Grad School Blues

February 2, 2009 4:36 AM

Thinking about leaving grad school (maybe for good?). What's the best "next step"?

I'm currently halfway through a humanities graduate program at a prestigious university, and am tremendously unhappy. I love my program, and I really like what I do. The first two years were amazing, incredibly stimulating, and made me realize that this is something I might actually be WANT TO DO with my life. Since then, though, I have really lost my sense of direction -- and, after two or three nervous breakdowns and a LOT of soul-searching, I don't think I can honestly be good to myself, stay alive, stay sane, and keep doing what I'm doing.

The problems are standard: I'm in my qualifying year, and am incredibly frustrated with my field -- a problem not helped by the fact that I haven't connected well with my adviser, and really haven't made the kind of progress I want to make. My work hasn't been as strong as I've wanted it to be, and I feel like my adviser is really too busy / too disconnected to invest time in someone who's still trying to figure these things out. At the same time, I'm also getting frustrated with my field (right now, literary work, focusing on British modernism in the 20th century -- a really small niche). The stuff I'm most interested in working on is political theory and cultural history proper: I don't feel like my training is really preparing me for this, but l also feel I don't have time or space to make a change, due to the overwhelming pressure forward with the job market.

I feel like I need to adjust, redirect, and maybe switch fields, or at least figure out a better working relationship with my adviser going forward into the dissertation. I've been told emphatically NOT to take time off, and that the vast majority of students don't come back, either because of inertia, or because advisers / professors just forget about you. There's also a huge taboo against talking about leaving the academy. Given the tough job market, with faculty wanting to focus their attention on "serious" students -- and of course, I want to be taken seriously. But this, too, is making it really hard to be open and honest with faculty members about this problem. What I want, really, is to take some time away from school, do some of the requisite "outside" reading, and decide what (if anything) needs to be done to make this work.

My question is: for those of you (the many, I'm sure) who have been in this situation, what should I expect if I take time off? What should I tell my advisers? What do I do, to try to stay empowered and optimistic during this transition? It would be nice to be able to FEEL GOOD about my chosen profession again -- to be able to get excited, to look forward to the next step. It would also be nice to be able to work without constantly thinking about jumping off a cliff / walking into traffic / drinking myself into a stupor because I'm worried about the future. This thread and this thread have been really useful, just in getting to realize that this IS a problem (and that it's a pretty universal one). I want to fix this -- and would really like suggestions on what to expect moving forward.

Any advice would be much appreciated!

posted by puckish to education (10 comments total)

Given the realities of the humanities job market, I'm not sure it's possible for people to tell you the truth about your chosen profession and also make you feel good about spending another 3-5 years finishing a program while you seem to be miserable in it and undecided about it. Read this. Take it very seriously.
posted by amelioration at 5:05 AM on February 2 [2 favorites]

I took a medical leave while I was in a PhD program. I came back for a few months, but I just couldn't find a way to make it work. While leaving the program was one of the hardest things I've ever done, it was also the best decision I ever made.

The job market is crap. There is an overabundance of people with humanities PhDs as it is. Why do you want this degree? Are you really prepared to be a sessional/adjunct and not paid a living wage, possibly for the rest of your career?

There are lots of more interesting professions out there; as part of your process, have a look at the variety of professional schools around you, and discount nothing. Throw out your preconceptions about what those professions are about and look at what their salaries and job markets are currently like instead. I went from a phd program in history of library school. It was the single best decision I could have made; now I have tenure and absolutely love my job and the people I work with.

You're not stuck with the decisions you've made. Your options are not only one phd program or another, or one focus or another. You have a lot more options, though people rarely discuss them.

I'd say take the leave. Use it to go from professional school to professional school in your area to determine what those jobs are like, how they pay, and what kind of courses they take to get the degree. Particularly look to see who does co-ops or work terms; most people who do those get jobs out of them. Make appointments with their admissions people or faculty and talk to them about who succeeds with this degree. Screw the opinions of the department; they're interested in reproducing their own to validate their own choices. This isn't about them, it's about you.
posted by Hildegarde at 5:42 AM on February 2

I just left my social science PhD program at Prestigious U. this spring, halfway through my dissertation research. I connected well with my adviser, but I came to the realization that I was miserable and hated what I was doing, and that's not to mention the terrible job market and negative points of academia itself (I'm sure you know the old saw: "Why are academic politics so bitter? Because there's so little at stake."). Finally seeing all of this, I stopped kidding myself and left with an MA.

The people who tell you to not leave, look down on you for taking time off, who tell you that most who leave don't come back, well, they're probably the ones entrenched in it. I think there's a real belief within academia that life outside of academia is venal and shallow (it's not), and I also think there is quite a lot of grad students wanting other people to be as miserable as they are.

I didn't burn any bridges, I left the door open to return if I wanted, but as soon as I was out it was clear that it was the best decision I had made in a long long time. I had some completely unrelated skills, and got a Real Job using those, and my life is infinitely better.

If you're having doubts, there's no point in staying. You do not need a PhD to prove that you're intelligent (thinking that one does is the cause of like 40%* of grad students not quitting, I swear [*this number is made up]). You can always come back, or switch fields, but if you don't, that's your decision to make (easier to do when you're out of the academy and its little devils sitting on your shoulder) and your life will be better for it.

Good luck.
posted by The Michael The at 6:30 AM on February 2

Also, my adviser was incredibly understanding about the whole thing, essentially saying "That's okay, I understand. You're not the first to leave, you won't be the last." Now, I think that's atypical of most miserable academics, but you need to 1. decide what to do, and if that decision is to leave/take time off, you need to 2. be up front and decisive to your adviser and department about it. Maybe they'll be open to it, maybe they won't, but it's your life, not theirs. It sounds clichéd, but it's completely true.
posted by The Michael The at 6:37 AM on February 2

My adviser was understanding as well; I now work with faculty on a full-time basis, and everyone I've told about my decision tells me that a) they understand and think I was very brave, or b) they wished they'd done the same thing. Sad state of affairs.
posted by Hildegarde at 7:31 AM on February 2

There are some Metafilter members who consistently give GREAT advice on academia and its various concerns - I'm sure that they will have helpful and realistic thoughts on your situation.

A personal anecdote? I will be submitting my PhD thesis in June (postmodern literature). Slightly different from your circumstances since it is at a UK university and I didn't have to do qualifying/comps. But 2.5 years into my studies I totally hit the wall. My work was a disaster, I thought I would have to completely switch approaches (and I did eventually), I couldn't eat or sleep from the stress and I desperately needed some time to regroup. I was petrified of talking to my advisor as I knew the whole taboo thing of taking time off. But I summoned a lot of courage and did just that. I received a really warm, understanding reaction. While you may feel like your advisor only wants to work with the "serious students", s/he also wants you to succeed. It's worth having the talk because there are possibly options that you don't know about.

For me, this option was switching for 1 year to a kind of "visiting student" status. I could take the time to read and refocus and was not required to be on campus or teach. I completely reworked my project and returned full-time to write my thesis, which has been going just fine the second time around. So I guess I'm saying: try to ignore the taboo, talk to your advisor honestly, explore options that you might not know exist.

(I realize that this may be hard with funding issues and the job market post-graduation is another topic entirely, which will probably be pointed out a thousand times over in this thread.)

It seems dark and impossible now, but tackling it now instead of another year down the line is the best thing to do. It may not be as impossible as you think. Good luck!
posted by meerkatty at 8:37 AM on February 2

I also left a program after taking leave - I felt rudderless and without sufficient direction, and after all while it was all I could do to get up in the morning. Taking the leave enabled me to decompress and realize that it really was okay to decide to do something else.

I can't really offer much advice, as it really just wasn't the right fit for me, except to talk honestly with your advisor -- and keep in mind that ultimately you must determine what really will work for you.
posted by canine epigram at 10:21 AM on February 2

This huge response hopefully assures that you are *not alone. I left my PhD program at a top tier university with a MA after a period of disillusionment. I had met my husband at the university, too, and he finished his PhD in History and now as a tenured position. But those were some long, brutal years. If you don't feel positively consumed by the need to redirect the historiography of 20th-Century Britain with your interpretaion of the period, than I don't know what would be worth the long agony of the dissertation and the utter hopelessness of the job market. As for what to do next, I wonder what led you to academia in the first place? Are you more jazzed by the teaching or the research and writing? The romance of being The Professor (I'm not being a smart-ass here--that's what led *me to academia, and I often tease my husband about his students wtriting "I love you" on her eyelids and sitting in the front row)? Being your own boss? Summers off? Understanding your motivations will help you make your next move.
posted by njbradburn at 11:15 AM on February 2

I've been told emphatically NOT to take time off, and that the vast majority of students don't come back, either because of inertia, or because advisers / professors just forget about you. There's also a huge taboo against talking about leaving the academy. Given the tough job market, with faculty wanting to focus their attention on "serious" students -- and of course, I want to be taken seriously.

Reread amelioration's link because you should regard this as naive idealism at best and crass manipulation at worst. Your professors have no business imposing taboos on you. Your primary concern should be how you will survive outside of academe in this economy.

Yet another personal perspective for you to consider: Ten years ago I was in an English Lit Master's Program and had a year to experience being an instructor before deciding whether to pursue the PhD. It really was like having a tourist visa to the academic third world. As a grad student we were physically separate from the instructors’ office and if it wasn’t deliberately done I’d be surprised. It wouldn’t have done to mix us with burnt out middle-aged people, some of them with Ivy league PhDs, who were making less than living wage teaching four courses of Comp I and II a semester on a yearly contract. During my time there it was really something to see how the same professors who’d taught me passionate engagement with questions of social justice in language and scholarship treated their instructor colleagues. It was emphasized that the yearly contracts were just that, and no job was guaranteed, even though there were staff who’d been there a decade or more. Instructors were not invited to department meetings or given a voice in decision-making; they did not attend social gatherings unless they had a tenure-track spouse; they were housed in a group office furnished with castoffs and supplied with a single elderly computer for shared use. Worst of all, the attitude was that they had brought this on their own heads, that good scholars get tenure-track positions and bad ones end up in a glorified supply closet in contract purgatory. There was no honest discussion of the market forces at work and no acknowledgement that the instructors were doing the equivalent of academic scut work so like maybe it wouldn’t kill anyone to be nicer to them.

That was all the compare/contrast I needed. I got out of there and into academic/medical editing, now for a healthy nonprofit. I don’t regret getting out, despite truly loving academe and my Master’s program. I felt sincerely cultivated and encouraged and I really would rather not appraise the professors I still love and respect so harshly. Especially because I don’t even think it was deliberate cynicism, for the most part – more a well meant fiction. But in the end, we’re all on our own. Do not let outdated academic mores, institutional peer pressure, or your own dreams obscure reality.
posted by melissa may at 12:46 PM on February 2

Thanks for the excellent feedback. Just to clarify: I'm already pretty set on this decision. The question is more about what happens AFTER I leave -- that is, how to best handle this weird interval of time, how best to use the time, how to keep ties open with the university, in case I decide to go back?

These might be self-evident questions -- point being, though, I'm looking for practical advice on how to make use of this time, how best to take a break without burning bridges, etc / how best to structure your time so the break is actually meaningful, over and above more generalized support. But the feedback is good, thanks!
posted by puckish at 7:37 PM on February 3