Mama said knock you out

January 27, 2009 7:39 AM

How can someone who's 40 years old suddenly reach their potential? At the moment I'm working as a claims adjuster with people 10 years younger than me. I'm drinking every day and my marriage is not in trouble, but my wife is definitely unhappy. I have a job and a wife and am middle class, so I hope my question isn't perceived as Whinerfilter - I am, for the most part very fortunate. Are there examples of people turning it around at 40?

My inspiration is Ali vs. Foreman in Zaire (http://www.metacafe.com/watch/yt-N44vdCqI7LI/when_we_were_kings_ali_vs_foreman/). George Foreman was considered indestructible at the time: On of Ali's friends says, "People thought he(George Foreman) would kill Ali. And then, right before the fight, Ali told me he had a plan. He was gonna go out and hit Foreman with a straight right hand as soon as the bell rang. I said, 'No champ! You're gonna dance.' And he told me, 'No, I'm going out and hit Foreman upside his head, so he'll know he's in a fight.' I want to be Ali. I feel I have some fight left in me - I just don't know how to cultivate it. I've been dancing too long - I wan't to hit life with a straight right hand.

posted by anonymous to grab bag (40 comments total)

It's only too late to make a change once you are dead. As long as you are alive and breathing, the world is your oyster.
posted by scarello at 7:48 AM on January 27, 2009

At the age of 40, Sanders cooked chicken dishes and other meals for people who stopped at his service station in Corbin, Kentucky.
posted by goethean at 7:50 AM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

1) Quit drinking, because drinking makes it easier to feel ok about not doing what you should be doing on a daily basis.

2) Get a hobby where you have to learn a skill or put in serious effort to meet your potential. (Biking, running, playing the piano, playing chess)

3) Spend some time reflecting on what you want out of life. (Note that this is third on the list of things to do. This process should mostly be about action.)

4) Find your ambition and put in the effort to pursue it.
posted by OmieWise at 7:52 AM on January 27, 2009 [2 favorites]

My dad started law school the day I started high school because he had three kids to put through college. He was 40. He's now a partner at his Big Swinging Dick law firm.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:54 AM on January 27, 2009 [7 favorites]

I was once given some good advice: Don't try to always hit a home run. Hit a few singles, get your batting average up, then start swinging for the fences. Translation: you're not going to wake up tomorrow with a perfect marriage, a great house, and an envious job. Make a plan, then take little steps. Don't expect you can turn it around in a day, a week, or a year. But can you turn it around? You bet you can.
posted by billysumday at 7:54 AM on January 27, 2009 [15 favorites]

IANYT but consider this from someone with some knowledge around the the Psychia Tree and it is - you would do well to view your full potential in life as achieving a sense of happiness, contentment and well-being. That truly needs to be a priority for you, for the sake of your health, marriage and overall outlook. Because how you feel effects everything and everyone around you and like the domino effect, when you are down, things start falling down in unison. And when you start gaining solid emotional footing, gaining clarity about yourself, who you really are, what you need, what your heart desires, then the pieces will start fitting back together again. You will be in a better frame of mind to make the correct decisions based on choices, not on compulsions. And in that there is much freedom to grow.
posted by watercarrier at 7:54 AM on January 27, 2009

1. You say your marriage isn't in trouble, yet you also say that your wife is "definitely unhappy" and that you are drinking every day... In my world those are opposing statements.

2. You didn't say what potential you have that you are failing to reach. Do you think you have hidden/untapped ability that you would like to pursue as a career?


I think there is a difference between failing to reach your potential and life not working out how you expected. It sounds more like life hasn't panned out the way you expected. The daily drinking and unhappy wife and meh job... sounds more like you've checked out. Rather than going through life passively, make the choice to engage! Focus your feeling that you have 'fight life in you' and channel that into addressing why your wife is unhappy and fixing your marriage. If your job is underusing your abilities then work toward a promotion, apply for different jobs, or consider going back to school in a field that you are passionate about. (Though think long and hard about that one... economy and whatnot....) Find a hobby that excites you and that brings some passion back into your life.
posted by gwenlister at 7:59 AM on January 27, 2009

1. Stop drinking.
2. Tell your wife that you love her. Often. Like you mean it. Show her.
3. ???
4. Profit!

Ok, humor aside, please take #1 and #2 seriously. You'd be surprised what a difference those two actions can make in your entire life. As places to start your journey of self-discovery and growth, these are small, vital steps. To beat up the garden metaphor, #1 is weeding, #2 is fertilizing and watering.

Your Ali vs. Foreman citation is great, but if your "house" isn't in order, the fight's already lost. In the symbiosis of marriage, if your spouse isn't happy, you won't be happy.

Ok, enough disjointed fortune-cookie rambling for today. Good luck. Send postcards from your trip.
posted by FrotzOzmoo at 7:59 AM on January 27, 2009

I'm nearly 40 myself, and have struggled with something similar. I made my change at 37, though. I was unhappy with the direction I was headed, my seemingly meaningless life. Now, nearly three years later, I have purpose and joy, and it's fantastic.

I sort of stumbled on it, though. I just started doing what I love (writing) in my spare time, and through a combination of hard work and luck, I've been able to turn this into a new career. The key, though, is that I did what I loved. I didn't expect anything to come of it, but I'm glad it did.

So, my advice is similar the wisdom of OmieWise. You're not going to "suddenly reach your potential". You can do it, but it will take time. And patience.

Do what you love. Find something productive (and I think that's key — I'm not talking about World of Warcraft), and start practicing the skill in your spare time. Enjoy woodworking? Build stuff! Like to play guitar! Play guitar! As OmieWise says, a hobby or skill that requires effort to master is a great way to develop meaning.

Your passion may start as a small part of your life, but if you're patient, it can grow, and it can help you to reach your potential.
posted by jdroth at 7:59 AM on January 27, 2009 [9 favorites]

That boxing analogy is cute and all, but it sounds like you need less thought and more action. Start a to do list and put one thing on it: quit drinking. Once you strike that off you can work on other things, but not self-medicating with a depressant on a daily basis will probably do a fair amount to take care of a lot of your other problems.
posted by ND¢ at 8:05 AM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

Is there something you think you might like to do (art, exercise, travel)? If so, just try it. In my experience, the most likely outcome is that you'll find that it sucks even more that what you're doing now (or that you're really not as good at it as you thought you'd be) and the outcome will be that you'll feel a lot better about what you have. I'm not trying to be an ass, but we're about the same age and, to me, this is a happy ending.
posted by originalname37 at 8:11 AM on January 27, 2009

I like what jdroth wrote. I was gonna say, "Follow your bliss," but he said it quite well enough.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 8:13 AM on January 27, 2009

Amen on the drinking. Stop today. That's a stiff right hand to life if ever there was one.

Being a success is not a destination; it's a habit. It's not the glorious victories; it's the thousand little decisions that you make every day about how you conduct yourself.

Don't set ridiculous goals for yourself that will invite failure and discouragement, for example:
Bad: I'm going to read the entire Bible in one year.
Good: I'm going to read at least one chapter of Scripture each day.

Bad: I'm going to build a playhouse for my (grand)kids.
Good: I'm going to build a birdhouse.

Yes, it's cliche' but all journeys begin with the first step. Pick a hobby that seems interesting to you and then set yourself some reasonable goals to achieve within that hobby. Small tastes of success are wonderful for the soul.
posted by DWRoelands at 8:13 AM on January 27, 2009 [6 favorites]

Definitely quit drinking.

That's step negative one.
posted by milarepa at 8:18 AM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

40 isn't really very old. I know lots of friends and family members who changed their lives and careers over 40. But you have to know what you want to do, you don't seem to have gotten farther than knowing that you're (and your wife) are not happy. Think about what you really want to do and who you want to be. And include your wife, talk with her about what she wants.
posted by octothorpe at 8:20 AM on January 27, 2009

I don't know how you spend your evenings/weekends but I found that disconnecting my cable and selling my television made it far easier to get out and do the things that I should be doing. I starting living my own life rather than watch other people living theirs. Also, I found my sense of dissatisfaction with my life decreased dramatically when I removed the daily dose of advertisements telling me that I wasn't worthwhile unless I owned such and such a product.

Good luck dude, it's never too late to follow your dreams. Here's a little inspiriational quote for you:

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. I learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:

Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it!”

William Hutchinson Murray (1913-1996)
posted by talkingmuffin at 8:24 AM on January 27, 2009 [2 favorites]

DWRoelands has it: "Being a success is not a destination; it's a habit. It's not the glorious victories; it's the thousand little decisions that you make every day about how you conduct yourself."
posted by billysumday at 8:26 AM on January 27, 2009 [2 favorites]

Lots of good advice here, particularly around drinking.

Mine is, learn to love others deeply, humbly, patiently, without regard to self. Start with your wife. And find people to spend time with who are loving that way. You'll be loved that way. It's good.
posted by mumstheword at 8:35 AM on January 27, 2009 [2 favorites]

I'd just like to add, re the drinking, that what's important is to stop the daily maintenance drinking. You don't have to commit to never having another drop of alcohol in order to improve your life.
posted by bingo at 8:42 AM on January 27, 2009 [2 favorites]

Reinventing Yourself helped me when I was in shoes a lot like yours.
posted by Otis at 8:52 AM on January 27, 2009

Having a really good clear-out of all the junk in your home can be really energizing and help to create a sense of having space in your life as well as your house. If you're surrounded by the evidence of years of underachieving - failed projects, broken things you haven't got around to fixing, gear for hobbies you never got into - then it's psychologically very hard to get into a different frame of mind. Let go of everything that neither of you use or love and you'll find yourself feeling less stuck and more optimistic.
posted by tomcooke at 8:55 AM on January 27, 2009 [2 favorites]

jdroth, you need to post your story somewhere, if you haven't already.

I'm not 40 yet, and I've already been at the top and bottom and top and bottom again of a couple different career/success ladders... I have done best when I stopped caring what others thought, or how successful I "looked" and just had fun, did what my gut said, and basically... took a chance.

I have also been happiest when least-wealthy. I have never known what to make of that.
posted by rokusan at 8:59 AM on January 27, 2009

Ray Kroc was a 51 year old milkshake-blender salesman when he suggested to Dick and Mac McDonald that they franchise their hamburger restaurant.
posted by Joe Beese at 9:24 AM on January 27, 2009

It hit me a little earlier but I've been in the same place. I was ready for a change but worried, at 34, that it was too late in life. Thank god I decided to risk it and go on to law school back then. I'm 48 now and try to always remember back to the doubts I had at 34 whenever I think I'm too old to try something new. I don't know when, if ever, it becomes to late but, it isn't at 40.
posted by Carbolic at 9:33 AM on January 27, 2009 [2 favorites]

At 42 I found an aspect of my work that I really loved doing, but was not "expert" enough to easily pursue professionally. I took time off to move back to the US and go to grad school full-time. I graduated in December and have gotten a very good position with a leading firm in my industry.

So, yes, you can start over. I think you have to be passionate about something and willing to make some severe sacrifices to make it happen. I was very lucky that my wife fully supported this endeavor. It may be tough to go back to school (and the amazing stress that puts on relationships) if your partner isn't excited about it too.

That being said, I don't think you have to "reinvent" your career to change your level of success.
posted by qwip at 10:11 AM on January 27, 2009

Good advice all the way around. I'd add (though it has probably already been said) make a plan, write things down, brainstorm about the changes you would like to see in your life, maybe meet with a career counselor (I met with one after my last job disintegrated and learned a tremendous amount about myself). Change does not come overnight but it will come if you put some effort into making your life better and more like what you want it to be.
posted by fenriq at 10:16 AM on January 27, 2009

The thing is that Ali had probably trained for years and years before that, right?

So, yeah, knock life out with one punch... in eight years. Between now and then, use all of your spare time to prepare for that. Even Ali had to sign up for his first gym membership at some point. So, what's your first step?
posted by salvia at 10:36 AM on January 27, 2009

@rokusan - JD's story (and other stories) can be found at his blog Get Rich Slowly. It's great stuff.
posted by jasondbarr at 10:43 AM on January 27, 2009

@rokusan
Yeah, as jasondbarr noted, I lead a very transparent life. GRS offers a public glimpse at my pursuit of my passion. (My other blogs also offer glimpses, but basically they've all been overshadowed by GRS now.) Long-time readers are aware of the narrative arc. A sort of introduction can be found in my piece about quitting my job to write full time. As I say, I'm lucky. I've turned what I love to do most into something that makes me money. It has opened a lot of doors. I think that talkingmuffin's quote sums up my experience.
posted by jdroth at 11:46 AM on January 27, 2009

The difference between you and Ali is that Ali had a lifetime of training before that fight.

I would look into the book Flow by Mihály Csíkszentmihályi. The book itself is a bit dry, but if you can wade through to Chapter 4, he describes what people describe as Peak Experiences - what he calls Flow. It's that state where time ceases to be important and you get lost in the moment. He talks about the conditions for Flow too - that you're tackling something that's challenging, that you feel you're up to the task, and that you get good feedback on your progress so you can adjust.

Find tasks where you can feel Flow. It's in these tasks that many people find meaning, or something that substitutes for meaning. Video games are good at this, but don't give you the satisfaction of feeling like you're contributing to the world, and they're over in a couple of days. I get this from playing music, writing, reading and yes, playing video games. I get it from work too, from time to time, when I feel like I'm contributing - part of the joy of working for a startup is tackling new challenges & knowing you're contributing.

Read Flow. Find Flow. It may be in hobby or in career, but once you have the map to Flow, you'll be able to get there with a little more reliability than you do now.
posted by Muffy at 12:00 PM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

You might want to look at some of Barbara Sher's books. As it happens one of her books is called, "It's Only Too Late if You Don't Start Now: How to Create Your Second Life at Any Age".

Some people are turned off by her enthusiasm and optimism, but if you can find a way to turn down the volume on any snarking tendencies you may have, I think it's possible to benefit from Sher's approach.
posted by jasper411 at 12:02 PM on January 27, 2009

So you already know you need to stop drinking. Can you? If you can't do it alone, are you willing to consider AA or some other sort of support group?

I think everyone here saying 'stop the drinking' is right, but you don't say how bad the drinking actually is. Are you having one or two too many at night or are you taking nips during the day, missing or messing up at work, etc? Get help!

Do you know why your wife is unhappy? Is it because of your drinking or something going on with her? If you don't know, you need to find out. Now! Take her out for coffee (I always found a neutral space outside the house better for talking than just sitting on the couch.) You can't help or improve your marriage until you figure out what's actually going on. And you do want to improve your marriage, right?

Now, 40 ain't old. There's time but it kind of helps if you have some idea of what you'd like to do. What aspect of your life is unsatisfactory? Is it just the job or is it the industry? Write it down, no matter how insane the idea (except, yeah, ixnay on the World of Warcraft). Next, DO NOT TALK YOURSELF OUT OF IT.

Talk over your plans with your wife. If it's financially feasible, maybe even plan a weekend away with the goal of clearing the air/resparking the romance/getting your own personal clarity.

You have to start with the thought though that it ain't over 'til it's over ... And you have to believe it. Good luck.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 12:03 PM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

My dad completely turned his life around in his mid 60's. You just need a good reason to.

What's important to you? Live and thrive on that.

If you want to be Ali you've got to train every day and train hard. Examine your life, find the reason to not only get out of bed in the morning, but wake up early and come out fighting. Maybe it's your wife, maybe it's your job, maybe it's becoming a sommelier.

Your short post is pretty much all over the place (okay marriage vs unhappy wife, want to turn life around vs being very fortunate) so you might want some outside help to find out what that passion is. Whether it's a counselor, therapist, mentor, life coach, friend, family, or pastor, you should ask someone to help you.
posted by Ookseer at 12:19 PM on January 27, 2009

Once I heard about some dude who quit drinking after his 40th birthday, found Jesus or whatever, and then went on to become President of the USA for 8 years.

You could try that.
posted by spilon at 12:25 PM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

Four years ago at age 38 I quit my full time (and much hated) job of almost 10 years and moved to another city to work part time and start a part-time doctorate. That wasn't out of the blue, I had been working towards that for some time (largely without realising it) and I was lucky enough to have the support of my partner (which I didn't really deserve). It's been a long, hard road, and there's inevitably been some sadness along the way, but I don't regret my decision for a minute, as so much has changed for me through doing this. Certainly it has opened my eyes to realising that there was so much that I wanted to do, and so many things that I could do that I never thought I had in me.

I guess I'm trying to say that it's never too late, but it does take hard work, and in my case (and in yours too I suspect) in order to get my brain back I had to eventually leave some of my less healthy habits (such as smoking weed every day) behind so that I realy could get on to the path I wanted to be on (notice the absence of a destination here, it's at least as much about the journey for me).

The journey of a thousand miles etc... Good Luck!
posted by Chairboy at 12:56 PM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

This thread is all about people who achieved great things late in life.

It's impossible to suggest from the information provided whether you need to quit drinking or merely control your drinking but at the minimum you need to control your drinking. And probably start talking to your wife more.

Other than that, removing the condition of "suddenly" from the goal of "reaching your potential" will increase your chances of actually getting somewhere you want to be, and I can tell you from experience that even if you're not "achieving your potential" (whatever that means) working on dealing with the bullshit in your lifestyle will still make your life better.
posted by nanojath at 2:37 PM on January 27, 2009

Read inspirational biographies -- not only those about people who have excelled later in life, but about individuals who don't give up, despite great adversity.

Ten years ago, I had the fortune to have several conversations with Tom Whittaker, who's considered the first disabled person to successfully climb Mt. Everest. Tom was a superb athlete who, in 1979 at the age of 31, was hit by a drunk driver. His foot was amputated. Tom went through a dark time before convincing himself that he could do anything -- if not more -- than he'd done prior to the amputation. He became a mountaineer. At 50 years old, he summited Everest.

Choose your Everest. Plan, train, dedicate yourself. Let each day bring you closer to its summit.
posted by terranova at 10:41 PM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

We reach our physical peak earlier than forty.

Why folks think we reach our peak at any particular point is beyond me.
posted by talldean at 7:09 AM on January 28, 2009

Rid yourself of useless distractions

Make a plan

Follow that plan
posted by tylerfulltilt at 3:12 PM on January 28, 2009

This advice from FrotzOzmoo is so important that I'm going to repeat it:

1. Stop drinking.
2. Tell your wife that you love her. Often. Like you mean it. Show her.

Do something fabulous and unexpected for your wife this weekend. Maybe take her out for a romantic evening? It doesn't have to be expensive. It just has to be meaningful. At some point during the evening, make sure you tell her how much you love her and make sure you tell her that you know you don't tell her that often enough. Make a habit of doing things like that for her. For HER. Celebrate your marriage.
posted by 2oh1 at 2:07 PM on January 29, 2009