How do I turn a one-night stand into more?

February 2, 2009 1:29 PM

How do you turn a particularly enjoyable one-night stand into something more? Lots of overanalysis and fairly NSFW details inside.

Background details: I am female, straight, and in my early 20s.

A few nights ago, a close friend of mine had a few people over for drinks. One of them is someone I've met on multiple occasions. I'd call this guy a close acquaintance, but not a friend, since we don't see each other outside of social situations involving our mutual friend. We've always had things to talk about, though, and we flirted pretty egregiously at a party last year, but nothing came of it because I was seeing someone. I really enjoy talking to this guy, and it seems he enjoys my company as well. We have a lot of common ground, and tend to settle into an easy banter.

Aaaaanyway. So we're at our friend's apartment, and the booze is flowing pretty freely. At some point this guy and I make a toast to rough sex, though now I'm not certain how that particular subject came up. Oops. Someone pops a movie in, and all of a sudden we're holding hands (which has never been a part of any drunken hookups I had hitherto experienced, so I mention it here fwiw).

Long story short, we go back to his place and proceed to have the roughest, most violent sex of my life. I'm talking slapping, punching, biting, the works. I've been hit during sex before, and knew I enjoyed being submissive, but I've never reciprocated the beat-down before. It was more wrestling than sex, and it was awesome.

We exchanged numbers in the morning, and he kissed me thoroughly when I left. I would really, really like to see him again, but don't really know the protocol for turning a one-night stand into a more. Do I just come clean and say, "Listen, I still have bruises and would like more, plzkthnx?" or should I suggest something more along the lines of an actual date? I would not be adverse to a real date, since he's a pretty cool guy, but I have no idea how well that would go over. Should I take the fact that he's made no further overtures save responding to one of my texts as a sign? Should I wait a couple of days and see what transpires? Guys, when you have one-night stands, do you allow for the possibility of more? Should I just chill the fuck out and write it off as a learning experience?

posted by anonymous to human relations (7 comments total)

Oh for fucks sake, stop thinking and just CALL him already.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 1:37 PM on February 2 [17 favorites]

if you want to fuck him, let him know. your "i still have bruises and would like more" line would work on any interested Dom/rough sex participant i've ever known.

don't spend so much time trying to figure out what he wants - figure out what you want. do you want a fuck buddy? do you want a relationship? do you just want to see where things go? decide that and proceed accordingly.

from my experience, don't try to make up any grand date plans, as what you liked about this was the utter wrongness of it all. i'd say, go get laid and then see if you feel like going to dinner with him. let things progress naturally without overthinking "is this what we should be doing, where is this going, does he like me". either it'll work or it won't, but hopefully you'll have some mind blowing sex in the mean time.
posted by nadawi at 1:38 PM on February 2 [1 favorite]

Do I just come clean and say, "Listen, I still have bruises and would like more, plzkthnx?"

Well, if that's what you want, then you should say it. It gets the message across and doesn't sound pushy or clingy which are two things that might drive him away. Of course it all depends what you want out of this...
posted by ob at 1:51 PM on February 2

Do I just come clean and say, "Listen, I still have bruises and would like more, plzkthnx?" or should I suggest something more along the lines of an actual date?

Ok, so what I hear you saying here is ¨Dear AskMe, should I start dating this guy or start a torrid sexual relationship? Which do I choose?¨

Look, if you really can´t decide which it´s going to be, flip a coin. If you want to start dating you go on a date, and if you want to have more wild sex you have more wild sex. Calling really late at night or leaving sexually explicit messages is generally taken to be a sign that dating is not what one is after, but Y(or his)MMV.

On preview: If all you want is more wild sex, just call him and say ¨I want more wild sex.¨ You don´t need to feel guilty about this. Even if he turns you down for some reason he´ll probably feel pretty positive about the request.
posted by yohko at 5:09 PM on February 2

having wild sex and a relationship aren't mutually exclusive. you can have wild sex and then have a relationship.
posted by nadawi at 5:23 PM on February 2 [1 favorite]

Guys, when you have one-night stands, do you allow for the possibility of more?

Dudes who have awesome one-night-stand sex almost always want more of the same. Nthing telling him that you want more. If there's a relationship in there somewhere, it will come out between beating sex sessions.
posted by Simon Barclay at 8:20 PM on February 2

I don't think she only wants more sex, she wants "something more," evidenced by her mention of the "great conversations" and "common ground."

If I knew the answer to your question, a lot of my relationships would have turned out differently. But short answer: "You don't, unless he wants to."

You should definitely hear from him again if he's interested in more anything. If he wants more sex, he'll let you know. It sounds like it was obvious that you had a good time, and he's obviously not shy, right? You should at least get a text or a call about more sex. Unless he's seeing someone else in some capacity -- do you know enough about him to know about this?

I'd try to find out, through mutual friends/acquaintances, whether he has a girlfriend or a serious fuck buddy or something. If not, I'd try sending a text like, "I still have bruises..." If you don't hear from after that then that to me would be pretty clear.
posted by thebazilist at 10:02 AM on February 3