My in-laws HATE me and I KNOW I did NOTHING wrong! Please help!!!!
February 4, 2009 1:02 AM Subscribe
How does a girl find middle ground with pseudo-in laws that, out of nowhere, stopped liking and talking to her?
My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of years and until recently, everything had been perfect. His family loved and adored me and my family felt the same way for him. Everyone would joke around and ask us when we were going to get married and have children. Then, last Christmas, I began to notice that my boyfriend's mother's behavior started to change towards me. She began to make snide remarks towards me about my life, I had some moments that were very drama-filled concerning a crazy ex and some friends I decided to remove from my life, and for a woman who once had a list of her future grandchildren from us, she began telling me "not to bother getting married and having kids." It was very heartbreaking to hear the things she was saying to me.
One thing I should mention that was a drastic change throughout this time was that my boyfriend's brother just came back into the picture. There was this big family issue a long time ago and they had lost contact with him. The brother is now back in the family and he has graduated from college, has a wife, owns his home...pretty much has a lot together for someone in his late twenties. Suffice it to say, it has felt like ever since my boyfriend's brother has come back into their lives, his mother and whole family have looked at our relationship differently because we are not married, have not graduated from college yet, and are not as financially stable.
I am absolutely clueless on what to do. A lot of our close friends believe that it has a lot to do with his family realizing that our relationship is serious and since my boyfriend is the baby and favorite of the family, his mother is finally realizing that she is not and will no longer be top priority. Oddly enough, during out whole visit, she kept bringing up who my boyfriend would pick if he had to choose, her or me. I know that, with the remarks being so rude and hurtful, leaving early on our Christmas visit did not appease matters with his family, I can agree that that may have shown his family what a big "threat" I was. Other friends say that, with his brother back and married and settled as an adult, his family are conservatively placing a ridiculous importance on that status since we are just dating and are comfortable with living together.
I know I cannot change how people feel about me and my boyfriend has made it clear to everyone that unless the mean comments and treatment towards me stop, no one will get a visit from him. I hate to put him in the middle and have told him that I cannot force him to be in the middle and even offered for us to break up so that he would not have to deal with it. He is very close with his family and I know this is breaking his heart to not see them and to witness this very cruel side of them. I love his family and adore his mother. I just don't know what I did, but more importantly, I do not know what to do to get to a middle ground with them. I do not think I could ever forgive them for the things they have done and said, but I could get passed it for my boyfriend's sake. And if we were to ever marry someday and have children, I know I would want my children to know their father's family. Please, especially those girls/women who have had to confront in-law issues, help!!!
My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of years and until recently, everything had been perfect. His family loved and adored me and my family felt the same way for him. Everyone would joke around and ask us when we were going to get married and have children. Then, last Christmas, I began to notice that my boyfriend's mother's behavior started to change towards me. She began to make snide remarks towards me about my life, I had some moments that were very drama-filled concerning a crazy ex and some friends I decided to remove from my life, and for a woman who once had a list of her future grandchildren from us, she began telling me "not to bother getting married and having kids." It was very heartbreaking to hear the things she was saying to me.
One thing I should mention that was a drastic change throughout this time was that my boyfriend's brother just came back into the picture. There was this big family issue a long time ago and they had lost contact with him. The brother is now back in the family and he has graduated from college, has a wife, owns his home...pretty much has a lot together for someone in his late twenties. Suffice it to say, it has felt like ever since my boyfriend's brother has come back into their lives, his mother and whole family have looked at our relationship differently because we are not married, have not graduated from college yet, and are not as financially stable.
I am absolutely clueless on what to do. A lot of our close friends believe that it has a lot to do with his family realizing that our relationship is serious and since my boyfriend is the baby and favorite of the family, his mother is finally realizing that she is not and will no longer be top priority. Oddly enough, during out whole visit, she kept bringing up who my boyfriend would pick if he had to choose, her or me. I know that, with the remarks being so rude and hurtful, leaving early on our Christmas visit did not appease matters with his family, I can agree that that may have shown his family what a big "threat" I was. Other friends say that, with his brother back and married and settled as an adult, his family are conservatively placing a ridiculous importance on that status since we are just dating and are comfortable with living together.
I know I cannot change how people feel about me and my boyfriend has made it clear to everyone that unless the mean comments and treatment towards me stop, no one will get a visit from him. I hate to put him in the middle and have told him that I cannot force him to be in the middle and even offered for us to break up so that he would not have to deal with it. He is very close with his family and I know this is breaking his heart to not see them and to witness this very cruel side of them. I love his family and adore his mother. I just don't know what I did, but more importantly, I do not know what to do to get to a middle ground with them. I do not think I could ever forgive them for the things they have done and said, but I could get passed it for my boyfriend's sake. And if we were to ever marry someday and have children, I know I would want my children to know their father's family. Please, especially those girls/women who have had to confront in-law issues, help!!!
Response by poster: He has tried to extend an olive branch to her and she refuses to admit that anything she said during our visit was hurtful. She has taken it upon herself to play victim and is now accusing me of pitting him against his whole family. She has called me a drama-magnet and self-involved. I do not understand where this flip occurred and why, especially since our visit prior to Christmas was for his grandmother's death and we stayed with his family for 2 weeks. During that time, I cleaned his mother's house for her, sorted her mail, cooked a meal every night...all to help ease his mom's worries since she was so busy with funeral and memorial plans. I honestly do not know what her problem is with me. And I never once issues an ultimatum to him. My boyfriend was the one that decided to leave early during our Christmas visit because he had had enough witnessing the things she was saying to me. He is the one that has continued to not visit them, I have told him that if he wanted to go, he was more than welcome to.
posted by penguingrl at 1:27 AM on February 4, 2009
posted by penguingrl at 1:27 AM on February 4, 2009
I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been on the other side. My family was not initially very welcoming toward my wife and she felt a lot of the same emotions you describe here. Crucially, though, without the overtly hurtful statements you've had to deal with.
I think having your bf set boundaries between you and his family is a great idea. He should have one very respectful conversation with them in which he tells them how important you are in his life, assures them that you're not going anywhere any time soon, and then expresses his hope that they can respect his decision and support his relationship. After that, when his mother acts up, you (though not him) have to freeze her out. When she behaves badly toward you, you have to stop going to visit them. After things have calmed down, you can try again. But only when you yourself feel strong enough to deal with them. In the meantime, let him visit his family alone. If they ask where you are, let him make lame excuses for you. They'll figure out the drill.
Most importantly, though, you have to isolate, as much as you can, his family situation from your relationship. The family is always going to be a factor in your lives, but the real work of building a life together happens between the two of you. Try to discipline yourself to draw distinctions between his mothers' misbehavior, a thing he has no control of, and what's going on in your relationship. Putting this another way: she will make him think he has to choose between her or you. You have the luxury of never having to put him in this position. If you two can make it through the rocky sections, his family will come around, in some fashion or other.
If you can keep your cool and continue to treat his family with respect, even in the midst of their ugliness, you will reap massive rewards in the long run. He will come to associate you with stability and trust. He'll rely upon you for strength where his family weakens him. And, most importantly, you'll start developing patterns in your relationship that will ensure that you never put your own children in this same difficult situation.
Good luck!
posted by felix betachat at 1:40 AM on February 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
I think having your bf set boundaries between you and his family is a great idea. He should have one very respectful conversation with them in which he tells them how important you are in his life, assures them that you're not going anywhere any time soon, and then expresses his hope that they can respect his decision and support his relationship. After that, when his mother acts up, you (though not him) have to freeze her out. When she behaves badly toward you, you have to stop going to visit them. After things have calmed down, you can try again. But only when you yourself feel strong enough to deal with them. In the meantime, let him visit his family alone. If they ask where you are, let him make lame excuses for you. They'll figure out the drill.
Most importantly, though, you have to isolate, as much as you can, his family situation from your relationship. The family is always going to be a factor in your lives, but the real work of building a life together happens between the two of you. Try to discipline yourself to draw distinctions between his mothers' misbehavior, a thing he has no control of, and what's going on in your relationship. Putting this another way: she will make him think he has to choose between her or you. You have the luxury of never having to put him in this position. If you two can make it through the rocky sections, his family will come around, in some fashion or other.
If you can keep your cool and continue to treat his family with respect, even in the midst of their ugliness, you will reap massive rewards in the long run. He will come to associate you with stability and trust. He'll rely upon you for strength where his family weakens him. And, most importantly, you'll start developing patterns in your relationship that will ensure that you never put your own children in this same difficult situation.
Good luck!
posted by felix betachat at 1:40 AM on February 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
Seconded, call her and ask her. If you two can't address your issues head-on now, then you likely won't ever be able to -- so better you be up-front and straightforward. Don't demand that she justify her behavior; just let her know you've noticed her behavior towards you seems to have changed, and you're wondering why.
Make sure your boyfriend is aware you're going to do this, and is in the room listening to you -- not so that you can repeat back what she says (you shouldn't) but so that if she calls him and tells him you called her and said terrible things, he'll know she's lying.
That previous paragraph is mostly me being risk-averse, though -- odds are she'll just talk to you about it, and you'll both work it out. Good luck!
posted by davejay at 1:41 AM on February 4, 2009
Make sure your boyfriend is aware you're going to do this, and is in the room listening to you -- not so that you can repeat back what she says (you shouldn't) but so that if she calls him and tells him you called her and said terrible things, he'll know she's lying.
That previous paragraph is mostly me being risk-averse, though -- odds are she'll just talk to you about it, and you'll both work it out. Good luck!
posted by davejay at 1:41 AM on February 4, 2009
I know I cannot change how people feel about me and my boyfriend has made it clear to everyone that unless the mean comments and treatment towards me stop, no one will get a visit from him. I hate to put him in the middle and have told him that I cannot force him to be in the middle and even offered for us to break up so that he would not have to deal with it.
I actually think your boyfriend did exactly the right thing here, and instead of offering to break up with him, I think you should hang onto someone who sounds like an amazing guy.
Your boyfriend set a boundary, and his mother is a grownup who knows that the proper thing is to get the hell over her problem and talk things out with you. Instead, it sounds like she's chosen to play up the drama. I know this is a tough situation and your boyfriend is hurt by this, but it sounds like he's made his choice to keep you, and he's handled things very responsibly and in an adult manner. It's now his mother's responsibility to stop acting like a baby and tell you what the hell her problem is.
It's hard, but unless you have severely misrepresented the deal with the crazy ex and her reaction to it, it sounds like you and your boyfriend are doing exactly the right thing. Hang in there.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:12 AM on February 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
I actually think your boyfriend did exactly the right thing here, and instead of offering to break up with him, I think you should hang onto someone who sounds like an amazing guy.
Your boyfriend set a boundary, and his mother is a grownup who knows that the proper thing is to get the hell over her problem and talk things out with you. Instead, it sounds like she's chosen to play up the drama. I know this is a tough situation and your boyfriend is hurt by this, but it sounds like he's made his choice to keep you, and he's handled things very responsibly and in an adult manner. It's now his mother's responsibility to stop acting like a baby and tell you what the hell her problem is.
It's hard, but unless you have severely misrepresented the deal with the crazy ex and her reaction to it, it sounds like you and your boyfriend are doing exactly the right thing. Hang in there.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:12 AM on February 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
There was this big family issue a long time ago and they had lost contact with him.
Sounds like this crew has all kinds of issues. You and your boyfriend are handling this pretty well it sounds to me. The ball is in their court now.
posted by Rock Steady at 3:36 AM on February 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Sounds like this crew has all kinds of issues. You and your boyfriend are handling this pretty well it sounds to me. The ball is in their court now.
posted by Rock Steady at 3:36 AM on February 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Sounds to me like the brother's success without the family made her fearful of losing her baby son. She went from looking at your relationship as gaining a daughter to it as losing a son. There is very little you can do about this. As pointed out earlier, the fact that there was some issue with the other brother that caused him to lose contact for a while shows you the nature of the mother. Only proceed with the relationship with the boyfriend if you accept that this behavior towards you can and might continue. Do not expect it to change. It may, but do not count on it.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 4:21 AM on February 4, 2009
posted by JohnnyGunn at 4:21 AM on February 4, 2009
Oddly enough, during out whole visit, she kept bringing up who my boyfriend would pick if he had to choose, her or me.
That is amazingly not cool. What did your boyfriend say about this?
Mom sounds like bad news. If your intention is to stay with this guy, you and him both need to be on the same page with regard to how his mom is treating you.
posted by CRM114 at 4:31 AM on February 4, 2009
That is amazingly not cool. What did your boyfriend say about this?
Mom sounds like bad news. If your intention is to stay with this guy, you and him both need to be on the same page with regard to how his mom is treating you.
posted by CRM114 at 4:31 AM on February 4, 2009
I hate to put him in the middle
You are not the one putting him in the middle. She is. Doesn't really make it any easier, but the very least you can do is not assume responsibility for things you didn't do.
And for the record, the way your boyfriend is handling it sounds great. A lot of people wouldn't take the sort of stand you described. They would make all sorts of excuses and ask you to eat all sorts of shit. He sounds like a great guy.
posted by milarepa at 4:37 AM on February 4, 2009
You are not the one putting him in the middle. She is. Doesn't really make it any easier, but the very least you can do is not assume responsibility for things you didn't do.
And for the record, the way your boyfriend is handling it sounds great. A lot of people wouldn't take the sort of stand you described. They would make all sorts of excuses and ask you to eat all sorts of shit. He sounds like a great guy.
posted by milarepa at 4:37 AM on February 4, 2009
Response by poster: He IS a wonderful guy, the absolute greatest. That is why this is so heart-wrenching to watch him take a stand to his own, beloved family. Which was the only reason why I told him I would understand if he wanted to end things in the event he could no longer handle the strain with his family. To the question of "who would you choose," he answered, "I would choose the one who would not make me choose." I honestly feel that his family, especially his mother, is just having a difficult time realizing that he is an adult and is in a serious relationship (all of his other girlfriends were flat out told that his family came first). My boyfriend and I do not live in the same city as them (we live 7 hours away) and no one from his family has ever visited him. No one has seen the home we have built together or visited where he worked...so it very well could be the fact that they do not consider him as an adult.
posted by penguingrl at 4:51 AM on February 4, 2009
posted by penguingrl at 4:51 AM on February 4, 2009
She sounds as being just as much in denial as my mother. I would be quite surprised if calling her would make her tell what's going on inside her head. On the contrary, I would expect an escalation of the conflict as she goes further down the denial and saying that you are the problem.
The only problem for you is that you put this on your shoulders. This is no problem of yours, just keep the distance until she is good again, until she have grown up and have realised that behaving stupidly immature only makes loosing her son more probable rather than less.
posted by flif at 4:56 AM on February 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
The only problem for you is that you put this on your shoulders. This is no problem of yours, just keep the distance until she is good again, until she have grown up and have realised that behaving stupidly immature only makes loosing her son more probable rather than less.
posted by flif at 4:56 AM on February 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Maybe the mother is going through menopause? Sometimes hormones play a big part.
Also, you haven't mentionned your father in-law, any chance you can appeal to him to see your side and talk his wife into some sense?
posted by Vindaloo at 5:43 AM on February 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
Also, you haven't mentionned your father in-law, any chance you can appeal to him to see your side and talk his wife into some sense?
posted by Vindaloo at 5:43 AM on February 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
It already sounds like you and your boyfriend are doing exactly the right thing. Next time you go to visit them if the snarking continues, leave early again and don't visit them the next occasion when you would usually visit, give them another chance the time after that and if the situation has not improved stop visiting them altogether. He has made it clear to his family that he wont tolerate their behavior towards you and essentially put the ball in their court as to whether they want to continue their relationship with him.
I would put it out of your mind and focus on your life and relationship with your boyfriend until the next time you have to visit.
posted by missmagenta at 5:52 AM on February 4, 2009
I would put it out of your mind and focus on your life and relationship with your boyfriend until the next time you have to visit.
posted by missmagenta at 5:52 AM on February 4, 2009
How often have you been around her for such an extended period of time? Two weeks is quite awhile. People tend to keep things simple and happy for weekend visits but once things extend past two days/three nights true colors start to show.
Has your BF seen her treat other people this way?
posted by jwells at 5:55 AM on February 4, 2009
Has your BF seen her treat other people this way?
posted by jwells at 5:55 AM on February 4, 2009
I had some moments that were very drama-filled concerning a crazy ex and some friends I decided to remove from my life, and for a woman who once had a list of her future grandchildren from us, she began telling me "not to bother getting married and having kids."
What exactly happened here, and did it affect your boyfriend or his family? Did the mom hear about it, and if so, in what way? I'm in no way excusing the mom's behavior as you've described it, but this here seems to be a turning point, and more information would be useful.
posted by canine epigram at 6:06 AM on February 4, 2009
What exactly happened here, and did it affect your boyfriend or his family? Did the mom hear about it, and if so, in what way? I'm in no way excusing the mom's behavior as you've described it, but this here seems to be a turning point, and more information would be useful.
posted by canine epigram at 6:06 AM on February 4, 2009
Just a heads-up: This situation may be of your boyfriend's creation.
If he has shared ambivalence toward you with his family - and even the happiest relationships experience ambivalence - then they may not know how to deal with that, especially if they themselves are not ambivalent about what he has told them. You mention that he is very close with his family. It is not uncommon in large close families for people to talk, often, about things that might not be completely thought through.
Just be prepared for his mother to say, "My boy said you did X, Y, and Z, and he's too good for that treatment. You don't deserve him, and that's why I've been miserable to you."
Sometimes it is hard for people to contextualize what they share enough so that the recipient of the information receives it in an appropriate way. He may have incidentally interjected something like, "Goddamnit, she forgot to get the oil changed! I hate it when she does this!" into a conversation while talking to his mother, which could translate as any number of things ranging from, "She's irresponsible." to "Ugh, I hate it when she has major bio exams, she is such a diligent student that she always gets so focused on her work that she forgets the little things!" Mom wouldn't know enough at that point but would hear her boy being annoyed by someone she sees as potentially temporary. That's two points in the Hoping for Temporary column.
If this is the case, asking him to speak directly with them might be the best way to go. You can use those lines of communication to your benefit. But beyond that, she doesn't need or want to hear from you. She needs and wants to hear from her boy that she's misreading this situation and that she's made a terrible terrible mistake and has to knock it off.
posted by greekphilosophy at 6:28 AM on February 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
If he has shared ambivalence toward you with his family - and even the happiest relationships experience ambivalence - then they may not know how to deal with that, especially if they themselves are not ambivalent about what he has told them. You mention that he is very close with his family. It is not uncommon in large close families for people to talk, often, about things that might not be completely thought through.
Just be prepared for his mother to say, "My boy said you did X, Y, and Z, and he's too good for that treatment. You don't deserve him, and that's why I've been miserable to you."
Sometimes it is hard for people to contextualize what they share enough so that the recipient of the information receives it in an appropriate way. He may have incidentally interjected something like, "Goddamnit, she forgot to get the oil changed! I hate it when she does this!" into a conversation while talking to his mother, which could translate as any number of things ranging from, "She's irresponsible." to "Ugh, I hate it when she has major bio exams, she is such a diligent student that she always gets so focused on her work that she forgets the little things!" Mom wouldn't know enough at that point but would hear her boy being annoyed by someone she sees as potentially temporary. That's two points in the Hoping for Temporary column.
If this is the case, asking him to speak directly with them might be the best way to go. You can use those lines of communication to your benefit. But beyond that, she doesn't need or want to hear from you. She needs and wants to hear from her boy that she's misreading this situation and that she's made a terrible terrible mistake and has to knock it off.
posted by greekphilosophy at 6:28 AM on February 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Best answer: The normal progression is that we move from our parent's control into our own. Eventually, we leave family because it dies off, if for no other reason. It happens, anyway, even under the best of circumstances, so loss is a way of life and best to get used to it.
Volitional loss? Sometimes necessary.
You have NO obligation as a child to accomodate the bad behavior of your parents. They have the same responsibility to respect your choices, be considerate, and treat you well as do common strangers. That's what hold society together... appropriate boundaries.
When they are violated, after a reasonable effort, the offending relationships should be sidelined. Boy has a right to insist on decent behavior from his family. It's the cost they pay for having him in their lives.
I had this in my first marriage. After a multi-year string of insults, the final one was their refusal to accept my wife's name change. So I changed mine; first, middle and last. And wished them all a happy life. I would have stomped bunnies for that woman and while it took me a while to come to that conclusion, once my protection skills were honed, I used them.
First wife died, and second wife has been insulated from my birth family, though she has met most of them. I won't allow them routine access to damage her, and while I'd love to have them in my life, my life now does not include them. It's not that I don't forgive them, or hold grudges, so much. It's that I don't trust them to do the right thing and there's no way they can make up for the grief they placed on my first wife. I have better friends that I met this year, frankly.
Life has some rough patches. If you two are going to commit, part of that is shared protection from the evils of the outside world. Boy seems to be doing the right thing... fending off the muggers, as it were. You are doing the right thing... being open minded, inquisitive, and worried about the impact on the boy. It's the family that seems in error here. You do have the choice of letting him have his relationship with them, if that's what he desires, but you are not under any obligation other than the ones you place on yourself.
My mantra, "Mutually satisfying and growth producing" holds for any relationship worth preserving. If family fails that criteria, bid them farewell until they want to grow up.
posted by FauxScot at 7:03 AM on February 4, 2009 [7 favorites]
Volitional loss? Sometimes necessary.
You have NO obligation as a child to accomodate the bad behavior of your parents. They have the same responsibility to respect your choices, be considerate, and treat you well as do common strangers. That's what hold society together... appropriate boundaries.
When they are violated, after a reasonable effort, the offending relationships should be sidelined. Boy has a right to insist on decent behavior from his family. It's the cost they pay for having him in their lives.
I had this in my first marriage. After a multi-year string of insults, the final one was their refusal to accept my wife's name change. So I changed mine; first, middle and last. And wished them all a happy life. I would have stomped bunnies for that woman and while it took me a while to come to that conclusion, once my protection skills were honed, I used them.
First wife died, and second wife has been insulated from my birth family, though she has met most of them. I won't allow them routine access to damage her, and while I'd love to have them in my life, my life now does not include them. It's not that I don't forgive them, or hold grudges, so much. It's that I don't trust them to do the right thing and there's no way they can make up for the grief they placed on my first wife. I have better friends that I met this year, frankly.
Life has some rough patches. If you two are going to commit, part of that is shared protection from the evils of the outside world. Boy seems to be doing the right thing... fending off the muggers, as it were. You are doing the right thing... being open minded, inquisitive, and worried about the impact on the boy. It's the family that seems in error here. You do have the choice of letting him have his relationship with them, if that's what he desires, but you are not under any obligation other than the ones you place on yourself.
My mantra, "Mutually satisfying and growth producing" holds for any relationship worth preserving. If family fails that criteria, bid them farewell until they want to grow up.
posted by FauxScot at 7:03 AM on February 4, 2009 [7 favorites]
I'm not a psychiatrist, but maybe she has mental problems. Maybe it would actually help you to think that she had mental problems, regardless of whether she does or not, so you won't take her so seriously anymore. These are her problems and you should just ignore her. She doesn't seem like a reasonable person at all.
posted by anniecat at 7:07 AM on February 4, 2009
posted by anniecat at 7:07 AM on February 4, 2009
she kept bringing up who my boyfriend would pick if he had to choose, her or me.
Oooo this is creepy. There is no good reason for a woman with a healthy relationship with her son to ask that question. Grown men should never have to pick between another woman and their mother. Ick. Ick. Ick. The very best spin I can put on this is that she is, indeed, a Drama Queen.
The most important thing for you to do in this situation is remember that you and your boyfriend are fully responsible grown-ups. You live in your own home, you pay the bills, you are independent. Act like it. Come to her as an equal, not as younger woman to older or quasi-daughter-in-law to MIL. What you want is information on how to proceed with this relationship. If you feel up to it, next time you go for a visit, make an effort to get her alone and get all the cards out on the table. I recommend an in-person interview, because it will be easier to get to the bottom than if you try doing it over the phone, for one thing you will be able to read her body language.
If she doesn't want to be alone with you, then it will have to be with the whole family with your boyfriend on your side. This is second choice because there is more scope for drama, but if the two of you act coolly and rationally and show clearly that you don't know what has caused this change, maybe some other family member will fill you in. Or it may shame the mother into treating you differently. The most important thing is to act like two adults who are truly puzzled. Don't get mad. Don't get defensive. Be analytical. Accept any and all olive branches.
If you are being honest with us, than you have nothing to fear. His mother is stirring up trouble for her own personal reason, you just have to get that reason out in the open in the full light of day so it can shrivel up and die.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 7:38 AM on February 4, 2009
Oooo this is creepy. There is no good reason for a woman with a healthy relationship with her son to ask that question. Grown men should never have to pick between another woman and their mother. Ick. Ick. Ick. The very best spin I can put on this is that she is, indeed, a Drama Queen.
The most important thing for you to do in this situation is remember that you and your boyfriend are fully responsible grown-ups. You live in your own home, you pay the bills, you are independent. Act like it. Come to her as an equal, not as younger woman to older or quasi-daughter-in-law to MIL. What you want is information on how to proceed with this relationship. If you feel up to it, next time you go for a visit, make an effort to get her alone and get all the cards out on the table. I recommend an in-person interview, because it will be easier to get to the bottom than if you try doing it over the phone, for one thing you will be able to read her body language.
If she doesn't want to be alone with you, then it will have to be with the whole family with your boyfriend on your side. This is second choice because there is more scope for drama, but if the two of you act coolly and rationally and show clearly that you don't know what has caused this change, maybe some other family member will fill you in. Or it may shame the mother into treating you differently. The most important thing is to act like two adults who are truly puzzled. Don't get mad. Don't get defensive. Be analytical. Accept any and all olive branches.
If you are being honest with us, than you have nothing to fear. His mother is stirring up trouble for her own personal reason, you just have to get that reason out in the open in the full light of day so it can shrivel up and die.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 7:38 AM on February 4, 2009
Response by poster: I've never considered the menopause thing...but she has usually been pretty distant to all of the other girlfriends she disliked. One girlfriend, from what I hear from the rest of the family, she never even spoke to. I mean, literally no acknowledgement of existence. I see what all of you are saying...she could be having difficulty letting her baby go and that this is her issue. It is just so odd...she adored me in the beginning. I mean called, texted, etc. all the time. And once my boyfriend's brother and his wife came into the picture, everything stopped. And every time we would come to visit, it would be all about them and how great their lives were and how we were "living in sin" by not being married.
To canine epigram, the issues concerning the ex and my old friends had nothing to do with her or their family and she only heard about them from me in passing through our catch-up conversations. Though, I now regret letting his family into my life like that. Issues that did not involve her are now being used as ammunition against me and my character. I tell you, it was an absolute slap in the face to hear that I "had to be the center of attention" and "loved to be in drama" considering the year my boyfriend and I had.
posted by penguingrl at 8:07 AM on February 4, 2009
To canine epigram, the issues concerning the ex and my old friends had nothing to do with her or their family and she only heard about them from me in passing through our catch-up conversations. Though, I now regret letting his family into my life like that. Issues that did not involve her are now being used as ammunition against me and my character. I tell you, it was an absolute slap in the face to hear that I "had to be the center of attention" and "loved to be in drama" considering the year my boyfriend and I had.
posted by penguingrl at 8:07 AM on February 4, 2009
Sounds like you guys are handling a tough situation well. My only suggestion would be here:
my boyfriend has made it clear to everyone that unless the mean comments and treatment towards me stop, no one will get a visit from him.
I think ultimatums like this tend to work best when they're very limited and specific and generally hold the door open as much as possible. Eg, to an alcoholic, say "I won't hang out with you when you're drunk, but I'd love to see you otherwise," instead of "I won't ever hang out with you until you quit drinking." I'm not sure where his statement falls, but to preserve goodwill over the long run, something like "I / we would like to visit you, but we will have to leave if there are any mean comments" might be best. More difficult on you guys, but better at giving them multiple chances rather than forcing them to call up and say "ok, we've stopped the mean comments entirely."
posted by salvia at 8:31 AM on February 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
my boyfriend has made it clear to everyone that unless the mean comments and treatment towards me stop, no one will get a visit from him.
I think ultimatums like this tend to work best when they're very limited and specific and generally hold the door open as much as possible. Eg, to an alcoholic, say "I won't hang out with you when you're drunk, but I'd love to see you otherwise," instead of "I won't ever hang out with you until you quit drinking." I'm not sure where his statement falls, but to preserve goodwill over the long run, something like "I / we would like to visit you, but we will have to leave if there are any mean comments" might be best. More difficult on you guys, but better at giving them multiple chances rather than forcing them to call up and say "ok, we've stopped the mean comments entirely."
posted by salvia at 8:31 AM on February 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
Ooh, reading that follow-up, it sounds like there is something more serious and psychological going on than I had thought. I'm not sure keeping the door as open as possible (my previous suggestion) is really the right thing to do, so I take that back.
posted by salvia at 8:34 AM on February 4, 2009
posted by salvia at 8:34 AM on February 4, 2009
I hate to put him in the middle
You haven't. It's his responsibility to be the buffer between his family and his SO when his family misbehaves. The history of his mom's bad behavior toward all his girlfriends suggests to me that he needs to change his strategy. He shouldn't keep introducing girlfriends, expecting his mom to behave appropriately, and then giving an ultimatum when she fails to do so. Can he talk to his dad, if his mom won't have a conversation about it?
posted by Meg_Murry at 10:34 AM on February 4, 2009
You haven't. It's his responsibility to be the buffer between his family and his SO when his family misbehaves. The history of his mom's bad behavior toward all his girlfriends suggests to me that he needs to change his strategy. He shouldn't keep introducing girlfriends, expecting his mom to behave appropriately, and then giving an ultimatum when she fails to do so. Can he talk to his dad, if his mom won't have a conversation about it?
posted by Meg_Murry at 10:34 AM on February 4, 2009
She sounds mentally disturbed. Does your boyfriend seem very surprised by this behavior, as though it came completely out of the blue? Or do you get the the sense that he's seen dramatic and abusive behavior from his mother before (not necessarily against him)?
If it seems totally out of character and weird, perhaps she is physically unwell and it's affecting her mental processes. However, if you get the sense that this is similar to behavior she's had in the past, maybe she has a history of choosing "favorites" and scapegoats... fawning over one person (or couple) in the family, while verbally abusing others. If this is the case, whew - it's going to be a rough time for you, and you'll need to learn to protect yourself from the crazy. I can understand right now that you are hoping there is some explanation, some concrete thing that can be rectified and your relationship can go back to the old way, but if this is serial behavior, you mustn't allow yourself to get drawn into a constant drama of always walking on eggshells, trying to please her, and forever feeling tortured that something might snap and make her hate you again.
So if it all seems really out of character to people who know her well, she should probably get a good medical examination (which, of course, someone other than yourself should convince her of) since various serious medical conditions can cause personality change. But if you detect a "oh, she gets like this" vibe, I'd suggest reading up about things like narcissistic personality disorder so that you can learn to insulate yourself from her excesses and avoid manipulation. (Not saying that she necessarily has that disorder - who knows! - but you can learn what you need to know to protect yourself from similar abuse.)
posted by taz at 10:36 AM on February 4, 2009
If it seems totally out of character and weird, perhaps she is physically unwell and it's affecting her mental processes. However, if you get the sense that this is similar to behavior she's had in the past, maybe she has a history of choosing "favorites" and scapegoats... fawning over one person (or couple) in the family, while verbally abusing others. If this is the case, whew - it's going to be a rough time for you, and you'll need to learn to protect yourself from the crazy. I can understand right now that you are hoping there is some explanation, some concrete thing that can be rectified and your relationship can go back to the old way, but if this is serial behavior, you mustn't allow yourself to get drawn into a constant drama of always walking on eggshells, trying to please her, and forever feeling tortured that something might snap and make her hate you again.
So if it all seems really out of character to people who know her well, she should probably get a good medical examination (which, of course, someone other than yourself should convince her of) since various serious medical conditions can cause personality change. But if you detect a "oh, she gets like this" vibe, I'd suggest reading up about things like narcissistic personality disorder so that you can learn to insulate yourself from her excesses and avoid manipulation. (Not saying that she necessarily has that disorder - who knows! - but you can learn what you need to know to protect yourself from similar abuse.)
posted by taz at 10:36 AM on February 4, 2009
Wow on a couple counts. Your BF sounds like a tremendous person and there have been a lot of good observations.
I had a front-row seat to a close friend's semi-similar experience so maybe a worthwhile thought or two from that. He met a gal when he was in his mid-20s. He's an only child, he's a good bit more educated than the gal, his parents have considerably more money (well into seven figures) than her parents, my friend's white, the woman is Chinese-Cambodian.
After several months of happy dating, no possible red flags noted by my friend, no sense of major compatibility issues, his mom said, "dump her," like mom was asking my friend to tell her the time. She was serious, talked about how she was out for his money, their money that would become his when they died, etc. Not pretty.
(I gently asked my friend if he had a sense of what was up with his mom, if there was a sense of possible mental-health issues, if it was menopause, another woman being his No. 1, etc., trying to be delicate. He said, "Honestly, my mom can be a real bitch.")
What got my friend through that--and I don't know if this is possible worth your situation--is that mom eventually realized some basic realities: he was not going to leave her because his mom said to, if mom made it so much of an issue that he had to choose, he would not choose mom; and if she somehow managed to make things so uncomfortable that they did break up, it would operationally and otherwise cause deeply ugly problems for a very long time.
Now mom's fine with it, mom and the GF shop, cook, etc., together.
Different people, to be sure, but sounds like, as was the case with my friend, the BF's got a wise approach toward his mom of (in a nutshell) here's how it is and here are your choices. your choices--your choices--will have a major bearing on how things will be between you and I, but they categorically will not affect things 'tween me and my sweetie.
That aside, not sure if anyone's mentioned this, but would it be viable for the three of you to sit down and try to clear the air?
posted by ambient2 at 10:46 AM on February 4, 2009
I had a front-row seat to a close friend's semi-similar experience so maybe a worthwhile thought or two from that. He met a gal when he was in his mid-20s. He's an only child, he's a good bit more educated than the gal, his parents have considerably more money (well into seven figures) than her parents, my friend's white, the woman is Chinese-Cambodian.
After several months of happy dating, no possible red flags noted by my friend, no sense of major compatibility issues, his mom said, "dump her," like mom was asking my friend to tell her the time. She was serious, talked about how she was out for his money, their money that would become his when they died, etc. Not pretty.
(I gently asked my friend if he had a sense of what was up with his mom, if there was a sense of possible mental-health issues, if it was menopause, another woman being his No. 1, etc., trying to be delicate. He said, "Honestly, my mom can be a real bitch.")
What got my friend through that--and I don't know if this is possible worth your situation--is that mom eventually realized some basic realities: he was not going to leave her because his mom said to, if mom made it so much of an issue that he had to choose, he would not choose mom; and if she somehow managed to make things so uncomfortable that they did break up, it would operationally and otherwise cause deeply ugly problems for a very long time.
Now mom's fine with it, mom and the GF shop, cook, etc., together.
Different people, to be sure, but sounds like, as was the case with my friend, the BF's got a wise approach toward his mom of (in a nutshell) here's how it is and here are your choices. your choices--your choices--will have a major bearing on how things will be between you and I, but they categorically will not affect things 'tween me and my sweetie.
That aside, not sure if anyone's mentioned this, but would it be viable for the three of you to sit down and try to clear the air?
posted by ambient2 at 10:46 AM on February 4, 2009
have you spoken to your boyfriend's brother? Are they close? I'm interested on what his take on all this is. What about the brother's wife?
posted by changeling at 10:52 AM on February 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by changeling at 10:52 AM on February 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
It sounds like your MIL may have borderline personality disorder. Oftentimes, people with this problem will flip on you, going from love to hate overnight. They are unable to see a person as a whole, and therefore they split you into the "good you" and the "bad you." And since they're prone to overreact, the least little thing can make them change.
If she does have BPD, in order to recover she will need intensive therapy. Unfortunately, one of the hallmarks of the disorder is that people with it think they don't need help and the problem is all the other person's. It often takes hitting bottom before they are willing to get help. Then, the road to recovery is long and arduous. It's a truly heartbreaking disability. I suggest you and your BF read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" for a big picture of BPD and how to deal with it.
Your MIL is middle-aged. If she has lived with BPD all her life, she may not be likely to want to change at this point, as her entire life has probably been set up to compensate for her moods without her even realizing it. I bet she has plenty of enablers.
In any case, it's not you, Penguingrl. It's her. And your BF does sound like a gem to be handling it this way. You are his partner and come first now.
If you can detach with compassion, that is probably the best way of dealing with her. I think you should figure out if she has BPD before you decide to try to "work things out" with her, and if you can speak to a therapist about this issue, that would also help.
posted by xenophile at 11:13 AM on February 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
If she does have BPD, in order to recover she will need intensive therapy. Unfortunately, one of the hallmarks of the disorder is that people with it think they don't need help and the problem is all the other person's. It often takes hitting bottom before they are willing to get help. Then, the road to recovery is long and arduous. It's a truly heartbreaking disability. I suggest you and your BF read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" for a big picture of BPD and how to deal with it.
Your MIL is middle-aged. If she has lived with BPD all her life, she may not be likely to want to change at this point, as her entire life has probably been set up to compensate for her moods without her even realizing it. I bet she has plenty of enablers.
In any case, it's not you, Penguingrl. It's her. And your BF does sound like a gem to be handling it this way. You are his partner and come first now.
If you can detach with compassion, that is probably the best way of dealing with her. I think you should figure out if she has BPD before you decide to try to "work things out" with her, and if you can speak to a therapist about this issue, that would also help.
posted by xenophile at 11:13 AM on February 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
Are there any race or religion issues at play? I've definitely seen the situation where the family was fine with their kid dating someone of a different race/religion until they got a little older and/or more serious and they realize this relationship may last and god forbid their kids might be mixed race or raised in a different religion. I don't really have a lot of advice if this is the case other than your boyfriend needs to stand very firm and eventually she will realize if she wants to be a part of his life she has to accept you.
posted by whoaali at 1:28 PM on February 4, 2009
posted by whoaali at 1:28 PM on February 4, 2009
I feel for you - on my first visit to my pseudo-in-laws my boyfriend told me "We won't be coming here again, because Mum doesn't like you". That was 20 years ago and I was incredibly hurt, and it hung over my head for a long time. He too was the youngest, the favourite and her baby. She now loves me, although it took a few years. The first Christmas card I got from them (she's a stickler for etiquette, my MIL) said "To: andraste. From: (boyfriend's surname) Family." A couple of years later it had turned into "To our dear andraste, with much love".
There are two interesting points coming up in your story for me; one is that your previous visit took place after your BF's grandmother's death, and the other is that your BF's brother has come back into their lives. Those are two massive upheavals.
Was the grandmother your MIL's mother? I have now seen two people close to me display what I would describe as bizarre behaviour and personality changes after the death of a beloved parent. In both cases it was not until the immediate hassles of the funeral, etc, were over, and in both cases other people around them were very hurt by some of the things said or done. I would guess (not having gone through it myself) that it conjures up all kinds of deep emotional fears and that some people react to that by becoming controlling, or hostile towards anything they perceive as any kind of threat. Something very irrational may be going on in your MIL's head and it might settle down, given time.
Do you know whether the crisis that precipitated the departure of the brother was anything to do with a girlfriend? That might give you a clue; maybe all those issues have been brought back into play. What about the rest of the family's behaviour towards you - how do the brother and his wife react, in particular?
Don't offer to break up; that puts all of you in a terrible position. Sadly, I don't think there's a lot you can do other than be sweet and gracious, especially if her attitude is as deeply irrational and emotional as it seems to be.
posted by andraste at 1:55 PM on February 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
There are two interesting points coming up in your story for me; one is that your previous visit took place after your BF's grandmother's death, and the other is that your BF's brother has come back into their lives. Those are two massive upheavals.
Was the grandmother your MIL's mother? I have now seen two people close to me display what I would describe as bizarre behaviour and personality changes after the death of a beloved parent. In both cases it was not until the immediate hassles of the funeral, etc, were over, and in both cases other people around them were very hurt by some of the things said or done. I would guess (not having gone through it myself) that it conjures up all kinds of deep emotional fears and that some people react to that by becoming controlling, or hostile towards anything they perceive as any kind of threat. Something very irrational may be going on in your MIL's head and it might settle down, given time.
Do you know whether the crisis that precipitated the departure of the brother was anything to do with a girlfriend? That might give you a clue; maybe all those issues have been brought back into play. What about the rest of the family's behaviour towards you - how do the brother and his wife react, in particular?
Don't offer to break up; that puts all of you in a terrible position. Sadly, I don't think there's a lot you can do other than be sweet and gracious, especially if her attitude is as deeply irrational and emotional as it seems to be.
posted by andraste at 1:55 PM on February 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: 1. but would it be viable for the three of you to sit down and try to clear the air?
2. Was the grandmother your MIL's mother?
3. have you spoken to your boyfriend's brother? Are they close? I'm interested on what his take on all this is. What about the brother's wife?
Question 1:
No. My boyfriend tested the waters a few weeks ago and her response was just as hurtful and immature as it was from Christmas. Some have stated that confronting her would just escalate the issue, and I agree.
Question 2:
As we were leaving, my boyfriend's grandmother announced in front of everyone that "there are a million girls in the sea to be the right girl for you, but you only have one mother." So that about sums up how the matriarchs of that family feel about me. As far as my boyfriend's dad, well, this family is run by its women and the men really have no other option but to let them run wild with their opinions otherwise they will deal with the wrath themselves.
Question 3:
His brother will not speak to us. My boyfriend's mother has told them that ever since they have been back, I have lost a great deal of attention since I was no longer the ONLY daughter in law. This, of course, if completely untrue and my boyfriend and I have done nothing but tried to involve them in everything and even invite them into our home when they were in tow. They are not close and, in fact, his brother coming back into the picture caused more of an issue between my boyfriend and his mother because she would go visit the brother and his home and meet his friends, but she had never done that with my boyfriend. I mentioned this to her, which could have been to my detriment, because I know she became upset when I called her out on this. But it has been a long running issue and even my boyfriend has stated that he feels that his mother has made no effort to make herself part of his adult life. His brother's wife is very close to his mother and has treated me like crap since the moment I met her, but I feel this had more to do with the fact that I was close to the family before she came back and she was just insecure about being the "new person."
All in all, we are on our own. No one from his family will talk to me and the very rare times they do, everyone pretends that nothing happened and the issue is not brought up. When they do talk to my boyfriend, they act as if everything is peachy keen and they have nothing to apologize for and that I am the monster for making him choose me over his family. For the other posts above, about the different social classes, our families are very similar in financial bracket and educational background. As far as our life together, in the beginning, I have heard his mother say that when she was his age, she did not have anywhere near the lifestyle we have now (we have a very nice place and are very financially capable and stable adults). I always took this as a compliment but for those of you who have suggested that she is having issues letting go of her son, it makes me wonder if this is another aspect of our lives that she is somehow jealous of.
posted by penguingrl at 2:48 PM on February 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
2. Was the grandmother your MIL's mother?
3. have you spoken to your boyfriend's brother? Are they close? I'm interested on what his take on all this is. What about the brother's wife?
Question 1:
No. My boyfriend tested the waters a few weeks ago and her response was just as hurtful and immature as it was from Christmas. Some have stated that confronting her would just escalate the issue, and I agree.
Question 2:
As we were leaving, my boyfriend's grandmother announced in front of everyone that "there are a million girls in the sea to be the right girl for you, but you only have one mother." So that about sums up how the matriarchs of that family feel about me. As far as my boyfriend's dad, well, this family is run by its women and the men really have no other option but to let them run wild with their opinions otherwise they will deal with the wrath themselves.
Question 3:
His brother will not speak to us. My boyfriend's mother has told them that ever since they have been back, I have lost a great deal of attention since I was no longer the ONLY daughter in law. This, of course, if completely untrue and my boyfriend and I have done nothing but tried to involve them in everything and even invite them into our home when they were in tow. They are not close and, in fact, his brother coming back into the picture caused more of an issue between my boyfriend and his mother because she would go visit the brother and his home and meet his friends, but she had never done that with my boyfriend. I mentioned this to her, which could have been to my detriment, because I know she became upset when I called her out on this. But it has been a long running issue and even my boyfriend has stated that he feels that his mother has made no effort to make herself part of his adult life. His brother's wife is very close to his mother and has treated me like crap since the moment I met her, but I feel this had more to do with the fact that I was close to the family before she came back and she was just insecure about being the "new person."
All in all, we are on our own. No one from his family will talk to me and the very rare times they do, everyone pretends that nothing happened and the issue is not brought up. When they do talk to my boyfriend, they act as if everything is peachy keen and they have nothing to apologize for and that I am the monster for making him choose me over his family. For the other posts above, about the different social classes, our families are very similar in financial bracket and educational background. As far as our life together, in the beginning, I have heard his mother say that when she was his age, she did not have anywhere near the lifestyle we have now (we have a very nice place and are very financially capable and stable adults). I always took this as a compliment but for those of you who have suggested that she is having issues letting go of her son, it makes me wonder if this is another aspect of our lives that she is somehow jealous of.
posted by penguingrl at 2:48 PM on February 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
I have been there, my boyfriend defends me just as yours does you. Right now my family is attacking my boyfriend, also to do with my sibling, and I am defending him. These situations have made our relationship incredibly strong.
Stay out of it and let him defend you. Don't threaten to leave him, you want to POSITIVELY reinforce his behavior.
Don't worry about the whys, etc. They don't matter. We will never understand another family's dynamics fully, or how to fully integrate with them.
posted by Acer_saccharum at 6:22 PM on February 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Stay out of it and let him defend you. Don't threaten to leave him, you want to POSITIVELY reinforce his behavior.
Don't worry about the whys, etc. They don't matter. We will never understand another family's dynamics fully, or how to fully integrate with them.
posted by Acer_saccharum at 6:22 PM on February 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Your follow-up about the family dynamic made me want to add: Sometimes you just have to accept that family members--due to some sort of emotional trauma, mental illness, or just out of spite--are unreasonable and unkind, and they're not going to get better any time soon. In those cases, one does end up having to choose a partner over family: and that's ok. They can rail against it all they want, but it's healthier to focus on strengthening your relationship with each other than to keep hoping and trying and appeasing the family out of a delusion that if you just say the right thing or make the right move, they'll come around. I feel strongly about this because there is at least one marriage in my extended family that survived because the couple was willing to forego a close relationship with the in-laws for a few years. The in-laws would pretend nothing was wrong and act hurt that the couple wouldn't participate in family gatherings (or would do so in a limited way), but the couple stood their ground and said "X, Y, and Z happened last time we came for Thanksgiving and we're not willing to expose ourselves to that again, so unless you're ready to talk about how to make things different, we'll be staying home." After a few years, the in-laws calmed down and got their act together (sort of). YMMV. Anyway, my point is just, it sounds like you have a great thing going with your boyfriend, so I hope you and he won't feel guilty for enjoying your relationship and letting the rest of the family stew for a bit.
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:22 PM on February 4, 2009
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:22 PM on February 4, 2009
You mention that your boyfriend's grandmother recently died the last time you'd visited. I don't know how helpful this is, but sometimes deaths close to people make them act meanly towards people they previously thought the world of. I wish I could explain why, but I don't understand it.
For example, my father died last year. Before that, my mom was really loving and kind towards people that were close to her, notably me and my aunt (her sister). Since my dad died, my mom has been a real bitch to both of us, and we were the ones that were there for her the most. My mom started making lots of shitty snide remarks to us, and we're both very confused by this. For example, I'm living with my mom for three months now because she wanted me to while my husband finishes his thesis (our lease was up in December and he's staying with his brother near the college until he's done at the end of February). I figure while I'm here I should get a job and help her pay her back mortgage so she doesn't lose her house. Since I'm only going to be here until the end of February and can't get a "real" job for that short a period of time, I just took a restaurant job. I'm giving her every single cent I make, and she has not had to spend any money on me either. She never asked for any money, but I made sure she was okay with my working to help her out, and she was enthusiastic about it.
So imagine how shocked and hurt I was when she randomly said, "Does it bother you that you're 24 with a college degree and working at a restaurant?" She was very cruel about it, too, like I'm some sort of loser when there's no other job I could have gotten really. She also says shitty, cynical things about my writing full-time previously when she was the one who had been pressuring me to do so since high school. She makes crappy comments about my aunt sleeping in late on weekends (just for example) when it has nothing to do with her and doesn't effect anyone. This is just the sort of thing she's been saying to/about people who are nice to her since my dad died. I can't explain it.
As for how to deal with it... well, I don't say anything. I tried saying something for a while and it doesn't go anywhere productive. I talked to my aunt about it and she said that's just how she's been since my dad died, and she gave up saying anything either.
It's a crappy situation and I really struggled with it for a while. That's when I decided I would just keep being nice to her no matter what she said to me. I considered all possible solutions and that seemed the best. The way I look at it is this: obviously something not having a lot to do with me is what's upsetting her. It doesn't sound like your mother-in-law being a bitch has much to do with you either, since you behaved impeccably before it started. I don't want to disown my mom because she's going through a rough time. In your case, trouble with in-laws could end the relationship, or make your SO unhappy at the very least, so it's not worth disowning either. If trying to talk about it sends your mother-in-law into defensive, play-the-victim stance -- as it does my mother -- well, your only option is to be as nice as possible. Why? Because at the very least, you give them less rope to hang you with; they look bad and you don't; you have the satisfaction of knowing that you did everything you could and that you cannot control their actions.
But the most important reason, I think, is because it makes it easier to take these things less personally, or at least that has been my experience. I mostly just feel bad for my mom, instead of hurt or angry. My mom made another shitty comment about my job tonight but it has just quit effecting me much, so there was no big argument or anything. (It helped that it was a passive aggressive kind of comment that I could pretend not to see the malice in.) Whatever leads her to say those kinds of things is wholly her problem, and I can't control that. You keep saying you "don't know what you did" -- stop thinking that way. You didn't do anything. Something unfortunate has happened to your mother-in-law, regardless of the myriad of possible causes, and for whatever reason, it's making her act this way. If you try to think of it in terms of your having done something, you're thinking of it in terms of your deserving it for some reason you haven't yet figured out. You don't deserve to be treated that way. People still will, but you don't have to let it bother you.
If you keep being nice, if you keep visiting, your mother-in-law won't have a whole lot to work with. Your SO won't have to choose between the two of you. You won't have to worry about future children not knowing their father's family. This is greatly dependent on your learning not to let it bother you, so you have to be the stronger one here. Your SO might eventually have reason to disown her, but he has to make that decision himself. As it stands right now, not visiting is giving her a lot of ammunition to make you look bad.
posted by Nattie at 12:07 AM on February 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
For example, my father died last year. Before that, my mom was really loving and kind towards people that were close to her, notably me and my aunt (her sister). Since my dad died, my mom has been a real bitch to both of us, and we were the ones that were there for her the most. My mom started making lots of shitty snide remarks to us, and we're both very confused by this. For example, I'm living with my mom for three months now because she wanted me to while my husband finishes his thesis (our lease was up in December and he's staying with his brother near the college until he's done at the end of February). I figure while I'm here I should get a job and help her pay her back mortgage so she doesn't lose her house. Since I'm only going to be here until the end of February and can't get a "real" job for that short a period of time, I just took a restaurant job. I'm giving her every single cent I make, and she has not had to spend any money on me either. She never asked for any money, but I made sure she was okay with my working to help her out, and she was enthusiastic about it.
So imagine how shocked and hurt I was when she randomly said, "Does it bother you that you're 24 with a college degree and working at a restaurant?" She was very cruel about it, too, like I'm some sort of loser when there's no other job I could have gotten really. She also says shitty, cynical things about my writing full-time previously when she was the one who had been pressuring me to do so since high school. She makes crappy comments about my aunt sleeping in late on weekends (just for example) when it has nothing to do with her and doesn't effect anyone. This is just the sort of thing she's been saying to/about people who are nice to her since my dad died. I can't explain it.
As for how to deal with it... well, I don't say anything. I tried saying something for a while and it doesn't go anywhere productive. I talked to my aunt about it and she said that's just how she's been since my dad died, and she gave up saying anything either.
It's a crappy situation and I really struggled with it for a while. That's when I decided I would just keep being nice to her no matter what she said to me. I considered all possible solutions and that seemed the best. The way I look at it is this: obviously something not having a lot to do with me is what's upsetting her. It doesn't sound like your mother-in-law being a bitch has much to do with you either, since you behaved impeccably before it started. I don't want to disown my mom because she's going through a rough time. In your case, trouble with in-laws could end the relationship, or make your SO unhappy at the very least, so it's not worth disowning either. If trying to talk about it sends your mother-in-law into defensive, play-the-victim stance -- as it does my mother -- well, your only option is to be as nice as possible. Why? Because at the very least, you give them less rope to hang you with; they look bad and you don't; you have the satisfaction of knowing that you did everything you could and that you cannot control their actions.
But the most important reason, I think, is because it makes it easier to take these things less personally, or at least that has been my experience. I mostly just feel bad for my mom, instead of hurt or angry. My mom made another shitty comment about my job tonight but it has just quit effecting me much, so there was no big argument or anything. (It helped that it was a passive aggressive kind of comment that I could pretend not to see the malice in.) Whatever leads her to say those kinds of things is wholly her problem, and I can't control that. You keep saying you "don't know what you did" -- stop thinking that way. You didn't do anything. Something unfortunate has happened to your mother-in-law, regardless of the myriad of possible causes, and for whatever reason, it's making her act this way. If you try to think of it in terms of your having done something, you're thinking of it in terms of your deserving it for some reason you haven't yet figured out. You don't deserve to be treated that way. People still will, but you don't have to let it bother you.
If you keep being nice, if you keep visiting, your mother-in-law won't have a whole lot to work with. Your SO won't have to choose between the two of you. You won't have to worry about future children not knowing their father's family. This is greatly dependent on your learning not to let it bother you, so you have to be the stronger one here. Your SO might eventually have reason to disown her, but he has to make that decision himself. As it stands right now, not visiting is giving her a lot of ammunition to make you look bad.
posted by Nattie at 12:07 AM on February 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
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Can't your boyfriend just politely ask his mother what her problem is?
Issuing ultimatums in a vacuum doesn't usually work out so well.
posted by benzenedream at 1:23 AM on February 4, 2009 [1 favorite]