How do you DTMFA when you're the one who got dumped?
January 30, 2009 6:44 AM Subscribe
He broke up with me eight months ago. We are still living together. Although he initiated the breakup, he isn't initiating anything else... like, say, moving out and moving on with his life.
We've been living together for the duration of our relationship; we met when he moved to my city and into my flatshare. We subsequently moved into our own place several months later. It's been two years in total.
The relationship always had its ups and downs. We are both late-20s, though he's a bit younger than me. During the time we've been together, my guy has always struggled with stress, uncertainty and unhappiness about his job. While fundamentally he likes what he does, he hates living in The Big City. He had never lived away from his teensy little hometown before he moved here, so it was quite an adjustment for him. Oh, and he also came straight out of university and this was his first "real job".
He met me straight away after moving to The Big City, and in some ways I think that was the worst thing that could have happened to him; we fell into together and I became his built-in best friend, social network, entertainment, sole source of emotional support, etc. He never really bothered to try and create his own independent life here, never really made any friends or ventured out on him own. It put a lot of pressure on me and the relationship to be "everything" to him, and of course I failed to live up to that standard time and time again. And because of his job, he must stay here for at least four more years.
I did my best to be supportive of my guy, but I also often got frustrated at what I saw as his lack of initiative, his tendency to "shut down", and his unwillingness to really engage with me or anyone (or anything) else. What probably in any other situation would have been easily surmountable differences ("what do you mean, you don't want to go to the museum with me?!") in our case started to seem like dealbreakers. Looking back on it now, I can see quite clearly that much of what I was frustrated about with him were possibly classic signs of depression. He has since sort of admitted to being depressed, but refuses to seek treatment.
Despite our arguments, I loved him and was fiercely committed to him. I believed he was committed to me, too, and he always talked about our long-term future together. But he also kept saying the fighting was taking a toll on him, emotionally and physically, and finally said he wanted "time off" from the relationship. Two weeks later, we got into another blazing row, and he finally threw in the towel altogether, saying he couldn't take the fighting anymore and didn't see any sort of long-term potential for us because we were “too incompatible”.
That was eight months ago. Because of various financial and professional reasons, we initially decided we'd continue living in the apartment for the short-term. Obviously, this has not been a particularly easy situation, but somehow we've made it work. In fact, it's worked so well that there's been almost no fighting since the breakup; we've had some conversations about the relationship, it’s been made clear there are still feelings there on both sides. We have had fun together. We’re close. BUT, he has held fast to the line that "we're just not meant for each other" and that he "just wants to be on his own".
But so here’s the thing. NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING has changed since we broke up. He still wants to share a bed, to cuddle, to do things together. But no, he doesn’t want to “be together”. I keep asking him when he’s going to move out; he keeps dragging his feet and making excuses.
I originally thought maybe he was keeping me on a short leash while he checked out his options, or that he even had somebody else waiting in the wings But he has said he’s not seeing anyone else and doesn’t want to see anyone else; I know for a fact that he is not seeing anyone. For awhile I kept him at arm’s length, not wanting to let him get the advantages of having me without being committed to me, but over the course of eight months that is exactly what I have allowed him to do. For somebody who “just wants to be alone”, he hasn’t taken any steps to actually BE ALONE.
He says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, yet he IS STILL IN A RELATIONSHIP for all intents and purposes. He clearly still cares about me, or at least says he does, and doesn’t seem motivated to change anything about the situation.
I know I am an idiot for having let him get away with this for as long as I have, but I love him and I guess I just deluded myself into thinking that somehow we were going to get back together.
And I know what I need to do to stop the insanity: I have to move out and get on with my own life. I guess it would just be easier to leave what still appears to be a perfectly good relationship if I had some perspective on why this is happening.
Why would you say you wanted to get out of an “incompatible” relationship, then not do it? Fear of change? Fear of being alone? He says he wants to be alone but I’m not really certain that he knows what that actually means. And I think he’s too depressed and confused to know what he really wants anyway.
Is there any way to salvage what we have, or do I just need to do the needful already and DTMF who dumped me?
Email me: doidumpmydumper@googlemail.com
We've been living together for the duration of our relationship; we met when he moved to my city and into my flatshare. We subsequently moved into our own place several months later. It's been two years in total.
The relationship always had its ups and downs. We are both late-20s, though he's a bit younger than me. During the time we've been together, my guy has always struggled with stress, uncertainty and unhappiness about his job. While fundamentally he likes what he does, he hates living in The Big City. He had never lived away from his teensy little hometown before he moved here, so it was quite an adjustment for him. Oh, and he also came straight out of university and this was his first "real job".
He met me straight away after moving to The Big City, and in some ways I think that was the worst thing that could have happened to him; we fell into together and I became his built-in best friend, social network, entertainment, sole source of emotional support, etc. He never really bothered to try and create his own independent life here, never really made any friends or ventured out on him own. It put a lot of pressure on me and the relationship to be "everything" to him, and of course I failed to live up to that standard time and time again. And because of his job, he must stay here for at least four more years.
I did my best to be supportive of my guy, but I also often got frustrated at what I saw as his lack of initiative, his tendency to "shut down", and his unwillingness to really engage with me or anyone (or anything) else. What probably in any other situation would have been easily surmountable differences ("what do you mean, you don't want to go to the museum with me?!") in our case started to seem like dealbreakers. Looking back on it now, I can see quite clearly that much of what I was frustrated about with him were possibly classic signs of depression. He has since sort of admitted to being depressed, but refuses to seek treatment.
Despite our arguments, I loved him and was fiercely committed to him. I believed he was committed to me, too, and he always talked about our long-term future together. But he also kept saying the fighting was taking a toll on him, emotionally and physically, and finally said he wanted "time off" from the relationship. Two weeks later, we got into another blazing row, and he finally threw in the towel altogether, saying he couldn't take the fighting anymore and didn't see any sort of long-term potential for us because we were “too incompatible”.
That was eight months ago. Because of various financial and professional reasons, we initially decided we'd continue living in the apartment for the short-term. Obviously, this has not been a particularly easy situation, but somehow we've made it work. In fact, it's worked so well that there's been almost no fighting since the breakup; we've had some conversations about the relationship, it’s been made clear there are still feelings there on both sides. We have had fun together. We’re close. BUT, he has held fast to the line that "we're just not meant for each other" and that he "just wants to be on his own".
But so here’s the thing. NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING has changed since we broke up. He still wants to share a bed, to cuddle, to do things together. But no, he doesn’t want to “be together”. I keep asking him when he’s going to move out; he keeps dragging his feet and making excuses.
I originally thought maybe he was keeping me on a short leash while he checked out his options, or that he even had somebody else waiting in the wings But he has said he’s not seeing anyone else and doesn’t want to see anyone else; I know for a fact that he is not seeing anyone. For awhile I kept him at arm’s length, not wanting to let him get the advantages of having me without being committed to me, but over the course of eight months that is exactly what I have allowed him to do. For somebody who “just wants to be alone”, he hasn’t taken any steps to actually BE ALONE.
He says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, yet he IS STILL IN A RELATIONSHIP for all intents and purposes. He clearly still cares about me, or at least says he does, and doesn’t seem motivated to change anything about the situation.
I know I am an idiot for having let him get away with this for as long as I have, but I love him and I guess I just deluded myself into thinking that somehow we were going to get back together.
And I know what I need to do to stop the insanity: I have to move out and get on with my own life. I guess it would just be easier to leave what still appears to be a perfectly good relationship if I had some perspective on why this is happening.
Why would you say you wanted to get out of an “incompatible” relationship, then not do it? Fear of change? Fear of being alone? He says he wants to be alone but I’m not really certain that he knows what that actually means. And I think he’s too depressed and confused to know what he really wants anyway.
Is there any way to salvage what we have, or do I just need to do the needful already and DTMF who dumped me?
Email me: doidumpmydumper@googlemail.com
Get your own place.
posted by caddis at 6:59 AM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by caddis at 6:59 AM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
Man I love slow pitch softball.
DTMFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:01 AM on January 30, 2009 [7 favorites]
DTMFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:01 AM on January 30, 2009 [7 favorites]
I think you're close with the "short leash" theory. Most likely he's not in another relationship yet because others can see the same shortcomings you see in him without the distortion of a "history" (remembering the good times, etc). I had two friends in a similar spot. Every now and then the guy would make a lame attempt to date someone out of his league and quickly return to the girl. It went on for years until the girl moved on. I actually think that staying with the girl gave him the confidence to think he was "a catch" because of how much she doted on him.
TL:DR version, dump him. There won't be an salvaging unless all the work is on your end, and most of that will be an endless series of compromises until you are miserable.
posted by syntheticfaith at 7:04 AM on January 30, 2009
TL:DR version, dump him. There won't be an salvaging unless all the work is on your end, and most of that will be an endless series of compromises until you are miserable.
posted by syntheticfaith at 7:04 AM on January 30, 2009
It doesn't sound like you have taken any steps to move out and move on with your life either, right? There's no obvious reason in what you say why one or the other of you would have priority in this respect, since you moved into the apartment together.
posted by advil at 7:05 AM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by advil at 7:05 AM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
He needs to do exactly what you say: get out, be forced to meet other people, etc. Which he is more likely to do after you move out.
Also, your question is 90% about him, when you're the one who needs to do something: move out.
Then, after a real break, you might consider reconsidering the relationship. But you're stuck, both of you, and it's up to you, dear questioner, to unstick things. Go, girl!
posted by amtho at 7:05 AM on January 30, 2009
Also, your question is 90% about him, when you're the one who needs to do something: move out.
Then, after a real break, you might consider reconsidering the relationship. But you're stuck, both of you, and it's up to you, dear questioner, to unstick things. Go, girl!
posted by amtho at 7:05 AM on January 30, 2009
Dude, cut him off. Why should he move on? I mean, he's got a pad, a cuddlebuddy that he's expressly not dating, so he has a clean conscience if he scores a hookup. Nice work if you can get it...
posted by notsnot at 7:08 AM on January 30, 2009 [14 favorites]
posted by notsnot at 7:08 AM on January 30, 2009 [14 favorites]
You are the master of your fate; the captain of your soul.
Pull the plug on this zombie relationship and move out. You'll feel so much better...
posted by wfrgms at 7:09 AM on January 30, 2009
Pull the plug on this zombie relationship and move out. You'll feel so much better...
posted by wfrgms at 7:09 AM on January 30, 2009
More specifically what you said is right:
"I have to move out and get on with my own life."
Don't wait for him, and don't wait for some blinding insight on the relationship to arrive. Cut your hair, get a makeover, throw your hat up skyward, turn the world on with your smile, move on up to the eastside, etc etc. Make it quick and painless since he sounds like he's the type to cling on to your ankles making bs promises once he realizes you're serious.
Oh and "in some ways I think that was the worst thing that could have happened to him...He never really bothered to try and create his own independent life here"
Highly unlikely--This is not how adults operate. When we move to new places we build new networks and find new resources, whether we have a gf or not. It sounds like this dude is a cute cuddly bloodsucking leech. In the future try to recognize this type as a "problem area" for you and learn to avoid getting entangled with guys who rely you for their basic functionality.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:14 AM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
"I have to move out and get on with my own life."
Don't wait for him, and don't wait for some blinding insight on the relationship to arrive. Cut your hair, get a makeover, throw your hat up skyward, turn the world on with your smile, move on up to the eastside, etc etc. Make it quick and painless since he sounds like he's the type to cling on to your ankles making bs promises once he realizes you're serious.
Oh and "in some ways I think that was the worst thing that could have happened to him...He never really bothered to try and create his own independent life here"
Highly unlikely--This is not how adults operate. When we move to new places we build new networks and find new resources, whether we have a gf or not. It sounds like this dude is a cute cuddly bloodsucking leech. In the future try to recognize this type as a "problem area" for you and learn to avoid getting entangled with guys who rely you for their basic functionality.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:14 AM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
I guess it would just be easier to leave what still appears to be a perfectly good relationship
How is it "perfectly good" if he dumped you? As notsnot said, he's got everything he needs in this situation, plus he's got you wracked with guilt about how being with you kept him from establishing his own life in the big city. Do you really still love the real guy who's holding you back, or do you love the idea of him, or are you telling yourself it's "love" to avoid feeling the truth underneath?
You need to be about *you* now. Not about him. Move to a cuter apartment in a new neighborhood. Get some new shoes. Explore new interests. Find a joy for yourself that isn't related to the depresso boy in your bed who's getting all your benefits. You deserve more than this.
posted by catlet at 7:15 AM on January 30, 2009
How is it "perfectly good" if he dumped you? As notsnot said, he's got everything he needs in this situation, plus he's got you wracked with guilt about how being with you kept him from establishing his own life in the big city. Do you really still love the real guy who's holding you back, or do you love the idea of him, or are you telling yourself it's "love" to avoid feeling the truth underneath?
You need to be about *you* now. Not about him. Move to a cuter apartment in a new neighborhood. Get some new shoes. Explore new interests. Find a joy for yourself that isn't related to the depresso boy in your bed who's getting all your benefits. You deserve more than this.
posted by catlet at 7:15 AM on January 30, 2009
I guess it would just be easier to leave what still appears to be a perfectly good relationship if I had some perspective on why this is happening.
This does not even appear close to "perfectly good relationship." You might love him, but it doesn't change the fact that this guy's a jerk.
What's happening is he dumped you but didn't want to actually want to suffer any of the consequences of dumping you, i.e., you moving on, no more cuddling, etc. He wants to keep all that, but not give you what you deserve and desire.
This guy's a complete tool, depression or not. Just thinking about this makes me angry. You deserve better than this. Pack up your shit, find an apartment, suffer a bit and find someone who won't string you along by acting a prick.
posted by milarepa at 7:24 AM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
This does not even appear close to "perfectly good relationship." You might love him, but it doesn't change the fact that this guy's a jerk.
What's happening is he dumped you but didn't want to actually want to suffer any of the consequences of dumping you, i.e., you moving on, no more cuddling, etc. He wants to keep all that, but not give you what you deserve and desire.
This guy's a complete tool, depression or not. Just thinking about this makes me angry. You deserve better than this. Pack up your shit, find an apartment, suffer a bit and find someone who won't string you along by acting a prick.
posted by milarepa at 7:24 AM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
Hey anonymous,
Exactly this, exactly, happened to me 13 years ago.
He says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, yet he IS STILL IN A RELATIONSHIP for all intents and purposes.
You aren't in a relationship, either. Realize this. I know you think that if you wait he will change his mind but he will not.
What is more likely to happen is that he will start dating someone else while he is still living with you. And if you think it sucks now, it will suck a lot more then. That's when the fights will start. It will be YOUR fault that he hasn't moved because you make him spend money or you're always hogging the computer or the phone or how can he go when you know perfectly well how expensive your city is and he doesn't have enough money saved up?
You say it's "your" flatshare; if that's the case, what recourse to you have to give him notice and tell him he has to leave? You need to do this. Give him the kind of notice you would give a flatmate that wasn't a friend. Or, if you can move, and want to move, by all means, move - but that's not an instant solution so I'm not going to tell you to do that.
My guy just wouldnt fucking go, wouldn't sleep on the couch, and I was too much of a wimp to throw him out. I should have said, "I appreciate the challenge, but if you can't find an apartment, there are plenty of short-term accomodations in this city. You need to be out of here by the end of the month and I don't care much how you manage that." In my case, every time I tried, I got a lecture about how EXPENSIVE the city was (as though I forced him to move here) and what did I want, him to live in his CAR?
I should have said "Yes".
He won't move because he doesn't have to. Because you're not throwing him out of the bed, you're not making him sleep on the couch, you're not going to sleep on the couch yourself, you're still hanging around and going to the movies with him, instead of leading your life as though you lived alone. I'm not saying that as though it's easy to do that, you've been doing that for two years, and there's comfort there for you. I get that.
but you are NOT in a relationship. You are convenient. You are being taken advantage of.
Don't think that his reluctance is a sign of deep caring. It's a sign of the deep inability to get off his ass and do ANYTHING, including commit to a relationship. He's not going to change his mind with you.
I'm sorry.
posted by micawber at 7:32 AM on January 30, 2009 [10 favorites]
Exactly this, exactly, happened to me 13 years ago.
He says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, yet he IS STILL IN A RELATIONSHIP for all intents and purposes.
You aren't in a relationship, either. Realize this. I know you think that if you wait he will change his mind but he will not.
What is more likely to happen is that he will start dating someone else while he is still living with you. And if you think it sucks now, it will suck a lot more then. That's when the fights will start. It will be YOUR fault that he hasn't moved because you make him spend money or you're always hogging the computer or the phone or how can he go when you know perfectly well how expensive your city is and he doesn't have enough money saved up?
You say it's "your" flatshare; if that's the case, what recourse to you have to give him notice and tell him he has to leave? You need to do this. Give him the kind of notice you would give a flatmate that wasn't a friend. Or, if you can move, and want to move, by all means, move - but that's not an instant solution so I'm not going to tell you to do that.
My guy just wouldnt fucking go, wouldn't sleep on the couch, and I was too much of a wimp to throw him out. I should have said, "I appreciate the challenge, but if you can't find an apartment, there are plenty of short-term accomodations in this city. You need to be out of here by the end of the month and I don't care much how you manage that." In my case, every time I tried, I got a lecture about how EXPENSIVE the city was (as though I forced him to move here) and what did I want, him to live in his CAR?
I should have said "Yes".
He won't move because he doesn't have to. Because you're not throwing him out of the bed, you're not making him sleep on the couch, you're not going to sleep on the couch yourself, you're still hanging around and going to the movies with him, instead of leading your life as though you lived alone. I'm not saying that as though it's easy to do that, you've been doing that for two years, and there's comfort there for you. I get that.
but you are NOT in a relationship. You are convenient. You are being taken advantage of.
Don't think that his reluctance is a sign of deep caring. It's a sign of the deep inability to get off his ass and do ANYTHING, including commit to a relationship. He's not going to change his mind with you.
I'm sorry.
posted by micawber at 7:32 AM on January 30, 2009 [10 favorites]
You can't really change another person without their cooperation. It is much easier to change oneself and how one reacts to given situations. This guy may have problems and may not be "moving on with his life" but that's not anything you can fix. The easiest and best solution would be for YOU to move on with YOUR life. DTMFA, find a new place, get yourself a life that doesn't involve him.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 7:32 AM on January 30, 2009
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 7:32 AM on January 30, 2009
I went through a similar situation, except we were not living together. Ex moves to Big City, meets me right away (at work), we start dating, he never bothers to create his own social network, instead relying on mine. He dumps me after three years, then keeps up the parts of the relationship that worked for him (talking on the phone every day/night, referring to each other as best friends, basically keeping me hanging on hoping we'd get back together). I'm quite sure he was in fact keeping me on a short leash while he checked out his other options. Finally I'd had enough.
I moved into my own apartment (as I said, we weren't living together, but I still needed that change of scenery and no more roommates), deleted his number, and moved on with my life in short order. My ex panicked at the realization that he was about to lose me, but you know what? He had three years to make up his mind about me, then a few months during which I was still hanging around waiting for him to want to get back together. If he only wants what he can't have, then I don't want him. I am all or nothing, baby--you don't get to keep me in the background until you're sure there's nothing better out there. I deserve a relationship with someone who's as willing to BE IN IT as I am.
Write that on a post-it note on your mirror and on your computer and say it to yourself everyday until you really believe it. Go get an apartment of your own, or move in with roommates, or give him a deadline to get out and enforce it. Inaction is what's driving you crazy, and since you can't make him act, you need to step up and do it yourself. I promise you, it's worth it.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 7:36 AM on January 30, 2009 [3 favorites]
I moved into my own apartment (as I said, we weren't living together, but I still needed that change of scenery and no more roommates), deleted his number, and moved on with my life in short order. My ex panicked at the realization that he was about to lose me, but you know what? He had three years to make up his mind about me, then a few months during which I was still hanging around waiting for him to want to get back together. If he only wants what he can't have, then I don't want him. I am all or nothing, baby--you don't get to keep me in the background until you're sure there's nothing better out there. I deserve a relationship with someone who's as willing to BE IN IT as I am.
Write that on a post-it note on your mirror and on your computer and say it to yourself everyday until you really believe it. Go get an apartment of your own, or move in with roommates, or give him a deadline to get out and enforce it. Inaction is what's driving you crazy, and since you can't make him act, you need to step up and do it yourself. I promise you, it's worth it.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 7:36 AM on January 30, 2009 [3 favorites]
Wait, what? So you’ve been sitting around waiting for him to stop sitting around and waiting? Start initiating your own plans instead of waiting for his to materialize (they won’t): stop all the pseudo-relationship stuff because it’s unhealthy and weird and entirely unfair to you; move out; date someone else (or don’t, but in any case stop whatever is going on now with this guy). Step back and let him make his own friends, and down the road you may be able to salvage your friendship, but stop being his social crutch. He seems to be content with the way things are now, which means he has no real incentive to make any changes (i.e., actually move out, actually move on from the relationship), so you are going to need to impose your own changes if you want things to be different.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:51 AM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:51 AM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
Why would he leave? He's getting the milk without paying for the cow! Or the milk!
There's nothing stopping you from leaving, so why are you blaming him for something that you have control over?
Stop beating around the bush and deal with this problem yourself. Tell him he's out by next Friday, and change the locks. Or, move out yourself. See how easy that was?
posted by Meagan at 7:56 AM on January 30, 2009
There's nothing stopping you from leaving, so why are you blaming him for something that you have control over?
Stop beating around the bush and deal with this problem yourself. Tell him he's out by next Friday, and change the locks. Or, move out yourself. See how easy that was?
posted by Meagan at 7:56 AM on January 30, 2009
Is there any way to salvage what we have, or do I just need to do the needful already and DTMF who dumped me?
Sit down and talk, really TALK. Mention everything you've mentioned in this post, about what has happened, how you feel and that obvious fact that you still love him and wouldn't mind having another go at the relationship.
Don't beat yourself up about this. Yeah,you could have done things different, but your motivation here was of love and wanting to be with him and you made a clear choice to have that chance. I'll disagree with others and say that you are in relationship, as is he, but you two aren't in the same relationship despite living under the same roof and sharing a bed. That's a problem that needs to be fixed.
Since he hates the Big City, try spending some time outta of it, be it it day, weekend or week. Talk while you're outta the city, where he's comfortable and see how things go.
Why would you say you wanted to get out of an “incompatible” relationship, then not do it? Fear of change? Fear of being alone?
He's overwhelmed and in a place he doesn't like (the city). To him, everything might seem impossible and terrible, so he's shutting down. Sounds like classic introvert behavior, which could explain a lot of things. Read the article "Caring for your Introvert" and see if he fits that description. If so the main problem might be that you two are talking different languages. When he says "no, I don't want to go to the museum with you" he might be really be saying "I just need some alone time," whereas you're actually saying "I want to spend time with you doing something fun."
But lastly, you need to decide about how much more of this you're going to take and how much effort you want to put into this relationship. You're not currently happy. Staying and trying to work on this will be hard work. It may not get you anywhere and may result in more fights. It's ok to love someone, but that doesn't mean you have to stay with them if they're not making you happy and just because a relationship ends, that doesn't mean something is wrong with either one of you. Some things aren't meant to last forever.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:06 AM on January 30, 2009
Sit down and talk, really TALK. Mention everything you've mentioned in this post, about what has happened, how you feel and that obvious fact that you still love him and wouldn't mind having another go at the relationship.
Don't beat yourself up about this. Yeah,you could have done things different, but your motivation here was of love and wanting to be with him and you made a clear choice to have that chance. I'll disagree with others and say that you are in relationship, as is he, but you two aren't in the same relationship despite living under the same roof and sharing a bed. That's a problem that needs to be fixed.
Since he hates the Big City, try spending some time outta of it, be it it day, weekend or week. Talk while you're outta the city, where he's comfortable and see how things go.
Why would you say you wanted to get out of an “incompatible” relationship, then not do it? Fear of change? Fear of being alone?
He's overwhelmed and in a place he doesn't like (the city). To him, everything might seem impossible and terrible, so he's shutting down. Sounds like classic introvert behavior, which could explain a lot of things. Read the article "Caring for your Introvert" and see if he fits that description. If so the main problem might be that you two are talking different languages. When he says "no, I don't want to go to the museum with you" he might be really be saying "I just need some alone time," whereas you're actually saying "I want to spend time with you doing something fun."
But lastly, you need to decide about how much more of this you're going to take and how much effort you want to put into this relationship. You're not currently happy. Staying and trying to work on this will be hard work. It may not get you anywhere and may result in more fights. It's ok to love someone, but that doesn't mean you have to stay with them if they're not making you happy and just because a relationship ends, that doesn't mean something is wrong with either one of you. Some things aren't meant to last forever.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:06 AM on January 30, 2009
Response by poster: Let me guess, your guy isn't much of a flirt. It's probably difficult for him to meet women. So until another one drops in his lap, you're easy access. And the fact that you're "not in a relationship" makes it OK for him to move on when the next one comes along.
posted by Anonymous at 8:07 AM on January 30, 2009
posted by Anonymous at 8:07 AM on January 30, 2009
Stop discussing. Ask him when he plans to move. Tell him that if he's not out by March 1, you will be. Doesn't need to be angry, sad, difficult. Be sweet and calm and tell him it's time for you to move on because you want to look for a relationship, and he doesn't want to be in one, and March 1st is the date.
posted by theora55 at 8:15 AM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 8:15 AM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
If you can't move out right way, at least:
1) Stop cuddling, and all other physical contact with him.
2) Stop sharing a bed! Get another bed or an air mattress if you have to, or sleep on the couch. If you own the bed, kick him out of it.
3) Don't hang out with him as much. Like don't go out with him to eat or to the movies, etc., if you're doing these things.
4) You should start thinking about dating other people. Why is it all about him dating? You're technically single, too.
posted by fructose at 8:15 AM on January 30, 2009 [2 favorites]
1) Stop cuddling, and all other physical contact with him.
2) Stop sharing a bed! Get another bed or an air mattress if you have to, or sleep on the couch. If you own the bed, kick him out of it.
3) Don't hang out with him as much. Like don't go out with him to eat or to the movies, etc., if you're doing these things.
4) You should start thinking about dating other people. Why is it all about him dating? You're technically single, too.
posted by fructose at 8:15 AM on January 30, 2009 [2 favorites]
Don't cuddle him. Kick him out of your bed. Don't let him touch your hair or any of that kind of shit. It's not about being mean or anything like that. It doesn't take long for the lack of those simple things to make the things that you need to do about 1000 times easier.
And his happiness is not your responsibility. He's probably old enough that even his mommy has the choice to opt out on that one too.On the one hand - he seems to have lots of areas you (for whatever reason) are to manage, maintain and oversee. And on the other - he dumped you and 8 months later holds firm to that but in word only.
Yeah.. you're not a doormat, you're a person. Hey?
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 9:47 AM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
And his happiness is not your responsibility. He's probably old enough that even his mommy has the choice to opt out on that one too.On the one hand - he seems to have lots of areas you (for whatever reason) are to manage, maintain and oversee. And on the other - he dumped you and 8 months later holds firm to that but in word only.
Yeah.. you're not a doormat, you're a person. Hey?
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 9:47 AM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]
This leech is sucking the potential out of any and all new relationships for you. He is stealing your chance to be happy with another man. You are letting him steal that potential from you.
Can you imagine saying this to a potential date? "Hi, I live with and do most social activities with my ex-boyfriend. He also sleeps in my bed every night. Do you want to go for coffee?"
DTMFA and get yourself together. If he figures out that he wants to be with you, then he'll make that happen. If not, you've cut loose a major obstacle to finding the partner you want. Either way, you win.
posted by 26.2 at 9:49 AM on January 30, 2009
Can you imagine saying this to a potential date? "Hi, I live with and do most social activities with my ex-boyfriend. He also sleeps in my bed every night. Do you want to go for coffee?"
DTMFA and get yourself together. If he figures out that he wants to be with you, then he'll make that happen. If not, you've cut loose a major obstacle to finding the partner you want. Either way, you win.
posted by 26.2 at 9:49 AM on January 30, 2009
Make it quick and painless since he sounds like he's the type to cling on to your ankles making bs promises once he realizes you're serious.
A smart ending to a great comment from Potomac Avenue, and "quick and painless" is a good idea for almost any situation.
There's an option for drama, wallowing, and so forth, in how this goes down. Take the other option. Be caring, but be almost professional about this. Get decided internally. Figure out how you want to handle a move out (yours or his). Then notify him. Then make yourself scarce and get on with your plans.
You ask why he's doing this, and it really doesn't matter. Honestly, it doesn't. He says you're incompatible, and he's right. You want something committed and communicative; he wants to be evasive and noncommittal (with you at least). It doesn't matter. The decision was made long ago. You held out hope, and maybe that was worth it. But now that you're out of patience with waiting, don't waste another 30-60 days on drama and wallowing. All that sucks energy away from your friendships, your job, your side projects, your family, your future. Just be professional. "I've come to see your point. We're not really compatible. And since we're not going out, I don't think we should be living together. So, I'm going to move out on March 1st. I hope a month will be enough time for you to find a new roommate. If you'd rather move out on March 1st, I could stay. Just let me know what you decide by next Friday so I can start looking." Then start looking, and otherwise make yourself scarce. You know that museum you were wanting to visit? :)
posted by salvia at 10:01 AM on January 30, 2009 [2 favorites]
A smart ending to a great comment from Potomac Avenue, and "quick and painless" is a good idea for almost any situation.
There's an option for drama, wallowing, and so forth, in how this goes down. Take the other option. Be caring, but be almost professional about this. Get decided internally. Figure out how you want to handle a move out (yours or his). Then notify him. Then make yourself scarce and get on with your plans.
You ask why he's doing this, and it really doesn't matter. Honestly, it doesn't. He says you're incompatible, and he's right. You want something committed and communicative; he wants to be evasive and noncommittal (with you at least). It doesn't matter. The decision was made long ago. You held out hope, and maybe that was worth it. But now that you're out of patience with waiting, don't waste another 30-60 days on drama and wallowing. All that sucks energy away from your friendships, your job, your side projects, your family, your future. Just be professional. "I've come to see your point. We're not really compatible. And since we're not going out, I don't think we should be living together. So, I'm going to move out on March 1st. I hope a month will be enough time for you to find a new roommate. If you'd rather move out on March 1st, I could stay. Just let me know what you decide by next Friday so I can start looking." Then start looking, and otherwise make yourself scarce. You know that museum you were wanting to visit? :)
posted by salvia at 10:01 AM on January 30, 2009 [2 favorites]
I am going to go another way for variance in viewpoints. There are a ton of make him commit or dump his ass thoughts. Perhaps the commitment is the real issue here for him. When he feels as though he is committing to you he begins to think that it is you that is holding him back. Now that he isn't "committed" to you he can finally start to think about himself and reflect on the ways that he appreciates you without worrying about you forcing him into it. If he feels like he is not being forced then it allows him the space that he needs to figure out what it is that he is looking for in a relationship. It is complicated but I think that you both care for one another and to me the interesting indicator is that you have not been fighting since the so-called "breakup." This is all complicated and will have to be resolved through communication. You have to understand his commitment feelings and realize that it may be related to his depression. However, you have to do what is right for you.
I would propose the best "test" if you do not want to completely move out or have him move out is to get out of town for a week. Go see some friends or family and let him sit it out while you are gone. That will give him that final physical space to really start to see if it is you he cares for or the stability that you provide him with, at least I hope.
posted by occidental at 11:01 AM on January 30, 2009
I would propose the best "test" if you do not want to completely move out or have him move out is to get out of town for a week. Go see some friends or family and let him sit it out while you are gone. That will give him that final physical space to really start to see if it is you he cares for or the stability that you provide him with, at least I hope.
posted by occidental at 11:01 AM on January 30, 2009
If you want to stay, the fastest way to get the guy to move out is to bring a new one in, and have hot, LOUD sex. That's enough to shift anyone.
If you want to go, find a place and move out.
Simple as that. This guy is ever-so-nicely fucking you over. He's got all the benefits of a relationship, without any of the attachment. Get him out of your life one way or another, and find someone who respects you. This guy blatantly doesn't.
posted by Solomon at 11:19 AM on January 30, 2009 [2 favorites]
If you want to go, find a place and move out.
Simple as that. This guy is ever-so-nicely fucking you over. He's got all the benefits of a relationship, without any of the attachment. Get him out of your life one way or another, and find someone who respects you. This guy blatantly doesn't.
posted by Solomon at 11:19 AM on January 30, 2009 [2 favorites]
I'm ashamed to admit that I've been that guy. (It's important for me to admit this. Yes, she was a fool, but I was an asshole, which might be less dangerous but is definitely less defensible.)
Obviously you should cut things off entirely. The longer-term question is: why is he acting this way?
Guesses: He doesn't want to turn the page because he's got an idea of himself that includes you loving him - though he's likely telling the truth, and doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. You've taught him he'll get affection whether he deserves it or not. Maybe he wants to fuck someone else but hasn't yet brought himself to do so. Maybe he's more invested in the idea of a relationship than in the practice of it - he doesn't know what it takes to sustain a relationship, so he's taken the crafty step of dealing with it in name only. Being free of the name frees him up not to fight with you, right?
Maybe he thinks he should be dating around, is at 'that time of life,' and yet - since he's apparently an immature asshole - he doesn't know how to go about moving on. He wants you to do it for him.
As long as you consent to touching his balls in a nice way every once in a while, why should he split? He has to have nothing before he can make something new. He'll only resent you for this later. Do him and yourself a favour:
Kick the fucker out of your bed, grow some self-respect, and quit using your wretched ex-boyfriend as a proxy for your own breakup-related cowardice.
posted by waxbanks at 12:40 PM on January 30, 2009 [3 favorites]
Obviously you should cut things off entirely. The longer-term question is: why is he acting this way?
Guesses: He doesn't want to turn the page because he's got an idea of himself that includes you loving him - though he's likely telling the truth, and doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. You've taught him he'll get affection whether he deserves it or not. Maybe he wants to fuck someone else but hasn't yet brought himself to do so. Maybe he's more invested in the idea of a relationship than in the practice of it - he doesn't know what it takes to sustain a relationship, so he's taken the crafty step of dealing with it in name only. Being free of the name frees him up not to fight with you, right?
Maybe he thinks he should be dating around, is at 'that time of life,' and yet - since he's apparently an immature asshole - he doesn't know how to go about moving on. He wants you to do it for him.
As long as you consent to touching his balls in a nice way every once in a while, why should he split? He has to have nothing before he can make something new. He'll only resent you for this later. Do him and yourself a favour:
Kick the fucker out of your bed, grow some self-respect, and quit using your wretched ex-boyfriend as a proxy for your own breakup-related cowardice.
posted by waxbanks at 12:40 PM on January 30, 2009 [3 favorites]
It sounds like you're trying to think some of this through, and that's a good thing. "DTMFA" is a pretty simplistic way of thinking about it, though if it helps you move forward it might be a worthy motto.
When I read your post, this is the odd thing that jumps out at me:
Anonymous: Despite our arguments, I loved him and was fiercely committed to him. I believed he was committed to me, too, and he always talked about our long-term future together. But he also kept saying the fighting was taking a toll on him, emotionally and physically, and finally said he wanted "time off" from the relationship. Two weeks later, we got into another blazing row, and he finally threw in the towel altogether, saying he couldn't take the fighting anymore and didn't see any sort of long-term potential for us because we were “too incompatible”.
That was eight months ago. Because of various financial and professional reasons, we initially decided we'd continue living in the apartment for the short-term. Obviously, this has not been a particularly easy situation, but somehow we've made it work. In fact, it's worked so well that there's been almost no fighting since the breakup; we've had some conversations about the relationship, it’s been made clear there are still feelings there on both sides.
Yeah, there's a lot there, and you're mostly flabbergasted (rightly so) that, even though you and him "don't have a relationship," you're having a relationship. But what's odd to me is this: the fighting stopped completely once you two 'broke up'. You're pretty clear on where the arguments were coming from - he lacked initiative, it's hard to watch that, he had some classic signs of depression and let those drag you both down - but it's very weird that the arguing stopped.
You see how his actions make sense in his weird world, right? He clearly hasn't thought consciously about what's going on, but his subconscious sees it all very clearly: he loves you, he hates fighting with you, your fights were mostly about lack of initiative, so he removed the expectation of initiative and everything's fine. This subconscious assessment has been reinforced over the last eight months: he 'ended the relationship' and the arguments stopped, so every time the subject comes up it makes sense in the back of his mind to 'keep the relationship ended' in order to keep the conflict gone. He loves you (it sounds like) but he isn't doing that justice, and it sounds distinctly like he doesn't have the knowledge or the wherewithal to. We males are remarkably skilled at ignoring the obvious if it suits us, and he's been doing that for eight months. But you two obviously don't have a relationship, not because there's a ruse involved (that's common) but because you both seem to have complex mechanisms in place to avoid actually communicating with each other.
Look, the situation is actually very simple, so let's break it down:
* You love him, and you can't tell if he loves you too.
* You want a relationship, not a 'non-relationship,' and you want to be with someone who can talk about how you're with them without getting nervous or dodging.
* You're leaving to look for what you want unless he can do something drastic to change your mind and demonstrate that he actually does want a real relationship.
So tell him those things. Just those three things. Nothing more, nothing less. You say that both of you have had little talks where it's clear that there are still feelings; have you ever turned to him and said, "sometimes I think about moving out?" Just mentioning that would be very illuminating; what would he do? Beg you to stay? Promise the world? Get angry, get sad, get bitter? You should go find out. And talk it out with him.
Oh, and one last important thing: no matter what happens, I think you need to move out. If you two by some miracle decide to patch this thing up, you still need to move out; this living together thing is pretty crappy for your ability to communicate, as the 'let's not talk about our relationship status for eight whole months' thing demonstrates in spades. If you want to date, move out and date from your separate corners. If this is just a comfort thing, you owe it to yourself to move on.
posted by koeselitz at 12:47 PM on January 30, 2009 [2 favorites]
When I read your post, this is the odd thing that jumps out at me:
Anonymous: Despite our arguments, I loved him and was fiercely committed to him. I believed he was committed to me, too, and he always talked about our long-term future together. But he also kept saying the fighting was taking a toll on him, emotionally and physically, and finally said he wanted "time off" from the relationship. Two weeks later, we got into another blazing row, and he finally threw in the towel altogether, saying he couldn't take the fighting anymore and didn't see any sort of long-term potential for us because we were “too incompatible”.
That was eight months ago. Because of various financial and professional reasons, we initially decided we'd continue living in the apartment for the short-term. Obviously, this has not been a particularly easy situation, but somehow we've made it work. In fact, it's worked so well that there's been almost no fighting since the breakup; we've had some conversations about the relationship, it’s been made clear there are still feelings there on both sides.
Yeah, there's a lot there, and you're mostly flabbergasted (rightly so) that, even though you and him "don't have a relationship," you're having a relationship. But what's odd to me is this: the fighting stopped completely once you two 'broke up'. You're pretty clear on where the arguments were coming from - he lacked initiative, it's hard to watch that, he had some classic signs of depression and let those drag you both down - but it's very weird that the arguing stopped.
You see how his actions make sense in his weird world, right? He clearly hasn't thought consciously about what's going on, but his subconscious sees it all very clearly: he loves you, he hates fighting with you, your fights were mostly about lack of initiative, so he removed the expectation of initiative and everything's fine. This subconscious assessment has been reinforced over the last eight months: he 'ended the relationship' and the arguments stopped, so every time the subject comes up it makes sense in the back of his mind to 'keep the relationship ended' in order to keep the conflict gone. He loves you (it sounds like) but he isn't doing that justice, and it sounds distinctly like he doesn't have the knowledge or the wherewithal to. We males are remarkably skilled at ignoring the obvious if it suits us, and he's been doing that for eight months. But you two obviously don't have a relationship, not because there's a ruse involved (that's common) but because you both seem to have complex mechanisms in place to avoid actually communicating with each other.
Look, the situation is actually very simple, so let's break it down:
* You love him, and you can't tell if he loves you too.
* You want a relationship, not a 'non-relationship,' and you want to be with someone who can talk about how you're with them without getting nervous or dodging.
* You're leaving to look for what you want unless he can do something drastic to change your mind and demonstrate that he actually does want a real relationship.
So tell him those things. Just those three things. Nothing more, nothing less. You say that both of you have had little talks where it's clear that there are still feelings; have you ever turned to him and said, "sometimes I think about moving out?" Just mentioning that would be very illuminating; what would he do? Beg you to stay? Promise the world? Get angry, get sad, get bitter? You should go find out. And talk it out with him.
Oh, and one last important thing: no matter what happens, I think you need to move out. If you two by some miracle decide to patch this thing up, you still need to move out; this living together thing is pretty crappy for your ability to communicate, as the 'let's not talk about our relationship status for eight whole months' thing demonstrates in spades. If you want to date, move out and date from your separate corners. If this is just a comfort thing, you owe it to yourself to move on.
posted by koeselitz at 12:47 PM on January 30, 2009 [2 favorites]
Because of various financial and professional reasons, we initially decided we'd continue living in the apartment for the short-term.Incidentally - and not to be mean or too presumptuous - this sounds like self-deception. Unless you're contractually bound or somesuch, the real calculus here is: you feared separation more than you valued your integrity. You didn't make a bad situation work, you (the two of you) created a bad situation because you were deluded by 'love,' or what pathology travels under its name.
Unless you really had no choice at all, you made the wrong choice (and he made the easy opportunistic one).
posted by waxbanks at 12:49 PM on January 30, 2009
Mod note: This is a followup from anonymous.
First of all, thanks to everyone who took the time to read my post and respond to it. I sincerely appreciate everyone's contributions. I also appreciate that everyone is being direct and candid without being cruel. Special thanks to those who are sharing their own personal experiences.
There is no right or best answer. I see a bit of truth in every response here.
Rereading my own post, I realised that I come across as some sort of deeply needy, self-loathing, insecure loser of a person who's got nothing much to offer so she takes whatever's on offer. I'm not that girl; I don't want to be that girl. I know that I am, actually, a bright, successful, intelligent, confident, attractive woman with a full life... but for some reason I'm just not acting like it. I'm great at my job, at being a professional, at being a friend... but I'm bad at intimate relationships. Mostly because I'm a bit of a sucker (meaning I'm prone to want to "save" people from themselves). I've let this guy make me a bit stupid. I won't beat myself up for that, I was/am in love and I'm compassionate to a fault, but I'm going to let myself off the hook on that.
But this has crossed a line into taking advantage of that compassion. I do totally realise that.
To those of you who asked why I'm not dating: I have turned down offers from nice gents because I didn't think it was right to get involved with someone else when I'm so clearly still stuck on my ex. I'm trying to do the right thing by not dragging some nice innocent person into my personal drama.
And for those who asked why I don't just move out: I can move out. We have to give a three-month notice, so that's kind of shitty. I would like to move out immediately, but I'm not sure how to do it when we're both still legally bound to the place for three months after we give notice.
This is helping. Helping a lot. So thanks again.
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:11 PM on January 30, 2009
First of all, thanks to everyone who took the time to read my post and respond to it. I sincerely appreciate everyone's contributions. I also appreciate that everyone is being direct and candid without being cruel. Special thanks to those who are sharing their own personal experiences.
There is no right or best answer. I see a bit of truth in every response here.
Rereading my own post, I realised that I come across as some sort of deeply needy, self-loathing, insecure loser of a person who's got nothing much to offer so she takes whatever's on offer. I'm not that girl; I don't want to be that girl. I know that I am, actually, a bright, successful, intelligent, confident, attractive woman with a full life... but for some reason I'm just not acting like it. I'm great at my job, at being a professional, at being a friend... but I'm bad at intimate relationships. Mostly because I'm a bit of a sucker (meaning I'm prone to want to "save" people from themselves). I've let this guy make me a bit stupid. I won't beat myself up for that, I was/am in love and I'm compassionate to a fault, but I'm going to let myself off the hook on that.
But this has crossed a line into taking advantage of that compassion. I do totally realise that.
To those of you who asked why I'm not dating: I have turned down offers from nice gents because I didn't think it was right to get involved with someone else when I'm so clearly still stuck on my ex. I'm trying to do the right thing by not dragging some nice innocent person into my personal drama.
And for those who asked why I don't just move out: I can move out. We have to give a three-month notice, so that's kind of shitty. I would like to move out immediately, but I'm not sure how to do it when we're both still legally bound to the place for three months after we give notice.
This is helping. Helping a lot. So thanks again.
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:11 PM on January 30, 2009
What would be worse, three months in this situation or three months holed up somewhere else, free of him?
You can always get more money to, but being mentally and emotionally free of bad shit is priceless.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:43 PM on January 30, 2009
You can always get more money to, but being mentally and emotionally free of bad shit is priceless.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:43 PM on January 30, 2009
Put in your 3 month ASAP. Can you get it in by tomorrow Jan 31? If you wait, it will just be longer down the line until you can get out of your lease. Start looking for a place that you can start renting mid-April so you overlap your two apartments by 2 weeks (it helps to have a couple weeks to clean and move rather than 1 or 2 days). Next time you talk to him you say:
"I am moving out. I turned in notice to the landlord that I am moving out."
He needs to be out of your bed NOW. No more cuddles, no more doing things. If he complains or asks why you can tell him that he gave up the right to expect those things when HE broke up with you.
As others have said, he is keeping you on a leash. The good thing is that that unlike dogs and cats, humans have the power to cut their leashes off.
posted by silkygreenbelly at 2:52 PM on January 30, 2009
"I am moving out. I turned in notice to the landlord that I am moving out."
He needs to be out of your bed NOW. No more cuddles, no more doing things. If he complains or asks why you can tell him that he gave up the right to expect those things when HE broke up with you.
As others have said, he is keeping you on a leash. The good thing is that that unlike dogs and cats, humans have the power to cut their leashes off.
posted by silkygreenbelly at 2:52 PM on January 30, 2009
You live with an emotional vampire. He is using your good graces and lack of initiative to take advantage of you. He knows it; you know it. What if you guys hook up and he's slept with someone else, without telling you (for obvious reasons), and gives you an STD? This is just a worst-case scenario here.
Get the fuck out of there already. Your life is better than this; stop putting your future on hold and give notice NOWWWW. If you need a roommate or whatever, find someone who isn't a spineless loser who feeds off you like a lamprey on a shark. I feel strongly about this because it's happened to me.
You need to move out ASAP. If you can, give your landlord your share of the 3 months' rent with your tax return or whatever and make sure you get a piece of paper releasing you from the rental agreement/lease. Make sure you get all YOUR stuff, and if he tries to make a "second try" with you after you give notice? Ignore that unless you want more of the same, which is clearly making you unhappy.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 4:15 PM on January 30, 2009 [2 favorites]
Get the fuck out of there already. Your life is better than this; stop putting your future on hold and give notice NOWWWW. If you need a roommate or whatever, find someone who isn't a spineless loser who feeds off you like a lamprey on a shark. I feel strongly about this because it's happened to me.
You need to move out ASAP. If you can, give your landlord your share of the 3 months' rent with your tax return or whatever and make sure you get a piece of paper releasing you from the rental agreement/lease. Make sure you get all YOUR stuff, and if he tries to make a "second try" with you after you give notice? Ignore that unless you want more of the same, which is clearly making you unhappy.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 4:15 PM on January 30, 2009 [2 favorites]
It sounds like he wants a relationship with someone else but is too lazy to leave the house to find it. It's like eating musty Cheerios and watching reruns instead of getting off of your ass and to the store. He is playing you for a chump. Stop letting him.
posted by Foam Pants at 7:29 PM on January 30, 2009
posted by Foam Pants at 7:29 PM on January 30, 2009
You do not come across to me as needy or weak or anything but taken full advantage of, of being capable of loving and being loved; of wanting to be fair, of wanting hearts and flowers and sharing the newspaper across the breakfast table without having to speak.
The part where you say that you wonder if you did him a disservice because when he came to the city, he didn't have to do any work - well, YOU didn't do him the disservice - you were a good friend - he was a lazy, slothful, scared jerk. He had a chance to pull himself up by his bootstraps, and instead, he decided to lay back on the chaise longue and let you peel him grapes.
This is where he IS a bad person.
I am aghast at the people telling you to *talk* to him, to *tell* him X, to show him this post. I know you have already tried to do these things.
He is taking advantage of you.
In my case, I will tell you that this person is still a horrible person. He did not get better. He found someone, however, who was and probably is more of a leech than he is. He hasn't committed, he hasn't moved in with her, they're not married, and I know her - I helped her MOVE into her place! - she doesn't fight it, doesn't push it, doesn't demand it.
Don't let that be you.
If you want a relationship, you can do that later, but for now, get out of the position you are in.
The best thing you can do is start going out after work, meeting friends for drinks, taking a good book and going to a coffee place for a couple of hours. You don't call him, you don't answer your phone if he calls you wondering where you are. Plan weekend trips, go see your parents, get out of dodge. Act like he isn't there.
posted by micawber at 8:15 PM on January 30, 2009 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by amro at 6:53 AM on January 30, 2009 [4 favorites]