Boy, this is going to be convoluted

January 29, 2009 4:03 PM

help me allay her fears (long story)

To keep things confidential, I'm going to use phony names.

Okay so my wife, Wilma and I are getting a divorce. Everything's cool, we're completely over each other and both want to move on with our lives. We're filing papers next week and then there is a 30 day separation period. If all goes well, we should be divorced by March. I cannot stress this enough we're completely over each other...there are absolutely no feelings left between us.

I was content with the way things were going, not looking for anything and then out of no where comes a new friend named "Betty." Betty and I have really connected but have laid strict boundaries that we're "just friends" and nothing more. But every time we talk, we get a little closer. We have not done anything beyond friends and I'm not in any hurry to rush anything anyway. But the attraction is there...and I'm scared to say this, but I really like it.

On Sunday night we were out with a group of friends and she said "call me on Wednesday." I said "sure" and then on Monday I get an email from her saying "maybe we shouldn't, since you're still married -- and I'm really enjoying your company."

I talked to Wilma about this (she has a friend, Fred...of whom I'm totally okay with...they are totally into each other) and she said "the only thing that is holding us married right now is a piece of paper, other than that, we're through." And that's how I think, we're done.

I've relayed this information to Betty (that we're going through the divorce process and my soon-to-be ex wife and I are through) however she still seems frightened by it. I enjoy her company and don't mind taking it slow, but I would like to see her. What are some things I can do to allay her fears and taboos about this? I respect where she's coming from but at the same time, I really connect with her and want to be around her, too.

My thoughts are to just play it cool and relax...no need to get in a hurry.

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posted by anonymous to Human Relations (27 answers total)

Listen to your thoughts.
posted by Roach at 4:08 PM on January 29, 2009

Not as convoluted as you think. Call her in March.
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:12 PM on January 29, 2009 [3 favorites]

Betty is right to be frightened. She probably has her girlfriends screaming at her, "Why are you getting close to some sketchy guy who isn't even divorced yet?"

Put yourself in her place.

Then again, what is she afraid of? You haven't really addressed that here. Is she afraid of getting hurt? Is she afraid you're not telling the whole story of the divorce? Is she affraid that your wife (soon to be ex, but still wife) will jump out of the hedges and stab her in the neck with a ball point pen?

Or is she just uneasy with the fact that she's getting close to a guy who is going through a lot stuff right now, a guy who probably should deal with his own baggage before pursuing her?

The point is, until you know exactly what her fear(s) are you're not going to be able to allay (I can't believe I'm using the word "allay" WTF?) them. And fact is, you may not ever get to the bottom of what she's worried about.

The most you can do, and probably the best thing at that, is to say to this woman, "Look, I like the way things are heading with us. I feel very strongly about us, and I'm excited... but stay in a holding pattern right now while I tie up loose end." March isn't that far away...
posted by wfrgms at 4:13 PM on January 29, 2009

What are some things I can do to allay her fears and taboos about this?

Don't push it. For her, it probably has little to do with the taboo or the technicality; it's probably just sinking in that you're a very recent divorcee and she likes you enough to want to avoid catching you on the rebound. It can be risky to get involved with ANYONE who is fresh out of a relationship, she's wise to wait a while and see -- and you'd be wise to let her.

That doesn't mean you ought to pretend you're not interested; maintaining a steady (but not pushy) level of interest is probably the best way to convince her you're worth the gamble. Don't try to "convince" her, just spend time with her when you can and let her convince herself.
posted by hermitosis at 4:15 PM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

She might become a little less apprehensive after you file papers, since that is a concrete step on the road to divorce. But, if that's not enough to make her comfortable with a closer relationship - follow your own advice and play it cool until March. You're possibly only 30-something days away from being single, and the worst thing to do is to scare off a good prospect by forcing things a week or two early.
posted by thewittyname at 4:16 PM on January 29, 2009

Yep, bide your time. Give Betty lots of space (less contact, less heavy discussion) and be cool with it. You could always go out for coffee somewhere during the week.
posted by crapmatic at 4:18 PM on January 29, 2009

Chill, Barney. March is just 4 weeks away. Tell Betty you'll call her once the papers are filed and that if you are both still interested, you can make plans for dinner in March.
posted by Kangaroo at 4:18 PM on January 29, 2009 [8 favorites]

I second 'Listen to your thoughts.' You sound like you are in the right place.
posted by marmaduke_yaverland at 4:19 PM on January 29, 2009

Err on the side of caution.
March is not that far off.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 4:22 PM on January 29, 2009

I'd start by asking her what she is afraid of. Then when she explains it, lay out why you would be ok to date--but that she has to work on these and decide how comfortable she is. Then let her know that once she works out what she wants, you'll be there. Tell her that until then, you will give her the space she needs.

Don't ever call her again unless she calls you, which she is likely to do.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:24 PM on January 29, 2009

If you really like this woman, and she'd prefer to wait for your marriage to be officially over, put the brakes on until March. Consider that perhaps her "fear" is caution, and not such a bad thing, if you two are serious about each other.
posted by desuetude at 4:31 PM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

Tell her that you understand, and how about you only go out as part of a group, until the divorce is final. At that point, you two can re-consider and see how you both feel. I agree with hermitosis, she is scared of being a rebound fling.
posted by Joh at 4:37 PM on January 29, 2009

I don't think you should "try" to allay her fears at this point... from what you've said, I imagine that she really likes you FOR REAL, and doesn't want to be a rebound fling. So don't act like one. It's pretty common for people coming out of serious relationships to want to date around and be single - there's nothing wrong with that, but that's probably what she's looking to avoid getting involved in. If you're serious about wanting to make a go of it with her, let her know that, but wait until the divorce is final - lots of people aren't ok with dating (technically) married people.
(Also, be aware that even though you're totally over you soon-to-be-ex-wife, that doesn't mean that you won't have strong feelings when it is "officially" over).
posted by moxiedoll at 4:50 PM on January 29, 2009

"I'm divorcing her, really I am..." is about the oldest story in the book.

That it happens to be true this time has very little bearing on how it sounds. Betty has every reason to be nervous about the situation.

Chill out, let the divorce take its course, and hang with her in March.
posted by tkolar at 5:01 PM on January 29, 2009 [3 favorites]

Lots of people going through divorces tend to jump into rebound relationships really quickly because they 1. miss the closeness and security of being in a relationship and 2. want to believe they can find love again at any cost because their self-esteem is blown to bits.

Many, many rebound relationships that are started during the final divorce stages end badly. Betty has a right to be afraid of the situation.

Be her friend, hang out, but don't rush things. Focus on yourself. This isn't a gem heist where you are switching out one diamond for another as fast as possible of comparable weight.

You NEED time to heal and center yourself before starting another relationship... please trust me on this. If you can't wait and you feel emotionally distressed about it, are you sure it's because of Betty? Or is it because you can't bear to be alone, and feel emotionally abandoned?

Be careful with this girl's heart and your own.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 5:11 PM on January 29, 2009 [5 favorites]

I'm not adding anything that others haven't said, but by golly, just wait until March. I once restarted a relationship with an ex-boyfriend, and he told me that he was divorced from his previous wife. Later I find out that he wasn't "technically" divorced. I know it's "just a piece of paper" but wow was I pissed.
posted by texas_blissful at 5:58 PM on January 29, 2009

Do what you want but I don't see any difference whether you're divorced or not. It's just a piece of paper separating you and this new woman. Are people really still this backward and provincial?

My current gf was in the middle of a long divorce (her second) and nothing "frightening" happened between us. She got the divorce, paid him the settlement and that was that.

I don't understand why she would be "frightened". Is she afraid you'll go running back to your wife? Makes no sense to me.
posted by Zambrano at 5:58 PM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

Drag out the sexual tension for another month and a half. You'll be happy you did.
posted by milarepa at 6:07 PM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

I don't even see a problem here. Your divorce is final in March. If Betty is a stickler for waiting for the divorce to be final, then that's her right. Are you worried that if you take it too slow for a month she'll lose interest or something? If it's the end of March, then you've got 8 weeks max to "wait". I put that in quotes because I think you should consider Betty a friend, and this will force you into a nice old-fashioned, gentleman-caller type of chaste relationship. And hey, who knows, maybe you (and Betty) could play it cool for a time after that. Don't let your hormones dictate your actions, at least, not for a month or so.
posted by zardoz at 6:11 PM on January 29, 2009

I know you say you are over Wilma, and I believe that you honestly believe you are.

But. You have no idea what kind of lurking thing is in your subconscious that could knock you for a loop once the papers are indeed signed, and while you are waiting for that 30 day separation to be over. Over Wilma or not, you are still going through a HUGE change, and your brain and heart may have still some processing to do.

Listen to your thoughts. Wait. If for no other reason than to prove me wrong, wait.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:12 PM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

Betty is afraid to be rebound girl. And she's right.
posted by 26.2 at 6:19 PM on January 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

1) As has been said before, it's not crazy that Betty is concerned that you will somehow patch things up with Wilma, and she we end up the emotional equivalent of a Madoff investor. Read everything that has been said about not pushing it, and then don't push it some more. I think Zardoz hit the nail pretty squarely on the head.

2) Go rent groundhog day. Watch it. ALONE!

In the movie Phil has an issue. He's an asshole. You seem to be OK there.

Then there's the big plot twist and Phil's exploration of the plot twist. Your February will probably not go like this but it may feel like it.

The time to start taking notes is when Phil decides he's interested in Rita; gathers intelligence on what makes Rita tick; and finally spends a day trying to be Rita's ideal man. It's so fake it's painful to watch. Any time you think about doing something that involves Betty, ask yourself, "Is there any chance that this might look like a desperate man rolling around in the snow talking about how much he loves kids?" If you have the slightest hesitation before saying no, reconsider your actions.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 6:47 PM on January 29, 2009

It's 30 days. Keep your pants on.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:27 PM on January 29, 2009

My thoughts are to just play it cool and relax...no need to get in a hurry.

Your thoughts are just fine. You're just fine. You sound like a great guy, and she sounds like a smart girl who senses that she could get serious about you. You seem like you would be totally fine with letting her play it a bit careful here, and that's what you should do. You don't need to act like you're not interested... Tell you are very interested, and willing to take it as slow as she wants.
posted by taz at 1:11 AM on January 30, 2009

I don't get "frightened" from what you quoted. Betty wants to wait until you are divorced.
posted by Carol Anne at 5:47 AM on January 30, 2009

I think the "Wait until March" crowd has it, but if you want an alternative idea:

If you and Wilma remain on good terms, you could propose a quick-drinks double-date with your respective new interests. Set ground rules: only say nice things, keep it shortish, be friendly, but not overly, etc.

It does, of course, have the potential to fail spectacularly, but it's an interesting alternative to waiting a month if you can't wait. And really, if you can't wait, you're probably not too serious about Betty, anyhow, so it's no big loss.
posted by JMOZ at 9:15 AM on January 30, 2009

I think JMOZ's suggestion is bizarre. I favorite this question because I am a Betty in a situation just like this one. I am backing away from the guy until his divorce is final. But if he called me up and asked me to go out on a date with him and his not-yet-ex wife and her new man? I would not only decline, I would not want to pursue anything at all. It would be... an icky situation. I don't need to be all up in this couple's divorce/relationship/whatever.
posted by Maisie Jay at 11:11 AM on January 30, 2009 [1 favorite]