it out for her like you have for us. You love her, but don't want this in your life. If you are able to say that to her, then that is actually the issue. If you're not able to say that to her, consider whether or not that's really the issue, and whether there might be other ones that are making you want to leave her.

One thing to remember is to be flexible when talking to her about this. This situation exists in your head based on a certain set of information and assumptions. Like any plan, it will change as soon as the game/battle/project starts, because she'll have other input and perspective and information. So maybe don't be fixated on the two outcomes you have in your head - she stops being negative and you stay vs. she keeps it up and you leave. Go into it prepared to shift and flex and consider other points and outcomes. Good luck. I hope it works out for you both.
posted by kookoobirdz at 8:07 AM on February 4

Nthing depression and/or mood disorder. A negative attitude is not necessarily a hardwired personality trait and certainly not unchangeable- this is something she has probably learned. Certain habits of mind, resulting from negative experiences, low self esteem, and chemical imbalance can form a groove that can be very difficult to get out of.

Perhaps as you communicate with her about this you can help raise her awareness that she deserves to feel better and can, if she takes steps to change her thought patterns and paradigm and addresses her moods.
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 8:14 AM on February 4

I'd really like her to change her outlook on life and her attitude

Maybe you could start by just asking her to change certain specific behaviors because it would make you feel better. For example, I'm the type who gets worried or anxious about certain things, so I need people close to me to reassure or encourage me, and if they said "ha ha, yeah, you're screwed" or "yeah, you're the worst employee ever, they'll probably fire you," even as a joke, even though my head knows they're joking, my emotional side feels like "omg, they're right," so it's the least helpful thing they can say. If someone did that, I might think "they are so negative and they drain all my energy." Whereas to them, they are making a light-hearted joke, maybe to cheer me up or to show me how over-the-top my fears are. It just so happens that their jokes intersect with a really vulnerable spot for me. So, I've learned to say "hey, I freak out about certain things sometimes and when I'm really nervous, can you please not make jokes about it and instead try to be soothing or reassuring? I know you're just trying to be funny, but because when I'm that twitchy, I'll take anything sarcastic or jokey that you say as a true statement, and get even more worried. Can you please say reassuring things?"

This effort requires shifting your focus from her to you, and so rather than continuing to think of her as a terribly negative person or an energy vampire who needs to change her entire outlook, I'd first try to figure out exactly what she did that felt that way to you, and why those actions affected you at all. Once you're into labeling someone, you're pretty far down the road past the point where talking would be useful and you should either just leave or try to do a U-Turn in your own head first. Even if all you're saying about what bothers you is "wow, when you say that hopeless thing, I feel really bad for you and miserable that I can't help you feel better," that's better than saying "you're a Vampire and you need to change," or saying anything that's focused on her. Good luck.
posted by salvia at 8:24 AM on February 4 [1 favorite]

I am by nature a negative person. I'm a pessimist, or as I prefer it, a realist. This isn't something I can really change about myself.

However, close friends have helped me over the years to either keep it to myself or stop myself from being Debbie Downer at every interaction. I come off to the world as a lot more positive than I really am, but it's mostly an act. How I really feel comes out when I'm around people I love and trust. I also trust those people to talk to me when I seem more down than normal, or when I start to bring them down. And I'd sure expect a boyfriend of three years to bring it up than to dump me out of the blue for it.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 9:10 AM on February 4 [1 favorite]

Before you just up and leave you have got to tell her that this is what you're thinking and give her a chance to work on it. It amazes me how dismissive people can be of others with depressive issues. I'm not saying she'll be completely open to your criticisms or even able to change before your patience is up but jeez, give the girl a fighting chance to keep the relationship going.
posted by smallstatic at 9:12 AM on February 4

At a quick skim, seems nobody's addressed the (presumed) issue of age; I gather that she's in her early-mid 20s or so. If so, common enough that people do get a little older and wiser, feel more comfortable via experiences, feel more self-assured, etc.

That aside, Nthing the thoughts that it's more a matter of communication, becoming aware of her perceptions and what's on/in her mind and gently, kindly relating your observations than a matter of having a go at "change her outlook on life"--at the risk of reading too much into the words you chose.

Feels like these things are more offering to (try to) gently help someone find the destination than trying to put them in the car and driving them there--with an understanding that they might not agree that the destination is desirable or be able to make it.
posted by ambient2 at 9:24 AM on February 4

I've been on the other side of this equation. My fiancee told me that he was leaving because I was too angry and too upset all of the time. While I'm not perfect now, I am much better and reigned myself in quickly at the time because I loved him. We've been married for 10 years, together for 13 years.

Too be fair, I had told him that a stressful situation was coming up involving parental abandonment issues and told him to talk to me if I started being a bitch, because I probably wouldn't know because I'd be reacting over the place.

The take away from my experience is that substantial personal change is possible, if the person delivering the ultimatum is willing to work with you.
posted by Issithe at 9:28 AM on February 4

salvia is right. You have to give her something specific. To request that someone is more positive is too vague and is setting someone up for failure. How will you know if she has achieved it? Will your definition change?

Whether she is depressed or not, she is likely going through a hard time in school. It isn't easy, and can be harder when your partner isn't in the same part of life, schedule etc. You don't want her to hide or invalidate her negative thoughts and feelings but find a more useful way to express them. You want to support her in practising more positive thoughts nd celebrating the positive aspect of things

In talking to her, you should express your concern for her. If you care about her, you wouldn't want to be negative and pessimistic about her life and future, right? You can support her in any steps she wants to take to change. You don't want her to hide or invalidate her negative thoughts and feelings but find a more useful way to express them. You want to support her in practising more positive thoughts nd celebrating the positive aspect of things Change isn't easy but it is possible.
posted by Gor-ella at 9:28 AM on February 4

Why can't you change to be a more negative person?
posted by filmgeek at 10:04 AM on February 4 [6 favorites]

Do you want her to change this behavior so she can be happier, or so that you can be happier? Because that really makes a difference.

If it's the former, I'd bring it up to her. If it's the latter, well, it's just not really a recipe for success.
posted by agentwills at 10:04 AM on February 4 [3 favorites]

Irritability and negativity are symptoms of depression, and worth checking out. She can change her behavior - the expression of her negativity - but only if she truly chooses to.
posted by theora55 at 10:06 AM on February 4 [1 favorite]

IANAD, but it sounds like classic depression to me with the lack of energy & pessimism. Since she sounds capable of being "up," then I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion this is just her personality. On the other hand, even if depression is a factor here, she may still be a pessimist after addressing the issue, but at least you would know that you tried before you walk away.
posted by katemcd at 10:15 AM on February 4

I've wanted up/down energy-draining people in my life to change, just as you're describing. The good times were great, the bad times were shitty and lasted 10 times longer than the good. But I liked the great so much I kept putting up with stuff I didn't like, and slowly grew more and more resentful. I've gone as far as to convince myself that I was selflessly trying to help them.

Then one day, I was at some self-help seminar where I asked the question - "how can I get them to change?". Probably a hundred people in the room said, "it's you, not them".

This baffled and irritated me tremendously. But now that I've thought about it for a number of years, I totally see what they were saying. It was about my insecurity, attachment, and control issues. They could change, sure, but it wasn't my job to change them (not even something I was capable of doing!). My letting go of that goal turned out to be the a good thing for everyone.

If she wants to change, then she can work to change things. Wanting to change is the key - without it, it won't happen.

Your frustration is your problem, not hers.
posted by buzzv at 10:25 AM on February 4 [3 favorites]

The biggest question is whether or not your GF is happy with herself the way she is.

For example, does she say she's depressed? Does she wish she were more positive? Does she cheer up when you are positive and upbeat around her, or does she tell you to take things more seriously?

Her negative outlook may be creating depression in her, and she may not even realize it. Or, she may be just fine with the way she is, and consider herself a realist, even be proud of that.

Perhaps you have an unusually optimistic outlook on life, and by comparison, your GF seems negative.

In any case, you need to figure out whether it's a basic incompatibility in your personalities, or whether it's a depressive fog that can be lifted (and if so, I highly recommend cognitive behavioral therapy [CBT], not medication).

IANAT, but I've dealt with depression both ways. I think I have the same tendencies as your GF, and for me it isn't a "chemical imbalance," which is a term way overused in our society. My problem is rooted in negative thinking, which stems from growing up in a dysfunctional family of origin in a depressed local economy. Reality was losing your job, lack of regular sunshine, and the Midwestern stiff upper lip, manifested in stoicism and regular discipline of children.

Anyway, I say all that just to point out that it's not always a serotonin problem. Your thoughts affect your mood, and I was able to turn my moodiness around using CBT. I was highly motivated to do so, because I was driving people away by my negativity.

You really need to sit down and talk with your GF about whether she feels the need to change. If not, you may want to consider going your separate ways. However, I must tell you that my Dad, a natural optimist, is married to one of the most negative women I've ever met. However, they have loved each other and been committed for 28 years, and oddly enough, she makes him happy. So it can work.
posted by xenophile at 11:00 AM on February 4

Wow, are you describing me?

No, she won't change. She will try really hard to minimize it for your sake, because she loves you. But ultimately, unless she has a completely life-altering experience or vision, she is just wired to see things through a different set of lenses than you.
posted by ttyn at 11:02 AM on February 4 [1 favorite]

She won't change unless SHE wants to change. That said, she sounds like a classic case of depression - the lack of energy and negative attitude. Not everyone is by nature perky and effervescent, but depression can make someone into a real Cynical Sid. Suggest that she call her GP right away. I can't begin to tell you how much my energy level, sleep patterns, and general outlook changed once I was treated for chronic low-level depression.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 11:10 AM on February 4

I'm a little older and a little wiser (hopefully), and I'm at a time in my life where I want to start setting goals and ridding myself of all negative influences.

When you're *truly* older and wiser, you'll realize that you will never "rid yourself of all negative influences." Every day of your life, you will encounter things that don't jive with your worldview, that you disagree with, that challenge you. That's life. Prove that you really are wiser, and accept it.

You want to conquer the world right now, three years out of college. That's not unusual. You need to take great steps, though, to avoid the sense of entitlement that sometimes comes with that ambition. You're exhibiting it in spades.

If it was some girl I had just met, I'd probably leave her but after three years she's become a huge part of my life.

In other words, you're only now realizing that this person you've spent three years with has some personality traits that you yourself don't share. But hey, you have a girlfriend, and you like having a girlfriend, and you want to continue having a girlfriend. But instead of *accepting* your girlfriend, and instead of dealing with some of the hard stuff involved in having a girlfriend, you're going to ask all these internet peoples how to CHANGE YOUR GIRLFRIEND. Hey, it's easier that way!

See above, re: "older," "wiser."

I know this sounds like the usual "guy over-reacting" or "nice guy is dating a bitch" story but I'd really like her to change her outlook on life and her attitude because I care about her so much.

From where I sit, what it sounds like is "asshole doesn't want to spend any effort, is being unfair to girlfriend."

Grow up a little. If you're as mature as you think you are, realize that people are different. Your girlfriend has a different outlook on life than you do. Accept it or don't, but don't try to change her "for her own good" (because that's unmitigated bullshit), and don't blame your inability to accept that on her.
posted by mudpuppie at 11:20 AM on February 4 [9 favorites]

to be honest, i imagine if I was your girlfriend, and knew that my boyfriend of three years was posting on an internet forum describing me in no uncertain terms as a 'negative person', no matter how big my self-esteem was, I would practically have a nervous breakdown.

People do not fit into positive/negative categories. It is unkind and hostile to break people down in this way. This is not to say that perhaps you should not be with your girlfriend, but its because your relationship isn't working out, rather than because she is a 'negative person' and you are a 'positive person'. You honestly don't sound too positive here. As a previous poster said, maybe she has depression. Maybe you are making the right decision, but your reasoning is rather cut throat and somewhat unrealistic.

It takes two to tango in every relationship, and if a relationship makes you feel like shit, its not always only the other person's fault. If you approach someone with that attitude, its funny how they often turn out exactly to be as you expected.
posted by iamnotateenagegirl at 12:07 PM on February 4 [2 favorites]

Is she negative towards herself (talk like "I'm useless", "I'm ugly"), or negative towards you, and about other people, situations, when she's around you?

A lot of people in this thread seem to be assuming that her negativity must be the first type, and are jumping all over you for not being supportive of this fragile, depressed little snowflake.

However, I've been in, and rescued myself from, a relationship (more than a year living together) with a man who, although he also had a good sense of humour, brought a lot to my life, etc, was wearing me down every day with his negativity.

Shortly after we met, he seemed miserable about his living situation. The house he lived in was falling apart, his flatmates were slobs, and so on, and so on (all true). I asked him to move in with me. We chose the house together. It was light and breezy. We handpicked flatmates to live with. we planned barbecues in our new back yard. I thought that I was bringing 'happy' into his life. Six months later, the constant bellyaching was back. The house was (I can't even remember now what was 'wrong' with it), our flatmates were slobs, idiots, unbearable!

I finally realised that when he was with other friends he didn't behave the same. He could talk about mutual friends without putting them down. He could drive from one side of town to the other without swearing constantly about other drivers.

I was simply his 'safety-valve', and his constant griping to me was a fixed habit.

I look back now and wish that I had known to knock this behaviour on the head at the beginning. Instead of ever sympathising, if I had told him the very first time to knock it off, things may have been very different. I tried, several times, after my moment of realisation, to explain to him how his negativity made me feel. I tried to salvage our good relationship. No dice.

When I found myself slipping into 'his' negative thought-habits, then I walked away. A couple of years later, good friends, he danced with me at my wedding. To another, fantastic, entirely adult man.

If you and your girlfriend are stuck in the same sort of situation - where it is a strong mental habit of hers to behave in a negative fashion around you - well, I wish you luck in changing it, but your instinct to set goals and avoid negative influences is entirely valid. I've stuffed up my fair share of relationships, and I've never been blameless in any of them, but after this last one, I set a goal for myself of never again bearing the crushing weight of someone else' emotional wellbeing.
posted by Catch at 1:00 PM on February 4

You say she's a grad student. Try reading phdcomics to understand just how much being a grad student sucks.
posted by yeara at 2:25 PM on February 4

i have been on something similar to the opposite end of this. while i am a "negative" person sometimes (and i do often consider that negativity to be more about realism than actual negativism so take all this FWIW), eventually my ex would never even recognize when i was being positive or energetic or happy or what have you. is there a chance that this is the case? has she had some rough times with the whole grad school thing and has possibly been negative because of it, but now all you hear is the negative and not everything else? it's just a thought. because if that is the case, then it can be a vicious cycle where you feel she's negative, you tell her she's being negative, and then of course she will become negative because she can't convince you otherwise. maybe you both need to re-evaluate your mindsets?

if you haven't addressed this with her already, please be careful at how you do so. saying blanket statements like "you're always negative." or "you're never happy." really does not breed caring and thoughtful discussion. you need to work from her angle and find out how she's actually feeling and point out how that either does or does not coincide with her behavior (i.e. negativity) and then let her know how it makes you feel. i don't think it's worth giving up 3 years over without at least trying to come to an understanding that works for you both. if she can't change and you can't handle it, that's one thing. but you both have to be given a chance to figure it out.
posted by itsacover at 5:39 PM on February 4

Mr. Older and Wiser, it took you three years to figure out this person is negative?? Or was it that she was still negative but just convenient to hang around with? And now that you have decided to rid yourself of all negative influences, it is more convenient to get rid of her?
posted by xm at 8:36 PM on February 4

I'm with desjardins on this one. Before my relationship with my husband I had a lot of negative qualities that I'm glad to be free of now. He, and our relationship, had a lot to do with getting over some of that stuff. Similarly, the same thing happened for him and some of his qualities. Having someone you can trust still loves you when they bring up things like the OP mentions can work wonders, if the person being criticized is at least mature enough to listen.

People can and do change. I might go as far to admit that they probably don't change more than they do, but a lot goes into whether or not such a thing is likely... including the approach taken by the person wishing they would change in some way.
posted by Nattie at 11:38 PM on February 4 [1 favorite]

It's most probably depression, or even more credibly, some existential sadness about this relationship of three years (stuck?!). Been there, thought of myself I was a looser, depressed, overly negative. Breaking up with the boyfriend who refused to recognise a primary relationship, or the need to plan for the future, was, I thought, something that will take the last hope from me. It did not. To this day, I cannot understand how I turned into a happy, hopeful, positive person, and pretty quickly. Just overheard a comment about it yesterday.

Yet I still believe I could be the happiest person building life with my ex. Turns out, he was indeed the negative party. So good he moved on for bigger and better things.
posted by Jurate at 8:25 AM on February 5