RelationshipFilter: How do I convince her I'm not scared?

February 1, 2009 6:19 AM

RelationshipFilter: How can I convince this girl that her issues don't scare me and I really do want to be with her? Rambling details and soul-baring inside.

Earlier this month I started seeing a girl that I've become very fond of (background info: I'm a 19yo hetero male, she's an 18yo bisexual female, both students at the same uni). We hit it off on our first date and found that we've got an incredible amount in common in terms of tastes, opinions and attitudes. I've gone out with her a couple times since and both occasions went very well: long, personal conversations, lots of flirting, "marry me already!" jokes, etc. going both ways, though the physical element hasn't gone any further than a goodnight kiss.

This past weekend she invited me to brunch with her and her housemates, but when I got there she was a little distant and quiet. I spent a couple hours there and tried to get her to come for a walk with me afterwards, but she said she couldn't, she had too much work to do. When I got home she texted me and apologized for "being a jerk" and promised to explain herself later.

That night we had an IM conversation that led to her confiding in me about her personal issues - she is struggling with anxiety, depression and an eating disorder (all of which I'm also dealing with, and she knows this) and was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and she claims to have never had a "successful" relationship with either sex because of her myriad insecurities. Her phrasing made it seem like she was trying to say, "You don't want to get involved with me, I've got way too many issues." I told her that her issues weren't going to scare me off and that I think she's wonderful, she didn't respond, and I haven't seen her or really spoken to her in about five days. She hasn't been online and I haven't been able to find her on campus. I did send her one text that said "i miss you" and she responded by telling me how busy she's going to be all week. I've got a creeping fear that she's cooled off on me, which my close friends assure me probably isn't the case (though they've yet to meet the girl in question), but I can't convince myself of that. Mysterious cooling-off is a recurring theme in my relationship history and I admit I'm fairly insecure about it.

Can I convince this girl that I adore her and want to be with her, that I'm not scared of helping her through all of her issues and that I'll stand by her no matter what? This girl is unlike anyone I've ever met, I've never felt this strongly about anyone and I want her to know that I sincerely do want to start a real relationship with her. Do I just need to give her space and let her come to me or should I try to talk to her face-to-face about it?

posted by anonymous to human relations (48 comments total)

When it comes to relationships, a good rule is: listen to what they tell you. If she says she's got too many issues, she's got too many issues.
posted by zadcat at 6:22 AM on February 1 [30 favorites]

Before you fully commit to a relationship like this, you might want to learn if you have codependent tendencies. The desire to help a troubled person by trying to do things to make them feel better and willingness to "stand by her no matter what" might be signs you want to look at.

I'm not saying you shouldn't date her, but you might want to understand why you are attracted to a women with "personal issues".

Good luck.
posted by Argyle at 6:31 AM on February 1 [2 favorites]

I'd give not being with her some strong consideration.

Otherwise, you have to wait this one out until she comes back.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:32 AM on February 1

Assuming you want to be with her, and you said you do, action speaks louder than words. Show her you don't care about her issues. Be persistent.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:40 AM on February 1

In addition to the "listen to what they tell you" part, maybe it is also that she wants to sort out her issues before dating someone. Maybe that first night, she was swept up in the moment, then later, she realised how a relationship with someone would affect personal/emotional work.
posted by kellyblah at 6:46 AM on February 1

You're teenagers... just ride it out. It will fail, and you'll learn valuable lessons. Just have as much fun as you can.
posted by mpls2 at 6:46 AM on February 1 [1 favorite]

Sounds like she's not interested and it's a moot point whether you can "convinced her you're not scared." This would be a good opportunity to fix your own problems so that later on, you'll be better dating material for someone who doesn't have an eating disorder, etc.
posted by Jaltcoh at 6:57 AM on February 1 [1 favorite]

Look, in my experience, "I have so many issues, how could you possibly want to be with me," is frequently a smokescreen for some kind of "I don't want to be with you, but it would be a lot easier if you just went away without me having to actually come out and say it." Why she doesn't want to be with you may well be those aforementioned issues, but the problem is not that she has so many issues that you don't want to be with her, but that she has so many issues that she doesn't want to be with you.

If this is true, it isn't just because she thinks you're scared. It's because she's scared that she's going to hurt you/her/both of you because she doesn't consider herself willing/ready/stable enough for a relationship.

As it turns out, there's approximately jack shit you can do about this other than wait, because thinking that has the perverse effect of making it true. Waiting isn't really the preferred option. A weekend bender followed by directing your attention elsewhere is probably your best bet for long-term well-being.
posted by valkyryn at 6:59 AM on February 1 [10 favorites]

Dude, I've been in a similar place. I told myself I didn't care about her self-destructive behavior, but it turned out that I was just pretending it wasn't there and ignoring it.
That came back to bite me, and hard. Self-delusion is not the right path here.

Valkyryn's right here: This is probably a smokescreen for "I don't want you". Seriously. As someone who spent his late teens being interested in girls who were simply hopped up on crazy pills, I advise the bender and directing attentions elsewhere thing.
posted by dunkadunc at 7:11 AM on February 1 [3 favorites]

You've known her for under a month. You don't know what "no matter what" entails yet.

She already feels like she is incapable of a functional relationship due to all of the things that are going on in her head. The last thing she needs is someone falling for her hard, promising to be there for her, and then breaking up with her once the emotional drain and drama become too hard on you. That will just reinforce the "no one will love me because I am broken" feeling.

Her various diagnoses do not make her incapable of relationships, but they do require some honest hard work on both parties, and it really doesn't sound like either of you are ready for that right now. Pursue her if you want, but don't make promises you aren't ready to keep.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:12 AM on February 1

The person who is scared of being in a relationship with the two of you is you.

Rereading your question, I see that you never state that she thinks you are scared. Why, then, would you think that convincing her that you are not scared is what needs to be done?

That tells me that you are trying to tell yourself you are not scared. You should be.

Think of it this way, a sudden, powerful attraction where you two are making marriage jokes on the first date? Being convinced that the person is incredibly unique immediately without really knowing them?

Nobody is that unique. Extremely quick feelings of attachment that you describe are also not a good sign.

More importantly, she's not that great. You had a great date, but after that, it has been a total disappointment. She has been blowing you off and was distant and by her own admission, a jerk to you. Now imagine a whole lifetime of that, a great feeling followed by a lot of crap. What happens is that the great feeling becomes much bigger than it really is. These people starve you of affection so that when you do get it, you feel like the greatest thing on earth. It becomes a drug you can't get enough of.

I'm significantly older than you, with a lot more experience. I've been exactly where you are now. Exactly. Try to set your feelings aside and ask yourself if a friend was in this same situation, would you tell them things would be fine?
posted by Ironmouth at 7:13 AM on February 1 [9 favorites]

Sometimes people who have the same/very similar emotional issues aren't a good match.
posted by fructose at 7:22 AM on February 1 [2 favorites]

Maybe she thinks a relationship between herself (and all her issues) and you (and all her issues) would not be a good idea.

When I (around the same age) told a guy that I didn't want a relationship because I had too many issues, I meant I did not want to be in a relationship and have all the stress of thinking about how somebody else felt about everything I did, or thinking about somebody else full stop. Flirting is fun but relationships are work.
posted by jacalata at 7:24 AM on February 1

i agree with valkyryn- 'i have too many issues' is a fairly easy excuse to give someone who you just met, maybe liked at first, but ultimately decided you weren't interested in. the fact that she didn't respond to you thinking she's wonderful makes me think she probably doesn't want you saying/thinking things like that.

it sucks, but do yourself a favor and just cut your losses now. right now i am trying to break it off with a Guy With Way Too Many Issues, but we've been together a year and it's incredibly difficult- partially due to the fact that I am so worried about him and his Issues and i'm worried about his well being, yadda yadda. Its a tough spot to be in- and I knew what I was getting into when I did it, and I did it anyway. never again. there are so many people out there to date. don't compromise your own mental health to accommodate someone else's issues.
posted by lblair at 7:43 AM on February 1

fructose: "Sometimes people who have the same/very similar emotional issues aren't a good match."

QFT. I can attest that when you and your partner have weaknesses in the same areas, it can be very difficult. Sure you understand perfectly what they're feeling, but how much advice and help can you give when you can't fix your own shit? (nothing against you, again, I'm speaking from experience.)

Let it go. She's telling you up front it won't work. Meanwhile get your own head on straight. If you go to the same school, she's not going to fall off the radar so you can keep in touch. There's always a chance the situation can change, either on your side or hers. But she's already told you that this thing will go down in flames if you try right now, so take her at her word. Good luck.
posted by CwgrlUp at 8:05 AM on February 1

Maybe she really does like you despite what many people here think.
Maybe you will continue to pursue her despite all the advice here that it is a bad idea from people who have been the same thing.
Maybe you will develop a relationship.

I'd be willing to bet money that you will regret it. That in a few months you are going to say, "Damn, I wish I had listened to all those MetaFilter people."
posted by grouse at 8:07 AM on February 1

She said no, and now you are fixated on getting a yes. Not even a 'yes, we can be friends', but a suggestion that you can embark on a mutally intense, high needs connection. The lady said no. Right now you are scrabbling for excuses to change her into a yes. This is at best impolite, and at its extreme, may be a bit creepy.

Let's put it this way: Probably, she knows herself well. If in the remote chance she said 'I have issues!' while still wanting a relationship with you and expecting you to be inconsiderate and force your case, she's looking for lots and lots of drama. As in the fight-n-make-up, jealous screaming fights about your female friends, reassurances every day. I don't think it's the latter case, but keep this in mind. If she says issues, she's not making it up.
posted by Phalene at 8:09 AM on February 1 [2 favorites]

grouse is right. I don't doubt she has feelings here, you had a great date and a nice kiss. But that isn't the issue here.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:10 AM on February 1

You're 19.

When you're in 442 and in the midst of your midlife crisis (Choose the car, not the mistress) would you rather look back and say "damn, I wish I tried for that girl in college" or "damn, things didn't work out with so and so, but at least I tried"

Go for it.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:15 AM on February 1 [1 favorite]

Seconding the advice about being serious about what she's telling you. The halcyon days are usually the first weeks of your relationship, and after that you are going to be dealing with the nitty-gritty of her psychological problems. Bipolar, depression, and anxiety is really serious shit, and you're not in any position to fix it. I too have been a victim of the "mysterious cooling-off" back in the day, and I learned that swimming against it never works. You are doing yourself a favor letting this one go.
posted by crapmatic at 8:41 AM on February 1 [2 favorites]

Go for it.

He's 'gone for it' already, they went on dates! I really can't see what the OP could even do now. She doesn't want to talk to him, so what more is there to say?

Drop her an email saying, sorry it didn't work out, but if someday you want to look me up, I'm game. Then stop thinking about her, stop bothering her, and move on.
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:53 AM on February 1 [1 favorite]

"You don't want to get involved with me, I've got way too many issues." does NOT mean 'I really need someone to love me, and you can be that person if you can tolerate the misery I'm capable of dishing out.'

It means 'I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone, and I know it. I need something, but that something isn't you. If you push hard enough I might just let you in, but it isn't going to do either of us any good.'
posted by jon1270 at 8:54 AM on February 1 [10 favorites]

She's Just Not That Into You.
posted by tkolar at 9:03 AM on February 1 [2 favorites]

I think she's pushing you away. To see if you really like her or not.

She eventually seek you out, or give in to your requests to see her, you'll have a great time and get closer, and then she'll push you away again. And again, and again. It's no fun, and it hurts.

I agree vehemently with zadcat. When the other person says something like "I'm no good at relationships... " believe them, take their word for it.

You are already falling into the drama cycle - that's why you feel so compelled to "prove" to her that you are not scared. Her actions are already provoking a reaction in you. A healthy response on your part should be something like... "oh, damn I really liked her but she's blowing me off... plus she seems to have a lot of problems... well, never mind then... "
posted by Locochona at 9:07 AM on February 1 [1 favorite]

I want to buy a second account just so I can favorite jon1270's comment again.

I've been you in this relationship -- it *doesn't* *work*. There is, actually, no button you can push to make it all better, believe me on this. Girl has issues; that doesn't have to be a dealbreaker, but trust that she knows her own mind, and doesn't want to date right now, for whatever reason.

(Incidentally, I'm currently Girl at the moment, down to the ED and probably a shit-ton of other problems, though not bipolar as far as I can tell. I would be *very very* cautious of entering a relationship right now, even though I'm doing fairly well on working on my issues. If I met someone who, after one month, declared that s/he would be there for me no matter what, I would end the relationship then. I'd expect that from a longtime friend; coming from a recent partner, they clearly don't know what they're getting into, and it's time to cool down.

Wha-hey, that was longer than I meant! Hope it helps, though.)
posted by kalimac at 9:11 AM on February 1 [1 favorite]

When it comes to relationships, a good rule is: listen to what they tell you. If she says she's got too many issues, she's got too many issues.

I would favorite this a bazillion times if I could. You're setting yourself up for misery.
posted by Justinian at 9:12 AM on February 1 [1 favorite]

There's some very wise advice above me here. Sure, she's fantastic and I bet you've already imagined being with her, but if she's saying she's not ready it's best to let it go.

Either she's not that into you or she's not ready because she really has too many issues. I've been in that place before, where I knew a potential relationship wasn't going to pan out from the get-go, just because I felt so disjointed in my head already. If this is the case it's best to let it go, and if she resolves her myriad of problems then she can come back to you. Don't spend your life waiting, or you'll feel as though you wasted it.
posted by big open mouth at 9:29 AM on February 1

Can I convince this girl that I adore her and want to be with her, that I'm not scared of helping her through all of her issues and that I'll stand by her no matter what?

I don't think I saw anyone address this specifically: a certain kind of guy is drawn to a certain kind of girl, believing he will be the one to fix her/save her/rescue her/be her knight in shining armor. These relationships almost invariably go bad, sometimes trainwreck bad. You're going to go for it anyway but just don't be that guy; you can't fix something that doesn't want fixing.
posted by 6550 at 9:39 AM on February 1 [1 favorite]

You *are* in a relationship with her.

This is what it's like to be in a relationship with her. She's going to push you away and you're going to keep trying to make her like you.

Do you like it? Do you want it to continue?
posted by jasper411 at 9:40 AM on February 1 [7 favorites]

"You don't want to get involved with me, I've got way too many issues."

As some have said above, you should take her on her word.

If stuff clears up, she'll come back to you. If not, you're better off.

Sometimes, people need a little help. Sometimes, people need to be forgiven. And sometimes, they need to be let go.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:51 AM on February 1

I think she's not interested in dating you and this is her way of telling you. I agree with the first comment- when it comes to relationships, it's best to take people at their word and not to try to convince them otherwise or seek hidden meanings. Let it go and use your energy to find someone who does want to date you.
posted by emd3737 at 10:25 AM on February 1

"You don't want to get involved with me, I've got way too many issues." == "It's not you, it's me."
posted by EarBucket at 10:56 AM on February 1 [1 favorite]

He's 'gone for it' already, they went on dates! I really can't see what the OP could even do now. She doesn't want to talk to him, so what more is there to say?

Drop a box of chocolates off at her house/room/dorm, whatever with note saying "I really would like to see more of you" then let it go. Don't call her or text her with a note, just drop a note or something remind her that you really like her and leave the ball in her court.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:25 AM on February 1

I agree with most of what's been said above. The reasons may be unclear to you but she does not want to date you. She may be uninterested or she may not be ready for the complications of being in a relationship when you're dealing with personal issues. Either way, you are best to move on with your life and to respect what she has said.
posted by David Fleming at 11:30 AM on February 1

How do I convince her I'm not scared?

You don't. She wants you to be scared. She's trying to get rid of you in a way that she thinks will be the least amount of trouble for her and trigger the biggest flight response in a 19yo male.

What she's not telling you is the "many issues" are about you and how she doesn't want to get closer. With you. Unfortunately she has misunderstimated how truly crazy a 18yo female can make a 19 yo male and you're too blind to pick up the hint.

I tell you this now so that when you see her making out with someone else a month from now it won't hurt quite so much.

If she was really into you she would be trying to minimize her Crazy to not scare you off. Instead she's maximizing it.

I know you're new at all of this, but listed to the good advice up thread. It's got the voice of experience behind it. There are many better romance partners out there. Get out from this dead-end now and go find one of those.
posted by Ookseer at 11:38 AM on February 1

There have been a lot of great comments here. Be careful what you wish for or you might get it.

A fucked-up-damsel in distress can resemble fascinating forbidden fruit until you are months into a relationship with them and go ahhh, so that's why they say this is a bad idea. Everyone has a constitutional right to a poorly-conceived relationship or two, though, and you're young, so why not make a big, stupid, potentially futile romantic gesture?
posted by Kirklander at 11:50 AM on February 1

Just keep being you. I was this girl all through college and beyond, and sometimes it ended badly--the guy would, years later, finally indeed have that "a ha!" moment and realize he agreed with my initial warning assessment. But...sometimes the right person comes along and they prove you wrong. I don't know how many times I've kept my fiance at arm's length over the years out of fear he'd realize all the things I warned him about would prove true(ly unbearable) for him, and he was just patient, kind, and didn't push but calmly responded each time with affirmation he loved me for who I was. If it's her saying, "look, I have issues I need to work out with a therapist and some time single," that's one thing and indeed listen to her. But if you get the feeling it's a more nebulous thing, that she's just scared you can't love her in her entirety--her confusion, her past, her issues, her quirks--and you don't agree, then just be yourself and let her know you're there for her...if you're willing to be.
posted by ifjuly at 1:17 PM on February 1 [1 favorite]

"You don't want to get involved with me, I've got way too many issues."

There's a ton of great advice in this thread, but I just wanted to add yet another perspective to the mix. I've used that line myself. When I said it, it wasn't because I didn't like the other person, because I did (and still do, but that's a 'nother story).

I said it because I was scared this other person had me up on some kind of pedestal. I was scared they were going to find out I wasn't as smart/fun/great as this person seemed to think I was, so by golly, I was just going to pull that curtain down FOR THEM before they peeked behind it on their own. It's the results of being depressed and insecure.

Obviously, I can't speak for her, but that sentence, coupled with the hiding, is familiar territory. She sounds scared to me. If you truly think she's special, if you truly have the patience, then hang in there. Don't come on too strong, because that will scare her off again. But just let her know you're around, and let her come to you when she's ready.

(And, keep working on your own issues too!)
posted by polyester.lumberjack at 1:29 PM on February 1 [3 favorites]

Everyone has a constitutional right to a poorly-conceived relationship or two, though, and you're young, so why not make a big, stupid, potentially futile romantic gesture?

Because divorce can be expensive and painful, especially if there are children involved, even if you have no assets.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 2:41 PM on February 1

Yeah there is that.
posted by Kirklander at 4:09 PM on February 1

I don't think that she's necessarily just trying to get rid of you. Ifjuly and poly.lumber. both make good points. It could be that she has self-esteem issues that make her believe that she can't make you happy and that she doesn't deserve to be happy with you either. I'd suggest talking to her about it. If you care enough, it's worth a go and at least it should help clarify where she's coming from- and where you're going.
posted by Kirjava at 4:15 PM on February 1 [1 favorite]

When it comes to relationships, a good rule is: listen to what they tell you. If she says she's got too many issues, she's got too many issues.

I will second this (and it has lots of favorites, so I guess I'm not the only one who agrees). On the other hand, this might be the kind of thing you have to learn on your own instead of hearing it from someone else, in which case 19 is a good time to learn it.
posted by dfan at 4:21 PM on February 1

As someone who has/had "issues" (subscriptions is more accurate), just be a good friend to her as you both work through your baggage and see what comes of being able to be close and cooperative.

She's showing quite a bit of good judgment in warning you about these things, and you should consider them to be serious red flags regarding her ability to focus on a relationship at this time, even with someone clearly sensitive and understanding.

Allowing her the opportunity to find a stable point without also juggling a relationship with another high-needs person would be the most humane and loving thing you could do for her (and yourself).
posted by batmonkey at 4:59 PM on February 1

I wanted to add that, at that age, when drama is what they're used to and partly because that's what young girls are socialized to believe makes for exciting romance, some girls will say that when they absolutely like you and do want to be in a relationship. They'll say it just to hear what you say back, to test that you really want to be with them and that you're willing to prove it.

The thing is, if that's the state of mind she's in, that's not going to magically end. She's always going to be injecting more drama. She probably doesn't realize what she's doing or that it's not healthy, and it's going to take a lot of growing up before she does. Especially if she's insecure -- and it sounds like she is -- she's going to need the constant reassurance of your always coming back to her no matter how artificially bad she makes things. That's why I think jasper411's comment is spot-on.

Which isn't to say she might not be really mature for her age -- she might know exactly what she needs and mean exactly what she's saying. I just find it less likely, given what you've told us.
posted by Nattie at 6:19 PM on February 1

She's already dumped you. There's no hope for you if she's dumped you, AND she'll be nothing but trouble to you now.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:53 PM on February 1

It's more respectful (and less work for you) to believe her and let her define who she is and what she wants than it is to try to save her or prove her wrong.

I'd send one more email letting her know that while you're interested, you don't want something doomed and hopeless, you're backing off and the ball is in her court. ("ok, i understand, if you don't think you're ready to try to date somebody, i guess i have to believe you, lol. if you ever change your mind or just want to talk, you know where to find me.")
posted by salvia at 10:44 PM on February 1

Do yourself a favour and cut it off now before you waste too much time. You can't convince someone they should be with you... if she does succumb to your persistance, it will be from a place of obligation and not because she feels open and ready for a relationship.

I say this because I was you in this situation. I thought when my person-in-question told me that he had emotional problems, that I could wish them away by being reaaaaally patient and reaaaaally nice and it took a long time for me to understand that I didn't reaaaaally like the hurtful nonsense that accompanied those increasingly elusive "good times."
posted by cranberrymonger at 10:06 AM on February 2

its clear you're a great guy. she knows this but is so caught up in self destructive thinking, she's not gonna let you get close because she can't rise to the occasion. i once met this hot blonde girl in my mid 20's, i really liked her and couldn't figure out why she wouldn't respond enthusiastically to my offers. finally one night, i got her over to the house and found out she was in fact a crackhead. we had some disgusting crack sex all night and i wrote it all off for good the next day. while your girl is not a crackhead, her issues are a wall between you and if she overcomes her insecurities, she'll come get ya, if not, let it ride and enjoy finding someone else..
posted by Leper_Messiah at 7:54 PM on May 3