Husband miscarriage woe
January 31, 2009 12:26 AM Subscribe
Over Christmas we found out that my wife was pregnant. She miscarried this past weekend. I'm a bit of a rookie at the whole thing - it was to be our first. Consequently I told 10 or so of my close friends, my boss at work, a few family members etc that we were pregnant. I'd seen the stats, but...it was such a new and different and exciting thing that I guess I didn't really temper my expectations.
I guess this will be long before the actual question, but hey - fuck it. I'd like to get this out and down 'cause I've had a shitty, shitty week.
I'm struggling to find a balance between the 'ah gee kid this happens all the time' and 'we had some and now we have kids' and 'it happened for a good reason' etc. I don't want to hear that shit. In some ways I know we've only had a 3-4 month setback (we got pregnant first cycle) but on the other hand I feel like we lost a baby, plain and simple...and I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I don't really know what's appropriate. I know I should only answer to myself and my wife - but I'm struggling at work to even string 10 minutes of focus together. Is this something I should have expected? Rather than had to 'suffer'? Our culture tells us almost nothing about these things.
I just feel totally spaced out - that's the best way I can describe it. I've been shaken in a number of ways, most notably that I don't have any trust in this pregnancy process anymore. I don't know that it'll be any different the next time, and I've suddenly lost trust in a lot of things around me - in the way people's secrets leak out after something like this, as well as the slow, innocence-eroding realisation, since becoming an adult, that the world isn't quite as rosy as it's made out to be.
I've spent the week phoning it in at work (I took a day off on Tuesday - a few days after it went down to just hang out with my wife, go for breakfast, etc) and in a lot of ways we've really bonded over the whole situation.
Still, my wife's taking it really hard. She was travelling a lot over the past month and I think she's blaming herself for the miscarriage, despite my reassurances that it's not her or her actions and that even fucking heroin addicts have babies...but it's hard. She's a physiotherapist at a hospital and consequently works with a lot of women - a number of whom are pregnant. We're of the age and demographic and circumstance (both 33 and married for 8 months) where there are countless babies around and people constantly asking us when we're having kids etc. My wife's not good with telling people that she's been through this. I'm also afraid that what was initially supportive (doing everything around the house in addition to just sitting and listening etc) isn't gonna be enough.
I guess here's the main question: how can I align our next attempt (after she's had a normal period is when we're trying again) in such a way as to reduce her stress levels in general while trying not to seem like it's me reinforcing that it was indeed her stressful month that caused the miscarriage? I've told her that it's not her, and yet I'd like for her to treat herself better while we go through this for the sake of her mental well-being. Is this a good strategy? What are some nice things I can do for her to make her mentally more at ease?